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Does the anger ever go away?


Infidelity In an affair or suspect your significant other? Share your experiences and concerns here.

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Old 1st October 2017, 12:23 PM   #1
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Does the anger ever go away?

So, long story short my wife had an affair for roughly 2 years (on and off). I caught her, she told me It was over then I caught her again and again. Now we are separated and have been for a few months, but I still can't stand to look at her or be around her, all I see is the betrayal. Part of me wants to get past all of this but another part is still clinging on to my anger, like if I let it go then I am somehow giving her a pass for what has happened. It may sound petty but it is so much easier to be angry and mad than to let the hurt back in, because that is crippling. I don't really know why I'm writing on here, but I guess I'm looking for some advice, on how to cope with this anger and betrayal. I'm just not sure I'm actually ready to let go of my anger, not really sure I've gotten it out of my system.
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Old 1st October 2017, 1:31 PM   #2
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Many BH have an anger phase that often starts
six months from D day and this period usually
lasts for six months.

With time the thinking about what happened will
gradually less often and these thoughts will
will be over faster.

Thing is what do you want to do with your marriage?
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Old 1st October 2017, 1:50 PM   #3
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Infidelity is the gift that keeps on giving. She's gone back to her other man several times it seems. Your marriage ended when she broke her vows. Would you marry her again knowing who she's shown you she is?

You will have anger it's perfectly normal but in order to have a good life and future you will have to drop the rope (let her go).

You don't mention kids, etc and it would be best to go your own way. Plan it. Then put you time and effort in getting where you want to be.

During separation (usually used to make more time for her other man) she will be in very deep with him if not living together. All cheaters lie, hide and deny. It's who they are. So it's important to cut off all unnecessary contact. If you don't it'll just mean more hurt for you. I'm sure like most she'll bring up the "lets be friends" game. This is for her not you.

Under the circumstances the marriage is over. Seek out a good attorney and file. Laying around in a codependent limbo won't do much for you.

Good info here so read up
Critical Readings For Separation and Divorce
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Old 1st October 2017, 1:51 PM   #4
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Problem is, all relationships are built on trust, which is something I am not sure I will ever get back. So as of right now I don't want to work things out I just want to move on, and try to piece my life back together.
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Old 1st October 2017, 2:08 PM   #5
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Browneyedboy View Post
Problem is, all relationships are built on trust, which is something I am not sure I will ever get back. So as of right now I don't want to work things out I just want to move on, and try to piece my life back together.
It takes 2-5 years to reconcile if you are both willing and her load would be very heavy. No guarantees. Do you really want to take this on and spend that much of your time/life on it?

If not, file and cut off any unnecessary contact. Time will fix the rest.

It's not the end of the world and she's no special snowflake. Just another typical cheater. It's just happened to you is the only thing different.
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Old 1st October 2017, 2:09 PM   #6
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The other thing is if she's still in contact with her other man the affair is ongoing and nothing can be done until that is over.
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Old 1st October 2017, 10:53 PM   #7
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Browneyedboy View Post
So, long story short my wife had an affair for roughly 2 years (on and off). I caught her, she told me It was over then I caught her again and again. Now we are separated and have been for a few months, but I still can't stand to look at her or be around her, all I see is the betrayal. Part of me wants to get past all of this but another part is still clinging on to my anger, like if I let it go then I am somehow giving her a pass for what has happened. It may sound petty but it is so much easier to be angry and mad than to let the hurt back in, because that is crippling. I don't really know why I'm writing on here, but I guess I'm looking for some advice, on how to cope with this anger and betrayal. I'm just not sure I'm actually ready to let go of my anger, not really sure I've gotten it out of my system.
Maybe it's time to file for divorce? She's cheated on you twice now and really seems to have no shown you remorse or tried to fix herself, to try to prove to you she's worthy of staying married to you.

Have you considered seeking counseling to help you cope with the anger and find some peace?
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Old 2nd October 2017, 1:04 AM   #8
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Originally Posted by Browneyedboy View Post
Problem is, all relationships are built on trust, which is something I am not sure I will ever get back. So as of right now I don't want to work things out I just want to move on, and try to piece my life back together.
Is up to you.

What is she doing to repair the marriage?

If you two have no kids then I say divorce and start anew.

If you have kids, divorce and make sure they know they are loved.

You said it already, relationships are built on trust. You have no trust in this cheater.
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Old 2nd October 2017, 1:09 AM   #9
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Browneyedboy View Post
So, long story short my wife had an affair for roughly 2 years (on and off). I caught her, she told me It was over then I caught her again and again. Now we are separated and have been for a few months, but I still can't stand to look at her or be around her, all I see is the betrayal. Part of me wants to get past all of this but another part is still clinging on to my anger, like if I let it go then I am somehow giving her a pass for what has happened. It may sound petty but it is so much easier to be angry and mad than to let the hurt back in, because that is crippling. I don't really know why I'm writing on here, but I guess I'm looking for some advice, on how to cope with this anger and betrayal. I'm just not sure I'm actually ready to let go of my anger, not really sure I've gotten it out of my system.
Don't wish to get rid of your anger. It's not that long since you separated, right?. Your anger is normal, natural and a sign of emotional health at this point. If it gets pushed underground, if you try to bury it, it will transform into depression and destroy you that way.

No, the best way to get past it is just to feel it. You can work out, run or work in the yard to work it out safely each time. It will pass sooner this way.
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Old 2nd October 2017, 1:13 AM   #10
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Wait a minute. You stayed together? Then it's lots harder. BUt same thing, don't try NOT to feel something.
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Old 2nd October 2017, 8:53 AM   #11
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Staying separate is probably best for both of you. She wouldn't have cheated if she was feeling loved and adored by you. She wants more than you can give her. Let her go so she is free to find a better man. A woman does not cheat if her husband is giving her the time, attention, and affection she needs, and is providing financially for her better than any other man can.
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Old 2nd October 2017, 9:04 AM   #12
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You probably know this already but DON'T listen to a complete stranger who knows nothing about your situation and just walks straight in victim-blaming you!

Look, you've forgiven your wife many times and she always cheats again. The problem here is her, NOT you. The best way to let go of your anger is to let go of your cheating wife and find someone who is capable of being HONEST about her needs.
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Old 2nd October 2017, 9:48 AM   #13
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Yes, the anger becomes weaker and might even be gone in a few years, but in order ot acheive that, you need to make some technical actions, like filing for divorce, splitting property ect...

It seems that right now you're sitting on the fence. This is not a good place to remain if you want to heal.
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Old 2nd October 2017, 10:16 AM   #14
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Originally Posted by Browneyedboy View Post
Problem is, all relationships are built on trust, which is something I am not sure I will ever get back. So as of right now I don't want to work things out I just want to move on, and try to piece my life back together.
Trust can be repaired like a broken cup glued back
together and it will not leak. Though the cracks will
always still be seen.

In a marriage the trust can be restored to have a good
marriage again though the trust will never be the way
it was.

Though if you want to end things then it is best to go
NC with your WW.
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Old 2nd October 2017, 3:57 PM   #15
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Originally Posted by Ahurtgirl View Post
Staying separate is probably best for both of you. She wouldn't have cheated if she was feeling loved and adored by you. She wants more than you can give her. Let her go so she is free to find a better man. A woman does not cheat if her husband is giving her the time, attention, and affection she needs, and is providing financially for her better than any other man can.
Your assumption is wrong. People cheat even if they feel loved and adored. Granted it happens when people grow apart, but it mostly happens in every day relationships where the betrayed one has no clue to what or why it happened.

In the case of a woman. If she is not really in love with her husband any silver tongued devil will get her blood pulsing. If she has character and morals she might play a little at it with out cheating. If she is of a weak character or no morals, she will cheat.

In the cast of men it is the same. They cheat for different reasons but it is still the same. They really don't love their wife and have a weak character and no morals.

It's like the excuses women give in the magazine articles of late. Cheating has bettered my marriage ( billshet ). It is just an excuse to cheat.

It is never the betrayed partners fault they were cheated on, never.

If a person is in unhappy in a relationship, then get the heck out before you cheat.
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