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in need of insight from regretful cheaters


Infidelity In an affair or suspect your significant other? Share your experiences and concerns here.

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Old 30th September 2017, 2:39 PM   #31
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Originally Posted by jah526 View Post
I have wondered the same thing. Asked the MM I was involved with about it, because I couldn't really wrap my head around it either. According to him, he has a beautiful, sweet wife at home that he loves. So why cheat on her? He tried to explain it to me various ways, but the only explanation that seemed to get close to the truth was that he had a problem, and the problem was that he needed attention (especially from women, I'm assuming).

I believe MM is a narcissist. He NEEDS that attention in order to feel whole. After the wife has children her focus is directed on them, so the narcissist has to look elsewhere for supply. It's really not the wife's fault - there is no amount of attention that is going to satisfy a narcissist, because there is a bottomless black pit of need inside that can't ever be filled. So they have to keep jumping from one woman to the next for that quick fix.

[]

Maybe this isn't the case with your husband, but I am pretty sure it was with MM, and probably the incidence is higher with men who cheat on their wives in general.
I can't hide that I had the same fear of him having narcissistic traits to be honest. He's starting therapy in a couple of weeks and hopefully it's going to help him make sense of the bull**** he did. Because I want answers from him.
Regarding you, I hope it was only sex you were looking for because looking at a married man for emotional satisfaction is not a good idea for any woman looking for a healthy relationship. I think even the other woman/man deserves better than that. Good luck.

Last edited by LoveShack.org Moderator; 30th September 2017 at 4:36 PM.. Reason: Edit quote
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Old 30th September 2017, 2:48 PM   #32
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Originally Posted by WilyWill View Post
I've never cheated but I have been in a sexless marriage. I can tell you that if my wife had no interest in me coupled with a strong interest in other men, the combination would be a killer.

I know you don't want to hear this, but you should dump his shivering, crying, don't-look-at-me ass. The only honest thing he's told you so far is that he's not good enough for you.

If you do choose to stay, maybe the above is part of the problem that he needs to work through. You've outdone him in every way. You earn more, you're probably better looking, you've got your act together, where he clearly doesn't. I bet you even parent better than he does. So he's probably really insecure and somewhat resentful around you. The other girls stroke his ego just by virtue of the fact that they're "beneath" him. They're the ones he's comfortable around because he can actually believe their interest in him.

It's just a theory--I really don't know what's going on in his head. But if I'm correct, these are issues that he needs to work on, not you.
Your theory makes a lot of sense actually and in the many sleepless nights I've spent in the past three months I thought about this too. I pity him, as much as I love him, and I pity the other women because it takes a sad and lonely woman to fall into something like this with a married ex-**** buddy. It's like, you're single my friend, get a new different guy to actually shag you every night, not one that just gives you breadcrumbs of his time when he can. And where's the fun and the ego stroke whit someone you've *****d already many times? But I suppose there's a lot of people with low self esteem out there and plenty of times on their hands. Like my husband was too, while I was working all day and attending after our infant at night. Sorry if this offends someone but it's just not very logical in my opinion. And you can sense I am still angry I suppose, especially because I know one of the women ( ugly as f*** btw)
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Old 30th September 2017, 3:01 PM   #33
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OP, IDK if this is helpful or not but my takeaway from the whole process, including the counseling and divorce process, was to take each day as it comes. I'm faithful today. I have zero idea what tomorrow will bring. Can't predict the future nor read minds. I can, however, make healthy choices in the here and now.

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What I would like to understand or at least listen, from a cheater's point of view is: how is it possible to want to commit and to love a person but keep being interested sexually and look for attention of other women. And why exes or people you've never even wanted to be in a relationship with?
Every marriage and affair is unique in those regards. Sure, some generalities can be presumed but the specifics are unique to the parties. IMO, if you're interested in recovering your marriage, and your spouse is, move beyond the forensics and work on the here and now and tools to recover the marriage to a healthy state down the road. Figure five to ten years if both parties sincerely want it to work.

If your spouse is still on the fence and not demonstrating clear focus on the M and ending destructive behavior, move on. That's a hard choice, I understand. Best wishes in your decisions.
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Old 30th September 2017, 4:23 PM   #34
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Originally Posted by MŁun View Post
and I pity the other women because it takes a sad and lonely woman to fall into something like this with a married ex-**** buddy. It's like, you're single my friend, get a new different guy to actually shag you every night, not one that just gives you breadcrumbs of his time when he can. And where's the fun and the ego stroke whit someone you've *****d already many times? But I suppose there's a lot of people with low self esteem out there and plenty of times on their hands. Like my husband was too, while I was working all day and attending after our infant at night. Sorry if this offends someone but it's just not very logical in my opinion. And you can sense I am still angry I suppose, especially because I know one of the women ( ugly as f*** btw)
As a former OW whose MM eventually filed for divorce- just be careful. He told her he had cut off contact with me months ago but we never stopped. He just got better about hiding it. I donít know if your husband has truly changed or if he hasnít. What I do know is that yiu said your husband stopped desiring you and thatís scary. I donít think the issues are yours and I donít think youíre the problem but I do think that the probability of him cheating on you again is pretty high. Iím not saying leave him now but just be cautious. Donít be too trusting right away. When I stop to think about the mind games that my bf played on his soon to be ex wife, itís mind-boggling. These are his issues to fix, if he can. Take care of you and your child and see what comes of it.

And FYI- my self esteem was never low. I donít think itís fair to say that about everyone. That would be like me saying that a BW has low self esteem b/c she is choosing to stay with her cheating husband. I understand youíre angry and wouldnít have good things to say about the other woman or women. Just providing a little persecptive from the other side.

I do wish you luck, OP!
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Old 30th September 2017, 5:23 PM   #35
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My response to you was harsh and for that, I apologize. I won't deny that it is somewhat unfathomable to myself that there was never an inkling, but that is neither here nor there.

I couldn't imagine staying with a man who lied from the beginning. Liars don't change.
I mean that.
Most people fib about inconsequential things occasionally, ie..calling in sick, you look great...etc.

Compulsive liars, the kind your husband is....don't fare well in counseling because they lie to the counselor. The epiphany/growth is almost impossible.

I understand he's a human being, the father of your child and you love him. I'm sorry that you are hurting.

Perhaps the best thing is to set up counseling for yourself and to contact a lawyer in order to know which steps are needed to protect yourself and child. An STD panel would be a good idea as well.

If you want to stay with him, you will have a very difficult road ahead with the potential of not ever having any trust in him.

I wish you well Muun.
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Old 30th September 2017, 6:35 PM   #36
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Originally Posted by MŁun View Post
The child has a British passport already and I can easily find proofs of his cheating plus some others not properly legal behaviours. That shouldn't be a problem. Thank you!
In EU countries; please do not think that just because he is a cheater & you have proof this will necessarily give you the upper hand in a divorce situation. In the UK you can divorce him on grounds of adultery, & you can even go after the person he did it with in Civil Court, but the divorce grounds will NOT affect your child custody issues.

Most EU Courts follow a prescribed martial settlements as far as financial distribution goes. Child custody over the last ten years has been a dramatically changing arena. Even if you divorce on the grounds of adultery, that does NOT effect his child custodial rights. Many countries do split custody now, where the two of you have to live in close proximity to one another and your child then does split time between you each week, all year long.

If you wish to move back to the UK to live, then it's best you do your divorce there... that means you need to live there for six months prior so he cannot have the case shifted back to the previous place you two were living together.

If you do move back to the UK, then it is possible you may be able to get sole custody, or a custody agreement that he has child on holiday. But you will have to be very strong and stick to your guns to get this kind of agreement.

I tell you this, because I don't wish you to be under any illusion that just because he 'cheats' and you can 'prove it' that - that will give carte blanche with your child custody. That is why you really need to see a lawyer first, if you think that your marriage isn't going to work out.

If he is a narcisst, then I'd make very sure you have everything sorted as far as the lawyer goes, money in a separate bank account / cash, in case, before you confront him.
Good luck.

Last edited by Southwardbound; 30th September 2017 at 6:41 PM..
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Old 30th September 2017, 7:35 PM   #37
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It doesn't really matter what "regretful" WSs have to say on here, they are not your husband, no-one knows apart from him what he is thinking.
You cannot superimpose other's experiences onto him as experiences vary widely.

There are WSs who vow to change and do, WSs who say they will change but don't, WSs who will continue to lie to their wife, WSs who will lie to therapists or anyone else who gets in their way, WSs who will cut off the OW dead after D-day, WSs who continue to grieve for years for their OW, WSs who just keep seeing the OW despite solemnly promising otherwise, WSs who will jettison one OW to merely get another, WSs who eventually leave for the OW, and multiple other scenarios too...
Take your pick, we have heard it all on here. Read the stories on the OW/OM part of the forum, some WSs contribute there too.

The overwhelming "truth" it seems to me is that WSs will do whatever is best for themselves...
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Old 1st October 2017, 2:25 AM   #38
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Originally Posted by MŁun View Post
He actually does believe in monogamy, and said if it was me doing what he did, he would have never been able to give me another chance and is very ashamed of what he did. He's starting consueling in a couple of weeks too ( but on this I pushed him).
And, although I did the same thing, it surprises me more and more that we betrayed spouses actually accept their sudden 100% turn-around. They play that "ashamed" card as if getting caught made them acknowledge and face what they were doing. Don't believe it. It's all damage control.
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Old 1st October 2017, 10:01 AM   #39
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Originally Posted by MŁun View Post
He actually does believe in monogamy, and said if it was me doing what he did, he would have never been able to give me another chance and is very ashamed of what he did. He's starting consueling in a couple of weeks too ( but on this I pushed him). I was hoping to hear from cheaters to be honest, to get an insight into a cheater's mindset but I guess people who do these kind of things don't really like to go around bragging about it. Still, I would appreciate it.
He believes in monogamy alright, but only for you. He wants you to be monogomous.
I asked MM once if you found out your wife (fiance) at the time was cheating on you how would you feel. "I could never forgive her"
He found out I was dating and when he found out I was moving on and there was actually someone I really liked, he became super jealous. So he is married, has told me that I should move on find someone that can give me what he can't.
And when I do....jealousy, crying drunk text.
Ya he's sorry he cries he knows how hurtful he is to everyone around. But it hasn't changed him....

He "loves" he is "sorry" I'm sure that he feels really guilty and bad that he hurt you, but he won't change.
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Old 2nd October 2017, 1:20 AM   #40
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The thing I find hypocritical is him not being able to forgive you, if you cheated. Just hearing that would be the reason I filed for divorce.
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Old 2nd October 2017, 10:24 AM   #41
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Originally Posted by sandylee1 View Post
The thing I find hypocritical is him not being able to forgive you, if you cheated. Just hearing that would be the reason I filed for divorce.
It is quite normal for a WS to be this way. This is why
many WS when in their own affair they start becoming
suspicious of their BS doing the same as them.

Remember false justification is a one way street for the
WS. They never think it through that if it is ok for them
to cheat it is ok for their BS.
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Old 2nd October 2017, 1:35 PM   #42
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Originally Posted by road View Post
It is quite normal for a WS to be this way. This is why
many WS when in their own affair they start becoming
suspicious of their BS doing the same as them.

Remember false justification is a one way street for the
WS. They never think it through that if it is ok for them
to cheat it is ok for their BS.
I can totally recognize my husband in this. He's always been the jealous one, was jealous of my ex and me keeping in touch (for completely non romantic and non sexual reasons, we lived together for w long time and I still had some of my things at his house, plus we had a cat together and sometimes he was keeping it if I was traveling)
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Old 2nd October 2017, 5:54 PM   #43
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Originally Posted by road View Post
It is quite normal for a WS to be this way. This is why
many WS when in their own affair they start becoming
suspicious of their BS doing the same as them.

Remember false justification is a one way street for the
WS. They never think it through that if it is ok for them
to cheat it is ok for their BS.
I understand the suspicion they develop...but if I actually heard those words "I wouldn't forgive if you did it " I'd flip.

That would mark the end of the marriage, even if I was initially going to try and reconcile.

He's asking you to forgive what he wouldn't.... that translates (to me), to thinking I'm a fool to forgive.

Being cheated on so early in the relationship is very grim ... that was the honeymoon phase.... I can't see the future is going to make him super moral and faithful.
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Old 2nd October 2017, 6:33 PM   #44
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I think youíll find, OP, everybodyís answer will be a little different because everybodyís affairs are different.

In my case, Iím not sure how to answer... I didnít love my husband anymore so there wasnít a ďhow can I love both?Ē or even ďhow could I love him?Ē factor. I simply didnít love him. But I was young and dumb and didnít know what to do about it.

In my APís case, the love he had for me vs his wife was totally different. His love for her was the type that he felt he owed it to stay married to her, he loved the idea of their family, he felt the need to take care of her, but he didnít love her beyond what he felt he owed her by being her husband. That was way different than what we had.

I think this part of figuring out the ďhowĒ is more about resolving your feelings than it is understanding his. Thatís not bad... Itís actually really good. Itís just that itís something that will make you nuts to try and decode.
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Old 3rd October 2017, 2:12 AM   #45
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Originally Posted by Timshel View Post
Liars don't change.
I mean that.
Most people fib about inconsequential things occasionally, ie..calling in sick, you look great...etc.

Compulsive liars, the kind your husband is....don't fare well in counseling because they lie.
This is true. My husband can't do counseling for this reason. They lie when they're going to look bad. It's the worst thing imaginable. Difference is he doesn't have anything to lie about any more.
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