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25 years on... ?


Infidelity In an affair or suspect your significant other? Share your experiences and concerns here.

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Old 19th September 2017, 5:33 PM   #31
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Originally Posted by OneLov View Post
As an aside, I think considering rape as a form of cheating is patently ignorant and rather insulting. There's no "sharing of physical intimacy" in a forcibly violent crime. I'm not a invalidating OP's feelings because they're normal, and he is too processing the trauma. But please do not give your wife the impression that being raped is a form of cheating. Please, for the sake of your relationship--don't do it.
For me, cheating is all about her making the choice to screw some guy. The choice. No woman chooses to be raped - that's why they call it rape.
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Old 19th September 2017, 10:20 PM   #32
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My H was the first person I told about my rape and that was some 25 years after it had happened. I too blurted it out when something happened in our life and it wasn't logical and I wasn't thinking about it. It helped me as it was the first time I acknowledged it to myself, the person who said it had been suppressed it spot on and times were different back then when a rape was reported.

All you can do is ask if she wants to discuss it and then listen. Sometimes when other stuff is going on bad stuff comes to the fore and her blurting it out might be a reaction to what is happening with your son. It might not make sense to you, or anyone else, but to me, it makes sense.
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Old 20th September 2017, 9:54 AM   #33
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I can believe her mother said that. Things were different 20+ years ago. Unless a woman was beaten up by a stranger and forcibly raped by a stranger, what happened was her fault. I was sexually assaulted on a date when I was in college. I never told anyone. I didn't report it because it happened in his apartment.
This ^^

OP. I was a rape victim 24 years 11 months and 2 day's ago.
My story is quite different to your's and your wive's. But may bring to light some understanding of some of her emotions/reactions. We're all different and no one can predict how we'll react in any circumstance.

My ex partner went to the pub for a night out with the boys (including 'Jane') 48 hours later he wasn't home. I got invited to go to a party with some old school mates, so went along. I was angry with my partner for ditching me and our baby, so decided to go to the party, his family looked after our baby and told me how upset they were that he'd left us to party and that I deserved a night out.

The party was quite raucous and not what I was expecting, my friends were more wild than I thought. One of my oldest friends brother was there, I didn't know him except for knowing he was my friends brother and he was bad news. (My rapist aka: Sh = shothard)
I wanted to leave the party, but Sh took my keys and wouldn't let me leave, I tried forcibly taking my keys back so I could go, he head butted me and knocked me unconscious, when I came to he was having sex with me.

I still don't remember exactly how I got myself out of there but I got myself home with a huge black eye and a whole heap of trauma.
My partner was home when I got there and asked what had happened, I told him I'd been head butted and lost consciousness, he stuck his hands down my pants and told me I'd been ficked, I confessed there and then that I'd been raped, he said if that's true we'll go to the police now. I agreed to go.
I went through all the forensic tests and police interviews, I had to give all my clothes over for testing. The police interviewed my rapist and his associates.
The police came back to me and told me even though I had visible injuries and credible evidence of my rape it was still his word against mine and it would be more painful to relive it in court and be questioned about my attire and mental state at the time. I was angry at the time that he got away with it and angry that my partner never believed me (I doubt he believes me to this day) but at the end of the day I'm glad I listened to the police and dropped the charges, no way in the world was I in a position to go through a court case and be questioned about the offence that happened to me.

OP: just be there for your wife, listen to her don't jump to conclusions.
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Old 20th September 2017, 10:21 AM   #34
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To elaborate my partner was convinced I was out to be routed while he was out with 'Jane'.
I later caught him and 'Jane' together at home under the blankets when I wasn't due home.
Sh's brother is still a good friend of mine and I've never told him what happened with his brother and I.

It brings back a load of bad feelings to remember all this again, but I just felt like I have to share this so you can maybe understand?
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Old 20th September 2017, 10:59 AM   #35
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To elaborate my partner was convinced I was out to be routed while he was out with 'Jane'.
I later caught him and 'Jane' together at home under the blankets when I wasn't due home.
Sh's brother is still a good friend of mine and I've never told him what happened with his brother and I.

It brings back a load of bad feelings to remember all this again, but I just felt like I have to share this so you can maybe understand?
I'm so sorry you had to go through all of that.

Op, women( and men) who have been raped all react in their own way.
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Old 20th September 2017, 2:44 PM   #36
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Hi Folks, I think the OP did not like the advice he was getting and has abandoned his thread. This is a very delicate matter and I guess the OP is not qualified to handle something like this. The suddenness of something like this being revealed has probably knocked him off balance. Apart from the issue at hand it appears that his marriage was not in a good place and the revelation of this incident in the manner in which it came about has exacerbated certain suspicions that he may have been harbouring. To me it appears that his trust in his wife has been shaken and if trust is missing in a marriage I think it only leads downhill. I do hope the OP returns to at least address some of issues raised by folks responding on his thread. Warm wishes.
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