Unfortunately I am going through this again . . .

[volm1960]

As the title of my post says I am back.

 

My first marriage ended after 17 years over her infidelity with an old boyfriend, no reconciliation was desired by her even though I was willing to try (for the kids mostly). We divorced several years ago and had a fairly civil shared parenting arrangement; both of my kids are now in college. I rebuilt my life the best I could and avoided having any rebound relationships. My first wife is controlling, selfish, humorless, and as it later turned out vindictive so in hindsight I realized I was much better off without her. I was on SI for a while at that time and found it helpful to navigate these issues. I am 56 years old.

 

I met my second (current) wife a few years after my divorce and we hit if off immediately. She is fun to be with, has a great sense of humor, and is very devoted to me. We are very compatible, get along well, like to do most of the same things, have similar values, and our intimate life was great. We were both very happy together. She has said that she loves me so much, I am the best thing that has ever happened to her, and she loves the way I treat her. We have been married for two years.

 

Up until yesterday my marriage to my second wife was mostly good. We had the normal issues and conflicts that most couples do, and some typical second marriage with previous kids issues but for the most part we have dealt with them positively. I have been very attentive, affectionate, generous, try to avoid getting upset. We were talking to a family member recently and she mentioned her husband loves her unconditionally, my current wife said that applies to me too. Many people have told me what a great guy I am and that we have a great relationship. Her family thinks very highly of me. My friends tell me that I am a very genuine person with a lot of integrity; an “old soul”.

 

My current wife (she is 49 years old) was married the first time for about 17 years when she discovered her husband’s infidelity. No reconciliation was attempted and she ended up moving out of the family house. She has always said what an ass he was for doing that to her and some bad things he did to their kids. She also told me she couldn’t stand him and told me she regretted marrying him and sacrificing the things she wanted (such as going to college and having a career) for their relationship. For some reason which I still don’t fully understand her family ostracized her after this divorce and she didn’t have any contact with any of them for about a year and a half. After this marriage ended she immediately got involved with a co-worker and quickly married him, however they weren’t compatible at all and he because verbally abusive. This ended a few years later; I met her soon after she moved out from that second marriage. I should mention he was an absentee father and husband; he traveled quite a bit. He is a serial cheater, he ended up marrying his high school sweetheart (the OW in that case) but my wife strongly suspects there were many others during her marriage to him. The marriage to the high school sweetheart ended very badly a few years ago. He has been dating someone for the last couple of years but apparently that didn’t stop him from pursuing my wife recently.

 

Last April my wife started getting distant with me, at the time I had no idea why as our relationship was great until that point. During this time, she said she thought we got married too quickly (we dated for about two years, including living together) and expressed a desire to move out temporarily (3 months) to have some alone time to figure out what she wants. She also expressed a desire to see a counselor to help her with some issues from the past, however she never did. I was confused but respected her wishes and gave her some space and did a small 180. After those three weeks she admitted to me that her first husband had been contacting her, the conversations ran along the lines of he wanted to see her again, what a shame they weren’t together to enjoy their kids, he missed her, etc. At that time I asked her to block all contact with him and that he was a threat to our marriage but she refused, saying she could handle it. I was under the impression that it had stopped even though I asked about it a few times since. Our relationship returned to normal after that, she never did move out.

 

Yesterday afternoon my wife admitted to me what she had been unfaithful to me with her first husband. Apparently he continued to contact her after those three weeks last April I mention above with the same desires to get back together, he really missed her, etc. She said he was relentless to the point where she felt overwhelmed and it progressed to having sex with him on more than one occasion; she was so upset when she told me she couldn’t remember how many times. She feels very distraught and terrible about what happened. As far as I know she has never done anything like this before. I had no idea any of this was going on but apparently she confided to her sisters who strongly told her to stop. If only she had listened to them and me when I suggested a few months ago he was a threat to our marriage and therefore she should block contact with him.

 

I thought my wife was too strong to allow this to happen. As I said, I never got the impression her feelings for him were anything other than negative. So I am trying to make sense of this but I have the feeling some things aren’t adding up here.

 

As soon as she told me she was and is very remorseful, said she loves me very much and doesn’t want to lose me although she fears that is a likely outcome. She has offered to move out but I told her to wait until I make a decision. She appears to be very upset with herself and feels terrible. She has already totally blocked the ex-husband from communication, has apologized many, many times, and wants me back deeply. I told her I need to process what has happened to me and it will take some time.

 

I am very shocked, appalled and disappointed in her. We are both former betrayed spouses and discussed those common experiences many times, so we both knew what it was like to go through. She told me many times during our relationship that she would never cheat on me, but here we are. And she told me again last night after she admitted to her infidelity that she would never do it again; my reply was that I heard the same thing before this happened. I suspect she has some demons from the past that affect her; some I know about and some I don’t.

 

After she told me I left the house for a few hours. When I returned she was in bed but very lethargic. I asked her what was wrong and if she had taken anything (she has anxiety issues and takes meds for it). She nodded her head yes. I tried to find out how what and how much but couldn’t get any coherent answers. I found out from her sisters (one is a nurse) that she said she had taken “a bunch of pills” and “everything she had”. A few minutes later I saw her leaning over the sink trying to throw the pills up. A few pills were in the sink. After a phone call to the sister I told my wife either I take her to the ER or I call the squad. She refused the trip to the ER saying she hadn’t taken anything so she was taken to the ER by squad. I went there to take her home, they told me they were still waiting on blood tests but she checked out fine. The ER doc actually had a puzzled look on his face like he wasn’t sure why I did this which kind of pissed me off. My wife was very upset with me during this episode; she actually told me she hated me at one point. As we were driving away from the hospital she continued to be angry with me saying she couldn’t believe I did this and saying is going to start looking for an apartment. I told her based on the evidence I saw I thought I was doing what was in her best interest but if she wanted to move out that was up to her, I wasn’t asking her too. She then punched me in the mouth and I then lost my cool and slapped her back. She got this shocked look on her face then punched me again even harder and got out of the car. I left and she got her son to pick her up. After she returned home she wanted to talk to me, again saying how sorry she was for what happened and she desperately wants me back. I am totally bewildered by her behavior at this point.

 

This happened Tuesday so it’s still fresh in my mind and I am still trying to process it. She wants me back but I wonder if I will ever have the same feelings for her or trust her again. I have read many books and websites about infidelity from going through it the first time so I am familiar with the feelings and issues that are normally dealt with.

 

I am looking for some feedback into my situation. One of my faults is that I don’t see subtle things and have a hard time seeing why other people act the way they do. As with any situation there is likely more going on here than I realize. That’s why I like to get the opinions of others so I can make a decision on where to go from here.

 

Thank you for showing interest in this, any feedback and observations are welcome. If you need some clarification about some aspect on this situation I will try to provide that.

[BetrayedH]

It's difficult to advise you on what to do. While she sounded truly remorseful there for a while (particularly if she made this confession voluntarily), things do still seem off.

 

I suspect that the episode with the pills was an attempt to garner sympathy from you but it backfired when you insisted on medical help.

 

I'm curious about the one sister. If she's a nurse and knew that her sister had taken "a bunch of pills" and "everything she had," then why hadn't she already called an ambulance?

 

I don't know, bud. I went thru being a betrayed spouse and a false reconciliation. Personally, I'm not up for doing that again. If I find out that my significant other is (or has been) cheating, she can say hello to the curb. I can find a better partner in life than one that lies to me and cheats on me.

[Silveron]

I highly suggest you look up 'Borderline Personality Disorder'. Sounds like she might fit the criteria.

 

 

Wonder why she admitted it to you? Probably because the fling they were having fell apart and he was going to tell you.

 

 

You can't trust her, IMO you should talk to a lawyer and counselor and have her move out at least for awhile until she can get help. Also get all her passwords to her online accounts. There could be others. Don't trust what she says..

[notbroken]

You are both on your second marriages (or third). This one is relatively short and you don't have kids together (correct?).

 

Could you ever really trust her again? She clearly has 'issues'. She lied, blame shifted, and became violent. You could have ended up in jail with a record from hitting her - even if she hit you first. Just way too risky a situation in my opinion. I'm so sorry - you should bail. Fast. History will be rewritten so that you are violent and forced her into the arms of another man. Get out while you still have your dignity and no arrest record.

[aliveagain]

Friend, if you read on here enough you will find that every time a wayward spouse wants time apart it's almost always because they want to test drive another partner without the guilt of coming home to you. The reason she can't remember how many times they had sex is because you will be disgusted with her answer and will probably leave her. My ex was already banging her boss when she moved out to think things over, within a week she was also banging an airline pilot. We all get told the same bulls*it so we hang around if things don't work out with the other guy. You are her third husband, maybe the husbands aren't the problem, maybe her keeping her legs closed is the problem.

 

Come on friend, she moves out and immediately starts having sex with an ex so many times that she can't even remember just how many times. With her abusive ex at that, the one she says she can't stand, really? You haven't even been married to her 2 years and she has already moved out, started banging her ex and physically attacking you, run. Talk to a lawyer, get her professional help(something is not right with her, have her assessed) and carry a voice activated recorder anytime your around her. I would also suggest you talk to her sister and ask her to take her in because once the physical stuff starts it will only get worse. Protect yourself.

[Lobe]

So messy. So so messy.

 

1) do a 180, ask her to leave - she clearly needs time and space to figure herself out and you don't need to be her crutch

2) get yourself tested for STIs

3) if she attacks you physically again, do NOT swing back and press charges

ETA: 4) get a lawyer involved to see what divorce is going to look like

 

You need to look out for you, and throw ALL the balls in her court, and leave them there. Make sure that if you have made connections with each others' kids you protect those bonds and reassure the kids that it has nothing to do with them.

 

Sorry that you are going through this. Again.

[Mr. Lucky]

We have been married for two years.

Last April my wife started getting distant with me, at the time I had no idea why as our relationship was great until that point.

 

If my math is correct, you'd been married less than a year when your wife cheated, basically newlyweds.

 

She then punched me in the mouth and I then lost my cool and slapped her back. She got this shocked look on her face then punched me again even harder and got out of the car.

 

Strike two. Personally, wouldn't wait around for strike three. Given her level of erratic and purposely immoral behavior, the next level could easily involve injury, jail time or worse...

 

Mr. Lucky

[lolablue17]

She seems self centered, and like some people I know, has a hobby to damage and destroy themselves and their life, like an autoimmune disease.

 

This can be for many reasons but the fact is that she maybe feels she doesn't deserve to be happy. She feels that if she's happy, than something is probably wrong. Her remorse is probably honest but the same mechanism will hit again one way or another. Do you want to be a part of this tendency?

[NTV]

To be honest, I think you have been bamboozled and you need to haul tail. I have never heard of a betrayed spouse having their own family angry at them for a year and a half because they wanted to divorce. I have heard of a wayward's family doing that...

 

 

You're been down this road before man. She knew you went through it, and she slept with her ex anyway. Don't stay any longer.

 

 

As a side note, I think you should also make a video of you painting half your face blue and screaming 'Freeeeeeedooooooommmm!' when she gets the petition for divorce.

 

 

NTV

[road]

Friend, if you read on here enough you will find that every time a wayward spouse wants time apart it's almost always because they want to test drive another partner without the guilt of coming home to you. The reason she can't remember how many times they had sex is because you will be disgusted with her answer and will probably leave her. My ex was already banging her boss when she moved out to think things over, within a week she was also banging an airline pilot. We all get told the same bulls*it so we hang around if things don't work out with the other guy. You are her third husband, maybe the husbands aren't the problem, maybe her keeping her legs closed is the problem.

 

Come on friend, she moves out and immediately starts having sex with an ex so many times that she can't even remember just how many times. With her abusive ex at that, the one she says she can't stand, really? You haven't even been married to her 2 years and she has already moved out, started banging her ex and physically attacking you, run. Talk to a lawyer, get her professional help(something is not right with her, have her assessed) and carry a voice activated recorder anytime your around her. I would also suggest you talk to her sister and ask her to take her in because once the physical stuff starts it will only get worse. Protect yourself.

 

 

Yes it is time to divorce your WW.

[TrustedthenBusted]

I know what I would do.

 

This will never go away. Cut bait.

[Cephalopod]

To be honest, I think you have been bamboozled and you need to haul tail. I have never heard of a betrayed spouse having their own family angry at them for a year and a half because they wanted to divorce. I have heard of a wayward's family doing that...

 

 

You're been down this road before man. She knew you went through it, and she slept with her ex anyway. Don't stay any longer.

 

 

As a side note, I think you should also make a video of you painting half your face blue and screaming 'Freeeeeeedooooooommmm!' when she gets the petition for divorce.

 

 

NTV

 

 

What he said ^^^^^^^

 

Sorry my friend you were duped into marrying a woman who is most likely BPD or NPD and who most likely cheated in her past relationships. You married a con artist. Her own family cannot stand her.

 

She cannot keep from cheating, and she could only keep up the goody-goody act for so long, making herself out to be a victim of past partners. She takes what she wants from the person who is there at the moment to supply it for her.

 

Run, do not walk, to the nearest lawyer.

[Mr. Lucky]

To be honest, I think you have been bamboozled and you need to haul tail. I have never heard of a betrayed spouse having their own family angry at them for a year and a half because they wanted to divorce. I have heard of a wayward's family doing that

 

Wow, hadn't really thought about this angle.

 

volm1960, it's certainly possible her entire history as told by her and carefully detailed by you in your opening post is at best less than truthful, at worst entirely a lie.

 

I'd be very careful with credit cards, joint accounts and other mutual obligations as this develops and unwinds.

 

Sorry this has happened to you...

 

Mr. Lucky

[friendlyfriend]

I'm sorry you are experiencing this again.Betrayal, especially in a marriage, is very heart wrenching and shakes foundational beliefs of your very daily living as well. You know how hard recovery is.

 

Marriage is such a close relationship that it can't stand much ripping of the fabric, and still carry the intimacy of a shared and trusted relationship.

 

If you are accurate, it seems to me that you have an emotionally labile mate. She may seek and need the excitement of new attention to try and fill some large emotional hole she carries around. It's beyond excuses. Infidelity can be overcome with much commitment on both sides, but not if its serial infidelity. Going back to her 'hated ex' seems extremely serious. She needs extended professional help. You need caution and protection. That takes a miraculous marital intervention to have a worthy outcome, but not impossible under the right motives and help. Statistically, it's probably a long shot.

[Mr. Lucky]

If you are accurate, it seems to me that you have an emotionally labile mate.

 

Had to look that one up, perfect description...

 

Mr. Lucky

[karnak]

My current wife (she is 49 years old) was married the first time for about 17 years when she discovered her husband’s infidelity. No reconciliation was attempted and she ended up moving out of the family house. She has always said what an ass he was for doing that to her and some bad things he did to their kids. She also told me she couldn’t stand him and told me she regretted marrying him and sacrificing the things she wanted (such as going to college and having a career) for their relationship.

 

Honestly this statement is a real big red flag to me. In my experience (both with women I've dated and other divorced women I know) women usually don't carry any sort of strong feelings towards their exes when the relationship ends for good.

 

I know some divorced women, who were victim of abusive husbands, who keep a distant yet polite relationship with their ex-spouses. They manage to deal with them on regular basis (involving children issues mainly) yet being "emotionally numb" towards their ex-partners and being completely devoted to their new mates.

 

I'd say that every time that a woman expresses some sort of "strong" emotion concerning their ex (hatred, disdain, spite, etc) that usually means that their previous relationship isn't completely done/terminated in the back of their minds.

 

This leads me to think that your wife still had some very strong (subconscious or not) feeling towards her first husband.

I find interesting that you had not many words to spare concerning her second marriage. It was probably "over for good" in her head and so she didn't waste a lot of time hating or despising her second husband.

 

If you decide to divorce (and I suspect that may be the best for you) it's quite likely that she may reconcile with her first husband.

 

Hang in there and be strong. You've been through this once and you survived. You'll survive and be stronger from this one too.

[smackie9]

I don't condone what she did but I feel this is a mental health issue and the start of menopause (she is at the right age). I believe she is suffering from a hormone and chemical imbalance which would explain her unusual and violent behavior.

[NewLeaf512]

I think it's dangerous and irresponsible to give a Cluster B PD suggestion based on 1 post over the Internet and frankly (someone on LS posted this and I am repeating it here because it's so good) that's not his circus not his monkey.

 

OP: if I was your sister: friend:Mum - I'd drive over there and collect you and all of your belongings immediately.

 

She

Punched

You

In

The

Mouth

 

 

TWICE.

 

 

Please get out of there to safety

[NTV]

I just wanted to follow-up because I thought there's things that I didn't really address in my first response to you. I totally understand the feeling of being betrayed. I've been there myself. Then there were a lot of things where I felt I was weak...like trying for reconciliation... things where I wish I woulda stood up quicker faster and set up sooner.

 

A lot of time I look back now and think I should have done this or that immediately. The whole Shoulda Woulda Coulda. And I could totally get how your new wife cheating would be a massive enormous trigger for your first wife cheating. I imagine you're probably reliving the whole gamut of emotions that you went through the first time.

 

But this is also an opportunity correct the things you wish you would have done faster. A chance to say that I learned how to drop someone like a hot potato when they cheat. To leave and never look back.

 

While I wouldn't want to be in your shoes I kind of envy your chance for a do-over. And I really hope that what I'm saying right now helps you in some way shape or form. Wishing you strength!

Edited August 12, 2016 by NTV

[Wade Lamare]

 

Last April my wife started getting distant with me ......... During this time, she said she thought we got married too quickly (we dated for about two years, including living together) and expressed a desire to move out temporarily (3 months) to have some alone time to figure out what she wants.

 

After those three weeks she admitted to me that her first husband had been contacting her, the conversations ran along the lines of he wanted to see her again, what a shame they weren’t together to enjoy their kids, he missed her, etc. At that time I asked her to block all contact with him and that he was a threat to our marriage but she refused, saying she could handle it.................. she never did move out.

 

Yesterday afternoon my wife admitted to me what she had been unfaithful to me with her first husband.

 

Apparently he continued to contact her after those three weeks last April and it progressed to having sex with him on more than one occasion;

 

she was so upset when she told me she couldn’t remember how many times.

 

She feels very distraught and terrible about what happened.

 

 

 

 

 

As soon as she told me she was and is very remorseful, said she loves me very much and doesn’t want to lose me although she fears that is a likely outcome.

 

She appears to be very upset with herself and feels terrible.

 

She has already totally blocked the ex-husband from communication

 

She has apologized many, many times, and wants me back deeply.

 

After she told me I left the house for a few hours. When I returned she was in bed but very lethargic. I asked her what was wrong and if she had taken anything (she has anxiety issues and takes meds for it). She nodded her head yes. I tried to find out how what and how much but couldn’t get any coherent answers. I found out from her sisters (one is a nurse) that she said she had taken “a bunch of pills” and “everything she had”. A few minutes later I saw her leaning over the sink trying to throw the pills up. A few pills were in the sink. After a phone call to the sister I told my wife either I take her to the ER or I call the squad. She refused the trip to the ER saying she hadn’t taken anything so she was taken to the ER by squad. I went there to take her home, they told me they were still waiting on blood tests but she checked out fine. The ER doc actually had a puzzled look on his face like he wasn’t sure why I did this which kind of pissed me off. My wife was very upset with me during this episode; she actually told me she hated me at one point. As we were driving away from the hospital she continued to be angry with me saying she couldn’t believe I did this and saying is going to start looking for an apartment. I told her based on the evidence I saw I thought I was doing what was in her best interest but if she wanted to move out that was up to her, I wasn’t asking her too. She then punched me in the mouth and I then lost my cool and slapped her back. She got this shocked look on her face then punched me again even harder and got out of the car. I left and she got her son to pick her up. After she returned home she wanted to talk to me, again saying how sorry she was for what happened and she desperately wants me back. I am totally bewildered by her behavior at this point.

 

 

 

I am looking for some feedback into my situation. One of my faults is that I don’t see subtle things and have a hard time seeing why other people act the way they do. As with any situation there is likely more going on here than I realize. That’s why I like to get the opinions of others so I can make a decision on where to go from here.

 

Thank you for showing interest in this, any feedback and observations are welcome. If you need some clarification about some aspect on this situation I will try to provide that.

 

Reading between the lines I wouldn't be surprised if she got dumped by her ex. There is something a little off with her story. Are you sure she and he weren't discovered, he dumped her and hightailed, she confessed before you found out?

[Jersey born raised]

I agree with New leaf 512. To bring up the posdibility of cluster B, BPD, CSA, and FOO on one post with little info is looking at a herd of horses and claiming some are Zebras. Truth is ifba normal person took to the test that make up the scaies used for meassuring BPD and Cluster B they would score low accross the board and possibly med level on one or two. It is a high score over a range of test that leads to a finding of BPD, or one of the cluster Bs. Remenber this is a judgement call. It is not a blood test.

 

Downtown has posted amazing insightful posts on this subject. He was married for 15 years to a woman who was BPD. He read, went to therapist who specialized in the field, and strived daily to help his wife. He is a layman who has been there and down that. He will always caution even if you found the tests, filled them out from your wife's point of view they ONLY serve to find a qualified therapist to give the test and evaluate the person. No more no less.

 

Here is a link to his profile for those who might think there spouse might heed help. http://www.loveshack.org/forums/members/84986-downtown/

Edited August 14, 2016 by Jersey born raised

[Mr Blunt]

Your wife is weak, has serious defect in character, and lots of other baggage. In addition, She has failed at marriage 3 times. Do you want that baggage weight around your neck as you try to heal yourself?

[Miss Clavel]

i rarely feel this way but i feel like your wife got taken advantage of. by another man. who might need a talking too.

 

then i feel like i would wait. there could be some connection with him that overwhelms her. which means, you're out.

 

good luck

 

p.s. can everyone stop getting married for a year or two?

[GoldenR]

i rarely feel this way but i feel like your wife got taken advantage of. by another man

 

Yeahhhhhh.....how so? She took his calls, accepted the contact and attention from him. She didn't block contact from him when OP asked her to do so. By her accepting the contact and not cutting it off, she invited him to continue. He didn't drug her and have his way with her. She willingly did this a ****load of times which is why she said the stress of the situation is making her not remember. She wasn't taken advantage of.

[Scarlett94]

I'm sorry you are going through this. I'm a bs. Honestly if I had it to do over again I would have filed immediately. I cant seem to get over him being unfaithful and it's destroying me.

Edited August 15, 2016 by Scarlett94
Misspelled word