Extreme views on infidelity?

[Red123]

I have several friends in RL who have been touched by infidelity, and I have been aswell. None of our conversations about this in RL are ever as extreme as what I read online. I have seen WS compared to murderers, and even once a pedophile. When people compare it to the pain of losing a child I cannot relate. Watching my mother go through the pain of losing my sibling was horrific and my pain as a BS could in no way compare. When my friends and I discuss the infidelity in our lives it isn't to the extremes that I read about. My H affair was very painful and hard and still hurts sometimes but I can't say it's the worst thing I have ever been through. I also don't believe that all people who cheat are horrible people, I think we are all human and being human comes with lessons and mistakes(yes I know cheating is a choice). In RL the people I know believe As are terrible but they continue on mostly together. Do you find the people in RL you know have similar stances on infedelity as those online? Or is it just easier to voice when one is anonymous?

[Cymbeline]

Where do you live? I think reactions on here are often very culturally influenced. I also think those who are able to be less traumatised by it all are probably not on forums like this.

 

I see couples experience infidelity and work through it pragmatically or split up in real life. I expect their most painful confidences are unloaded to a couple of close friends and they maintain a bit of a front in public. But I'm in Europe.

[katielee]

It's a dealbreaker for everyone I know IRL. Although they are all supportive of our recovery. It's online where I find differing opinions, and when I find out they're from a different culture then I get it.

[vanhalenfan]

LS definitely shows me the differing opinions, however, I am in the school of believing infidelity to be pretty traumatic in the marriage/life. It depends on the bond between the husband and wife at the time of the affair as well. I find it to be a deal breaker in my personal life....I just can't be with a cheater. I am quite sure I would never trust again and it would make life very uncomfortable....living in suspicion all the time. I've never dealt with infidelity before though, so, who knows what it's like to truly go through it. I was suspicious at a time and it felt horrible, even when it turned out to be untrue I was still shaken by the whole experience. I can't really imagine how it would feel if it turned out to be true. Probably devastating.

[elaine567]

Or is it just easier to voice when one is anonymous?

 

^^^this ^^^

Yes. On LS, many people can vent and let their real anger, frustration and, upset show in an anonymous way, whereas in real life most tend to present a front, even to best friends and close family, especially if they have chosen to reconcile.

 

IRL - He is a good man deep down, I will stay and try to work it out. I will be fine

On LS - I hate him for what he has done, I think I am going to die, I am so hurt and cut up inside, but I feel I have to stay for the poor kids, does this ever get any better?

 

I think cheating affects everyone in different ways, I think it depends on how invested a person is in the marriage and how pragmatic they are.

If they are in deep with hearts and flowers, then the betrayal is going to be a lot harder to cope with, than if someone feels their marriage is more of a financial and practical solution for the bringing up of children and the real romance is long gone.

[Mrs. John Adams]

IRL We do not EVER talk about infidelity with anyone else. Ours...or anyone else's.

 

We were not as fortunate early on in our reconciliation to have internet forums to "discuss' our infidelities. So I cannot speculate how our conversations would have been early on in our reconciliation. But I suspect....ours would have been similar to others who post here.

 

My affair completely devastated my husband...he went into deep depression, it affected his health and his work....and he contemplated suicide many many times. So when he says it is the worst thing that ever happened to him...I believe him. I don't think he is exaggerating...for him...it really was that horrific.

 

Does infidelity affect everyone this way? Probably not.

[JohnAdams]

As my wife said, in real life we never discuss ours or anyone elses infidelity.

 

Over the years, I have seen several men who work for me get a divorce. In every case there was infidelity involved. In every case but one, the person going through the divorce was completely useless for at least a year. I think I was very tolerate of their lack of productivity knowing that even though I did not get a divorce, I was pretty useless for a year. I think the only reason I was not fired or at least reprimanded was the halo effect from my past performance.

 

Yes, infidelity is the worst thing that has ever happened to me in my life. We had a daughter that almost died in an accident, that would be the second worst.

 

I do not think the stories on LS are extreme at all. In real life, after a year or so, these people function and go on with life. They can vent and express their feeling on an anonymous board, something they can not do in real life.

Edited May 28, 2016 by JohnAdams

[Red123]

Where do you live? I think reactions on here are often very culturally influenced. I also think those who are able to be less traumatised by it all are probably not on forums like this.

 

I see couples experience infidelity and work through it pragmatically or split up in real life. I expect their most painful confidences are unloaded to a couple of close friends and they maintain a bit of a front in public. But I'm in Europe.

 

I'm in Canada. I completely agree that it can be traumatizing without a doubt. I was more referring to cheaters being compared to murderers and molesters and the stance that they are horrible people who can't be fixed or ever be trusted again. Everyone is different for sure and this has been painful, I just don't think that because he cheated for a few months I should write off everything about him.

[Red123]

As my wife said, in real life we never discuss ours or anyone elses infidelity.

 

Over the years, I have seen several men who work for me get a divorce. In every case there was infidelity involved. In every case but one, the person going through the divorce was completely useless for at least a year. I think I was very tolerate of their lack of productivity knowing that even though I did not get a divorce, I was pretty useless for a year. I think the only reason I was not fired or at least reprimanded was the halo effect from my past performance.

 

Yes, infidelity is the worst thing that has ever happened to me in my life. We had a daughter that almost died in an accident, that would be the second worst.

 

I do not think the stories on LS are extreme at all. In real life, after a year or so, these people function and go on with life. They can vent and express their feeling on an anonymous board, something they can not do in real life.

 

I don't think the stories are extreme, I am referring to the extreme views on cheaters and who they are. Some may be as bad as they are made out to be, but some are good people who made bad choices and are working at making up for them.

[Jersey born raised]

Help please what is RL and IRL.

[Red123]

We are all different. For me my Hs A was horrible and painful. Losing my sister tragically and being diagnosed with an incurable illness were/are worse FOR ME. So the A was not the worst ever, although it's in the top 3:)

[Mrs. John Adams]

Help please what is RL and IRL.

 

real life

in real life

[AlwaysGrowing]

Red123:

 

What you said reminded me of a line Jessica Lange says in The Vow. "I chose to stay with him for all the things he's done right."

 

For most BS, there was love, caring, nurturing, romance, family....and an us, before the betrayal. It is not like all their FWS ever showed them was infidelity, betrayal and lies. That is why the pain is so great...why betrayal hurts so very much. Being betrayed by someone that you don't love or think well of doesn't hurt to the same depth.

 

Don't most put up some type of front to others regardless of what is going on in ones life? Do people generally operate in only one mode all day...everyday? Isn't it only to those that we feel supported and safe with, that we show our vulnerabilities and soft underbelly?

[Moxie Lady]

I agree with most everything you posted Red.

 

I am a BS. Yes it hurt when he cheated and I was angry. But just thinking about having one of my children die is so so much worse than being cheated on ever could be. Its not even in the same world. It offends me to even compare the 2 (I dont mean to offend anyone who thinks otherwise, people feel what they feel).

 

I dont feel I have extreme views on infidelity despite being online on a forum. My exH immediately wanted me back after I found out but I suspect it wasnt so much me he wanted back, but his "life". And the half of our financial assets he was about to lose.

 

When I said I wanted a divorce, if that had jolted him into some kind of remorse (or even just real regret at that point) I would have given him a chance. Yes I would have forgiven (if thats the right word) his cheating. But that didnt happen.

 

If my then husband had gone out and committed a murder, would I have forgiven him? No.

 

I think where it gets extreme is when people project their experiences onto either their WS if reconciliation, or on to future relationships if divorce. I know (of) someone who has an absolute hair trigger when it comes to even the mention of infidelity. I wont go into it, suffice to say that he was looking so hard at the trees that he missed the forest.

 

You have to be able to see the big picture. It is not fair to the other person to expect them to jump thru hoops that are based on BS extreme fears around infidelity.

 

This is why I posted the thread on trust. I believe I can go forward into a new relationship and not let any extreme views affect me. If it becomes proven (and I mean proven, not me obsessing over it) that a new person has cheated on me that is a different story.

[Mrs. John Adams]

I don't think the stories are extreme, I am referring to the extreme views on cheaters and who they are. Some may be as bad as they are made out to be, but some are good people who made bad choices and are working at making up for them.

 

Red....

 

as a wayward who has participated on these forums for several years...I have been called all kinds of horrible names...I have been compared to all kinds of criminals....so yes...there are extreme views on cheaters.

 

the truth is...I am just a woman....who was naive and a bit disillusioned....and I made a very terrible choice that has affected the rest of my life....and even worse....it affected my husbands life who never had a say in the choice I made.

 

I am not a horrible person...I am not even a bad person. I have been a good wife and a good mother and grandmother. I honor my parents...I love my God. When I stand before the judgement seat of heaven...my sin of infidelity...just like all of my other sins...has been covered by the blood of the Lamb. I do not have to answer to anyone else. I have asked for forgiveness from my husband and my God....and they have both given me the gift of forgiveness.

 

I once was lost but now am found...was blind but now I see.

[AlwaysGrowing]

I agree with most everything you posted Red.

 

I am a BS. Yes it hurt when he cheated and I was angry. But just thinking about having one of my children die is so so much worse than being cheated on ever could be. Its not even in the same world. It offends me to even compare the 2 (I dont mean to offend anyone who thinks otherwise, people feel what they feel).

 

I dont feel I have extreme views on infidelity despite being online on a forum. My exH immediately wanted me back after I found out but I suspect it wasnt so much me he wanted back, but his "life". And the half of our financial assets he was about to lose.

 

When I said I wanted a divorce, if that had jolted him into some kind of remorse (or even just real regret at that point) I would have given him a chance. Yes I would have forgiven (if thats the right word) his cheating. But that didnt happen.

 

If my then husband had gone out and committed a murder, would I have forgiven him? No.

 

I think where it gets extreme is when people project their experiences onto either their WS if reconciliation, or on to future relationships if divorce. I know (of) someone who has an absolute hair trigger when it comes to even the mention of infidelity. I wont go into it, suffice to say that he was looking so hard at the trees that he missed the forest.

 

You have to be able to see the big picture. It is not fair to the other person to expect them to jump thru hoops that are based on BS extreme fears around infidelity.

 

This is why I posted the thread on trust. I believe I can go forward into a new relationship and not let any extreme views affect me. If it becomes proven (and I mean proven, not me obsessing over it) that a new person has cheated on me that is a different story.

 

I think having infidelity fears in a new relationship is very different than infidelity fears that one might have while R. Infidelity based fears for a R BS are rooted in what the FWS has shown that they are capable of...they are reality based fears. Those fears if unaddressed by both parties are the main reason why R is/was unsuccessful.

[Moxie Lady]

I think having infidelity fears in a new relationship is very different than infidelity fears that one might have while R. Infidelity based fears for a R BS are rooted in what the FWS has shown that they are capable of...they are reality based fears. Those fears if unaddressed by both parties are the main reason why R is/was unsuccessful.

 

Very good point

[Cymbeline]

I'm in Canada. I completely agree that it can be traumatizing without a doubt. I was more referring to cheaters being compared to murderers and molesters and the stance that they are horrible people who can't be fixed or ever be trusted again. Everyone is different for sure and this has been painful, I just don't think that because he cheated for a few months I should write off everything about him.

 

I agree. To generalise, I feel that the more Puritan the culture/ environment you live in or grew up in, the greater the feeling of failure and shame. And that is why some people seem to feel so very, very strongly about infidelity.

[Lady Hamilton]

A huge chunk of it the interwebz. The anonymity gives people courage they wouldn't otherwise have and I think a lot of people get triggered and find it in them to say what they've always wanted to say in their IRL situation. Exercising demons and whatnot.

 

In the real world everybody knows my husband and I had an affair. Some people know I left my marriage for my AP, but most don't realize I was married before my now-husband. Everybody knows my now-husband was married before and left her for me. I'd say 3 out of 5 don't care, 1 out of 5 cared very much, and 1 out of 5 say something rude about getting why my husband left her.

 

The world is a different place outside of forums.

[Mrs. John Adams]

Lady H....we have very dear friends that live in Canada. We have known them 16 years and they have lived together that whole time. They have never married. Before we met them...they were both married to other people. They met at work...had an affair...and divorced their spouses.

 

It makes no difference to us. We make no judgement one way or the other. We have never told them about our past....I don't know if they would be as gracious toward us if they knew....

 

funny how that works.....

[pheonixrisen]

In rl I am not sure how people discuss infedility as I have not discussed my h affair with anyone ...I am private I don't like my affairs out there ..and I am fiercely loyal to the man who did not give me it in return ...I could not get my self to tell anyone a negative about him even though it was extremely traumatising for me ...I suffered the discovery and everything following alone !...Our families don't know nobody around us knows ..

 

I would not want to create a conflict situation for me as if anyone family or friend would have said anything against him my hackles would rise ..Further more .I would not want him to feel embarrassed or ashamed or less of in any future communication with anyone outside ...its our private matter it's our burden to bear .

 

This board gives Me the anonymity I desire to discuss openly understand and process ...

 

Till this date :my h infidelity has been single handedly the most traumatising heartbreaking experience for me ...

 

I also don't consider affairs to be a mistake ..like he is human he made a mistake .A mistake would be if I went to a grocery to buy egg and came back with lemons ....no my husband made a conscious deliberate choice everyday to step out on me ...did he feel guilt he said yes he did ....did he know I would hurt if I found out ...yes ....did it stop him from doing it ...NO

 

Wrong yes a mistake no !

 

I stayed to reconcile for all the rights he did ...and still does ..He is a good guy who made an extremely bad choice .

[dichotomy]

Not as bad as loosing my dad a few years ago, or cancer.. but close and hurtful in its own right. Probably worse then childhood abuse.

 

Others infidelity trauma or suffering or stress or hurt ...may vary.

[ShatteredLady]

My brother (only sibling) took his life as a result of adultery & all the crap that comes with it. I COMPLETELY understand.

 

I know that loosing my brother will be a hurt that I carry with me until my dying day. Same & worse for my parents. They are forever changed.

 

In the 'moment', the months following my husbands infidelity it was mentally & physically the most painful & damaging experience of my life but now that the intense insanity & agony is receding I know that it will not be a pain I carry for the rest of my life. Hopefully.

 

There are far worse & PERMANENT things that one can experience in life. Fortunately few will ever know them.

 

Permanent chronic pain & cancer don't compare for ME. Adultery, betrayal, cruelty, loss of so many things that as a mother, hapless romantic, wife, ME is far worse because it's intentional agony inflicted by someone who had my love, faith, everything, for all of my adult life.

 

For me it's all the 'stuff' that came with infidelity that makes it so hard to deal with. All of the other things, death, health etc come with love & support. Adultery is the opposite. I'm alone in this world.

 

Of course the fact that I am living with the loss of my brother, my health, my pain, my mortality etc AND infidelity undoubtedly makes the infidelity worse than it would probably otherwise be.

[Moxie Lady]

Im so sorry about your brother Shattered.

 

I'm alone in this world.

 

If theres one thing that I have learned its that we are all really truly alone in this world. The only one person we can count on one hundred percent is ourselves.

[ShatteredLady]

Moxie. This - "If theres one thing that I have learned its that we are all really truly alone in this world. The only one person we can count on one hundred percent is ourselves."

 

....is the most painful thing for me! I hate that, I truly do.

 

I'm coping by focusing on my very special friendships that I'm blessed with & my 'real' family (my babies & parents). I just don't think that mentally, given everything else I'm living with I can really accept your truth even though intellectually I get it.

 

 

Because of this nightmare I've made a friend that I share everything with, no shame, no fear. It's my leap of faith. She is my touch-stone.

Edited May 29, 2016 by ShatteredLady