- is she cheating?

[Stephen32]

34m / 33f

 

Advice please - im concerned my wife may be cheating.

 

Shes always seems very loyal and not the type to cheat...married 6 yrs - never found her flerting etc

 

We have two young kids 4yrs and one 6mnths

 

She recently joined the gym while on her maternity leave and did some instructor classes in the evening.

 

This was a run up to a holiday, 2 weeks prior so she could get in shape.

 

I would come home from work 6pm and she would leave after a bit to go to the gym class(s).

 

ok so during the first two weeks she commented on a gym instructor taking interest in her, asking personal questions etc and seems quite flattered making a joke of it...

 

I was a bit nervous the way she was saying this as a joke - this is not somthing she would normally say - the last time she mentioned someone flerting and she was flattered was in a house share with someone at uni - luckerly the guy tuned out to be gay (fact :as he married a man later) but she admitted after i questioned her she fancied the pants off him - so maybe she tried to go further?...

 

anyway..

 

We then went on holiday with family -(inlaws) - we had a great time, but we didn't have any intimate time together , we only kissed a few times i think that was it , we had two single beds we pushed them togther but didnt cuddle or cross over etc whole holiday.

 

..Anyway since shes been back

I am back at work, and now shes going to gym every night doing at least 2 classes.

 

Shes must be going I know that much as she has got in shape.

 

During the last two weeks shes bought matching gym top and trousers, shes styles her hair before she leaves.

 

We sleep in the same bed but dont kiss or cuddle, she doesnt even ask me for it anymore.

 

I pinched her bum the other day as a joke and was met with a lecture on how she doesn't like to be grabbed and she doesn't want me to touch her - its only a joke done this lots of times before... she got really offensive and we had a row.

 

Anyway.. so every night shes been to the gym for 2 classes in a row, and gets back late.

 

Last night I was very suspicious...

 

She said she went swimming for 1 hr then a instructor class for an hr.

 

Last night she came back with a bottled drink and said the instructor had given it to her for free as she forgot her water bottle (he rushed out to reception to the vending machine and got her a drink for free....) although they have normal water to drink for free?! and these bottles are normally £2 or so...

 

We watched some telly, and then I jumped her and tried to kiss, we kissed and I pulled her close and then she stripped, I noticed she was wearing lace panties - they were very wet - but we hadn't done anything yet.

 

She had shaved down there too - very neatly its normally natural.

 

We had intercourse and it felt very different, she was very wet and open for me almost loose.

 

If she had been swimming she would have showered and cleaned as well?

 

In all the time I have been with her 10yrs or so - its never been like that before we even started.

 

I also noticed a scratch on her inner thigh clearly from a nail, she said she must have done it in class..

 

I commented on how 'excited' she seemed to be before we even really started and was just brushed off, - normally a lot of foreplay require

 

... at this point we stopped I didnt want to continue and she made an excuse to go to bed - nothing was said at all...

 

Have been keeping my distance and not making any intimate contact to see if she tries to initiate it...

 

Am I over reacting?

 

I checked her phone and email while she wasnt looking, everything seemed 'normal' exceptionally normal.... but somthing doesnt add up...

 

Any advice?

[JS84]

She could be cheating or it could be nothing. Do NOT confront or voice your suspicions however until you have some type of proof. I'm sure others will chime in on how to go about getting it.

[sandylee1]

Why don't you make arrangements for the kids and go to the gym while she's there. Sit in your car in the car park where you can get a good view and be discreet.

 

Make a note of where her car is in the car park and keep an eye on it and on the door.

[qubist]

Stephen: her behavior is definitely suspicious but you still don't have any clear evidence. you have to be vigilant but be sure to remain calm.

Do not confront her without evidence. if she is cheating she will deny it if she is not you will look silly. keep an open eye on her, I don't know how's your financial situation but if you can afford a private investigator without her noticing it would be the best thing for you to do. but remember PI are not cheap and if she notice that you spent that much on it she would know that you are spying on her, if you can't hire a PI you will have to figure out a way to spy, have a trusted friend do it for you , or drop the kids to your parents or hers and go yourself.

[Midwestmissy]

I'd be interested to know how many times feelings like this turned out to be way off base. I'd bet it's quite rare. Your instincts are sending you pretty clear signals - mine did too and I ignored. Everything I sensed was exactly correct. But I muffled it all - plus he called me crazy and unhinged for suspecting. I would immediately go into investigating mode. Your senses are there for a reason - they are telling you what you don't want to know. Trust yourself over your wife -hardest lesson I ever learned. Good luck and try to get yourself mentally prepared for some bad news. I'm so sorry, this is tough.

[Buckeye2]

At the very least the instructor finds her attractive and she's enjoying the attention. The attention is causing her to think about sex. That plus a better body image is why she was turned on. Again this is the very least, there may be more.

 

The instructor wants to get in her pants. If given a chance he will say bad things about you and tell her that she deserves better. Step up your attention but be aware that a husband’s complements can’t compete with a strangers. Put a VAR under her car seat. If she suddenly stops talking about the instructor then you’re in trouble.

[Clarence_Boddicker]

Hire a friend that she doesn't know of or a Private Investigator to take a few classes & observe what happens.

 

 

In general, when a woman starts cutting sex out, that usually means they're done with you.

[AGoodFriend]

I paid close attention to the part about the email and messages being "exceptionally normal." The reality is that if they are both in it for casual sex, and see each other frequently at the gym, they have no need to call, text, or email each other. So don't think that no contact is a good thing: they just don't need it.

 

If your wife is focusing on her looks, talking about complements and interest from other men, but not willing to have sex with YOU anymore, that is certainly a very bad sign. It would be one thing to say that she was suffering PPD, and not interested in anything, but clearly she relishes the attention she is receiving from other men at the gym, as a means to validate her beauty after having a second child.

 

I'd be about 70-30 that she is pretty close to trying something with someone (the instructor), just to prove to herself that she is desirable. She is also clearly looking to escape from the daily pressures of motherhood.

 

Try to get your emotions ready, my friend, because when it hits, it is going to hurt like hell...

[oldshirt]

You definitely have probable cause to bump up to an actual investigation.

 

 

I would normally advise to really dig through her electronics for emails, txts etc but I agree with the above poster, they have an opportunity to see each other every night, so they may not be communicating much electronically.

 

 

I think you have enough to justify having her followed.

 

 

If you do it yourself just keep in mind the 4 year old is old enough to tell mommy that someone else babysat while you were gone. Having a trusted friend or relative that she doesn't know at all is an option, but I think you have enough to justify hiring an actual PI that specializes in adultery.

 

 

I would also start preparing my heart for some bad news and would also start looking into attorneys and divorce laws and such.

 

 

I also definitely agree with the others that you absolutely do not want to bring up any of your concerns or suspicions with her until you have hard evidence. If you bring up suspicions, she will just go deeper underground and cover her tracks better. you want her to think that you are completely clueless and trust her completely. You want her to get sloppy.

[oldshirt]

I'd also advise not to get to focused on the instructor. It certainly may be him but it could be someone else at the gym or even a neighbor down the street and the work outs are just the excuse to get out of the house.

[Southern Sun]

Just sharing my thoughts as a fWW (hope it doesn't offend you that I am responding):

 

The additional time away from the house at night going to the gym could be a red flag. So could making herself look nice for the gym, but that could go either way.

 

The extra hour tacked on (swimming and a class) is even more questionable.

 

Her getting snippy with you about a pinch on the behind is especially noticeable to me (this happened with me during my affair...I got very irritated with my H's advances).

 

Additional grooming 'down there' out of the norm could be a red flag (another thing I did). However, if she was going to be in a bathing suit, that could be an explanation...

 

Being 'wet' and 'open' when you started to become intimate...I don't know about that. If it was after going swimming (sorry if TMI), that just kind of happens with lady parts. Now, if she went swimming and THEN took a class, it wouldn't make as much sense. But you get what I'm saying.

 

It hasn't been long since you noticed a change. It's possible she is only beginning to entertain the idea of someone else, maybe enjoying someone's attention, flirting, etc. Perhaps an emotional affair. Perhaps nothing at all. We can't know. But it seems enough cause for further investigation or, depending on your relationship, a heart-to-heart talk. But I know many on here advise not revealing your cards without proof.

 

My best to you.

[oldshirt]

, But it seems enough cause for further investigation or, depending on your relationship, a heart-to-heart talk. But I know many on here advise not revealing your cards without proof.

 

 

As a FWW, surely you know the ineffectiveness and dangers of a "heart to heart talk" without solid evidence.

 

 

If when you were having your A if your H came up to you and said, "Honey, I getting a weird vibe with you spending so much time at the gym and things have seemed a little different lately," would your response have been, "oh yes, I have been having this torrid affair with this guy at the gym and having all sorts of wild monkey sex while you have been home taking care of our children."

 

 

Or would you have laughed it off and made it seem like he was being silly and paranoid and would you have acted a little shocked and offended that he would've thought such a thing? And then would you have put more effort into covering your tracks and destroying whatever evidence that there may have been?

 

 

The only time for a heart to heart talk is after you know what the whole story really is and you have decided on a game plan as to whether to offer a chance for reconciliation or a discussion how cooperative the divorce will be.

[Marc878]

I'd have a friend go by the gym and check it out a couple times. Your gut reaction is almost always correct.

 

Better safe than sorry.

 

Good luck

[Stephen32]

thanks everyone - good advice.

 

I will keep quiet for now and do some investigating to see if I can discover anything...

 

Just to clarify - she did go swimming first and then did an hr spinning class - in that order before she came home 'excited'

 

I checked and her towel was wet and she had a wet swimming costume in bag - they were not that wet though - the swim suit was wet but not soaking and the towel was damp - I know when I go swimming no matter how much I wring out my swimming shorts their still pretty soaking and the towel gets soaked....

 

 

Her hair was a mess too when she came back, like after we have sex... but again surely she washed her hair after swimming?

[Miss Peach]

I would actually learn toward no. If she recently had a child and is trying to lose the baby weight she could be be happy she is still attractive to someone or has a little crush. It doesn't mean she is acting on it.

 

I know when I was pregnant I felt so fat and disgusting. A guy hit on me the day after I gave birth at the gas station. It made my day. I tried to do several things to make myself feel more attractive while losing the baby weight including wearing my nicer underwear more. Unfortunately my XH thought they were cheating signs too.

 

The point I'm making is all this could be innocent.

[qubist]

I would actually learn toward no. If she recently had a child and is trying to lose the baby weight she could be be happy she is still attractive to someone or has a little crush. It doesn't mean she is acting on it.

 

I know when I was pregnant I felt so fat and disgusting. A guy hit on me the day after I gave birth at the gas station. It made my day. I tried to do several things to make myself feel more attractive while losing the baby weight including wearing my nicer underwear more. Unfortunately my XH thought they were cheating signs too.

 

The point I'm making is all this could be innocent.

Nobody here is confirming that she is cheating, but there are questionable red flags that can't just be ignored

Trust and verify

[Southern Sun]

As a FWW, surely you know the ineffectiveness and dangers of a "heart to heart talk" without solid evidence.

 

 

If when you were having your A if your H came up to you and said, "Honey, I getting a weird vibe with you spending so much time at the gym and things have seemed a little different lately," would your response have been, "oh yes, I have been having this torrid affair with this guy at the gym and having all sorts of wild monkey sex while you have been home taking care of our children."

 

 

Or would you have laughed it off and made it seem like he was being silly and paranoid and would you have acted a little shocked and offended that he would've thought such a thing? And then would you have put more effort into covering your tracks and destroying whatever evidence that there may have been?

 

 

The only time for a heart to heart talk is after you know what the whole story really is and you have decided on a game plan as to whether to offer a chance for reconciliation or a discussion how cooperative the divorce will be.

 

I would say you're mostly right.

 

If she is knee-deep and enjoying herself, she will likely deny it. If that is the case, she will be in denial herself.

 

If she is scared and in over her head, she may be looking for a way to tell her H...but often it takes a while to get to the "scared" point.

 

Of course, I am looking at this from my POV. Sometimes WS never get scared; they just want what they want. Sometimes they don't have an affair to begin with and we are all worked up for nothing.

 

The OP is the only one that knows himself and his relationship. I am just saying that there came a time in my own A that if my H had come to me, and said in a NON threatening way - something seems off with you...I am worried for you, worried for us...I want you to be able to talk to me...maybe everything is fine, but I am sensing that it's not...I'll give you some time to think, but if there is anything you want to get off your chest, let's make the next 24 hours an open forum. And if it's hard for me to hear, I'll still do my best to hear it. Because what I want right now more than anything, more than pretty words, is honesty.

 

I think, as terrified as I would have been, I would have talked to him. Maybe not at certain points along the way, true. But certainly LONG before I actually did. I'm NOT blaming him at all (don't get me wrong!). But I was completely terrified to confess and having this kind of ability to communicate, the opportunity, it would have encouraged openness. Once you dig your hole, it starts to feel a lot safer to stay in it, sadly.

[Chi townD]

I agree with the others. If your gut is telling you something is a bit..off, then go with your gut. And I also agree that you should NOT approach her about it. If you don't have evidence, then the ONLY thing you're doing is teaching her to hide it better. You need to act like you don't have a care in the world and all is right in the universe. The more she thinks you're clueless, then the more relaxed she becomes. And THAT'S when she's going to make a mistake!

 

 

I go to a gym and I don't usually see too many people taking a class and hanging out till another one starts. That seems a bit odd to me because those classes whether it's a spin class or Zumba, those classes are designed to give you a full workout and push you hard. So, one class is usually enough (not to mention, expensive).

 

 

And others are right. They see each other way too much to need to text or call each other. They've already established a routine. So, no reason to call each other and set something up, they'll see each other soon enough. Another thing to consider is you stated that she talked about this instructor a lot. My question is, did that calm down or gotten to the point that she doesn't bring him up at all or very little? That could also be telling. If she talked about this guy a lot, then she could have been having a crush on this guy. When it stopped is when the affair started to happen. She shut up about him to get you not to be suspicious about them and protect the affair.

 

 

I agree with Sandy and another poster. When she leaves for the gym, have someone watch the kids so you can go see what's going on, or get a trusted friend that she may not know go into the gym and see what's up.

Edited November 6, 2015 by Chi townD

[BetrayedH]

I put a GPS in my wife's car. Caught her at a hotel on the first download.

 

Agree with the others that you keep your mouth shut until you know everything you can from investigating. Confronting them accomplishes nothing, even after the discovery, for that matter. An effective confrontation is done with divorce papers. Until then, play stupid and compliant.

[EmbraceTheChange]

In answer to the swimming costume not being soaking: most gyms have little dryers to dry the costumes. Obviously the smell of chlorine is still on. She could also have used a gym towel to dry herself after her swim, and used her own towel for the class, hence her towel not being soaking wet.

 

But use your own head. If you think something's up and never had these thoughts before, you need to check.

[merrmeade]

I think there's a range of possible responses from a spouse already feeling a sexual turn-on from a real or potential AP and can depends on a lot of variables. Here's a list to get you started:

(1) the level of openness in the marriage prior;

(2) the way the spouse handles any kind of shady, potentially compromising situation that s/he really wants;

(3) how naive, inattentive and/or trusting the other spouse is;

(4) how sizzling the whole thing has gotten / how turned on s/he is by the potential AP or situation.

 

What Southern Sun said is one possibility, a pretty good one, and when I finally caught my WH, it was that approach that got him to open up and even tell me about other As. I think he'd gaslighted because he could—because I was that easy and that clueless and because he so didn't want to get caught. I think that he learned to shift into denial himself and then, when the A ended, successfully sweep away the guilt.

 

The take-away? Get more information. Don't be clueless. Then, when you do ask, don't be confrontational so the door's open and her response is fresh and honest. You can decide what to do about it later.

Edited November 6, 2015 by merrmeade

[oldshirt]

never ask a question you don't already know the answer to.

[sandylee1]

My swimsuit isn't soaking wet after a swim. As someone pointed out...there are dryers at most gyms.

 

My towel isn't soaking wet after a swim...but my husbands is much wetter. Maybe it's a guy thing.

 

I think you're reading meaning into everything right now...but getting down to the gym is your best bet. Covert surveillance.

 

If she's just enjoying the complements and nothing else right now...then extra attention and complements from you will boost her confidence. You noticing the effort she's putting into getting her figure back... will make her feel great.

 

I know when I was in the gym after I'd just had my second child ... a couple of guys would pay complements when I was working out - I never told my H... but I was never interested in them.

 

She could have mentioned it to you

 

to see your reaction,

to get some attention from you

because she trusts you

[Lion Heart]

Stephen I'm really sorry you're here. But you may find it's the very best place for you. I hope not!

 

BTW I'm a BW (a hopelessly naive and innocent one!) my WH was a serial cheater. I'll PM you his response to this thread if things go on. I asked WH if he was having an A after every nightmare I had over 3-4 years. WH deserves an Academy Award for his performances when I asked. Not 1 red flag AT ALL during my waking hours. I literally trusted him 100%.

 

My take?

Its HER CHANGE IN BEHAVIOURS that alerted your gut.

NOTE WELL: HER CHANGE ...

THIS alone is a RED FLAG.

 

Her shaving her VJJ? Ummmm and not telling you to get the zing back etc? IMO a major red flag ESP if this is another CHANGE.

 

Yes ABSOLUTELY YOU know her degree of "wetness", the feel etc. Another CHANGE.

 

Bumping up to TWO "CLASSES" per night? With a 6 month old?

Woah.

Don't confront. DON'T. Worst thing to do. But do you remember her doing two classes per night after the birth of baby number 1? If not then this is another CHANGE. Sure she may have had more baby weight to lose this time but I doubt it if she was getting compliments from the instructor quickly. For all you know gym classes are where he gets his pickings from!

Do not confront him either!

 

No amount of confrontation is gonna help you right now.

None. You'll just come off looking like a paranoid, jealous H EVEN IF IT'S A FULL BLOWN A.

 

EVIDENCE. GET IT.

 

I've downloaded phone records and the numbers are all there.

He was careful to delete everything. I never checked anyway!

 

In hindsight his behaviours with his phone were sus but I wasn't looking. LOOK.

 

Better still ask her to go to the gym WITH you. Notice her reaction.

Or ask her to go to a DIFFERENT gym with you. Notice her reaction. Yeah just playing the game really. I can't stand that either. But you just might see a very over the top level of FURY that is unwarranted.

 

Best wishes. I hope you get a resolution quick smart.

Lion Heart.

[kgcolonel]

I agree with Lion especially in that it won't be the exact response that is key but the reaction. If the reaction is negative or resistant without a chance to consider a joint gym visit then this is another Red Flag.

 

Take care