What I've learned from this forum

[Tresmilmilhas]

I've been reading some posts here and it has been a real wake up call.

 

A little about me: I've been married for a number of years. My husband cheated, so I was the wife and I can tell you a little bit about that.

 

Did my husband want to leave and fall in love with another woman? Yes

Did he file for a divorce? Yes

Do we have little kids, one of which was a newborn at the time? Yes

Did the other woman pressure him to leave? Yes

Did he actually move out? Yes

Did he follow through with it? No

 

Did I ever forgive him? No

Does he profess how sorry he is and that he loves me? Yes

Do I believe him? Nope

Will our marriage last? I'm not sure

 

Right in the middle of this mess, my ex, whom I never really got over, contacted me. We've kept contact off and on for years but I never let him know how I still thought about him, but decided it was time. We found out surprised how mutual and intense the feelings are. There's just one catch: we live in different states and he is also married.

 

We've had an emotional, online affair for a year now. He says he loves me so much it hurts and that he wouldn't be able to stand losing me again... He also says he can't leave his family...

 

I may move back to his state and we will finally see each other again. I had been thinking that his ambiguity about leaving his wife has to do with lack of contact face to face between him and I, but after reading some posts here, I have noticed some common lies and manipulations about the whole affair thing:

 

1) the word soulmate and love comes up a lot. If it's the real thing like they sua it is, why not take a chance?

2) the marriage is sexless and the wife is a bore. When I read my husbands emails, he vilified me in this way. The truth is that I always complained to my husband that our sex life was boring and he is a very difficult person. The person he painted me out to be to the OW is very different from who I am. We also had sex like bunnies. Our marriage is no sexless by any means. I highly doubt that my ex's sex life is as dull as he make it seem.

3) they can't leave because of the kids and that makes it seem like they are so noble. I think what they feel is guilt. They also know they will possibly get poor. I think that after my husband lived in a tiny apartment, eating frozen foods, he realized his new life wasn't going to be that glamorous after all.

4) they panic when the OW threatens to leave or actually leaves. They reel us in with more promises of undying love or other manipulative tactics.

5) they don't want to be cornered or to hear the truth. Talking with a married man about the future has a lot of walking on eggshells. You never know if you will scare him away. My husbands OW did. She pushed so hard and wanted so much of his attention that it turned him off.

 

Anyway, so today I wrote an email to my ex, pretty much saying that I'm not sure what will happen between us, but that if we decide we don't want the same things, I will have to detach and let this die. I haven't heard back from him. I wonder if he will say other things to reel me in or if this will scare him enough to detach himself. I'm going to try and go NC for a while. It's hard, but I don't want to end up like a lot of you ladies, where you are stuck in love with a man that can't make up his mind. Life is so short. If the love is really real, they will fight for you too.

[Grapesofwrath]

Hi Tres: Welcome to the forum. Thank you for sharing your story. Your perspective is a unique one, and I appreciate your openness.

 

I agree that the words "love" and "soulmate" get tossed around a lot. In a situation like yours--LDEA--there is a lot of space and time that is open to interpretation. All A's are like this to some extent, but yours really lends itself. We humans have a tendency to project a lot of things into that space and time. Things that may not really be there. We fill in the blanks of the situation with what we want to see. it's like doing a dot-to-dot puzzle. Really, when you've done it, you're just left with a line going from dot to dot. But in our minds, we complete a picture with those lines and see something that may or may not really be there.

[E-Heart]

I've been reading some posts here and it has been a real wake up call.

 

A little about me: I've been married for a number of years. My husband cheated, so I was the wife and I can tell you a little bit about that.

 

Did my husband want to leave and fall in love with another woman? Yes

Did he file for a divorce? Yes

Do we have little kids, one of which was a newborn at the time? Yes

Did the other woman pressure him to leave? Yes

Did he actually move out? Yes

Did he follow through with it? No

 

Did I ever forgive him? No

Does he profess how sorry he is and that he loves me? Yes

Do I believe him? Nope

Will our marriage last? I'm not sure

 

Right in the middle of this mess, my ex, whom I never really got over, contacted me. We've kept contact off and on for years but I never let him know how I still thought about him, but decided it was time. We found out surprised how mutual and intense the feelings are. There's just one catch: we live in different states and he is also married.

 

We've had an emotional, online affair for a year now. He says he loves me so much it hurts and that he wouldn't be able to stand losing me again... He also says he can't leave his family...

 

I may move back to his state and we will finally see each other again. I had been thinking that his ambiguity about leaving his wife has to do with lack of contact face to face between him and I, but after reading some posts here, I have noticed some common lies and manipulations about the whole affair thing:

 

1) the word soulmate and love comes up a lot. If it's the real thing like they sua it is, why not take a chance?

2) the marriage is sexless and the wife is a bore. When I read my husbands emails, he vilified me in this way. The truth is that I always complained to my husband that our sex life was boring and he is a very difficult person. The person he painted me out to be to the OW is very different from who I am. We also had sex like bunnies. Our marriage is no sexless by any means. I highly doubt that my ex's sex life is as dull as he make it seem.

3) they can't leave because of the kids and that makes it seem like they are so noble. I think what they feel is guilt. They also know they will possibly get poor. I think that after my husband lived in a tiny apartment, eating frozen foods, he realized his new life wasn't going to be that glamorous after all.

4) they panic when the OW threatens to leave or actually leaves. They reel us in with more promises of undying love or other manipulative tactics.

5) they don't want to be cornered or to hear the truth. Talking with a married man about the future has a lot of walking on eggshells. You never know if you will scare him away. My husbands OW did. She pushed so hard and wanted so much of his attention that it turned him off.

 

Anyway, so today I wrote an email to my ex, pretty much saying that I'm not sure what will happen between us, but that if we decide we don't want the same things, I will have to detach and let this die. I haven't heard back from him. I wonder if he will say other things to reel me in or if this will scare him enough to detach himself. I'm going to try and go NC for a while. It's hard, but I don't want to end up like a lot of you ladies, where you are stuck in love with a man that can't make up his mind. Life is so short. If the love is really real, they will fight for you too.

 

I think that I'm the dumbest person I know! Why do I still believe everything he says about his awful sex life with his wife? And all the other crap.....

 

Why do I even think that he would be happy with me?

 

I'm so confused!

[Tresmilmilhas]

Grapes: what is LDEA

[Dela]

I think that I'm the dumbest person I know! Why do I still believe everything he says about his awful sex life with his wife? And all the other crap.....

 

Why do I even think that he would be happy with me?

 

I'm so confused!

 

 

Hi Heart.

 

Did ur MM say he s not having sex? i never believe that

 

I asked mine once (he never complained abt it) but i just asked to see what he says.

 

he said they do have sex but veeeery rare since there s a lot of tension between them.

 

i would never believe they r not having sex. i mean, cmon, u sleep together or even if u don t sleep together in the same bed ever night, u still do it even if u re just horny and need to do it. so the result is, no matter the reason, u re doing it.

[RightThere]

Grapes: what is LDEA

 

Long Distance Emotional Affair

[Dela]

Grapes: what is LDEA

 

 

Long Distance Emotional Affair

[Morro72]

Grapes: what is LDEA

Oops - someone beat me to it.

[RightThere]

i would never believe they r not having sex. i mean, cmon, u sleep together or even if u don t sleep together in the same bed ever night, u still do it even if u re just horny and need to do it. so the result is, no matter the reason, u re doing it.

 

It is part of the story to gain sympathy.

 

I can tell you as a BH, my STBXW was telling her other men our marriage was dead, hadn't had sex in years, I was mean to her.

 

When in reality, in 10 years the longest we went without having sex was 4 weeks. It just helped the OM to swoop into the rescue of this poor neglected wife.

[Tresmilmilhas]

DELA: my MM says he hasn't had sex in over a year and that his wife has no libido. I highly doubt this is true. Simply because he has such a high libido. He wouldn't put up with that.

 

My husband told the OW that I got pregnant with our second because I kept insisting to have sex, when in reality I told him I was ovulating and he said: but I want us to have another kid, pretty pleeeeease!

[Dela]

DELA: my MM says he hasn't had sex in over a year and that his wife has no libido. I highly doubt this is true. Simply because he has such a high libido. He wouldn't put up with that.

 

My husband told the OW that I got pregnant with our second because I kept insisting to have sex, when in reality I told him I was ovulating and he said: but I want us to have another kid, pretty pleeeeease!

 

 

))) so he came back after the affair. what ru planning to do next?

[Morro72]

...after reading some posts here, I have noticed some common lies and manipulations about the whole affair thing...

It is so rare and so gratifying to see someone learning from the experiences of others and not insisting on make the same colossal blunders for themselves as if their particular situation was unlike anything that had ever happened before.

[Tresmilmilhas]

Morro72: I was telling myself that. I told myself my story with him is different. Because he loved me for so long. He says he is obsessed with me. Wants only me, but is "stuck" in his "situation." Well, guess what, I'm also married with little kids, but if I felt that he could give me something more stable and real than my husband, I'd risk changing my "situation." I think the truth is a lot more clears than we choose to see.

[BetrayedH]

You're engaging in a fantasy. That's all it is.

 

Fix your marriage or leave it.

[Tresmilmilhas]

Dela: he came back 2 years ago. I took him back and initially it was really strange. Then we sort of got our friendship back and passion in bed back, but then my ex came along and I detached from my husband. Every time I feel like I'm letting my walls down with my husband, I get angry and reach out to my MM. You know how it goes, there's nothing better to massage our egos than a MM that is not being pressured to do anything.

[Josmatjes]

Great post!!!

[jwi71]

I've been reading some posts here and it has been a real wake up call.

 

A little about me: I've been married for a number of years. My husband cheated, so I was the wife and I can tell you a little bit about that.

 

Did my husband want to leave and fall in love with another woman? Yes

Did he file for a divorce? Yes

Do we have little kids, one of which was a newborn at the time? Yes

Did the other woman pressure him to leave? Yes

Did he actually move out? Yes

Did he follow through with it? No

 

Did I ever forgive him? No

Does he profess how sorry he is and that he loves me? Yes

Do I believe him? Nope

Will our marriage last? I'm not sure

 

Right in the middle of this mess, my ex, whom I never really got over, contacted me. We've kept contact off and on for years but I never let him know how I still thought about him, but decided it was time. We found out surprised how mutual and intense the feelings are. There's just one catch: we live in different states and he is also married.

 

We've had an emotional, online affair for a year now. He says he loves me so much it hurts and that he wouldn't be able to stand losing me again... He also says he can't leave his family...

 

I may move back to his state and we will finally see each other again. I had been thinking that his ambiguity about leaving his wife has to do with lack of contact face to face between him and I, but after reading some posts here, I have noticed some common lies and manipulations about the whole affair thing:

 

1) the word soulmate and love comes up a lot. If it's the real thing like they sua it is, why not take a chance?

2) the marriage is sexless and the wife is a bore. When I read my husbands emails, he vilified me in this way. The truth is that I always complained to my husband that our sex life was boring and he is a very difficult person. The person he painted me out to be to the OW is very different from who I am. We also had sex like bunnies. Our marriage is no sexless by any means. I highly doubt that my ex's sex life is as dull as he make it seem.

3) they can't leave because of the kids and that makes it seem like they are so noble. I think what they feel is guilt. They also know they will possibly get poor. I think that after my husband lived in a tiny apartment, eating frozen foods, he realized his new life wasn't going to be that glamorous after all.

4) they panic when the OW threatens to leave or actually leaves. They reel us in with more promises of undying love or other manipulative tactics.

5) they don't want to be cornered or to hear the truth. Talking with a married man about the future has a lot of walking on eggshells. You never know if you will scare him away. My husbands OW did. She pushed so hard and wanted so much of his attention that it turned him off.

 

Anyway, so today I wrote an email to my ex, pretty much saying that I'm not sure what will happen between us, but that if we decide we don't want the same things, I will have to detach and let this die. I haven't heard back from him. I wonder if he will say other things to reel me in or if this will scare him enough to detach himself. I'm going to try and go NC for a while. It's hard, but I don't want to end up like a lot of you ladies, where you are stuck in love with a man that can't make up his mind. Life is so short. If the love is really real, they will fight for you too.

 

What a mess.

 

Are you planning on salvaging M or not? I mean, either get busy with the D or get busy trying to R. So what's the plan on that front?

 

Or are you waiting to see "what happens" with MOM before you decide on your own M? We end up circular if you try that path.

 

Your choice is simple as will be your actions.

 

If you want your H, dump the OM, IC and MC for all and move forward with healing what is a shattered M. This will, in my view, require disclosure of your EA to your H.

 

Alternatively, you may pursue the MOM. Your best course of action would be to file for D tomorrow, send proof of such to MOM (to show how serious you are) and begin the process of ending your M and transitioning from A to "legitimate R". Alternatively, you could settle into the OW role while he (the MOM) "works on his exit".

 

So...which man, no life, do you want? The actions for either path are simple and readily identifiable.

[Tresmilmilhas]

Jwi: honestly, I'm not sure I want either. D is not easy as it seems and I may wait it out until we move and establish both of our jobs (we have to move for his job). The reason why I don't file now is because I refuse to put my little kids in an airplane by themselves if we were to end up in different states. I have expressed this to my H. It's not some evil plan to leave after we move. I actually told him I will give this a year.

[Sassy Girl]

Jwi: honestly, I'm not sure I want either. D is not easy as it seems and I may wait it out until we move and establish both of our jobs (we have to move for his job). The reason why I don't file now is because I refuse to put my little kids in an airplane by themselves if we were to end up in different states. I have expressed this to my H. It's not some evil plan to leave after we move. I actually told him I will give this a year.

 

Well if you're going to give it a year, then give it a year... But there's nothing to save if you're not going to be honest and accountable. You're cheating. That's not giving anything a year.

 

You can't work on a marriage by turning to someone outside it. This is all on you now.

[DKT3]

Jwi: honestly, I'm not sure I want either. D is not easy as it seems and I may wait it out until we move and establish both of our jobs (we have to move for his job). The reason why I don't file now is because I refuse to put my little kids in an airplane by themselves if we were to end up in different states. I have expressed this to my H. It's not some evil plan to leave after we move. I actually told him I will give this a year.

 

 

 

Ok so let's get honest, your no different then MM, you've done nothing but make excuses as to why you can't leave your own marriage. At this point him leaving his should not play a role in you leaving yours. The only person in this story that had the balls to chase "LOVE" is your husband and he did it twice.

 

Newsflash...he isn't going anywhere, secondly if you've been attached to this other guy your entire marriage how much do you blame yourself for your husbands affair?

[E-Heart]

Hi Heart.

 

Did ur MM say he s not having sex? i never believe that

 

I asked mine once (he never complained abt it) but i just asked to see what he says.

 

he said they do have sex but veeeery rare since there s a lot of tension between them.

 

i would never believe they r not having sex. i mean, cmon, u sleep together or even if u don t sleep together in the same bed ever night, u still do it even if u re just horny and need to do it. so the result is, no matter the reason, u re doing it.

 

No, they still have sex, but very rarely...and it's apparently awful! He says he can barely get turned on!

[Tresmilmilhas]

DKT3: I don't consider my husbands abandoning me with a 13 day old baby and a 2 year old where I dealt with a complicated pregnancy and a host of problems in the house by myself so he could run away to another country as "having balls to go after love."

 

I did not have an emotional affair before this. When my ex contacted me, I was very cold and short and even though I thought about him, he didn't know it and it didn't affect my marriage.

 

I think waiting to be in a stable financial situation and leaving in a location so my children won't suffer even more is pretty good excuse to wait it out. I had a six figure job before and left it to follow my husband.

 

Lastly, the MM never said he would leave his wife. Why would I rush to leave my marriage?

 

Flame away. I'm pretty sure it's very easy to judge when you're not walking in my shoes.

Edited August 5, 2015 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[Friskyone4u]

And what is the plan when your husband catches you in this little affair you plan on continuing until everything is peachy with the move and the one year is up?????

 

You state you do not want to wind up like a lot of the women here, but you sure are headed that way.

 

if you don't love your husband , divorce him, and sit and wait for your MM to not do a thing other than want to have sex with you when he can get away.

 

nothing in your post suggests any other ending,.

 

You know exactly what you should do, but you want to hedge your bets.

 

When you get caught, you may not have any choice.

[DKT3]

You were having a EA. Did your husband know you were communicating with your ex? You claim you were cold but you still maintained a relationship.

 

Your cheating and planning to rip your family apart to be with another man, you have no moral high ground, what your doing is every bit as horrible as what your husband did so put away the victim card.

 

Lastly, leaving your marriage should have nothing to do with what MM does.

Edited August 5, 2015 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[RightThere]

No, they still have sex, but very rarely...and it's apparently awful! He says he can barely get turned on!

 

You know that is a total crock, right?

 

Guys get turned on with a warm breeze or a cold beer.

 

He WANTS you to believe that his wife can't turn him on and you are the only one who can turn him on. It's part of the game. And I know you recognize that.