Short term affair - Cheater's perspective

[gvillebab]

I cheated on my husband with one of our neighbors. It was mostly through text messages but we did see each other a handful of times. We mostly just kissed and some fondling but we never had sex. My husband found out because his ex-girlfriend came over to our house and showed him the text messages. We have been married almost 10 years and we have two young children, 6 and 2 years old. By the time my husband had found out we had already stopped talking/texting. Of course my husband didn't believe that but I have been constantly reassuring him and telling him every detail of the time I spent with the guy.

Of course my husband is devasted and wonders what he did wrong. The guy was a complete loser and is 34 years old and lives at home with his parents and works at a grocery store. My husband is a great guy and wonderful father however we have had issues in the past with intimacey and feeling close to one another. I didn't feel like I was getting attention from him and that is what the other guy gave me. He made me feel good about myself and it was exciting.

My husband and I have had problems in the past with money issues and we have been in couples counseling for about 2 1/2 months prior to this happening.

I want to know what i can do to help my husband heal from this so we can move forward without destroying our family. My husband and I have been intimate with each other a lot since he found out and we have been communicating with each other which I see as a good thing. I know we have a long road ahead of us and I will need to earn back his trust but I want to know what you suggest to make it easier for him.

I don't want him to feel less of a man or down on himself because it truely was my problem that I was feeling like I needed attention outside our marriage. If I would have communciated this with him then he would of had a chance to do something.

I don't want to become a statistic and right now my husband is only concerned about our kids growing up in a home without their mom and dad - he has not been able to tell me if he wants to work things out, but it could be too soon.

I know this is rambling but I am at a loss and wish I could take away the hurt I have caused to him.

Any suggestions/thoughts/ideas that can help us move through this and make us a stronger couple.

Much appreciated.

[RightThere]

Keep honesty and communication going. I would also engage your husband so he can ask as many questions about the affair so he gets it out of his system.

 

Really talk will be cheap for a while with your husband. You'll need to prove with action.

 

Tell him how sorry you are. And tell him why you are sorry.

 

Good luck

[nightmare01]

Stay away from wanting to talk about marriage problems because your BH will relate those problems to your affair, and will blame himself for that. Remember marriage problems are 50% on each person in the relationship, buy your affair is 100% on you.

 

If your BH starts to blame himself it can act like a mental poison that's self inflicted. Assure him that the problems in your marriage are not related to your choice to cheat - THEN start really working on how it was ok for you to make the choice to be with this other guy.

[BetrayedH]

Read the thread pinned at the top of this forum, Things That Every WS Needs to Know. Get the book, How to Help My Spouse Heal From My Affair. Get the book, Not Just Friends.

 

As another poster mentioned (and as you've said yourself), avoid discussions about the state of the marriage prior to the affair. Good or bad, you were both in the same marriage and only one of you chose infidelity. Infidelity is a personal problem, not a marital one. Tackle marital issues separately or put them on the back burner altogether for a while. Seek individual counseling, rather than marriage counseling, unless your H really wants MC. Avoid blameshifting.

 

Be COMPLETELY honest, regardless of how painful you think it might be to your husband. He gets to have all of the information now so he can make an informed decision. And if you want his forgiveness, he needs to know exactly what he's forgiving.

 

Embrace transparency. Your life is an open book and you should be proactive about it as much as possible. Anticipate triggers and do as much as possible to prevent them.

 

When that's not possible, be a full partner in experiencing them. Offer heartfelt apologies.

 

Make him feel desirable.

 

Up your tolerance level for his emotions to be all over the place. He may 'hate' you one minute and want to have sex with you the next minute. Anger is one of the stages and it comes and goes. Don't tolerate abuse but understand that you are responsible for much of the anger.

 

Most of all, buckle in for the long haul. Conventional wisdom puts recovery at 2-5 years and it's not a linear process.

 

Good luck.

[gvillebab]

Thank you for all the suggestions - I have been seeing a therapist on my own. We have an appointment tomorrow with our couples therapist to discuss the recent affair. I am very nervous that I will be judged by the therapist, my husband knows all the details however I want to help him work through his feelings and help us start to move on.

The main issue is that we live next door to this person and we sometimes see them. My husband feels like our house is tainted even though we were never in the house. We had just moved over a year ago and this is our dream home that we both love so much. I feel like for him to get over everything we will have to move. I am currently looking into hiring landscapers to put a privacy shrubs/trees in order to block the view into the neighbor's yard. I know this is a temporary fix but I am grasping for straws trying to help the situation.

[aliveagain]

Be absolutely transparent, give him access to all your passwords, leave all your devices out so he can see them and access them anytime he wants. Write him a timeline of all the events that took place between you and other man, leave nothing untold regardless of how much it hurts because anything that is still secret between you and other man is a secret kept from your husband. Report to him your location and who you are with when you are out. Think about moving, your husband will never feel safe with other man still in the neighbourhood, specially when he is at work.

 

What you need to worry about is not what your husband thinks about your house, worry that your husband doesn't think that you are tainted.

[Mr. Lucky]

My husband found out because his ex-girlfriend came over to our house and showed him the text messages.

 

Why is your husband still in touch with an ex-GF and how does she end up with your text messages ??? Seems as though he also has boundary issues...

 

Mr. Lucky

[BetrayedH]

Thank you for all the suggestions - I have been seeing a therapist on my own. We have an appointment tomorrow with our couples therapist to discuss the recent affair. I am very nervous that I will be judged by the therapist, my husband knows all the details however I want to help him work through his feelings and help us start to move on.

The main issue is that we live next door to this person and we sometimes see them. My husband feels like our house is tainted even though we were never in the house. We had just moved over a year ago and this is our dream home that we both love so much. I feel like for him to get over everything we will have to move. I am currently looking into hiring landscapers to put a privacy shrubs/trees in order to block the view into the neighbor's yard. I know this is a temporary fix but I am grasping for straws trying to help the situation.

 

The neighbor and his house are likely to be a trigger for your husband indefinitely. I'm not sure how he would ever feel safe leaving you there. When I discovered my wife's affair, it was with her boss. Trying to be reasonable about her 20+ year career with her company, I gave her 90 days for one of them to transfer. He did eventually transfer right at about the 90-day mark. I can tell you that I LOST MY MIND at about 45 days. Every day while I was at work I just had visions of him bending her over the desk. It was torture. I ended up losing my job over the distraction. I realize it's your dream home. But one of you won't be in it if you divorce. It may literally get down to what is more important - the house or the marriage. Unfortunately, this is frequently one of the unforeseen consequences of an affair - that the wayward has to quit a job or move from town in order to remove the triggers. It also goes a long way toward showing your true remorse. Failing to do it accomplishes the opposite. I'd encourage you to strongly consider a move and that you're the one proactively making it happen.

 

As for the couple counselor, (this is meant gently) your best hope is that you get one that leaves the blame squarely where it belongs. Unfortunately, many marriage counselors consider the marriage to be the client and so they try to take a neutral position. That is disastrous. This inevitably puts the blame on the marriage or the betrayed spouse when it was only the choice of the wayward. Your H didn't get a vote. If too much emphasis is placed on your H trying to "meet your needs" then he is eventually going to get resentful. My gut says that the therapist may be direct at times but that it won't be anywhere near the lynching that you may fear. The best thing you can do is to fully own the poor choices and even to stop the therapist if they try to blameshift them anywhere else. I don't mean to sound judgemental; it's just a critical point. You had other ethical, logical, healthy and moral choices you could have made (to either fix the marriage or leave it) but you made a different choice instead. If you can own that, I think you'll find you'll br closer to the 2 years than the 5.

[BetrayedH]

Why is your husband still in touch with an ex-GF and how does she end up with your text messages ??? Seems as though he also has boundary issues...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

I guessed that it was the OM's ex-girlfriend that contacted the OP's BH.

[singer23]

How does he know that you never had sex? I don't believe that 2 adults well into their 30's just made out and fondled like teenagers. Do you have proof ?

 

 

People in your position always lie about not having sex. you probably are lying too. Your husband will eventually find out that you had sex with him, sooner or later.

 

 

The guy was a complete loser and is 34 years old and lives at home with his parents and works at a grocery store

 

 

What does that tell about you when you had an affair with him ? You knew about him, right ?

Edited July 27, 2015 by singer23

[gvillebab]

My husband is not in touch with his ex-girlfriend. The neighbors ex-girlfriend is the one who found the texts on his phone and went over to show them to my husband. I am sorry if that was confusion.

 

After hearing multiple comments from this board, I am coming to terms with the fact that if it will help our marriage to move to another house then that is what I have to do. I read over the thread - Things That Every WS Needs to Know and I sent it to my husband. My husband says that it describes everything he is feeling so I am at least glad we are being open about our feelings and able to communicate no matter how difficult of a process this will be.

[singer23]

My husband feels like our house is tainted even though we were never in the house.

 

How does he know you are telling him the truth ? So where did you make out? His house?

 

I think you are still lying out of your ass.

[gvillebab]

We never had sex because there was never an opportunity. When we did see each other it was late at night outside in between our houses or a few minutes while I was out running errands - we were never in a position to go through having sex - not to say if the opportunity had presented itself that I would have stopped it. In the text messages that my husband read - the guy said he didn't feel comfortable coming in our house out of respect for my husband. I know how ****ty all of this sounds. The whole situation is so f***ed up and it is embarrasing how I got myself in this mess.

The entire affair lasted about a week and a half with most of it taken place via text messages and we saw each other a total of 5 times for no more than 30 minutes at a time. That doesn't take away from the severity of the situation.

[nouedis]

I say tell him everything and anything it is you can.

Don't hold it all back in.

If you do, it'll cause nothing but tension.

You don't want that at all.

[Clay]

I agree with the others. You have to move. Every time he sees the neighbor he is going to get upset. One day he might just decide to act on it. I know if it was me my neighbor had better consider moving away too. There is no way in the world he would not know (understand) my pain. Sure its probably not the best way to go but some things are just sacred to me. I guess that is one of them.

 

C

[singer23]

We never had sex because there was never an opportunity. When we did see each other it was late at night outside in between our houses or a few minutes while I was out running errands - we were never in a position to go through having sex - not to say if the opportunity had presented itself that I would have stopped it. In the text messages that my husband read - the guy said he didn't feel comfortable coming in our house out of respect for my husband. I know how ****ty all of this sounds. The whole situation is so f***ed up and it is embarrasing how I got myself in this mess.

The entire affair lasted about a week and a half with most of it taken place via text messages and we saw each other a total of 5 times for no more than 30 minutes at a time. That doesn't take away from the severity of the situation.

 

 

Oral sex is still sex.. I find it very hard to believe you..

 

Hiding the truth for the "sake of marriage" will kill you and the marriage from the inside. You will not take it to the grave. We see stories when spouses confess after 20-30 years after the event.

[nouedis]

If he doesn't hurt you or himself in some way (be it verbal or physical) then he'll do it to someone else. It's what a man does in certain situations depending on it.

[BetrayedH]

If there's anything in the messages that would speak to the fact that you didn't yet have sex, share the messages with your H. Hell, share them with him anyway if you haven't already or if there's any that the ex-gf missed. It sounds like you're doing the best you can in this department but men generally have the hardest time getting over the physical aspects of affairs; for some reason we can almost dismiss the emotional components. Women typically have a harder time with their husband's having an emotional connection. But you probably instinctively know that full-on penetrative sex would be harder for your H to handle. And many waywards try to admit to what the betrayed spouse knows but not much else. It's damage control. And as other posters have suggested quite bluntly, it's hard to believe that two adults got physical but didn't have sex. 12-year olds may make-out, fondle, and hold hands. Adults screw each other. If you're holding back, don't. Rebuild from a place of honesty and respect. Many waywards end up trickling the truth. Don't. Rip the bandaid off. And if it's true that you didn't have sex, prove it if you can. Otherwise, do what you're doing and expect for him to have the same questions, rephrased, and asked time and time again as he wrestles with trying to believe you. In my view, it's the lies that do the most damage.

[gvillebab]

I do not have any of the text messages because I deleted them. He read all the texts in their entirety that were given to him by the ex-girlfriend. I have no reason to lie at this point but there was no oral sex or penetration. I don't see how it could be any worse so why wouldn't I just tell my husband? I think the reason nothing more happened is because the guy was fooling around with multiple chicks including me and also had a girlfriend. There were literally texts from 3 other girls that were identical to mine.

[DKT3]

I do not have any of the text messages because I deleted them. He read all the texts in their entirety that were given to him by the ex-girlfriend. I have no reason to lie at this point but there was no oral sex or penetration. I don't see how it could be any worse so why wouldn't I just tell my husband? I think the reason nothing more happened is because the guy was fooling around with multiple chicks including me and also had a girlfriend. There were literally texts from 3 other girls that were identical to mine.

 

 

Oh having sex with him would have made it sooo much worse for your husband, so there is plenty of reason to lie. In fact most WS lie their asses off about the full extent of the relationship, and if im being honest I'm not sure I'm buying your story. I mean next door and in that time you were involved you couldn't find 15 minutes to have sex?

[gvillebab]

Whether you believe me or not is not my concern. I am being honest with my husband and I wanted some advice and perspective on how to move forward with my marriage.

[Clay]

If you really want to help your husband heal leave him. He is never going to be able to trust you again. Just ask DTK is trying to tell you the value of your words are now meaningless. Your actions will be the only thing that has any value and they will be picked a part as well. If you stay your going to get asked the same questions over and over again until you have a answer that is acceptable. Its just best to be honest up front. I do agree with DTK. I think with the fact you live so close there is a serious possibly your lieing here just to cover your tracts in the even your husband ever reads this site. So in other words be completely honest. Another thing and this is really important. If your husband decides to go beat your OM up don't stop him. Do not try to stop him from doing anything. He will read this as a sign that your wanting to protect the OM and that means your loyal to him and not your husband.

 

You sadly have created a mess and if you really want to fix it your going to have to do alot of work. Staying home alone might be a thing of the past too. He will just think your over at the neighbors house.

 

Good Luck

 

C

[autumnnight]

Oral sex is still sex.. I find it very hard to believe you..

 

Hiding the truth for the "sake of marriage" will kill you and the marriage from the inside. You will not take it to the grave. We see stories when spouses confess after 20-30 years after the event.

 

This is in no way helpful. We either believe the posters and advise or we don't.

 

OP, please make sure that you tell your H the 100% truth about everything.

[gvillebab]

Thank you autumnnight

 

This is in no way helpful. We either believe the posters and advise or we don't.

 

OP, please make sure that you tell your H the 100% truth about everything.

[BetrayedH]

Whether you believe me or not is not my concern. I am being honest with my husband and I wanted some advice and perspective on how to move forward with my marriage.

 

This forum can be kinda rough on waywards. Hell, it was rough on me and I was just trying to reconcile with a wayward. The best advice I heard about this place is to take what works for you and leave the rest.

 

You certainly have nothing to prove to us here. But it might be wise to just take in the skepticism here and absorb that it's representative of how your husband likely feels. He's probably very skeptical that you didn't have sex. I think your story is plausible and I'll choose to take you at your word. It's easy for me to do; I've got nothing invested.

 

While I don't endorse posters punishing a wayward that comes here, it will happen if you stick around. But it might also be a valid exercise. What is said here is probably what your husband is thinking but trying not to say. This can be a good proving ground. And ultimately, you don't have to engage posters that have nothing of value to say.

 

Keep your chin up. I think you've made some wise decisions in a short period of time. It's tough work but when done properly, people do reconcile and have rewarding marriages after infidelity. Your openness and honesty with your husband will go a long way. Your willingness to move will also speak volumes. You're already in counseling; keep that up. Keep asking yourself 'why' you chose this coping mechanism instead of other healthier choices. If you can identify your personal 'why,' then you may be better able to identify what lends you to make those choices and avoid them. And, in turn, your H will feel less apt to suffer a reoccurrence.

 

I suspect your self-pride has taken a hit thru all of this. My biggest suggestion is to keep making decisions of which you can be proud. Others may hate when I say it but the reality is that we are all human and sometimes we make tragic mistakes. I think that's almost a constant. The mistakes don't need to define you. More critically, I think it's how you react to your mistakes that ultimately defines you. Keep consistently making decisions of which you can be proud and it is only a matter of time before your self-pride returns. Each decision will either lead you further into the rabbit hole or it'll be a step towards climbing out.

 

You CAN do this. The only other choice is to make it worse.