stupidcow Posted April 13, 2015 Share Posted April 13, 2015 Hi, I am not married but I am in a 15 year relationship with my partner and he have a 6 year old child. I have been having an affair for the past 2 years with someone I have fallen in love with (they are single) for the first 18 months they were very on and off with me seeing other woman I believe and playing hot and cold. The last 6 months things changed they declared there love for me and begged me to leave my partner. I realised although my relationship is not good I don't want to leave under the current circumstances - I want to end this affair to get clarity in my relationship and then look at the issues within that seperatley. I have tried ending things with AP but he makes me feel so guilty I always end up going back. I have ended it again tonight and am being bombarded with texts begging me to reconsider, saying he cant live without me. I am so weak and depressed I need advice and guidance. I feel like telling my partner so they can both leave me and I can be on my own but I cant do it to my child. My partner has severe anger issues and when he suspected an affair in the past was physically violent so admitting a 2 year affair will be met with god knows what. How do I respond to these begging messages from AP - If I continue seeing him to stop him feeling heartbroken my suicidal feelings will increase. I have cut myself in the past and feel like doing so now. I almost feel like telling my partner as I deserve to get beaten up. But I cannot do that to my son. I need help - If I had no child I would kill myself tonight. Link to post Share on other sites
SSM3 Posted April 13, 2015 Share Posted April 13, 2015 I don't know what to say to offer any help but what I can say is please think about things and please don't do something stupid. Do you have family or friends you can talk to? I would not tell your partner, no chance. Link to post Share on other sites
No Limit Posted April 13, 2015 Share Posted April 13, 2015 2 year affairs aren't "minor mistakes". Tell your BF about it, seperate and get into counseling. You owe it to yourself, and your child too. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author stupidcow Posted April 13, 2015 Author Share Posted April 13, 2015 I know he will be violent though if I tell him Link to post Share on other sites
SoulStorm Posted April 13, 2015 Share Posted April 13, 2015 I know he will be violent though if I tell him Then it would be wise to leave both men. No one deserves physical abuse and you are simply abusing yourself and the OM by being in an affair with him. He's having a mental breakdown and you are thinking about abusing yourself. It's not healthy all around and you need to get out of that environment. Do you have a relative you can stay with? This isn't a good environment at all for you or your child 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Matahari007 Posted April 13, 2015 Share Posted April 13, 2015 Can you go no contact with your AP? Block all avenues of communication. Once you do that you can focus on what you want to do with your child father. Its clear that you are not happy and perhaps you should see a therapist and decide if you want to continue with this relationship. You have to create your own happiness. No one will do that for you. If you don't love & care for yourself how will you be any good to that wonderful child of yours? What you have with your Ap is toxic and it doesn't serve you. I wish you well. Link to post Share on other sites
obtuseedge Posted April 13, 2015 Share Posted April 13, 2015 Go NC with your AP. Break things off with your long time bf, especially if he is physically abusive. Just leave the house, and stay with someone else, take your child. Maybe months down the line, you can get back in touch with your AP, but obviously you are not in a healthy relationship. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
sandylee1 Posted April 13, 2015 Share Posted April 13, 2015 Tell AP that for your safety, you have to call it off. Then tell your BF that your not happy in the relationship and you're breaking up with him. Think about the finances where child support is concerned and propose visitation /custody. Do you have a job? Can you support yourself and your son? If you think he'll become violent, just telling him about a break up. Do it in a public place. I'd suggest you look into where you and your son can stay. Pack some things and take there before you tell him. Due to his violent nature, I'd leave a minimum of 6 months1 year ideally before even reconnecting with your AP. If your current partner hears your with someone soon after you split, he'll suspect and start digging, which won't end well for you or your AP. Your partner is violent and a priority is to get away from him. You deserve true love, but having an affair when you have a violent partner is really dangerous. Too many of these scenarios end tragically. I'm concerned about your safety, so let that be what you focus on. Your son needs you. Don't harm yourself, I'm sure you have family and friends that you are very special to. Show your son how to be a decent, non violent man, unlike his father. Please be safe. You have everything to live for and you've seen what true love looks like. Btw. The police will be able to escort you back to your home to collect things, if you fear him being violent. Link to post Share on other sites
No Limit Posted April 13, 2015 Share Posted April 13, 2015 I know he will be violent though if I tell him And what would he do if he found out you are having an affair? Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted April 13, 2015 Share Posted April 13, 2015 I am not married but I am in a 15 year relationship with my partner and he have a 6 year old child. How does "he" have a 6-yr old if he's been with you for 15 yrs ??? Mr. Lucky Link to post Share on other sites
Author stupidcow Posted April 13, 2015 Author Share Posted April 13, 2015 was meant to say "we" have a 6 year old together. I know I am a terrible disgusting person Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted April 13, 2015 Share Posted April 13, 2015 (edited) I know he will be violent though if I tell him Then pack up your stuff when he's not home, stay with a family member or friend, then call him and tell him that you need to end your relationship, that you're not happy. Don't confess the affair and put your own life at risk. Though with that said, if you know he's a violent person, having (2) affairs behind his back probably wasn't a smart or safe move on your behalf. Has he ever hit you before? Beat you up? Since he is violent, maybe your child shouldn't be around him either. Just something to think about.. As for your affair partner, don't allow him to make you feel guilty. He is emotionally blackmailing you and manipulating you, so cut him off if need be, change your number, block him on all social media. Ask him to please respect your wishes to leave you alone and if he doesn't stop, tell him you will call the cops and put an RO on him. Edited April 13, 2015 by whichwayisup 3 Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted April 13, 2015 Share Posted April 13, 2015 was meant to say "we" have a 6 year old together. I know I am a terrible disgusting person No you're not. You've just made some bad choices in men that have put you in a potential dangerous situation. To stay with a violent man and have a child with him and then choose to have an affair has done more damage to you than you realize. Please reach out to family and friends to help you and also seek counseling so you can get strong again and be in control. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author stupidcow Posted April 13, 2015 Author Share Posted April 13, 2015 just wanted to add he is not regularly violent just when he found messages on my phone a few years ago off a man he punched me in the back so I expect he would do something similar or worse learning of this. He is an excellent dad and I feel that I deserved it. On the other hand there is nothing but friends between us anymore - but should I split a family up so I can be happy - It would devastate my son. My partner can be emotionally abusive - I feel this post makes no sense but this is the inside of my head. When hes awful I don't want to be anywhere near him. Then when he is being kind I think he is not too bad and I should make a go off it? Im a huge mess - I have a CBT appointment tomorrow - first one Link to post Share on other sites
Author stupidcow Posted April 13, 2015 Author Share Posted April 13, 2015 It breaks my heart hurting my AP - He doesn't believe I care he thinks I just want to move on I care so much for him how on earth do I stay strong when it hurts him so much. This is why I think I would be better off dead then I cant be here to hurt my AP, Partner or Son - I am the reason for all this hurt and pain I have never felt so low. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted April 13, 2015 Share Posted April 13, 2015 just wanted to add he is not regularly violent just when he found messages on my phone a few years ago off a man he punched me in the back so I expect he would do something similar or worse learning of this. He is an excellent dad and I feel that I deserved it. You didn't deserve it. No matter what you did, hitting or punching is NOT right. On the other hand there is nothing but friends between us anymore - but should I split a family up so I can be happy - It would devastate my son. Yes. You have joint custody with your (ex) boyfriend and become very good co parents to your child. You do family counseling to help him adjust. Staying for just his sake is pointless, especially since you've had 2 affairs it shows that your relationship is not based on love and respect. The alternative is, you stay, cheat again and teach your child negative ways of being in a relationship (how love is between you and his father, or shall I say the love that isn't there) just to keep your family intact? My partner can be emotionally abusive - I feel this post makes no sense but this is the inside of my head. When hes awful I don't want to be anywhere near him. Then when he is being kind I think he is not too bad and I should make a go off it? Im a huge mess - I have a CBT appointment tomorrow - first one CBT will help a lot. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
harrybrown Posted April 14, 2015 Share Posted April 14, 2015 So if your "partner had an A, would you want to know? have you been tested for stds? Your "AP" will cheat with someone in a relationship, and your "AP" will cheat on you. You do not know all about your "AP". Your AP is not near the person the your partner is right now. You have been cheating for this long and building a wall to protect your A. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
onemanband Posted April 14, 2015 Share Posted April 14, 2015 Have you ever spent any real time with your AP , seem your head is in the fog, Ask yourself do u love the father of your child because u seem more worried about AP then your BF,I think thing will change if you where with AP 24*7 When your BF finds out you will see how much pain it will put him through Link to post Share on other sites
sandylee1 Posted April 14, 2015 Share Posted April 14, 2015 Don't stay in an abusive relationship for anybody. You will end up with no self worth. You only get one life and you owe it to yourself to be happy. Stop the thoughtsof being dead. A mother's love is invaluable, do not blow that gift. Tell your BF he's a good dad, but the relationship isn't working for you. The sooner you get a planto move on, the better. End the affair. Make sure there's nothing he can find about it, or your life could be at risk. Ask your counsellor to help you with how to approach it. Link to post Share on other sites
onemanband Posted April 14, 2015 Share Posted April 14, 2015 How long has your relationship been bad? Link to post Share on other sites
loveboid Posted April 14, 2015 Share Posted April 14, 2015 When you have enough cash or cash flow leave them both in the middle of the night or day, whenever they're not around. Leave most of your stuff. Go where they cannot find or contact you. Get a therapist, lawyer, advocate, whatever to help you divorce. Link to post Share on other sites
Author stupidcow Posted April 19, 2015 Author Share Posted April 19, 2015 So just to update my bf found out about the affair tonight he smacked me round the face and im moving out tomorrow as he wishes. It's all over I am scared and relieved but what I have done to my child is unforgivable but now I can be lonely forever as my punishment x Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted April 19, 2015 Share Posted April 19, 2015 So just to update my bf found out about the affair tonight he smacked me round the face and im moving out tomorrow as he wishes. It's all over I am scared and relieved but what I have done to my child is unforgivable but now I can be lonely forever as my punishment x I hope you called the cops on him, he is angry but he had NO right to smack you. Please make sure you don't leave your child with him! You may be lonely for a little bit, but you have friends and family, you're not alone. It'll be okay... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
velvette Posted April 19, 2015 Share Posted April 19, 2015 Call the cops now even if you didn't earlier. Assaulting you as a response to infidelity is a crime. If the cops don't arrest him, ask them to stay while you get your things together and take your child to a family members house. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author stupidcow Posted April 19, 2015 Author Share Posted April 19, 2015 I haven't called the police I think I deserved it - i deserved more even than that Link to post Share on other sites
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