suckerpunch55 Posted July 30, 2014 Share Posted July 30, 2014 I posted here about 3 months back asking for help and advice after finding out about my wife's affair, some really helpful advice which I put to good use but I still have problems with the after effects of the affair. One of the last things my wife admitted to me was that the OM works at the same company as her, I demanded that she leave as soon as possible because I could not contemplate the pair of them being together in any way at all. She though point-blank refuses to do this as she loves her job and has many long time friends there (some of whom knew about the affair going on for 2 years I might add), am I being unreasonable about this? I just don't think it's right for my wife and this man to see each other every day as though nothing has gone on between them let alone the possibility of the affair commencing again. My wife assures me that that will never happen and has promised me faithfully that nothing untoward will happen. I am trying to trust her again and she says that I must trust her again for us to move forward in our marriage, I'm really not sure about this at all and hope someone in a similar situation has dealt with this problem before. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
TheBladeRunner Posted July 30, 2014 Share Posted July 30, 2014 Mine refused to leave the job where there was daily contact with the OM, I divorced her. YOU NEED to TRUST HER after SHE fu#$%d up? Please spare me. I got the same stuff and the way I see it is when it comes to a REAL "R", you're either all in, or all out! 5 Link to post Share on other sites
daisydook Posted July 30, 2014 Share Posted July 30, 2014 Nope. This is a whole song and dance. If she was serious about reconciling, she would be doing everything in her power to be helping you get over it. I am sorry to say, but she is not doing that. Flat out refusing? Humpf. This blows! Some of my best friends have been people I have met over the years working for different companies. Do I still work for those companies? No. Do I have to, to maintain a friendship? No. Her excuse is stupid. Just stupid. Perhaps she should read our responses once a few more of us chime in. Good luck, OP. I would be livid. Hugs and support, coming your way!!! 4 Link to post Share on other sites
jm2013 Posted July 30, 2014 Share Posted July 30, 2014 I posted here about 3 months back asking for help and advice after finding out about my wife's affair, some really helpful advice which I put to good use but I still have problems with the after effects of the affair. One of the last things my wife admitted to me was that the OM works at the same company as her, I demanded that she leave as soon as possible because I could not contemplate the pair of them being together in any way at all. She though point-blank refuses to do this as she loves her job and has many long time friends there (some of whom knew about the affair going on for 2 years I might add), am I being unreasonable about this? I just don't think it's right for my wife and this man to see each other every day as though nothing has gone on between them let alone the possibility of the affair commencing again. My wife assures me that that will never happen and has promised me faithfully that nothing untoward will happen. I am trying to trust her again and she says that I must trust her again for us to move forward in our marriage, I'm really not sure about this at all and hope someone in a similar situation has dealt with this problem before. Trust is earned. After an affair your wife should be looking for another job and being an open book to you re-assuring you she ONLY wants to be with you. You need to get her away from these toxic friends too. It is just one big toxic environment. I'm assuming you both aren't in MC. Take her to at least on MC and he'll flat out tell her what she needs to do if she's sincere and really wants your forgiveness. Sorry you're going through this. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
tom670 Posted July 30, 2014 Share Posted July 30, 2014 Did you ever let the other mans wife know about the affair? Yes she should be looking for another job. But you need another set of eyes on this. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Sub Posted July 30, 2014 Share Posted July 30, 2014 Her priority is either the marriage or the job in this case. She needs to pick one. It's a consequence of having an A with a co-worker, IMO. I feel like I know what her answer would be, but ask her if she would be ok if you were working with a woman you had an A with. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Clay Posted July 30, 2014 Share Posted July 30, 2014 I think you just going to have to ask yourself what your really willing to put up with. If she was sincere in saving the marriage this request would not be a problem. She is probably still engaging the OM and just keeping things quite for now. I know for me personally I allowed my xW to walk on me. Until you realize what you are really worth and what she is really worth you will continue to allow this behavior. I wouldn't be mean about it I would just tell her you have until five tonight to leave your job. If you go back that is your choice. Tomorrow I will make my choice based on your decision. I would tell her its not something your willing to negotiate on it. She cheated and she caused this problem. Its her problem now to deal with. I wish you the best in your decision. I really never recommend staying with a cheater. Your always going to be looking over your back for that knife. Its never worth it. Once your cheated on again you will only have yourself to blame. I found myself in this same position. Clay 2 Link to post Share on other sites
compulsivedancer Posted July 30, 2014 Share Posted July 30, 2014 It sounds like you don't even know who the OM is. If she won't even tell you that, you're never going to be able to trust her. You'll never know if she's in the middle of a meeting with her OM, etc. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
IfWishesWereHorses Posted July 30, 2014 Share Posted July 30, 2014 I can't imagine being comfortable with that! Also, these "friends" that knew of the affair are not friends of the marriage! Sounds like a very toxic environment for reconciliation! 8 Link to post Share on other sites
bubbaganoosh Posted July 31, 2014 Share Posted July 31, 2014 My wife assures me that that will never happen and has promised me faithfully that nothing untoward will happen. I am trying to trust her again and she says that I must trust her again for us to move forward in our marriage, And I would let her know that at one time you did trust her and she stabbed you in the back so what makes her think that your going to trust her again with the OM still working with her. Hammer time. Bring it down hard and let her know that she either proves to you that she wants the marriage to work by quitting her job and finding a new on or she can pack up and move out. If it was me and she told me flat out no about quitting her job, I would have said nothing. I would have found a good lawyer, filed and had her ass served at work in front of everyone and let the chips fall where they may. That's what you need to do. She still hasn't grasped the idea of how bad she screwed up and how bad it hurt you and still continues to do so. The woman needs a real serious eye opening wake up call and if you were smart, you would have her served at work and then she'll finally get the idea that she either makes some big time changes in her life or thing are going to get bad. I would also make sure that you secure own bank accounts, and get the credit cards in your name because she still has the notion that she can gloss over this with little or no consequences and if you let her, your goose is cooked. Link to post Share on other sites
No Limit Posted July 31, 2014 Share Posted July 31, 2014 OP, if I remember correctly your thread also described how she basically had no remorse at all. This is no reconciliation, you're being gas lighted. Divorce and run. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
HereNorThere Posted July 31, 2014 Share Posted July 31, 2014 She's self-absorbed and entitled, but let's face it, you've allowed this to continue. Either stay and live with a wife that has a boyfriend at work, or get your self respect and leave. She does not care enough about you to inconvenience herself. Btw, most workplaces have policies against this type of behavior. Have you even tried speaking with her superiors? 3 Link to post Share on other sites
harrybrown Posted July 31, 2014 Share Posted July 31, 2014 Have you exposed to the OM's wife and your wife's family? If she is not choosing you and the marriage, tell her to leave and go be with the OM. She is not remorseful if she still works with him. If you had the affair, would she be willing to let you work with your AP? Did she get tested for stds? 4 Link to post Share on other sites
tom670 Posted July 31, 2014 Share Posted July 31, 2014 Have you exposed to the OM's wife and your wife's family? If she is not choosing you and the marriage, tell her to leave and go be with the OM. She is not remorseful if she still works with him. If you had the affair, would she be willing to let you work with your AP? Did she get tested for stds? Would you please inform his wife good grief. Link to post Share on other sites
thummper Posted July 31, 2014 Share Posted July 31, 2014 Do you love this woman enough to put up with the disrespect she's showing you by continuing to have daily contact with the AP? From the little you said, it sounds as though she's almost waving the affair in your face and daring you to do anything about it. I rarely advise divorce, but I don't know how you can live with this in-your-face attitude on a daily basis. She's put the love of her job over love for you and the health of your marriage. Is she really worth it? You'll never have a moment's peace wondering what's going on between the two of them all day, every workday. Bail, brother, bail! There are some great and loyal women out there hungering for a good, faithful man. Get out there and find them and leave this cheating babe behind. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
jackslife Posted July 31, 2014 Share Posted July 31, 2014 Firstly forget your old life. You can't have that back. Your old life with your wife is finished. In that life, you were married (until dday) to a faithful wife. You can't go back to that, that is over and finished with. You need to decide what it is that you want. You also need to decide that if you can't have everything you want, then what is the very minimum you are prepared to accept and what would be a deal breaker for you. If in your new life you trust your WW knowing she will work with the old friends and the ex other man then accept it, if you are happy with her terms, then accept them and enjoy your new life. If however, you are not happy with that and are not prepared to accept it, if that is a deal breaker, if that is the line you are not prepared to cross. Then give her the choice. Her job or her marriage. If she chooses the job, then do the 180 (see related posts on here) and start your new, new life. Remember your old life is gone and won't come back. You are not married to the woman you thought you were married to. Do you want to be married to the woman she really is? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
daisydook Posted July 31, 2014 Share Posted July 31, 2014 Hope you're holding up okay today, OP. Still thinking about ya! Stay strong! Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted July 31, 2014 Share Posted July 31, 2014 I am trying to trust her again and she says that I must trust her again for us to move forward in our marriage, I'm really not sure about this at all and hope someone in a similar situation has dealt with this problem before. OP, you have to understand that the hardest part of rebuilding your relationship is yet to come. In theory, addressing her job situation should be quick and painless. If she won't do the simplest part, what chance do you have with the tough stuff ahead ??? I'd make it easy for her - in or out? The job or you? She leaves her position or you leave her? The good news is, finding out early, you might avoid a year or more wasted as she goes half-heatedly though the motions of reconciliation... Mr. Lucky 2 Link to post Share on other sites
TheBladeRunner Posted July 31, 2014 Share Posted July 31, 2014 I can't imagine being comfortable with that! Also, these "friends" that knew of the affair are not friends of the marriage! Sounds like a very toxic environment for reconciliation! So true! The "enablers" as I call them need to be 86'd (cut out) before any type of R can begin IMO......another thing the XWW refused to remove. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Bryanp Posted July 31, 2014 Share Posted July 31, 2014 She tells you that you need to trust her after she has been screwing a work colleague for 2 years behind your back and putting your health at risk for STD's?.....Oh please. It sounds like she would not even tell you who the OM is. She is playing you like a fiddle. If you stay with her then you need to shorten your name from sucker-punch to just sucker. If you do not respect yourself then who will? 4 Link to post Share on other sites
aliveagain Posted July 31, 2014 Share Posted July 31, 2014 If she won't tell you who O/M is walk because she is choosing to protect him over your hurt. She should be kissing your a$$ doing everything she can to make you feel safe that includes changing jobs and getting rid of people that facilitated her affair. I would be willing to bet she's still in her affair, her actions are not the actions of a remorseful spouse. If she isn't willing to make the changes that are the best for your marriage than you need to make the changes that are best for you. Keeping secrets from your spouse is just a continuation of her wayward thinking. She will continue to do to you what you allow her to. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
GoBlue Posted July 31, 2014 Share Posted July 31, 2014 Trust is built over time and it certainly does not get repaired within three months of the discovery of infidelity. The best advice that could be offered in trying to recover from an affair, especially one that lasted two years, is to involve a third party (either a counselor or a Pastor). A great tool to help in the healing process is a book titled Torn Asunder: Recovering from an Extramarital Affair written by Dave Carder and Duncan Jaenicke. This is a step-by-step aid in recovery and healing. The process takes time, however, even with great help and great tools. Your request for her to find new work does not sound unreasonable. The partner who does the betraying is the one who carries a great responsibility to prove themselves worthy of trust. A counselor would be very helpful in this circumstance. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
jackslife Posted August 1, 2014 Share Posted August 1, 2014 Just re-read this thread and have to agree with most of what has been said, but your circumstances really angered me, so had to have another post! You are cutting her too much slack and she is taking advantage of you! She cuckolded you in front of friends (did the husbands, boyfriends know as well and not tell you? Shame on them!), still sees them, still works with other man and blames you for not trusting her! You should give her the chance to leave the company. If she doesn't then quietly see a solicitor to plan your finances etc. Wait till she's away with friends (or OM more like) for a weekend, then change the locks and put her bags on the drive. Then serve her the divorce papers, citing her infidelity. That way you've given her a chance, but failing that you'll claw back some man pride and dump an unfaithful wife. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Author suckerpunch55 Posted August 1, 2014 Author Share Posted August 1, 2014 Thank you all for taking the time to reply to me, it is a great help to me because I do tend to keep things bottled up and not talk (one of my many faults apparently). Last night when my wife arrived home from work I gave her an ultimatum, find another job or else we separate because of a lack of trust. She of course say that I "didn't trust her" well damn right I don't trust her, yet, and it will be a long while until I give my trust so freely again. She has agreed to hand her notice in on Monday morning, there were a few tears but I held firm, now we will have to see how things progress. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author suckerpunch55 Posted August 1, 2014 Author Share Posted August 1, 2014 Yes thanks, trying to be strong and do the right things for all concerned. I appreciate your kind thoughts. Link to post Share on other sites
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