How to handle anniversary of DDay?

[compulsivedancer]

The anniversary of DDay is coming up. I asked H what he wants to do - does he want to pretend it isn't that day? Does he want to celebrate? etc.

 

He said that he would like me to leave and not be there the whole day (including spending the night elsewhere the night before and after), because symbolically I wasn't present in our marriage. So I am taking the day off work so I can go stay with a family member in another town.

 

And before you ask, he says he feels fairly confident that we'll make it at this point, so no, this is not an indicator that he's about to break up with me or anything like that.

 

For those who made it a full year (BS or WS), what did you do for the first anniversary of DDay? Did it help? What do you wish you had done? Any advice?

[veritas lux mea]

Do you think he is planning some "fun"?

[eleanorrigby]

We didn't do anything and have never acknowledged the day at all. Thank goodness.

 

I think what your husband is asking for you to do isn't a good idea.

If you do it once, it could become a yearly ritual. I'm all for giving the BS what they need to heal, but this one sounds dangerous.

[confusedandhurt2002]

If you are reconciling why would he ask you to leave?the pattern needs to be broken. TReat it like any other day and keep moving forward. That is the past and it's how I hope I look at mine when it comes up later this year.

 

The anniversary of DDay is coming up. I asked H what he wants to do - does he want to pretend it isn't that day? Does he want to celebrate? etc.

 

He said that he would like me to leave and not be there the whole day (including spending the night elsewhere the night before and after), because symbolically I wasn't present in our marriage. So I am taking the day off work so I can go stay with a family member in another town.

 

And before you ask, he says he feels fairly confident that we'll make it at this point, so no, this is not an indicator that he's about to break up with me or anything like that.

 

For those who made it a full year (BS or WS), what did you do for the first anniversary of DDay? Did it help? What do you wish you had done? Any advice?

[compulsivedancer]

Do you think he is planning some "fun"?

No.

(10 characters)

[compulsivedancer]

Let me start over. I will do what he asks. If at some point during the day he asks me to come home, I will.

 

I'm more interested in YOUR experiences.

[veritas lux mea]

Let me start over. I will do what he asks. If at some point during the day he asks me to come home, I will.

 

I'm more interested in YOUR experiences.

 

Okay, it just seems weird he wants you so symbolically gone. Like he is gonna screw some hot think on that day because that day a year ago he found out you screwed him.

 

I agree with others, sounds like making a bigger anniversary of it that could turn into a really unhealthy tradition.

[veritas lux mea]

Of course you gotta dance to his tune. But next year I think you'd be far enough out to make a new tradition.

[lilmisscantbewrong]

First dday was very hard - both of us were present however - in my opinion it isn't wise you are apart. You should make a new memory - just the two of you - something different that is in no way a reminder of what happened last year.

 

My big dday was around my birthday - makes it very hard every year for me - but it is getting better.

 

Far be it from me to tell others what they should do, but I'm not sure being apart is wise if you are attempting reconciliation.

[Sofie2013]

How do you feel about this? Are you ok with leaving for the day

[compulsivedancer]

How do you feel about this? Are you ok with leaving for the day

 

I was surprised and I was a little upset at his explanation, as it felt like he was being a little mean on purpose.

 

It's a day. Personally, I'd rather celebrate that we're still together a year later and things are starting to bind back together in our relationship. Or pretend that it was any other day (as if that was possible!). I hope that I'll go and he'll change his mind and ask me to come back. But if he doesn't, I'll make the most of it.

 

I wish it wasn't a weekday. I have no idea what to do all day, as most of my family and friends have day jobs. But it would be too challenging to spend two nights away from home and try to come back for work, so I figure it makes more sense to take the day off.

 

My dad is retired, so maybe he'll want to spend the day with me.

[Sofie2013]

I was surprised and I was a little upset at his explanation, as it felt like he was being a little mean on purpose.

 

It's a day. Personally, I'd rather celebrate that we're still together a year later and things are starting to bind back together in our relationship. Or pretend that it was any other day (as if that was possible!). I hope that I'll go and he'll change his mind and ask me to come back. But if he doesn't, I'll make the most of it.

 

I wish it wasn't a weekday. I have no idea what to do all day, as most of my family and friends have day jobs. But it would be too challenging to spend two nights away from home and try to come back for work, so I figure it makes more sense to take the day off.

 

My dad is retired, so maybe he'll want to spend the day with me.

 

Yeah I kind of figured all of this wasn’t easy for you either.

 

Your husband probably needs some time and space. We can only imagine what he is going I know you would rather be there with him but sometimes a little space can be a good thing.

 

I total think you should do something just for you. Maybe go to the spa and then dinner with your dad or whatever. Then when you do see your husband again have something planned for the both of you

[drifter777]

There was nothing about my d-day that was worthy of a second thought. I know it was in April but that's about it. If my wife asked me if I wanted to celebrate I think I would have knocked her teeth out. Seriously.

 

This ritual that your husband is planning for the "anniversary" sounds like it could be really bad for you. Your perception of how your reconciliation is proceeding is just that; your perception. Your husband may feel a lot differently then you do about your progress. But who knows? Maybe he's planning a wonderful surprise party for the two of you to mark the occasion.

[AlwaysGrowing]

I strongly suggest you do not recreate any of that day for him.

 

I have heard and seen the term "pain shopping" and this seems to be an example of it.

 

Show him the woman you are today. A woman that does not participate in unhealthy behaviours. Whether or not he says this is what he wants. You do not participate in it.

 

If he wants to leave. Then he leaves. You on the other hand are there.

[whichwayisup]

I was surprised and I was a little upset at his explanation, as it felt like he was being a little mean on purpose.

 

It's a day. Personally, I'd rather celebrate that we're still together a year later and things are starting to bind back together in our relationship. Or pretend that it was any other day (as if that was possible!). I hope that I'll go and he'll change his mind and ask me to come back. But if he doesn't, I'll make the most of it.

 

I wish it wasn't a weekday. I have no idea what to do all day, as most of my family and friends have day jobs. But it would be too challenging to spend two nights away from home and try to come back for work, so I figure it makes more sense to take the day off.

 

My dad is retired, so maybe he'll want to spend the day with me.

 

There is no good reason for him to shut you out like this. Red flag. I'm sorry but this day should be a day you two do something fun and bond, be blessed of all the hard work done to get your marriage back on track, for all the trust gained again. Talk to him and ask him just to hear you out.

 

He'd rather focus on bad and negative than the positive. I find that odd, like he doesn't want to let go, he wants to remember it all, relive it.

 

I also don't like that you say he was a bit mean about it. That's not a sign of progress, if anything this is a step backwards.

[whichwayisup]

There was nothing about my d-day that was worthy of a second thought. I know it was in April but that's about it. If my wife asked me if I wanted to celebrate I think I would have knocked her teeth out. Seriously.

 

This ritual that your husband is planning for the "anniversary" sounds like it could be really bad for you. Your perception of how your reconciliation is proceeding is just that; your perception. Your husband may feel a lot differently then you do about your progress. But who knows? Maybe he's planning a wonderful surprise party for the two of you to mark the occasion.

 

Doubtful. Leaving night before and after? This is excessive, way dramatic and unnecessary.

 

(including spending the night elsewhere the night before and after), because symbolically I wasn't present in our marriage.

[anne1707]

I really don't like the idea of what your husband has suggested CD and if mine had asked me to do that on the anniversary of dday, it would have felt like a slap in the face. To be honest I cannot really remember what we did but it would have been along the lines of just a normal day or maybe going out and doing something together. The whole point of this is that you are still together so you should make a point of being together on the day. You have come so far and it feels like he is pushing you away.

[Mickey_Fitzpatrick]

For those who made it a full year (BS or WS), what did you do for the first anniversary of DDay? Did it help? What do you wish you had done? Any advice?

 

My wife didn't bring it up and neither did I.

 

I am not good with remembering specific dates and never have been, so I never remembered, for example, the exact date my wife and I met, the exact date we had our first date, the exact date we got engaged, etc. I remember the "anniversary" dates of things more in the sense of "it was the Sunday before MLK day" last year rather than it was "January 18" last year. I try to remember the specific dates of birthdays and wedding anniversaries.

 

My wife is good with remembering specific dates, but I don't know if she did or not remember the anniversary date of d-day. If she did, she didn't bring it up or let on in any way.

 

D-day for me was on a Sunday, the next year, the first anniversary of it, was a Monday, so I went to work like any other Monday and then I coach my kids' basketball teams and there was a game that night. I didn't think about the anniversary too much. I wasn't that sure of the date itself and I remember it occurred to me once I got to work that it may have been that specific date from a year earlier and I had to look at a calendar from the year before to verify it was the actual date. I remember wondering then if my wife had remembered when waking up that morning or saying goodbye that morning - because I had not - that it had been exactly a year since d-day. My thought at the time was that she probably did remember, though I never did bring it up. The actual anniversary date of d-day itself was not and is not important to me. I didn't and don't feel any better or worse on that particular day.

 

I was trying to get over the affair as was my wife and I had no complaints about how she was acting, so the thought of her leaving on the anniversary of d-day did not occur to me at all. I had absolutely no desire for my wife to leave on that day or the day before or after, or any other day. Her leaving would have made me feel much, much worse. It also would have caused problems with the kids, work, school, activities, etc.

[Mickey_Fitzpatrick]

I was surprised and I was a little upset at his explanation, as it felt like he was being a little mean on purpose.

 

It's a day. Personally, I'd rather celebrate that we're still together a year later and things are starting to bind back together in our relationship. Or pretend that it was any other day (as if that was possible!). I hope that I'll go and he'll change his mind and ask me to come back. But if he doesn't, I'll make the most of it.

 

In defense of your husband, I remember how you said your d-day went down and some of the things you said to him on that day. I think a reaction like that upon being confronted would have been more painful to me than the affair itself and would make d-day a much more painful remembrance to me.

 

My advice would be to keep on trying for as long as you think it is worth it to keep trying. I also would advise that when words and actions conflict, pay attention to actions.

 

Consider writing him a short letter saying how sorry you are for the affair and for how d-day went down a year ago, putting it in an envelope with a note on it that he should open it tomorrow, and leaving it on his nightstand or the kitchen table or somewhere he will see it, or even just handing it to him before you leave the day before the d-day anniversary. Consider leaving multiple such very brief notes around the house where he is likely to find them, in the medicine cabinet in the bathroom, in his sock drawer, in the refrigerator, etc. Obviously this is an important and symbolic date for him and maybe that would help him.

Edited January 18, 2014 by Mickey_Fitzpatrick

[Mickey_Fitzpatrick]

I was surprised and I was a little upset at his explanation, as it felt like he was being a little mean on purpose.

 

Obviously he still is in a lot of pain. I think there may be a feeling - right or wrong - of him wanting to hurt you like you hurt him. It is a feeling I struggled with for a while and which gradually went away. I believe many of us have the same general feelings, but our situations and specifics are a little different and we heal at different rates.

 

It may help him a little if you express how hurt you are when you think of how much you hurt him during the affair and on d-day IN ADDITION TO and at the same time as you are letting him see you are surprised and a little upset at his being mean on purpose over it.

 

I don't agree with making you leave for a couple of nights, but you can't control him, only yourself.

Edited January 18, 2014 by Mickey_Fitzpatrick

[road]

Let me start over. I will do what he asks. If at some point during the day he asks me to come home, I will.

 

I'm more interested in YOUR experiences.

 

 

 

I have seen that nights apart in a marriage are to be avoided.

[road]

Of course you gotta dance to his tune. But next year I think you'd be far enough out to make a new tradition.

 

 

 

No she does not. He says jump off the Empire State Building?

[road]

I was surprised and I was a little upset at his explanation, as it felt like he was being a little mean on purpose.

 

 

So you expect your BH to celebrate the day he found out you were banging the OM. That logic then should have BH the OM come over to celebrate and reminisce.

 

 

It's a day. Personally, I'd rather celebrate that we're still together

 

 

That is what wedding anniversary's are for.

 

 

Or pretend that it was any other day (as if that was possible!).

 

 

It was possible until as Ralph Kramden said: your a blabber mouth. There was no reason to celebrate DD. Or even call attention to it. The best thing would of been to provide a diversion to keep the both of you from going there mentally.

 

 

I wish it wasn't a weekday. I have no idea what to do all day, as most of my family and friends have day jobs. But it would be too challenging to spend two nights away from home and try to come back for work, so I figure it makes more sense to take the day off.

 

 

No it makes more sense to tell your BH that the old you spent nights away to be with the OM. The new you will no longer have no more OM or even spend nights away. BH tells you to jump out the window you are to refuse even if it from the basement window.

 

 

My dad is retired, so maybe he'll want to spend the day with me.

 

 

Why punish your dad (do not get your underwear in a knot, only joking about your dad) ?

[road]

I strongly suggest you do not recreate any of that day for him.

 

I have heard and seen the term "pain shopping" and this seems to be an example of it.

 

Show him the woman you are today. A woman that does not participate in unhealthy behaviours. Whether or not he says this is what he wants. You do not participate in it.

 

If he wants to leave. Then he leaves. You on the other hand are there.

 

 

 

 

 

Yes, what this bee-itch say's.

[road]

My wife didn't bring it up and neither did I.

 

I am not good with remembering specific dates and never have been, so I never remembered, for example, the exact date my wife and I met, the exact date we had our first date, the exact date we got engaged, etc. I remember the "anniversary" dates of things more in the sense of "it was the Sunday before MLK day" last year rather than it was "January 18" last year. I try to remember the specific dates of birthdays and wedding anniversaries.

 

My wife is good with remembering specific dates, but I don't know if she did or not remember the anniversary date of d-day. If she did, she didn't bring it up or let on in any way.

 

D-day for me was on a Sunday, the next year, the first anniversary of it, was a Monday, so I went to work like any other Monday and then I coach my kids' basketball teams and there was a game that night. I didn't think about the anniversary too much. I wasn't that sure of the date itself and I remember it occurred to me once I got to work that it may have been that specific date from a year earlier and I had to look at a calendar from the year before to verify it was the actual date. I remember wondering then if my wife had remembered when waking up that morning or saying goodbye that morning - because I had not - that it had been exactly a year since d-day. My thought at the time was that she probably did remember, though I never did bring it up. The actual anniversary date of d-day itself was not and is not important to me. I didn't and don't feel any better or worse on that particular day.

 

I was trying to get over the affair as was my wife and I had no complaints about how she was acting, so the thought of her leaving on the anniversary of d-day did not occur to me at all. I had absolutely no desire for my wife to leave on that day or the day before or after, or any other day. Her leaving would have made me feel much, much worse. It also would have caused problems with the kids, work, school, activities, etc.

 

 

Oh yes, what this bass tard say's. ROTFALMAO