Delicate situation

[DraytonSawyer]

Hi all,

I've got a dilemma that is tearing me up inside and I really need some opinions of what to do. Here is the story: (I'll try to condense as much as possible)

 

My wife and I have been married several years and have a 1.5 year old. We are going through a rough patch in our marriage. Arguments, not communicating well, etc. She has refused me sex for quite a while, and says that it's her problem, she just doesn't have any desire. She also suggested counseling, which I agreed to, but she never made the appointment so it hasn't happened yet. I guess I never realized how urgent the situation was until I came home form work one evening and she told me she was staying at a friend's for the evening. I freaked out and told her I would make an appointment for counseling the next day, which I did.

 

So here's where the dilemma comes in. That night she came home from her friend's house around 3 AM. I heard her in our computer room typing so I got up to go talk to her. When I went in to the room, she was typing a long message to somebody on facebook, and when she realized I was there she got startled and closed it right away. I didn't say anything at the time but I thought that was strange. I'm not proud of it, but I had to know what was going on so I looked at the message. She had sent a message to a co-worker asking if he wanted to "have some fun". But here's the thing: he said no, he wasn't interested.

 

This knowledge drove me crazy for a week but I never said anything until yesterday I just had to. I didn't want to tell her I looked at the message, so I just asked if there was somebody else and she said no.

So I thought that was the end of it, but being the idiot that I am, I checked our cell phone bill and saw that her and this guy were texting each other all night while I was sleeping and all day while I was at work. This went on for a week and ended abruptly when he told her he wasn't interested. But I just noticed that there were a couple more messages sent today.

 

So here is my dilemma: I love my wife, and I want to stay married to her. Tomorrow is our first appointment for marriage counseling. However, I am not sure I can take the torment of knowing this and not being able to talk to her about it. One one hand, if I do decide to talk to her about it, I fear that she will be angry that I read the message and looked at the phone bills. I don't know if our relationship can survive that, it could create a lot of mistrust. On the other hand, if I keep it bottled away I fear it will tear me apart. I already have issues with anxiety and this is making things almost unbearable for me. The thing is, I really do believe her that there is nobody else, but I just don't know if I can keep this to myself.

 

So, if anybody can offer some advice or maybe some similar experiences that they have had, I would greatly appreciate it.

[Oceanblue47]

Your wife refuses to have sex with you and says she has no desire for you I believe she may say something like " I love you but i am not in love with you"

 

your wife closed the facebook down because she did not want you to see the message = deceit

you state that she texted the other worker all night whilst you slept and again the whole week? = betrayal

And now she has started to message him again

 

Sounds to me like she is chasing an affair

 

Sorry if i sound a bit direct, but its not looking good

[Kidd]

If nothing else, she is attempting to cheat on you.

 

Are you ok with this? Why do you feel guilty about confronting her on this? Stand up and respect yourself or she will never respect you. If she doesn't respect you, she won't love you. If she doesn't love you, why would you want to stay with her.

 

A strong approach will surprise her and keep her interested in you. Confront her directly. Give her conditions to meet to avoid immediate divorce. You'll soon know the answer about whether or not you can salvage the marriage.

[DraytonSawyer]

The guilt comes from the method I obtained the information. If I tell her about it, she will forever think I'm always checking up on her. Despite her attempt at cheating I still want to make the marriage work and I'm hoping we can. I guess I'm going to have to tell her at some point though, I don't think I can take the anxiety it's causing me.

 

I appreciate the responses so far, keep them coming please. Any women that can offer some insight?

[jnj express]

What you need to find out is what happened at the friends house till 3 A M---do not be surprised if she went to bed with someone----otherwise, why go out till 3 a m

 

Your wife already disrepsects you, so whatever you do, is not gonna matter----yes she will probably be mad at you---but that is just her demonizing you to asuage her guilt, and justify what she is doing.

 

Actually once you took wedding vows, any expectation of privacy went out the window---If she wanted privacy she should have stayed single

 

She is having or attempting to have an EA, but with her going out till 3 a m I fear something physical did happen---The other guy, may have cut her off cuz he may have gotten caught on his end, by whoever he lives with

 

Do not be scared to collect info, and when you are satisfied confront----stay here and post, as much info as you can day by day, you will get excellent advice in return of how to handle your situation-----actually the advice you get here, will be as good or better than your average counselor---cuz everyone here has lived what you are going thru now, and believe me, when I tell you they speak from experience.

[DraytonSawyer]

I feel like I have enough to confront her now. I have the message she sent and the phone records. It doesn't prove an affair but it does prove the attempt. Given that our first counseling appointment is tomorrow, I think it may have to be done before then if I can somehow manage to be brave and just say it. I just hope she still agrees to go afterward.

 

I know I'm being a total wuss. Is it strange that I still hope to save the relationship? I really do love her so much and I don't want our child to grow up with us separated. I also feel like there is a lot of stress on us right now and I'm hoping it just caused a lapse of judgement on her part.

[DraytonSawyer]

I'm trying to come up with the best plan to confront her, could use some help. I have 100% sure proof that she has at least had an emotional affair and chased a physical affair. But the question is how can I confront her without tipping off what I know? If she continues to deny and deny, at what point do I whip out the paper with the message she wrote to OM and show it to her? When do I reveal that our cell records indicate she has been texting with him late in to the night and while I am at work?

 

As far as my ultimatum, this is what I'm thinking: after it becomes apparent to her that I am not fooling around, I tell her that all contact must stop. Defriend on facebook, erase the phone number, no contact. I don't want to bring out the D word but I also don't want to seem like a pushover. What can I say to make her realize that this is serious without coming off like I'll do whatever to save our relationship. I want to see if she is remorseful and genuinely wants to try to save it.

 

I'm also considering contacting OM myself because to be honest, from his response to her message I think he might be a good guy. But I still have to let him know that he is to cease communicating with my wife.

 

Keep in mind that my ultimate goal is to get her to go to therapy with me and save our marriage. Some may think I'm being naive but I don't think it has escalated to the physical level yet, so I am still hopeful that we can work things out.

[Bryanp]

If the roles were reversed do you think that your wife would be so fearful to confront you as you are to confront her? No consequences to her actions equals no motivation to change. Good luck.

[turnera]

The guilt comes from the method I obtained the information. If I tell her about it, she will forever think I'm always checking up on her.

So what?

 

SHE IS CHEATING ON YOU.

 

You have a duty to protect your marriage and your family from an interloper. And in this case, the interloper is your wife's wayward mind. Get the book Surviving An Affair and read it TODAY! And yes, let her see you reading it.

 

You will learn that you have one chance ONLY to keep your marriage intact, and that includes confronting her calmly and lovingly and being adamant that you will NOT remain married to her if she continues this.

 

PERIOD.

 

Please trust me; I've been advising betrayed spouses for nearly a decade, and the story is always the same, and the outcome is always the same - either you step in NOW and be firm that it ends completely or you're out, or she ends up leaving you anyway.

[turnera]

Marriage counseling is a waste of money as long as she is pursuing another man. He is her crack. She will do anything, including lying in counseling, to keep getting her fix of him. Getting rid of OM is your #1 goal right now.

 

Now that you have proof (and I hope you printed out the emails), who cares if she knows how you got it? You are at the point where she either gets on board and willingly gives you access to her phone and computer as proof that it's over, or you file separation on her. There IS no other solution here.

[RepairMinded]

Get a DNA test for the child.

[jnj express]

If you have a counseling session set up, maybe go to it before you confront-----maybe the counselor will get info out of her---no matter what do not allow yourself to get bullied or blamed for things that are not your fault

 

when you do confront---don't give up any sources of info---be icy calm, no arguing, no yelling, no cussing----say what you have to say, and walk away------do not let her argue with you, or discuss what you said---unless you need questions answered----lay out your boundaries, give her consequences, and let her know you will stand for no more contact with OTHER MEN whatsoever

[DraytonSawyer]

Today is the day. I am debating whether to do it on the way to therapy (in the car, so she can't storm away) or after. I hope she will open up, but my gut tells me I could prod and prod all day and she wouldn't admit it, so I think I'm going to have to show her the proof. I know she texted him last night too, so I'm hoping to get a peek at her phone if she hasn't erased the messages already (I would guess that she has.)

 

If she opens up and meets my demands, I will suggest we both read Surviving An Affair. And of course, continue with counseling.

 

I appreciate all the advice, please do keep it coming. I'll try to post later and update how it went down.

 

Also, one more question - is it OK to contact the other guy just to let him know to back off? I'll tell him in the most cordial way possible, of course

[Tech_E]

DO NOT CONFRONT in therapy! DO NOT. Just my opinion.

 

Also when you confront (and yes you MUST confront) do so with BOTH a plan and evidence. Gather all the evidence you need to (GPS tracker, tracking software on her phone etc) first. Also determine BEFORE you confront what you are going to do, if she:

 

1. Admits to the affair (which I can almost guarantee she will not).

2. Lies and admits nothing (most likely).

3. Declares how dare you voilate her privacy (this is the most likely outcome).

 

As for contacting the OM, you have every right to do so. Be aware that if she is actively pursuing the affair this will likely send your wife off in a tizzy.

 

Good luck, make no mistake about it this is ALREADY an affair. It is not a delicate situation as you put it. Time to stand up and FIGHT if you want to for your marriage. Strap in my friend, it's about to get bumpy.

[rafallus]

The guilt comes from the method I obtained the information. If I tell her about it, she will forever think I'm always checking up on her.

 

Hence, don't tell her how you know. She didn't tell you about the affair, you have no obligation to tell her, how you know either.

[GorillaTheater]

I wouldn't worry about contacting the other guy; he's not your problem, your wife is.

 

I kind of like the idea of confronting her during counselling. Stay very cool and calm, and ask her whether she's tried to hook up with this guy. She'll deny it. Show her your proof. She'll probably still deny it. Then calmly say that MC and your marriage are pointless if she's pursuing other men and lying to you and walk out. The counsellor is a bit of a wild card, but it'll be interesting to see what they do. Regardless, stick to your guns, and don't explain or apologize or defend.

 

I know you want to save your marriage, so here's my advice: you have to be totally ready and willing to walk away from your marriage if you want to save it. Have the strength and honor to do the right thing. If your wife wants to join you, great. If not, great. You can handle it either way.

[DraytonSawyer]

I hope I can find the strength to walk away, if she does not agree to end it. It makes so much sense and yet I wonder how I can just walk away from the woman I've loved for so long. You guys are really helping me find my strength though.

 

Also I don't mean to confront her AT therapy. I was thinking in the car on the way there - that way we can talk about it in our session. But I don't want her to freak out and refuse to go either. It's so tricky...

[silktricks]

The guilt comes from the method I obtained the information. If I tell her about it, she will forever think I'm always checking up on her. Despite her attempt at cheating I still want to make the marriage work and I'm hoping we can. I guess I'm going to have to tell her at some point though, I don't think I can take the anxiety it's causing me.

 

I appreciate the responses so far, keep them coming please. Any women that can offer some insight?

 

OK. I haven't read this whole thread, I just got this far.... but let me get this straight... your wife is apparently at least flirting with other guys and possibly wanting to have an affair, and you're concerned that she'll be upset about the method you used to get information. Is that accurate???

 

I don't get this. She's deceiving you. She deserves to be checked up on. Will she be angry? Oh yeah, she'll be angry. So what? She'll be angry she got caught. She'll be angry that you don't believe every word that comes out of her mouth. She'll be angry about all kinds of things - but in reality all of it comes down to the fact that she'll be trying to make it seem like you did something bad - when in reality it was her. You were trying to understand what was going on in your own house, with your own wife that was and is affecting your own life.

[Kidd]

Just start into it at the beginning of your session. She doesn't need a preview and you might appreciate a moderator.

[silktricks]

I hope I can find the strength to walk away, if she does not agree to end it. It makes so much sense and yet I wonder how I can just walk away from the woman I've loved for so long. You guys are really helping me find my strength though.

 

Also I don't mean to confront her AT therapy. I was thinking in the car on the way there - that way we can talk about it in our session. But I don't want her to freak out and refuse to go either. It's so tricky...

 

I personally think it's better to do it AT therapy. Having the counselor there would be a VERY good thing.

[Kidd]

And yeah, quit worrying about your snooping. I put a GPS in my wife's car. I felt horrible at first. Until I discovered what she was doing. The GPS hasn't come up since. You're too eager to reconcile before you've even gotten started. And that says something coming from me.

[Chi townD]

Chances are that the Conselor will want to talk with you individually at first. (some do, some don't) If you want, you might want to bring it up at that time and see how he or she suggest that you approach this.

[DraytonSawyer]

I decided to ask the counselor what she thought, have a call in, waiting for return call.

[analystfromhell]

I've gone to two sessions thus far with my wife and similar circumstances (texting, out late, etc). The counselor has not yet confronted my wife nor setup a situation where I was encouraged to confront her either. MO seems to be exploration of root causes whatever they may be rather than the affair which I'm guessing she sees as an effect not the cause of our martial issues. Just be prepared in case the MC doesn't want to go there or think it's productive. The MC seems to "attack" as it were the stronger of the two partners and the one who seems most committed to the partnership rather than whomever has perpetrated the affair. I'm not upset about this thus far and am giving it time but be prepared in case your MC does the same. It's much less immediate satisfaction than you might expect.

[turnera]

I personally think it's better to do it AT therapy. Having the counselor there would be a VERY good thing.

I agree. Just go in and say 'my wife is texting another man and is sending him emails, and the content of such emails is this: ABC. I love her, I want her, but I won't share her with another man. So this counseling is pointless as long as she is committing part of herself to him.'

 

Then just sit back and see what happens.

 

Just remember that cheaters will ALWAYS focus on 'how you know.'

 

Don't let her drag you down there. It matters not one bit how you know.

 

The ONLY thing that matters is that she is unfaithful.