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Crying over my ex.... why?


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Old 15th November 2017, 3:35 PM   #16
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It isn't your business what your wife is doing with other men. Sorry that you are not ready for her to move on. I imagine she wasn't ready to deal with your moving on with your affair partner either. You've made you choice now live with it and do not toy with your wife anymore because of your selfishness. She deserves to finally be happy including great sex. So leave her alone and mind your business with your gf. I don't know why you are so worried about whether your gf will be faithful or not. You weren't faithful to your wife and yes Karma is a bitch.
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Old 15th November 2017, 4:32 PM   #17
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I'm sorry you are experiencing this. Marriage is a 'death till you part' commitment; a 100% - 100% giving relationship; a body/soul/spirit relationship. You are experiencing the guilt that came with your affair. Have you spoken with a counselor, pastor or minister that can offer you wise and long-term, effective advise? I'll pray and stand with you both that your marriage can still work and both of you can be at peace and walk in forgiveness.
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Old 15th November 2017, 4:54 PM   #18
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I think it's just hard to lose a life partner, even if it was your own doing and you don't really regret it. It's especially hard when they seem to be improving themselves and doing the things that you wished they had done when you were together.

I can relate to this. I had an affair, we got divorced, I've apologized a gazillion times to my ex and we left things in a pretty decent way - he was very gracious and I"m grateful for that. I'm still in a really happy relationship now with the OM now almost 2 years after D-Day. But I still miss my ex sometimes - he was my best friend for 15 years, and he's such a great guy. But like your ex (it sounds like), a tough person to be married to. I also have a lot of guilt still. All this just takes time. And counseling is useful too.

Try to do whatever you can NOT to be selfish. Your ex probably needs space from you. Just leave her alone, even though you don't want to lose her friendship. Do it because you should do everything possible to make her situation better, after the shlt you put her through. That's been my approach, at least.

As for not trusting your AP.... well, yeah. She had a relationship with a married man. You're not exactly trust-worthy yourself. All you guys can do is just try to communicate openly and honestly, and see if you can trust each other.

Last edited by Birdies; 15th November 2017 at 5:04 PM..
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Old 15th November 2017, 5:22 PM   #19
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This woman you had the affair with, was she also cheating on someone by being with you? Maybe that's why you don't know if she's trustworthy? How does she feel about trusting you?
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Old 15th November 2017, 5:30 PM   #20
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This woman you had the affair with, was she also cheating on someone by being with you?
Maybe that's why you don't know if she's trustworthy?
She is only 24.
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Old 15th November 2017, 5:44 PM   #21
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She is only 24.
I know, but she still could be a cheater.
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Old 15th November 2017, 5:58 PM   #22
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I know, but she still could be a cheater.
I did not post that to suggest she was an "innocent".
I think the OP is correct to not trust her, not necessarily that she will cheat she may do, she may not, but I guess she will soon get fed up and go on to other things. They are always "so mature" until they aren't...
Seems to me that in big age gap relationships it is the older man that gets hurt, whilst the woman in her early twenties just moves on.

Of course this may just be a fun, "filler", exit affair type relationship for the OP anyway so no real harm done.
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Old 15th November 2017, 8:05 PM   #23
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Well once your wife has a new guy she will no longer be plan b for you. Sounds like you kind of liked knowing that she wanted you back, in case your gf doesn't work out.

Also, your gf slept with a married man, so that tells you something about her.

You are now talking about a future with a 24 year old that sleeps with married men and you've known 10 months, and are also realizing that the back up will soon be gone.

You have to square these things.
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Old 15th November 2017, 8:50 PM   #24
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I don't believe that you love your girlfriend. You're just using her as an emotional life raft so that you don't have to grieve the loss of your marriage. It makes sense that you have doubts about her loyalty because she slept with a married man. Loyal and trustworthy folks do not sleep with marrieds.

You're crying over your ex because you feel guilty about cheating on her and the fact that she is dating means that your marriage is truly over. She's not trying to get you back anymore.

W2D, I notice an astonishing level of emotional immaturity in your posts. You're in your 40s but some of your behavior is more suited to a man in his 20s. Cheating because you didn't have the cojones to end your marriage in an honorable way, allowing your ex to take you for a ride during the marriage and using this young woman to feel better are juvenile decisions. It sounds like you are having a midlife crisis and your divorce may have brought this on.

Please consider ending your "relationship" with your AP. She deserves to be with someone who can love her completely. You cannot do that until you have grieved your marriage and seen a counselor for a while. Your difficulties in making emotionally sound decisions will lead you into a rebound marriage and those rarely end well. You should NOT be discussing the future with another woman when the ink isn't even dry on your divorce papers.
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Old 16th November 2017, 8:44 AM   #25
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You posted in the marriage forum instead of divorce and separation. You call her your wife and you call her your ex. Make it one or the other. It sounds like you still aren't decided or committed to knowing what (not who) you want and just as importantly, why. Spend some more time in counseling.
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Old 16th November 2017, 7:13 PM   #26
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The reasons...

She's no longer pining for you.

You wonder why she's up for sex with this guy and wasn't with you. It's a hit to your ego.

Even if he isn't better looking..he's likely got a good body as a security guard and can provide or fill a physical need for her....even if it's just short term.

You realise she's removing herself as an option.

You fear the 24 year old may not be suitable or compatible in the long term

Good old jealousy.
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Old 16th November 2017, 8:00 PM   #27
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The reasons...

She's no longer pining for you.

You wonder why she's up for sex with this guy and wasn't with you. It's a hit to your ego.

Even if he isn't better looking..he's likely got a good body as a security guard and can provide or fill a physical need for her....even if it's just short term.

You realise she's removing herself as an option.

You fear the 24 year old may not be suitable or compatible in the long term

Good old jealousy.
Not sure about the body, but the rest is spot on!
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Old 18th November 2017, 10:46 AM   #28
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Originally Posted by sandylee1 View Post
The reasons...

She's no longer pining for you.

You wonder why she's up for sex with this guy and wasn't with you. It's a hit to your ego.

Even if he isn't better looking..he's likely got a good body as a security guard and can provide or fill a physical need for her....even if it's just short term.

You realise she's removing herself as an option.

You fear the 24 year old may not be suitable or compatible in the long term

Good old jealousy.
Sometimes body and looks have nothing to do with how well a man can perform sexually. The absolute best sex I've ever had in my life was with a man who was severely overweight. I was never into overweight guys but after sex with him I was like a heroin addict. It took me forever to get over that guy.
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Old 18th November 2017, 1:55 PM   #29
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Sometimes body and looks have nothing to do with how well a man can perform sexually. The absolute best sex I've ever had in my life was with a man who was severely overweight. I was never into overweight guys but after sex with him I was like a heroin addict. It took me forever to get over that guy.
By good body, I didn't necessarily mean he wasn't big. Security guards are usually pretty big guys .... and I've had great sex with a big guy myself. He was brilliant every time.

It feels nice and made me feel well protected with a big guy too. That rugged attraction is a good feeling.
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Old 18th November 2017, 2:13 PM   #30
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You said in passing she was ill when you cheated on your wife. What kind of ill?
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