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Marriage in free fall (very long)


Marriage & Life Partnerships Debunking the old-ball-and-chain stereotype one couple at a time.

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Old 20th August 2017, 1:57 PM   #16
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Thank you for understanding. Your first paragraph was absolutely bang on. Exactly what you said.

Yes, we lived beyond our means and it all came crashing down. I couldn't help keep the house of cards from falling.

We can't afford counselling. We have already spoke about it and my wife is not keen. She's a psychologist herself so she thinks she knows what they will say. She's just said they will not provide additional coping mechanisms she does not already know as she has identified the problems that need fixing. All that needs fixing in her eyes is more money.
and if you do not get more money, and baked beans and love will have to do - then what?
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Old 20th August 2017, 6:37 PM   #17
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and if you do not get more money, and baked beans and love will have to do - then what?
Not getting more money is not an option. If we keep going on like this it's bust. That's pretty much where everything is at.
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Old 20th August 2017, 7:20 PM   #18
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He clearly mentioned comparing his wife's appearance in her 20s to how she looks now. The OP also talked about noticing how all of the women in his wife's family gained a lot of weight after children. His wife's weight was also mentioned several times without any prompting from other LS members. The OP has a problem with his wife's weight even if he says he does not. That is why several members who have posted in this thread have commented on it.
All of what you've said is coming from a place of misunderstanding. Please take at face value what I'm saying; any issue you think I have with my wife's weight is dwarfed by her own issues. The main problems with her weight is health and practical issues. You've assumed because I mentioned her weight for context, I therefore MUST have an issue to the point that I'm making her feel awful about it and it's one of the reasons she doesn't want to have sex.

I can assure you I have been open an honest about where my faults have been. My wife has criticized me about every fault and made it clear how she feels. I'm not left wondering, ever. If she was reading this thread I promise she would be picking you up on your incorrect inference and assuring you that I'm not only not criticial about her weight in a negative way, I'm also supportive about helping her lose it.

I have come here for advice, not to be unfairly judged. I expected judgement though as that's how many humans operate. But if I'm going to be judged I'd at least like it to be done fairly. Judge me on the things I have said, there's plenty of content I have mentioned where my failings have contributed to our problems. Just please don't read things between the lines that don't actually exist.

Last edited by Trail Blazer; 20th August 2017 at 7:24 PM..
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Old 20th August 2017, 8:01 PM   #19
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I'm really angry at your wife!! She's a qualified lawyer and a qualified psychologist, she left her job as a lawyer "because it was too stressful" and now she's trying to become a police officer! Like that's not going to be a stressful job...I think she needs to pull her head in and use some of these qualifications to earn some money instead of leaving it all on you. It's not fair of her to be mucking around trying to make businesses etc work when she is more than qualified to get a job somewhere and a good paying one at that. Are her older children contributing to the bills??
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Old 21st August 2017, 5:01 PM   #20
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I'm really angry at your wife!! She's a qualified lawyer and a qualified psychologist, she left her job as a lawyer "because it was too stressful" and now she's trying to become a police officer! Like that's not going to be a stressful job...I think she needs to pull her head in and use some of these qualifications to earn some money instead of leaving it all on you. It's not fair of her to be mucking around trying to make businesses etc work when she is more than qualified to get a job somewhere and a good paying one at that. Are her older children contributing to the bills??
It's not that simple actually. She didn't leave her job just because it was too stressful. She left her job because her whole life was too stressful, resulting in deteriorating health that ultimately resulted in a heart attack. Yes her weight at the time probably didn't help, but at no point here are we talking about MASSIVE weight, certainly overweight though, so only a contributing factor to some degree maybe.

The problem was that once she left, which she had to at the time because of her health - there was no choice - is that at the point where she regained her health she had her bankruptcy finalized. According to her, high level positions at government agencies, especially ones that administer state or federal tax revenues, do financial background checks. Being bankrupt is incompatible with a job like that.

My wife found the whole situation (heart attack) quite traumatic. Part of her left ventricle was damaged, so that has contributed towards an increased difficulty from her losing weight through cardiovascular exercise. All things considered she has done pretty well, as she's on a path to losing it, but still needs the surgery due to her insulin resistance. So point being, it's fair enough that she wanted to concentrate on her health first.

I accept that being in the police doesn't come without stress. In fact she gets asked by people why she wants to do that job given all the other stress in her life. Well I guess things have changed. Both our little kids are at school now, and her dad is semi retired so he helps by picking them up and taking them home from school as well as otuer things. Her older 2 aren't at school so there is no running them around any more as they both drive. And most importantly she wants to contribute to society by serving the community.

Speaking of her older 2 that you asked about. They are 23 and 20. The 23 year old girl doesn't work, but contributes a lot around the house by cleaning and babysitting our 2 kids when needed. The boy does nothing to help around the house, is a lazy pain in the ass most of the time, but still a good kid with a good heart and he does work, just at Walmart, but has good hours so he does contribute financially.
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Old 21st August 2017, 5:14 PM   #21
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It's not that simple actually. She didn't leave her job just because it was too stressful. She left her job because her whole life was too stressful, resulting in deteriorating health that ultimately resulted in a heart attack. Yes her weight at the time probably didn't help, but at no point here are we talking about MASSIVE weight, certainly overweight though, so only a contributing factor to some degree maybe.

The problem was that once she left, which she had to at the time because of her health - there was no choice - is that at the point where she regained her health she had her bankruptcy finalized. According to her, high level positions at government agencies, especially ones that administer state or federal tax revenues, do financial background checks. Being bankrupt is incompatible with a job like that.

My wife found the whole situation (heart attack) quite traumatic. Part of her left ventricle was damaged, so that has contributed towards an increased difficulty from her losing weight through cardiovascular exercise. All things considered she has done pretty well, as she's on a path to losing it, but still needs the surgery due to her insulin resistance. So point being, it's fair enough that she wanted to concentrate on her health first.

I accept that being in the police doesn't come without stress. In fact she gets asked by people why she wants to do that job given all the other stress in her life. Well I guess things have changed. Both our little kids are at school now, and her dad is semi retired so he helps by picking them up and taking them home from school as well as otuer things. Her older 2 aren't at school so there is no running them around any more as they both drive. And most importantly she wants to contribute to society by serving the community.

Speaking of her older 2 that you asked about. They are 23 and 20. The 23 year old girl doesn't work, but contributes a lot around the house by cleaning and babysitting our 2 kids when needed. The boy does nothing to help around the house, is a lazy pain in the ass most of the time, but still a good kid with a good heart and he does work, just at Walmart, but has good hours so he does contribute financially.
You're very good at making excuses for her! I never said she needed a high level government job, just that she is well qualified to be working in a well paying job...and I think she should be now that her whole life isn't so stressful anymore. I also think given her health history she's utterly crazy to be thinking of joining the police. She wouldn't get into our police force because of that reason alone, they simply don't accept people with health issues like that.
I also never mentioned one single word about her weight, but now I can see why all the other posters mentioned how hung up you are on her weight.
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Old 21st August 2017, 5:26 PM   #22
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You're very good at making excuses for her! I never said she needed a high level government job, just that she is well qualified to be working in a well paying job...and I think she should be now that her whole life isn't so stressful anymore. I also think given her health history she's utterly crazy to be thinking of joining the police. She wouldn't get into our police force because of that reason alone, they simply don't accept people with health issues like that.
I also never mentioned one single word about her weight, but now I can see why all the other posters mentioned how hung up you are on her weight.
I don't think I'm making excuses. I'm just trying to be balanced and give her perspective as well. She's not here, but it takes 2 to tango and the best way to get accurate feedback from posters here is to give both sides of the coin. If you still don't agree after I clarify the situation then all good. I'm not agreeing or disagreeing actually. To be honest I don't know what to think anymore.

I don't know where you are but I can assure you it's not easy to get in the police force here, or she would be in already. I believe that once she's all good weight wise, she will still have to pass an ECG which could still be a thorn in the side of her application. It will just come down to how iregular her heart beat might be. But in terme of practical and functional stregth and fitness, she's actually quite good.

As for being hung up on her weight: 1 poster said that. The others questioned aspect of it. Yeah, it's been an issue for many reasons. But never did I say it's been a problem for me in that I say to her things about it which make her feel bad which inturn has an adverse effect on our sex life or anything like that. The poster you refer to implied this and it couldn't be further from the truth.
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Old 21st August 2017, 6:22 PM   #23
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So, a woman who is over 40, has heart damage, and is a qualified lawyer and psychologist wants to fudge around with fanciful notions of a shiny new career in the police force..someday..rather than get a job in law or in psychology to pay her bills now? Really? Tell her it's time to grow up and start contributing. Life's stressful. Being an adult is stressful. If she thinks she's healthy enough to be a cop, she's healthy enough to work pretty much anywhere right now.
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Old 21st August 2017, 9:59 PM   #24
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All of what you've said is coming from a place of misunderstanding. Please take at face value what I'm saying; any issue you think I have with my wife's weight is dwarfed by her own issues. The main problems with her weight is health and practical issues. You've assumed because I mentioned her weight for context, I therefore MUST have an issue to the point that I'm making her feel awful about it and it's one of the reasons she doesn't want to have sex.

I can assure you I have been open an honest about where my faults have been. My wife has criticized me about every fault and made it clear how she feels. I'm not left wondering, ever. If she was reading this thread I promise she would be picking you up on your incorrect inference and assuring you that I'm not only not criticial about her weight in a negative way, I'm also supportive about helping her lose it.

I have come here for advice, not to be unfairly judged. I expected judgement though as that's how many humans operate. But if I'm going to be judged I'd at least like it to be done fairly. Judge me on the things I have said, there's plenty of content I have mentioned where my failings have contributed to our problems. Just please don't read things between the lines that don't actually exist.
I apologize for my misinterpretations. I'm glad you cleared up my misconceptions.

I'm wondering why your wife cannot set up a private practice if she's a psychologist. If you have a spare bedroom, your wife can use that as her office. That seems like a far less stressful career option than becoming a police officer or continuing to be a lawyer.

If your wife expected you to provide for the family, she should have been honest about that when you got married.
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Old 21st August 2017, 11:40 PM   #25
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Inquiring minds want to know: Are you overweight too?
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Old 22nd August 2017, 1:59 AM   #26
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Inquiring minds want to know: Are you overweight too?
If you had asked this question 3 years ago it would have been an emphatic 'no'. However turning 30 has changed things and combined with stopping playing sport for various reasons, it has contributed to me putting on about 20 lbs. I've joined a gym a few weeks ago actually as I've never been a heavy person and don't plan on letting any more weight creep up on me each and every year.
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Old 22nd August 2017, 3:29 AM   #27
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I apologize for my misinterpretations. I'm glad you cleared up my misconceptions.

I'm wondering why your wife cannot set up a private practice if she's a psychologist. If you have a spare bedroom, your wife can use that as her office. That seems like a far less stressful career option than becoming a police officer or continuing to be a lawyer.

If your wife expected you to provide for the family, she should have been honest about that when you got married.
My wife has a degree in psychology but has never worked in the field before. She has no experience and is not licensed to practice at all. Why she did the degree I don't really know. She said it interested her.

We do not have a spare room as we have 4 kids and only 4 bedroom. Things are pretty tight in more ways than one in this household. If we were going to have a spare room my wife would use it as a studio for photography.
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Old 22nd August 2017, 3:47 AM   #28
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So, a woman who is over 40, has heart damage, and is a qualified lawyer and psychologist wants to fudge around with fanciful notions of a shiny new career in the police force..someday..rather than get a job in law or in psychology to pay her bills now? Really? Tell her it's time to grow up and start contributing. Life's stressful. Being an adult is stressful. If she thinks she's healthy enough to be a cop, she's healthy enough to work pretty much anywhere right now.
Well yeah, this is pretty much where we are at the minute. I get how it reads to others. It doesn't really make any sense. As I said earlier though, while she's been bankrupt it's not exactly easy to get a job in the public sector as public financial records are available for 7 years I am led to believe. She's been bankrupt for 6 years so only a year to go.

I have tried to lean on her a little to see if she warms to the idea of going back to a gov agency again. She hates it and says it's a soul destroying environment full of psychos and narcissists trying to climb over each other to get promotions. She finds the work unispiring and the people (not all but many) unpleasant to work with.

Any time I do bring it up she always turns it around on to me and my faults. For example she will say stuff like "if you don't want me to join the police force, why don't you join it"? I did attempt to join 10 years ago but failed the aptitude test. By the time I could do it again I'd alreadtly decided policing probably wasn't for me. So I have stuck out at my trade trying my best in that.

Another thing she will say if I voice concerns about her joining the police (or anything else for that matter) is "the people sitting on the sidelines with their hands in the air saying they can't fix the problem (financial problem) have no business criticizing the methods with which those whom can fix the problem have adopted".

I'm tired of fighting and arguing. It just devolves into name calling and insults. I'm always left to feel like the only reason why we have arguments is because I don't understand the concepts we're discussing and because I don't understand the concepts I misinterpret what she says and go off on a tangent. I disagree but then it's rinse and repeat in that case. So it's easier to just say "whatever"and go do something else.
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Old 22nd August 2017, 9:45 AM   #29
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My wife has a degree in psychology but has never worked in the field before. She has no experience and is not licensed to practice at all. Why she did the degree I don't really know. She said it interested her.

We do not have a spare room as we have 4 kids and only 4 bedroom. Things are pretty tight in more ways than one in this household. If we were going to have a spare room my wife would use it as a studio for photography.
Does your wife refer to herself as a psychologist if she's not licensed to practice? What degree does she hold?

Since your wife has an education, she needs to buckle down and use it to obtain employment. Photography and dreams of police work will not pay the bills.

Of course, these facts do not absolve you of the need to find and sustain gainful employment.
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Old 22nd August 2017, 9:52 AM   #30
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Hi Trail Blazer, after reading through your thread I empathize with your situation. The fact is that 13 years ago when you got in touch with your wife on a forum like this, she was the fully mature adult with enough life experience notched up. You were a beardless teen anger just entering manhood and were yet to find your feet. Of course she was on the rebound and latched on to you in a desperate attempt to steady her rudderless life at that point. What she did with you was almost as bad as cradle snatching and as the adult in the relationship I will put the blame squarely on her shoulders. For God's sake man you are closer in age to your step daughter than you are to her mum, your wife. In everything I have read I find your wife's behaviour self entitled and considering that she already had baggage from her past, I think it was selfish of her to ensnare you into a one sided relationship. Because you got married so young, you were not able to explore your options for further education and having the freedom of choice for deciding on a suitable career. With the sword of Damocles of having to support your older wife with all her baggage( although of course she was working and able to support her self at the time) you had to man up and take up the most convenient career path available to you at the time.
This was a grossly unfair burden for someone who should have known better to have placed on your shoulders. Your wife then had to give up working when her health forced her to do so and the entire burden of the family was placed on your shoulders. With her frustration rising on account of her own problems she started blaming you for not stepping up to the plate. She took up a business of photography without assessing the input costs of the project for it to be successful and then exited it leading to loss of money and having to file for bankruptsy. All through her various shenanigans you supported her including agreeing to put her children in a high end private school which she would have known would be a difficult proposition to maintain. I think right through your so called marriage your wife has used you and abused you as the fall guy. You on the other hand have mostly delivered well under very trying circumstances. All I can say is that your marriage is a very one sided affair and maybe her first husband left her because he realized her penchant for unreasonableness. Maybe I'm wrong. Maybe he cheated on her. Only you would know. However, in your case as you rightly captioned your thread your marriage is in free fall. It is up to you now whether you want to stick it out with her or strike out on your own. I know that having children with her has complicated matters. If you stick around you can expect years of heart break with her because she is not going to ease up on her behavior. You have a difficult choice ahead of you. Choose widely. Warm wishes.
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