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Ghosted Over A Year Ago...And It Still Hurts


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Old 11th August 2017, 8:15 PM   #16
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Thank you so much for posting. Hugely helpful to read. As an xMW who has had an affair with a person I really love I find your list really relevant and interesting.

Can I ask - do you love your wife? But still love your xOW?
Did you stop having sex with your wife during affair? Is this better now? But you still love your xOW?

Thanks again
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Old 11th August 2017, 8:44 PM   #17
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Originally Posted by Back2Good View Post
Hi RR!
I have not confessed to my wife...and I struggle with it every day. I believe at the time, she knew I was having an A....at the very least she knew I was in an emotional-A. And it didn't really bother me that she *might* know... Why didn't it bother me? Because I was a coward...and having her just sense my having an A...made it easier on me.
I do however want to point out...I WANTED to tell her...and I was prepared to tell her... Honest! I really did want to. But I couldn't because she knew my AP....and my AP didn't want me to tell her, because of the fact they knew each other. (yeah...I'm slime)
This is why your marriage can't be a happy one. ..... secondly, how can you say you're all in when you are in fact still choosing the affair and affair partner?
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Old 11th August 2017, 11:24 PM   #18
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Originally Posted by sandylee1 View Post
I felt a lot of honesty and self reflection when I read your 'notes'. The realisation of what kind of person the A turned you into.

Just a couple of other thoughts. One being the fact that you still love your Ex AP. I personally would rather not be with a man who loved another woman.

The second being.... That feeling a spouse has, when they 'know' there was an affair in the past. They stick around, but it's always in the back of their mind.
PLEASE research joe beam and marriagehelper.com... this is 100% limerence you are describing... search for his articles and podcasts on limerence specifically... it will help you understand all of this so much
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Old 12th August 2017, 3:05 AM   #19
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"I'm not certain I'll ever have closure though. But I do wish she said "goodbye" instead of Ghosting. I said I wasn't angry with her....but I am disappointed in her for taking the easy way out."


Easy way out? Look who's talking.....
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Old 13th August 2017, 3:59 PM   #20
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Thank you for posting, I especially got a lot of insight reading your notes. You are going to get a lot of people telling you that you must confess, but I truly believe that's a personal decision. You and your wife seem to be in a better place. You can read my long thread if you want to know my story.


I hope you'll keep posting.
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Old 14th August 2017, 7:00 AM   #21
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Originally Posted by pheonixrisen View Post
....And you mentioned you still ignore your wife on fb just so the AP does not see ....what is this about ?
If you are 100 percent committed to reconciling what does it matter what your ex AP sees or thinks ...unless you are secretly hoping she returns to start the cycle again.
Thank you for your perspective Pheonix.
My compilation of notes were written over many many months.... So at the time I wrote about my lack of engagement with my wife on FB...it was accurate. As of today...I do engage my wife on FB.


I can understand how one might think I want my AP to return with the intention to continue. I can honestly say that's not where I am...albeit I understand it might not appear that way. But I really really don't want to begin again.
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Old 14th August 2017, 7:09 AM   #22
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Originally Posted by Poppy47 View Post
Back 2Good,

She might have felt it was the only safe way for HER to leave the affair and not get hooked back in. How do you know it was the 'easy' way out for her? it might have taken all her courage.

I don't think she owes you anything. After all you were feeding her and your wife a whole pile of crap for 2.5 years.

If she contact you again, there is a chance that the affair will rekindle, as you obviously still have strong feelings. Hope and pray for your wife's sake there is no further contact.
Poppy.
Thank you for your POV Poppy... And you are right... I DON'T know that it was easy for her.... To be honest...I suppose I've been so selfishly wrapped up in my own psyche...that I wasn't seeing her POV clearly.


Will there be a chance that the affair will rekindle? If/When she contacts me again...I am certain that the A will NOT start up again. Now that I am out of the storm...and I can view this from a macro view....I will not repeat the same mistakes I made that got me into the A to begin with. I certainly didn't see the A coming...but boy it did. So "no"...there is not a chance the A will pick back up. 1) If I was to take up with my AP again...I would do it as a single man. 2) If "1" was to happen...that would mean I'd leave my wife. I'm not going to leave my wife...ever. Thought I would at one point....but now that I am out of the fog, I realize just how badly I f'kd up....very badly....and I belong with my wife.
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Old 14th August 2017, 7:26 AM   #23
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Originally Posted by Jemima1234 View Post
Thank you so much for posting. Hugely helpful to read. As an xMW who has had an affair with a person I really love I find your list really relevant and interesting.

Can I ask - do you love your wife? But still love your xOW?
Did you stop having sex with your wife during affair? Is this better now? But you still love your xOW?

Thanks again


Hi Jemima...
Yes.... I do love my wife.


During the A...the sex stopped with my wife in time. It was because I was "so stressed from my high pressured job.." "I'm so exhausted" "I'm angry with you..." "...we're not in a good place..." Whatever lie/story/reason I could come up with to avoid sex. Just writing this response is making me have a physical reaction like I want to throw-up. How ironic it is,...that I avoided sex with my WIFE....because I didn't want to CHEAT on my AP. How frickiin' TWISTED is that...????


"Is It Better Now." Yes... It is better now. Sex occurs a steady 2-3 times a week.


Before the "haters" and "buzzards" chime in to confirm my demented action(s)... I'll preface you by saying "you are RIGHT." I'm not here to deny any culpability... I own it... I own it all.....
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Old 14th August 2017, 7:32 AM   #24
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Originally Posted by somuchfortheone View Post
PLEASE research joe beam and marriagehelper.com... this is 100% limerence you are describing... search for his articles and podcasts on limerence specifically... it will help you understand all of this so much
Thank you! I am not TOTALLY there yet....but I am getting there by leaps and bounds!!....realizing my new vocabulary word "Limerence" very very likely applies to me and my AP. I'm starting to seriously question if I was in love with HER.....or was I in love with her external beauty????
So was/is a beautiful person on the inside (sans that affair thing she had going on there for a bit)....but was I really just infatuated with her body and looks? I used to say to her that I could care less if she was a horrid ugly troll.... Now that I'm talking about this (to 1,000s of strangers on a message board) I am starting to see some clarity. Reading other's stories...confirming I wasn't special..and my A wasn't unique in any way whatsoever....
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Old 14th August 2017, 7:35 AM   #25
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Originally Posted by Doublegold View Post
"I'm not certain I'll ever have closure though. But I do wish she said "goodbye" instead of Ghosting. I said I wasn't angry with her....but I am disappointed in her for taking the easy way out."


Easy way out? Look who's talking.....


You're right. I get it.... But please understand I do realize I'm not perfect. So very very far from it.
I'm certainly not in the market looking to purchase any glass houses,...with all these rocks lining my pockets and collected in my hands...


The day I become perfect...I'll update the interested parties on this board. #NeverWillHappen
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Old 14th August 2017, 7:42 AM   #26
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Originally Posted by deadsoul View Post
Thank you for posting, I especially got a lot of insight reading your notes. You are going to get a lot of people telling you that you must confess, but I truly believe that's a personal decision. You and your wife seem to be in a better place. You can read my long thread if you want to know my story.


I hope you'll keep posting.


DeadSoul: GOOD LORD.... I don't know where to begin...or if I should even try to begin. I ready your story...but I must confess (HA!..see what I did there..??..'confess'...) I didn't read each entry yet. After page-2....I jumped to the last page. Seems as if I missed a lot...but I will go back and read the entire thread.
All I can say is;....it was SO refreshing to read your words. To feel the pain from each and every syllable... There's so much more I want to know about your story... It's where I am... I know your original thread was about "confessing..." But it's how you were feeling about the A overall....AND how you are approaching your relationship with your H...that REALLY resonates with me.


Thank you for taking the time to point me your direction. I will read it all... It's just nice to see....I'm not the only one struggling with the mistake I've made. There's so much more I need to know of you...so maybe I'll find my answers once I read your entire thread.


I'll just leave this here; "THANK YOU."
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Old 14th August 2017, 8:40 AM   #27
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Well, sounds like you and your wife are doing well and I am so happy for you. Although your perspective isn't popular, I think it's valuable to hear different stories of how things work out.

As for your exAP I think it must have taken a lot for her to cut you off and that it wasn't easy for her. She had given you an incredible gift that you are only beginning to appreciate now. I want to be able to do that for myself and for my MM as well. I know that continued contact will only hurt us and others in the end. So, although you have unanswered questions about it all ultimately she gave you the gift of being able to refocus on your marriage and devote yourself to your wife. You are lucky.

Please keep posting. We need your perspective around here!
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Old 14th August 2017, 10:57 AM   #28
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Originally Posted by Back2Good View Post
You're right. I get it.... But please understand I do realize I'm not perfect. So very very far from it.
I'm certainly not in the market looking to purchase any glass houses,...with all these rocks lining my pockets and collected in my hands...


The day I become perfect...I'll update the interested parties on this board. #NeverWillHappen
One thing I've learned from this whole mess is how judgmental I was. It's so easy to tell everyone else how they should do things and why they should do things a certain way. How about if we all just learn to accept that people make different choices, but they are doing what works for them? Maybe it's not the "right" way or maybe it's not what one "should" be doing, but I spent too long doing what I "should not" have been doing. I always keep in mind that people are advising based on their own experiences and hurts, but I still maintain that there's no one "right way" to do things.

I admire that you own and take responsibility for your mistakes. I think that's huge. It was very hard for me to do that.

My questions (and I hope they don't come across "judge-y" I'm genuinely interested):

How are you sure that the A won't happen again when she connects? (you answered this a little bit, but I guess coming from a point of view that I said I would NEVER have an affair, that was the lowest of the low and then I did, I'm really reluctant to make statements like this now. Instead I say, "I'm choosing each day to not make those choices again.")
Do you still have strong feelings for your AP and how do you deal with them? (From your words, I sense you still have strong feelings. How does this affect R with your wife? One of my big struggles has been how can I be all in with R if I still harbor feelings for OM? Though now I see it for what it was and they have diminished a lot)
What do you think led you to the affair in the first place?

Last edited by deadsoul; 14th August 2017 at 11:02 AM..
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Old 14th August 2017, 11:46 AM   #29
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[QUOTE=BigBlueSky;7390312]Well, sounds like you and your wife are doing well...
^^^
We are BigBlue...and thank you. I am approaching her as if there was a D-day... By that I mean, I'm making sure she knows how relevant and important she is... How much she's loved.

As for your exAP.....She had given you an incredible gift that you are only beginning to appreciate now....
^^^^^
In my very first initial post on this....I stated that I "prayed for her to go.." I did...I did pray A LOT!!! My prayer was selfish though...as we all know, I am selfish.
My prayer was along the lines of; "If this is NOT HER PATH LORD...if it is not your will for us to be together....please give HER the strength to leave me....for I am not strong enough to leave her...."
You are spot on BigBlue... She DID give me an incredible gift. I was either a coward, too weak or what I thought at the time...too in love with my AP to end the affair on my own two feet. So, she did it for me. I think about her motivation to ghost me all the time... I'm starting to believe she did it for my best interest.. She did it FOR me...cause she knew I wouldn't.


although you have unanswered questions about it all ultimately she gave you the gift of being able to refocus on your marriage and devote yourself to your wife. You are lucky.
^^^^
I am "healing" every day.... I'm coming to the mindset that I don't think I need answers. Thank you for reminding me how fortunate I really am...
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Old 14th August 2017, 12:47 PM   #30
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Originally Posted by deadsoul View Post
One thing I've learned from this whole mess is how judgmental I was. It's so easy to tell everyone else how they should do things and why they should do things a certain way. How about if we all just learn to accept that people make different choices, but they are doing what works for them? Maybe it's not the "right" way or maybe it's not what one "should" be doing, but I spent too long doing what I "should not" have been doing. I always keep in mind that people are advising based on their own experiences and hurts, but I still maintain that there's no one "right way" to do things.

I admire that you own and take responsibility for your mistakes. I think that's huge. It was very hard for me to do that.

My questions (and I hope they don't come across "judge-y" I'm genuinely interested):

How are you sure that the A won't happen again when she connects? (you answered this a little bit, but I guess coming from a point of view that I said I would NEVER have an affair, that was the lowest of the low and then I did, I'm really reluctant to make statements like this now. Instead I say, "I'm choosing each day to not make those choices again.")
Do you still have strong feelings for your AP and how do you deal with them? (From your words, I sense you still have strong feelings. How does this affect R with your wife? One of my big struggles has been how can I be all in with R if I still harbor feelings for OM? Though now I see it for what it was and they have diminished a lot)
What do you think led you to the affair in the first place?

First of all deadsoul...I have spent ALL morning catching up on your story. I am now at the top of p.43. I have meetings this afternoon...so I'm trying to get through your thread. I gotta let you know...your journey is bringing me a lot of emotions and thoughts. I had to stop a few times because it was getting emotional for me. It was hitting home. (btw..i do cry at funerals...hell, I cry watching hallmark commercials during the holidays...but I don't cry when I'm angry.)




How are you sure that the A won't happen again:
Now that I am out of the "fog"....I can step back from all of the emotion, excitement/etc... I look back and see that I wasn't "happy" with my AP. In fact,...I was frinkin' miserable!! I was miserable when I wasn't with her. I was miserable when she was with her husband doing "family" things.. I was miserable when I was doing things with my family...knowing it was making AP miserable. I was miserable when I couldn't be with her. I was even miserable when I was WITH her...because I was already dreading when I'd have to leave her side. I was miserable in the fact I was actually having an "affair".... I didn't want to be that guy. That guy that has an "affair." I was miserable that I was 1/2 responsible for the reason SHE was an adulteress. I was sad I was the reason. Neither one of us were happy that we were in a full scale affair....but we thought we were soul mates....and we couldn't ignore that.. For 2.5 years!! Now, that I've stepped back....I see that I was miserable. I didn't like cheating on my wife. I didn't like hurting her. She didn't deserve to be treated with so much disrespect. I knew that during the A....and that too made me miserable.
I also strongly believe that my xAP does NOT want to relive any of the above either.


Do you still have strong feelings for your AP and how do you deal with them?
Thank you for your question on this. This board has done a lot in making me self reflect on a lot of things. I think I'll always carry some sort of "love" in my heart for her. But you know what...?? Ask me the same question regarding my very first love.... Guess what? I carry some feeling for her as well. And my 2nd love...? Same. 3rd... Yep. So, if I am to be honest...I do have strong feelings for my xAP. But what I need to do is "define" what those feelings are exactly. They might just be a fondness of the memories we shared. What I don't believe they are anymore though... I don't believe she is or was my soul-mate. I don't love her like that. Not anymore. And if it's not "anymore"....doesn't that beg the question of "was it ever??" If you love someone....do you ever really fall completely OUT of love? I'm not sure you do?? I mean,...I just think perhaps that "love" takes a different shade of color. I care what happens to her....I HOPE she's with someone and that she's very very happy. I wish her all the best...so that means I have strong feelings for her....yes? When I think of the "love" I harbor for my wife.... It doesn't COMPARE to how I feel for xAP. The love I have with my wife has sustained 19 years... I don't think the same would be true with my xAP had we built a life together as a couple out in the open.


So I guess I deal with the feelings for her by defining that "love"...by categorizing them. Although I may have feelings of love....I don't confuse these feelings of love with deep romantic "spouse Love." I'm recognizing my love of xAP is tied to "Ludus" love....or "Agape" love....as described by the ancient Greeks. So what I'm very poorly saying is; there is not one level or threshold of love. There are layers...and types. I'm not bothered that I have love for xAP...because I don't label this love the same way I love my wife. It's very different.
BTW....this realization I explained above is NEW!! I'm just working this through! But it's true.




How does this affect R with your wife?
It makes me count my blessings!!! It motivates me to give her the man she deserves.... To be that man I want my son to grow up and be. I feel like I narrowly escaped what could have been the biggest mistake in my life....had I left my wife.


One of my big struggles has been how can I be all in with R if I still harbor feelings for OM?
Going back to the 6-degrees of love. Don't confuse "Agape" love with the REAL thing.
Here is a fallacy: "...All pigs like mud...therefore anything that likes mud is a pig..." <--FALSE that's a Fallacy!!
Here's another Fallacy: "...I have strong feelings (love) for another man...therefore it's impossible that I carry TRUE love for my partner..."






What do you think led you to the affair in the first place?
God I want to know that answer so badly...I can't stand not knowing!!
My honest answer is that I DON'T KNOW what led me to have an affair! It wasn't for the thrill. I've had (as we all have) MANY MANY opportunities to cheat. (I work with a lot of women) I never considered cheating before my xAP. I was very careful knowing where that line was, when I had a friend that happened to be a girl. I knew how to keep myself out of bad situations...and I did just that. I wasn't looking for any "strange." I was happy in my marriage...both emotionally...and sexually. Intellectually too. My friendship with my xAP was a strong connection in the beginning... It was just a very strong connection that we both noticed. It took years for anything to happen between us...and that's another story. I just remember driving down the road in my car... My wife sitting next to me... This song comes on the radio...and I just suddenly got bitch-slapped upside the head with the sudden realization of "...OMG...I'm in love with xyz..!!!"
If I was to guess what led me to the affair and allowed myself to "go there." My own self insecurities. There is something missing in me that I found in my xAP. :/ Perhaps that's just an excuse I've convinced myself of though.
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