Sexless Marriage..

[JenGel]

Please help... I am so lost on what to do with my marriage. My husband and I have been married for 5 years. I am 27 and he 38. Sex has always been an issue in our relationship. Of course in the beginning, it was more frequent, but still my drive was much higher. About a year after we got married sex became nearly non-existant. We have fought and fought over it. Most recently, I flat out told him I would not stay in a sexless marriage. It broke my heart to see how deeply my saying that hurt him, but his lack of willingness to share intimacy with me is turning me into someone I cant stand. I am self conscious, I feel unattractive, unwanted, undesired. Constantly asking what is wrong with me, when I never did before. I need and crave an intimate connection with him, but no matter how hard I try (sexual and non sexual), it never improves. I love him as a person, our relationship outside of sex is great. I know I would miss him dearly if I divorced him, but at the same time… I am 27. My sex drive and curiosity now is higher than it has ever been. I can’t even discuss sex with him or without him shutting down. The only time we have sex is if I instigate it, and at this point, I am tired of basically begging for sex. He told me that sex has never been important to him and it has always affected his past relationships (granted he told me this after 4 years of fighting about sex). He won't go to counseling, he has said more times than he can count that he will "work on it" but that lasts about a week or two and its right back where we were. I feel cheated and betrayed. I love him and I dont want to hurt him, but I find myself constantly saying to myself, "this isnt what I signed up for". Its not what I wanted or thought it would be and I am so angry at him all the time that this is what our marriage has become. I feel so petty being in so much turmoil over sex, but without intimacy.. I feel like I am just living with a roommate. Or a friend. Not a lover and a partner.

 

I am at a loss. I have no idea what to do. I believe in marriage and my vows but… I dont know how I can continue this way.

[stillafool]

Was his sex drive this low before you married him?

[JenGel]

It was lower than mine at first, but our sex life existed at least... I would say after the "newness" wore off, we probably maintained anywhere from 1-2 times per week... Not long at all after we got married it just got less and less until basically nothing.

[alphamale]

... Not long at all after we got married it just got less and less until basically nothing.

 

typical marriage

[stillafool]

Maybe it is time to try counseling. At 27 you can't go on like this. Do you guys plan to have kids?

[JenGel]

Maybe it is time to try counseling. At 27 you can't go on like this. Do you guys plan to have kids?

 

The last time we got in a big fight about it I brought up counseling and he won't go. We discussed kids before, but I am unsure if I want kids at all. I definitely don't when I am so unhappy.

[Birdies]

The last time we got in a big fight about it I brought up counseling and he won't go. We discussed kids before, but I am unsure if I want kids at all. I definitely don't when I am so unhappy.

 

If he won't go to counseling to address the issue that is tearing your marriage apart, that says a LOT about the value he puts on your marriage. You deserve better than this.

 

I was the one dragging my feet about sex and pledging to "do better" but never really changing anything, in my previous marriage. In retrospect, I feel so terrible that I put my husband through that. It's such an important component of a loving, trusting marriage.

[stillafool]

The last time we got in a big fight about it I brought up counseling and he won't go. We discussed kids before, but I am unsure if I want kids at all. I definitely don't when I am so unhappy.

 

You are wise to think about this because a lot of couples say that sex slows down after kids. If he won't go to counseling what is his solution?

[JenGel]

typical marriage

 

You are wise to think about this because a lot of couples say that sex slows down after kids. If he won't go to counseling what is his solution?

 

The only "solution" he offers is that he will "work on it". But he has said it so many times... It gets better for a couple weeks (but even then it's in the back of my mind that its an obligation to him), then it just goes right back to where we are. I don't know what else to try. I have tried lingerie, he says it's a waste or ignores me. I have tried date night to dinner and sex store for something "fun" and he just gets irritated. I have even tried just sitting in front of him and playing with myself (embarrassing as that is to say) and he actually ignored me.

 

And to be clear, I am not overweight or unattractive to at least most men. I am not some model, but I am not disgusting either.

[RecentChange]

Has his testerone level been tested?

 

Ignoring your needs can't go on.

 

I honestly don't know how to "fix" this without being nasty or manipulative.

 

What do you think his reaction would be if you said you can and will get attention from other men?

[dnowak77]

I understand the fustration and how emotional hard this is as im 27 and still have that sexaul need. The same thing has happened to my marriage but slowly vanished until the last 3 months.

[LargoLagg]

Please help... I am so lost on what to do with my marriage. My husband and I have been married for 5 years. I am 27 and he 38. Sex has always been an issue in our relationship. Of course in the beginning, it was more frequent, but still my drive was much higher. About a year after we got married sex became nearly non-existant. We have fought and fought over it. Most recently, I flat out told him I would not stay in a sexless marriage. It broke my heart to see how deeply my saying that hurt him, but his lack of willingness to share intimacy with me is turning me into someone I cant stand. I am self conscious, I feel unattractive, unwanted, undesired. Constantly asking what is wrong with me, when I never did before. I need and crave an intimate connection with him, but no matter how hard I try (sexual and non sexual), it never improves. I love him as a person, our relationship outside of sex is great. I know I would miss him dearly if I divorced him, but at the same time… I am 27. My sex drive and curiosity now is higher than it has ever been. I can’t even discuss sex with him or without him shutting down. The only time we have sex is if I instigate it, and at this point, I am tired of basically begging for sex. He told me that sex has never been important to him and it has always affected his past relationships (granted he told me this after 4 years of fighting about sex). He won't go to counseling, he has said more times than he can count that he will "work on it" but that lasts about a week or two and its right back where we were. I feel cheated and betrayed. I love him and I dont want to hurt him, but I find myself constantly saying to myself, "this isnt what I signed up for". Its not what I wanted or thought it would be and I am so angry at him all the time that this is what our marriage has become. I feel so petty being in so much turmoil over sex, but without intimacy.. I feel like I am just living with a roommate. Or a friend. Not a lover and a partner.

 

I am at a loss. I have no idea what to do. I believe in marriage and my vows but… I dont know how I can continue this way.

My first thought is that he's gay, and is not at all comfortable with it. He's a great companion otherwise for a woman, but in bed, he's a dud, as in COMPLETELY NOT INTERESTED. Not interested in seeing you in sexy clothes, not interested in trying different stuff, not interested in a possible cure.

 

I think he knows exactly what's wrong, which is why he's not interested in counseling or toys or whatever. It's a waste of money. He's gay and doesn't want to admit it.

[alphamale]

The only "solution" he offers is that he will "work on it". But he has said it so many times... It gets better for a couple weeks (but even then it's in the back of my mind that its an obligation to him), then it just goes right back to where we are. I don't know what else to try. I have tried lingerie, he says it's a waste or ignores me. I have tried date night to dinner and sex store for something "fun" and he just gets irritated. I have even tried just sitting in front of him and playing with myself (embarrassing as that is to say) and he actually ignored me.

 

And to be clear, I am not overweight or unattractive to at least most men. I am not some model, but I am not disgusting either.

 

maybe he's gay?

[JenGel]

maybe he's gay?

 

It's certainly crossed my mind. Although he is incredibly homophobic. Of course I've asked him that but he wouldn't admit it.

 

You would think if he was though he wouldn't want to be married to a woman and would wanna go.. be gay.

[JenGel]

Has his testerone level been tested?

 

Ignoring your needs can't go on.

 

I honestly don't know how to "fix" this without being nasty or manipulative.

 

What do you think his reaction would be if you said you can and will get attention from other men?

 

He did get his testosterone tested an he has no problem. I think if I told him that he would get mad, which for him is to be silent basically for days on end. Lol

[LargoLagg]

Options:

 

Forcing himself to have sex with you

Divorce

Sexless Marriage

Open Marriage

Sybian Machine

Regular visit from the Gigolo

 

How many of those are just another way of saying divorce? Maybe you should show him the list and see what he thinks is best for the two of you.

[RecentChange]

He did get his testosterone tested an he has no problem. I think if I told him that he would get mad, which for him is to be silent basically for days on end. Lol

 

Ugh! So he is passive aggressive on top of no libido?

 

(So I guess a make -up or punish F is out of the question)

 

I am surprised you still want to hump him.

 

As for being homophobic - I find that to be a red flag that he IS gay. Look at how many gay bashers are later found to have Grindr accounts etc.

 

Why is he homophobic? Was he raised in a conservative religious home? Honesty I think many people don't give a hoot about homosexually. Its the oppressed ones, the ones with self hate that are most likely to be "homophobic".

 

And many suppressed gay men do have relationships with, and even marry women. The term for a wife is a "beard" as it is their cover for being gay.

 

Have you ever snooped through his phone and internet history? Does he watch porn?

[JenGel]

Ugh! So he is passive aggressive on top of no libido?

 

(So I guess a make -up or punish F is out of the question)

 

I am surprised you still want to hump him.

 

As for being homophobic - I find that to be a red flag that he IS gay. Look at how many gay bashers are later found to have Grindr accounts etc.

 

Why is he homophobic? Was he raised in a conservative religious home? Honesty I think many people don't give a hoot about homosexually. Its the oppressed ones, the ones with self hate that are most likely to be "homophobic".

 

And many suppressed gay men do have relationships with, and even marry women. The term for a wife is a "beard" as it is their cover for being gay.

 

Have you ever snooped through his phone and internet history? Does he watch porn?

 

Haha! I'll admit my attraction to him isn't what it used to be but... I really miss sex Lol! He was raised in the country, very religious, but a very messed up family. I have snooped once or twice through his phone and found nothing. The last time I snooped I accidentally called his brother and havent done it since. Lol. As far as porn.. I kind of wish his did, but I really dont think he does. I could be wrong, but I dont even think he masturbates much.

[joseb]

It's certainly crossed my mind. Although he is incredibly homophobic. Of course I've asked him that but he wouldn't admit it.

 

 

Being very homophobic makes it more likely.

[MJJean]

All signs point to seriously closeted homosexual.

[Just a Guy]

Hi JenGel, sorry for your sad predicament. I wouldn't jump to conclusions about your husband being gay or not. He may just fall into the category of being asexual. You mentioned that you called his brother by mistake while snooping on your husband's phone. You also mentioned that he had a strict religious upbringing and also that his family was dysfunctional. In that context can you tell us something about the relationships his siblings have with their spouses. Do they also have a problem assuming that you know something about their relationships.

 

My own opinion is that you are too young to waste your life with someone who is not on the same page as you regarding intimacy. How did you two meet and what attracted you to him? One fact struck me and that is the considerable age gap between you two. Was your husband ever married before you got into a relationship with him? If so what was the reason for his break up with his first wife? Could it have been the same reason that you are now having to deal with? What did you find attractive about him that made you believe he was the' One' for you? In any case there isn't much that you can do singlehandedly that you have'nt tried already to improve on your situation. I think you should file for divorce and not look back. After divorce if he wants to stay in touch, you can maintain a friendly relationship with him at least till you find a new partner more into the way you think and feel and then cool off the friendship because your new husband may not be comfortable with you wanting to maintain any kind of relationship with your ex. Hope some of this helps. Cheers.

Edited October 22, 2016 by Just a Guy

[elaine567]

Haha! I'll admit my attraction to him isn't what it used to be but... I really miss sex Lol! He was raised in the country, very religious, but a very messed up family. I have snooped once or twice through his phone and found nothing. The last time I snooped I accidentally called his brother and havent done it since. Lol. As far as porn.. I kind of wish his did, but I really dont think he does. I could be wrong, but I dont even think he masturbates much.

 

If he is gay and/or cheating he may have another phone.

His main phone being clean, may mean very little.

[Popsicle]

Go on girl, leave him.

[Lion Heart]

It's certainly crossed my mind. Although he is incredibly homophobic. Of course I've asked him that but he wouldn't admit it.

 

You would think if he was though he wouldn't want to be married to a woman and would wanna go.. be gay.

 

Oh dear... now I REALLY think he's gay too after the post above.

 

Tbh the "incredibly homophobic" description sends a red flag up pretty high!

 

JenGel you MUST have heard of people who DO marry to HIDE their homosexuality??? Gosh only tonight I found out that a 23yo friend of my daughter has been HIDING his 4y live in homosexual relationship from EVERYBODY. Including my D. He has only decided to "come out" to us today! AND he's the father of a 5yo. He TRIED to conform to societal and familial "expectations". He's TERRIFIED of it being publicly known.

He feels for SURE that he'll lose his family altogether.

This.

Now.

From a young person.

In a "GAY PRIDE" Society such as ours.

NO religious ties at all restraining him.

 

I know of so many people who TRIED THEIR HARDEST to be heterosexual. They maintained the facade for x length of time. Then broke out. Some had FOUR children.

 

So go down this checklist:

* is H from a homophobic family?

* is religion playing a part of Hs family or your society?

* does H use any type of porn with a gay slant?

 

He may be one of those rare people who are, is it, androgynous? ie of no particular sexual persuasion.

 

Even a VERY famous British comedian stayed celibate rather than come out.

When he finally told his mother (his main concern) she said "Oh I've always known that" lol.

 

Gosh my friend from high school came home from work to find his W in bed with another woman. He was DEVASTATED. They had a child together. 25y later his exW is STILL in that homosexual relationship.

 

See if you can find stuff out.

 

I suspect this to be true for your H.

 

Best wishes

Lion Heart

[anika99]

He could be gay but then again some people are just naturally non sexual beings. I think it's called asexual.

 

OP I was your age when I found myself in a sexless relationship. At first the sex was hot and heavy which was a huge part of the draw to the relationship, in a few months it suddenly dropped to about once a week. Then it slowly kept dwindling so that after the first year we were having sex maybe once every 3 months. I held on for as long as I could because I loved him. It also took him quite awhile to admit that sex had been a problem for him in every relationship. I was jumping through hoops looking for ways to excite him before he finally told me I was fighting a fight I was never going to win. After 2.5 years together I ended the relationship and I never regretted it.

 

Being sexually rejected is about so much more than just being sexually frustrated. It deeply affects ones self esteem and self worth. It makes you feel unattractive and undesirable. I don't think you should accept a lifetime of feeling unlovable and I definitely don't think you should cheat or threaten to cheat. I think you should first separate and let that be his wake up call that you are prepared to move on if he doesn't start taking this issue seriously and then be ready to file for divorce because I'm not sure you can make somebody be sexually attracted to you.