Non virgin wife

[chuckkarev]

So, I'm about to get married next month to the girl that I love.

Only thing is that she is not pure. Also, she admitted still having feelings for the man that robbed me of her virginity.

 

I have started two threads here describing our situation in detail, so I'll not go into that again. I just wanted to ask for advice on how to best cope with this pain.

 

Also, if there are similar couples among you that have worked, please share.

[Selfish]

So, I'm about to get married next month to the girl that I love.

Only thing is that she is not pure. Also, she admitted still having feelings for the man that robbed me of her virginity.

 

I have started two threads here describing our situation in detail, so I'll not go into that again. I just wanted to ask for advice on how to best cope with this pain.

 

Also, if there are similar couples among you that have worked, please share.

 

She isn't going to magically not have a past. No one is going to tell you anything than haven't before. What do you want to hear?

[Els]

Okay, I had to glance through your previous thread, but I think I get the gist of things.

 

Truth is, I don't think anyone here can help you, because I've been around for years and I don't think ANYONE here has an absolute requirement for a virgin partner. Sure there are people who don't mind or even prefer virgins, but a non-virgin isn't as big a deal to anyone here as it is to you.

 

So the way I see it, you have two options:

1) Get Christian counseling from a pastor or someone who shares your views

2) Reevaluate your views and accept that sex outside marriage isn't necessarily a bad thing

 

Although personally I would feel rather disgusted if my partner had had an affair with a married person as well, as yours did if I read your other thread correctly. But given that you seem more focused on the virgin issue than the affair issue, well... yeah, we're back to those two options.

 

(Also, are you a virgin by choice?)

[Selfish]

Okay, I had to glance through your previous thread, but I think I get the gist of things.

 

Truth is, I don't think anyone here can help you, because I've been around for years and I don't think ANYONE here has an absolute requirement for a virgin partner. Sure there are people who don't mind or even prefer virgins, but a non-virgin isn't as big a deal to anyone here as it is to you.

 

So the way I see it, you have two options:

1) Get Christian counseling from a pastor or someone who shares your views

2) Reevaluate your views and accept that sex outside marriage isn't necessarily a bad thing

 

Although personally I would feel rather disgusted if my partner had had an affair with a married person as well, as yours did if I read your other thread correctly. But given that you seem more focused on the virgin issue than the affair issue, well... yeah, we're back to those two options.

 

(Also, are you a virgin by choice?)

 

I think the thing is most christian religeons as i think the op is apart of believe in forgiveness. I really think this is about his view of her as tainted goods. Nothing any of us can say will change how he sees her. So hehas been told over and over to call the wedding off.

 

And yet it gets closer!

[stillafool]

OP, are you pure? If not, why is it big thing that she isn't? Did you ask her if she was a virgin when you first asked her out?

[Hope Shimmers]

Did you ask her if she was a virgin when you first asked her out?

 

He said in his previous threads that they did not discuss sex at all until they were engaged. So that would be a 'No'.

 

He also said he "assumed". She was a member of a very conservative church, etc.

[ChamomileWind]

So are you a pure virgin yourself? If not, then you have no rights to feel bad that she isn't.

[elaine567]

Also, she admitted still having feelings for the man that robbed me of her virginity.

 

^^^ this^^^

is the huge issue if you marry her, not that she is not "pure".

Anyone who still has feelings for another should not be getting married, full stop, as that is just asking for trouble

[newmoon]

..she admitted still having feelings for the man that robbed me of her virginity.

 

are we in the 15th century or something? yikes. you should probably just find another partner with a past you can live with. maybe find someone younger, someone who - perhaps - might be a virgin. lots of people from different cultures and religions wait. i work with a girl 37 (an armenian christian) who is still waiting to be married to have sex. i can't imagine you are in love and ready for marriage if you're this troubled.

[anika99]

She isn't going to magically not have a past. No one is going to tell you anything than haven't before. What do you want to hear?

 

OP I also wonder what answer it is that you are looking for? Why do you keep starting threads about this?

 

 

First of all this guy did not rob YOU of your finance's virginity. Her virginity never belonged to you, it belonged to her.

 

 

Secondly it's a big mistake for you to marry this girl. You have had months to come to terms with this and yet by reading the thread you started earlier this month you are still attacking and punishing her for her past.

 

 

If you are a virgin (which you are according to your previous threads) and you wish to marry a virgin that is fine. You have a right to want that and you should go chase that dream, but you don't have a right to punish this poor girl for something she did in her past before she ever even met you. What is the point of marrying someone who doesn't meet your standards and then being miserable and causing misery? Just accept that she is not the person for you and then go find the person that will meet your standards. It's the kindest thing you can do for both her and yourself.

 

 

Set this girl free.

[mightycpa]

So, I'm about to get married next month to the girl that I love.

Nice.

Only thing is that she is not pure.

Horrors!

Also, she admitted still having feelings for the man that robbed me of her virginity.

Actual horrors!

 

I have started two threads here describing our situation in detail, so I'll not go into that again. I just wanted to ask for advice on how to best cope with this pain.

Never marry a girl who has feelings for another man. You are asking for years of unhappiness, because she will idealize him and despise you because you're not him.

 

Also, if there are similar couples among you that have worked, please share.

I think the lack of purity works itself out, if you'll just stop thinking about it. The other thing is your real problem.

[chuckkarev]

OP I also wonder what answer it is that you are looking for? Why do you keep starting threads about this?

 

 

First of all this guy did not rob YOU of your finance's virginity. Her virginity never belonged to you, it belonged to her.

 

 

Secondly it's a big mistake for you to marry this girl. You have had months to come to terms with this and yet by reading the thread you started earlier this month you are still attacking and punishing her for her past.

 

 

If you are a virgin (which you are according to your previous threads) and you wish to marry a virgin that is fine. You have a right to want that and you should go chase that dream, but you don't have a right to punish this poor girl for something she did in her past before she ever even met you. What is the point of marrying someone who doesn't meet your standards and then being miserable and causing misery? Just accept that she is not the person for you and then go find the person that will meet your standards. It's the kindest thing you can do for both her and yourself.

 

 

Set this girl free.

 

 

Our pastor says that virginity DOES belong to our future spouse. Regardless of we are male or female. Any sexual relations outside of marriage equivalate to bringing a stranger to the conjugal bed every night .

I guess I just have to deal with it. My mistake for waiting until 26 to get married

[Noproblem]

I think getting married to someone who makes you feel uncomfortable is not a good idea

 

You think she is impure because she had sex

 

you will always regard her this way..

 

 

and then you will be stuck with her and she will be stuck with you

 

and then you will do another sin by getting a divorce

 

and it will take like 3 to 5 years to get over the divorce and get yourself a "pure girl"

 

which is hard to get since you are "impure"

yourself!

 

 

 

So, you can't get over this feeling because it was indoctrinated in your religion

and even if you left your religion, it will always haunt you..

 

 

Beside that, this girl still has feeling for the other guy, so the answer is really there...

 

You either postpone the marriage until you figure things out

 

or you call it off..

 

 

It's sad that some people let religions rub away their happiness, but this is how it work for billions of people on this earth

it's either religions, traditions, or money.

Edited February 22, 2015 by Noproblem

[dreamingoftigers]

Our pastor says that virginity DOES belong to our future spouse. Regardless of we are male or female. Any sexual relations outside of marriage equivalate to bringing a stranger to the conjugal bed every night .

I guess I just have to deal with it. My mistake for waiting until 26 to get married

 

This is a sad sad thing I had to realize as I got older.

 

 

When I was 17 I had a bf, (lost virg)

I had another one shortly after (only one night of "activities" during the whole relationship).

 

 

I became a Christian at 19. Which was just....ugh .... when it came to dating because..............

 

 

I WAS NOT a virgin. I had not grown up in a practicing Christian home, so all of a sudden I was dating and meeting people whose sexual standards I had conformed to BUT..... wait for it.......... I was still not accepted by them due to my "lack of purity."

 

 

The stigma came with me even though I joined the Mormon church at 20. My first boyfriend there was bothered by it a great deal being 25 and a virgin still himself.

 

 

So, great. I waited four years until I met my husband, who was also "impure."

 

 

Were we strangers in the marital bed. No we weren't.

By the way, the memories of sex fade out over time. Sex is also a horrible way to stabilize and regulate a relationship.

 

 

I should clarify....I can remember the "technicalities" of sex with my first partners etc. and the way I felt at the time. But there isn't any "thrill" to them. No "special beholding" of these memories. In fact, until this thread I haven't even really thought about it in years. They fade.

 

 

And they fade because those relationships die out and become a part of "long ago." Not a relationship that had deep context like a marriage. Not the sex and love of commitment that is very freeing as much as it is bonding. Not an on-going part of you that your brain keeps alive. Not something that you invest your spirit in.

 

 

Clearly your fiancé is not past the part where the context of the relationship is more like a film that happened to someone awhile ago. It's still fresh, and you don't have anywhere near (yet) the coping skills and experience to deal with this kind of baggage.

 

 

I have no idea why some Christian young men are capable of living most of the lifestyle, short of the forgiving and redemption part.

 

 

I wanted to marry someone that didn't have a lot of experience (like myself) but I married someone that had far more. Yes, it aroused insecurity in me, but it didn't rule over the relationship and I was able to put it in context.

[dreamingoftigers]

Our pastor says that virginity DOES belong to our future spouse. Regardless of we are male or female. Any sexual relations outside of marriage equivalate to bringing a stranger to the conjugal bed every night .

I guess I just have to deal with it. My mistake for waiting until 26 to get married

 

Well my bible says "Do not judge, and you will not be judged. Do not condemn, and you will not be condemned. Forgive, and you will be forgiven. Give, and it will be given to you. A good measure, pressed down, shaken together and running over, will be poured into your lap. For with the measure you use, it will be measured to you."

 

 

and just for fun:

 

 

When they kept on questioning him, he straightened up and said to them, "Let any one of you who is without sin be the first to throw a stone at her."

 

 

So is your pastor encouraging YOU to keep YOUR virginity for your future spouse, or is he is casting stones at your fiancé.

 

 

Context here is important.

[dreamingoftigers]

Second of all,

 

 

I didn't empathize with you at all, so I apologize.

 

 

I actually get it.

 

 

I get the pain. Where you feel like the one that you care for is kind of "tainted" or almost "tagged" by someone else.

 

 

People are not the same as photos.

 

 

The other man does not own her in any long-term meaningful way, except to either become, or already has become a regret or mistake of sorts.

 

 

I doubt at this point, with all of the time elapsed, and with your relationship being what it is, that she pines for him.

 

 

You said in your other threads that you suspected she has feelings for him still. Have you brought this up to her? Have you brought up how it makes you feel? If so, what has she said?

 

 

Most people, when they exit from a relationship of sorts, wish to leave it behind them, pronto. She refused him and did not want to marry him. Then she later blocked him Right?

 

 

None of this says to me that she feels tagged, or owned by him and the fact that you both cried when she told you, tells me that she wanted to cleanse herself of the guilt and shame she felt over it. She didn't want to marry you with this secret on her conscience. She wasn't going to lie to you and screw you over.

 

 

She wants something better for herself, clearly. She is waiting for marriage now. She reclaimed her moral ground and is practicing what she prays here. As someone who came into the active Christian game late, I can tell you that facing a past is very challenging, and often shameful. She probably had not even come to grips with the full extent of the damage it caused her to lose the v-card until she met you. And now she can't undo it. That's where forgiveness comes in.

 

 

It's going to be a hard thing to understand because you haven't screwed up, to that degree sexually........yet.

 

 

Sadly enough, one thing I have learned as I got older is that you never know for sure what you will never do. You can have morals of all sorts fall away very quickly if you aren't doing the work to maintain them. I have seen it time and time again. Families that seem to have it all together, dissolving due to errant ways.

 

 

My overall point is that this married guy has no hold on her, other than the one it places on you. Chances are she's so far past it that you see it and think on it far more than she does. And truly, I totally understand that and had the same experience with my husband. I thought about who he might be thinking about and what they did a heck of a lot until we built up more of our own history together.

[autumnnight]

My husband and I were both virgins when we married. I understand why this is important to you.

 

That said, please read I John 1:9 and the parable of the unmericiful servant and take it to heart.

 

OR

 

Please don't marry this woman and sentence her to a life of judgment.

 

You are not being like Jesus, you are being like a Pharisee.

[ChamomileWind]

Since it's very important to you and you are after all a virgin waiting till marriage then you might want to reconsider marrying her.

 

 

If you end up marrying her, that's the point you can't bring her past back anymore.

[redtail]

I really can not understand all the fuss personally, as for me, let Captain Kirk go where no man has gone before. Experience of all sorts makes a partner more appreciative of what they have, not less.

 

As usual, your mileage may vary, good luck.

[CrystalShine2011]

If it makes you so uncomfortable perhaps she isn't the right one for you?

[bubbaganoosh]

Boy it must be nice to walk on water. You say she isn't pure because some guy robbed her of her virginity. Come on man. He didn't rob her, No guns or violence, no blackmail either.

 

Suppose she retained her virgin status and by chance saw a good looking guy and got a evil thought or two. She still pure in your eyes or isn't she allowed to get those private thoughts?

 

What you want is a machine. Sorry friend she's flesh and blood.

[stillmind]

I don't share your views but you shouldn't marry someone who disgusts you, period, the end. It's not fair to her.

[HereNorThere]

If she isn't a virgin, I definitely would at least ask for one of the cows back that you traded her father for.

 

Wtf kind of world are you living in, seriously? Honestly, virginity isn't even a real thing. It's a concept made up by a bunch of sheep herders who thought there was a magic guy in the sky who watched them masturbate and judged them for it. Until you wake and see the world and life for what it is, you'll never get passed it.

 

If you want to be religious, don't be Christian, be Christ like. I can assure you that if Jesus is real, he thinks lower of you than he does her. Look at you being judgy and shaming her for being human and having a past. Look at you holding her to a different standard than you hold yourself. If Jesus can forgive her, why can't you?

[autumnnight]

some guy robbed her of her virginity

 

Actually he said some guy robbed her of HIS virginity - as in, her virginity belonged to him. I bet I know exactly which denomination this is and which guru teacher this stuff comes from......and let's just say it takes a long time have 19 kids

[bathtub-row]

If she still has feelings for someone else, then you're making a mistake by marrying her, and she's making a mistake by marrying you. Secondly, you're probably not going to get over this idea that somehow HER virginity belongs to YOU, and you'll probably continually be angered by the fact that she has previously had sex with someone else. I say go find Snow White, and possibly try to disengage yourself from this dangerously close-minded, chauvinistic attitude you have, all in the name of religion.