Struggling inside with marriage

[contact1]

The past 6 months have been a real toll on my marriage and I fear it may be coming to an end on my end. As of late, our child has just been a total nightmare, to say it nicely, and it has been such a HUGE stress factor in our lives. It has hit me much harder as I am the one primarily taking care of him due to how our work schedules are. My wife works full time, while I go to school and work from home at night when he sleeps. During my school time, he goes to daycare, so it is mostly up to me to be watching over him. We love him to death but wow does he know how to push our button.

 

Anyway, the above isn't the exact key factor here in what I am struggling with, it more so lies on my wife. For the many years we have been together, it has always been somewhat difficult to express, umm I guess you can call it emotional concerns or struggles, for lack of a better word, to her. It will either go in two ways, she would 1) not really say anything in response or assurance, as if she doesn't know what to say, or 2) she will somehow turn it about herself and completely neglect the fact that it was on me expressing. I will give an example of each one:

 

1) There was a time when I was having some difficultly finding a job (during the great recession) and I was essentially just trying to vent and express how hard it felt not being able to work and such. She just stood there staring not really knowing what to say, and the subject eventually just got changed to something else.

 

2) In relation to our son, if I ever try to express frustration with taking care of him, she will quickly turn it around about herself saying "well it's hard on me also" and will just go on about all the things of that and work and family (her family side) etc, essentially I get pushed out of the equation.

 

I get that it is hard on her too, but the issue is she is always venting and expressing frustration, and I actually take the time to listen, provide comfort by telling her things will be alright, and give advice when she asks for it. But when it is on the other side for myself, nothing. It is also like those times when she is silent and doesn't say anything, I sometimes feel like she doesn't like seeing this side of struggle on my part, as if I am suppose to always have everything under control and in check.

 

About a month ago she said something that really made me snap inside, even as I write it here it makes burn inside. I don't remember what exactly had happened but it was in relation to our son and she made the commend "You obviously were not ready for children, you shouldn't have wanted one so soon if that was the case" and that just, ugghg, it just makes me soooooo mad she would say that. It angers me so much because she was the one to have pushed to have a child much earlier than what we had originally discussed.

 

Before when we were discussing having a child in our future, I had made it very clear that I wanted to wait until I had finish my schoolwork, because having a child puts on a lot of responsibilities. At first she had said she was fine with it, but over time she kept pushing for it to be sooner, bringing up that waiting longer increases health risks of pregnancy and her not liking the side effect of birth control, etc. Eventually I went along with it and we had our child. The original expectation was I could still work and do school as normal, and we would have the grandparents from both sides watch over him when needed. Well that plan fell hard due to family conflicts I will not get into on this post, but essentially I had to quit my job just to go to school and find some other form of work that could work with watching our child.

 

I had never resented the decision of having our child sooner, because I had agreed to it. But for her to make that comment, it really cut me deeply to where resentment is building up now. I care for my wife a lot, but at some point it now feels like I do not love her anymore. She is a good woman, and does a lot for the family, but when it comes to that emotional comfort, it just isn't there and I'm starting to drown because of this.

 

Even when I would talk about my plans of following a certain career path (my original one of going into the medical field) rather than saying "I'm sure you can do it" or "I'm here to support you", I would get it "what are you going to do it you don't make it" and I would just be dumbfounded by the comment.

 

We had a talk a few nights ago in regards to the why I had seemed like I was so down as of late and it lead to trying to find a marriage counselor that "I" could go see. She had told me "I" needed to figure this out because it could cause our marriage to end if it kept going. I just don't know, her emphasizing that "I" or "you" rather part just reinforced the notion of no emotional support, that it is my problem and not ours as a married couple.

 

I want to stress more than anything that I love my son so dearly and do not place any blame whatsoever on him, it is not him that I am struggling with. Kids are hard, I get that, and he stress the hell out of me sometimes, but I do not put blame on him for this, he is just 3 years old. It is just the byproduct of being able to find some relive of the stress and the actions of my wife that are really getting me to question if I even want to continue in this marriage. Like I said she is a good woman and an excellent mother, but such a very poor emotional partner. Any insight or advice on this would be great, thank you.

[xxoo]

My first thought is, how would it improve anything to divorce? You'd still have the kid responsibilities and it might be harder to do the career shift as a single parent.

 

Do you feel in love with her? How's the intimacy? Is there a strong connection, hugs, kisses, etc?

 

The communication issues you name seem like things that are perfect for marriage counseling. Insist that she goes with you. Go ahead and find a therapist, schedule an appt, clear the time with her, put it on the family calendar, and arrange babysitting. No excuses!

[contact1]

My first thought is, how would it improve anything to divorce? You'd still have the kid responsibilities and it might be harder to do the career shift as a single parent.

 

Well as I stated several times in my post, the main issue here isn't my child, it's the lack of being unable to feel support from my spouse. Yes obviously if separation were to occur I would still have the responsibilities of my child, I would not abandon him. As far as the career shift I am almost done with school, so that would not be a factor anymore.

 

Do you feel in love with her? How's the intimacy? Is there a strong connection, hugs, kisses, etc?

 

I don't know if I still do, I care for her dearly, but I question if I am still in love with her. Intimacy has been consistent throughout the whole marriage and past. It did slow down slightly due to having a child, but not like a only once a year type deal.

 

I'm not sure about the strong connection, she's never been the type of woman to be, umm touchy feely, I really don't know how to put it in words. We do kiss when going to bed and when we have to leave from one another. Oh hugging, I'm having a hard time to remember when that last happened, I know it does but it is fairly rare. When we go out on our own (child being watched) we do hold hands when walking together, but like I said, she's not a very touching type of person, like at movies we just sit with one another, it annoys her if I put my arm around her or she doesn't lay her head on my shoulder, that type of thing. It has always been this way.

 

The communication issues you name seem like things that are perfect for marriage counseling. Insist that she goes with you. Go ahead and find a therapist, schedule an appt, clear the time with her, put it on the family calendar, and arrange babysitting. No excuses!

 

I agree, that is something that I do want to happen, that the two of us go to the counseling. She gets very defensive though when any kind of "critique" is brought to her attention, and I already know she won't like the idea but it is the right step and I will bring it up to her once I can locate a therapist. If she refuses or argues against, than I'm not sure, I'll still go but if it isn't addressed with both of us, I'm not sure what it will lead to.

[Mr. Lucky]

The communication issues you name seem like things that are perfect for marriage counseling. Insist that she goes with you. Go ahead and find a therapist, schedule an appt, clear the time with her, put it on the family calendar, and arrange babysitting. No excuses!

 

Great advice. OP, much of what you write reminds me of my first wife. Many - at times myself included - considered her cold and uncaring because her lack of empathetic response seemed deliberate. Turns out she was raised in a family that simply didn't share those kinds of feelings and she never broke those bonds. I literally begged for MC but she was so afraid of the challenge that she wouldn't go. Eventually, I felt so angry and cut off from her that I simply avoided her, not a recipe for marital success. She sought the company of others and divorce followed.

 

I eventually remarried to a woman that couldn't be more different and, trust me, emotionally it's like stepping from the dark into the light. Sounds like there's still time for you but much work to be done. I wouldn't take no for an answer...

 

Mr. Lucky

[contact1]

Great advice. OP, much of what you write reminds me of my first wife. Many - at times myself included - considered her cold and uncaring because her lack of empathetic response seemed deliberate. Turns out she was raised in a family that simply didn't share those kinds of feelings and she never broke those bonds. I literally begged for MC but she was so afraid of the challenge that she wouldn't go. Eventually, I felt so angry and cut off from her that I simply avoided her, not a recipe for marital success. She sought the company of others and divorce followed.

 

I eventually remarried to a woman that couldn't be more different and, trust me, emotionally it's like stepping from the dark into the light. Sounds like there's still time for you but much work to be done. I wouldn't take no for an answer...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

Thank you lucky, what you said tunes into me on what is going on and I agree that it is not too late for us. Once I can locate someone we can talk to, I will be bringing up that I would rather the two of us go and not just myself for our marriage. I just hope I can get her to go along with it, I already know it will be a struggle but I can't take a no in this situation.

[dichotomy]

Much of what you seem to struggle with is your wifes core personality (she has always been a bit cold). Its not like things changed for the worse over your marriage. I am not sure that therapy will help a whole lot on this, but you can try.

 

Think very clearly on what you expect to gain from divorce - what you will get and loose. Then choose whats best for you and your child.

 

My two cents, you were (are) to young to have a child, or perhaps its not your life goal?

[Realist3]

Much of what you seem to struggle with is your wifes core personality (she has always been a bit cold). Its not like things changed for the worse over your marriage. I am not sure that therapy will help a whole lot on this, but you can try.

 

Think very clearly on what you expect to gain from divorce - what you will get and loose. Then choose whats best for you and your child.

 

My two cents, you were (are) to young to have a child, or perhaps its not your life goal?

 

 

This nails it. She has always been this way, and obviously with your struggles you wish she could offer you the support you desire, but it is just not her personality. You are expecting her to change for you and it is creating resentment. You have to accept that this will not happen.

 

Have the two of you discussed the path forward after you finish school? How will you raise your child? Will she be more active, or will you be a stay at home dad?

 

Divorce now would seem to just exacerbate your problems, IMO. Finish school, and then see how things go. After that you can make a decision about how you want to proceed.

[xxoo]

Well as I stated several times in my post, the main issue here isn't my child, it's the lack of being unable to feel support from my spouse. .

 

But if you leave, that won't bring you support you are currently missing and wanting. You'll still have all the same responsibilities, and even less support.

 

What I think marriage counseling would do is clarify things. Does she care and not show it successfully? Does she not care? If she cares, can you two, together, learn to communicate more effectively? What is she feeling when she goes silent?

 

My H does the silent thing when I come to him with concerns, and it bothered me a whole lot more in the earlier years of our marriage. We've managed to figure out ways to communicate nonetheless. My understanding changed. With that, my expectations and my responses changed. And then our communication changed.

[Mint Sauce]

But if you leave, that won't bring you support you are currently missing and wanting. You'll still have all the same responsibilities, and even less support.

 

I don't agree. Leaving his wife opens the perspective of finding someone else, who does provide emotional support the way he needs it. It avoids the (imo high) risk of him finding himself involved in an emotional affair, turning into a full physical affair, some years down the road.

 

That said, I do agree that it is possible his wife does care, but fails to communicate that properly. My advice would be to be less passive, and to insist forcefully on MC. As Mr Lucky said: don't take no for an answer. Take ownership of your marriage.

[xxoo]

I don't agree. Leaving his wife opens the perspective of finding someone else, who does provide emotional support the way he needs it.

 

Yes, I get that. I was thinking more in the immediate sense and hoping to switch his perspective a bit from leaving to working on the communication and appreciating the ways the relationship does currently support him.

 

Perspective can make a difference in satisfaction. I know it has for me.

[stillmind]

I was raised in a no-touching family and my husband is a cuddler. It took a few years for him to really communicate how important it was to him. I have grown to like cuddling and touch much more. I make a conscious effort to be cuddly now, it's not my instinct to be a touchy person but I make the effort and I enjoy it.

 

Try for counseling!!! Seriously. Sometimes us cold people can change for the cuddlier. Don't assume she's a lost cause until you try.

[Quiet Storm]

When you have little kids, you both make sacrifices. It sounds like you both are struggling, busy and overwhelmed, which are very common issues in young families.

 

You feel neglected by your wife, and while you do make valid points, I think you should be more understanding that your emotions are not her primary focus at this time. It doesn't mean it will never get better. This is only one chapter of a long life together.

 

When our kids were little, my husband had a touch of "feeling neglected" by me, and I have to tell you that when kids are crying, work has to be done, dinner must be made, dogs must be walked... I felt so emotionally drained that taking care of him emotionally was just not on my radar. She probably feels like she is sucking it up, why can't you? Parents do a lot for their homes and kids and are always expected to keep a smile on their face. We all "fake it till we make it" to some extent. We hate cleaning up puke at 3 am but still do it and manage to be comforting and tender to our child while simultaneously thinking "OMG, GROSS!!! I just want some undisturbed sleep for once!" With you, she probably wants to just "be", with no demands or expectations. Complaints just feel like something else she must fix, another thing to overwhelm her.

 

However, I think you should voice your expectations clearly to your wife. If you are feeling so bad that you are considering leaving the marriage, say that. She may not realize how dire the situation is.

 

It sounds like both of you are overwhelmed with putting their kids & household needs first. So it's not like she is purposely neglecting you. She is just overwhelmed emotionally. If you have a difficult child, it can be very emotionally draining. All her emotional energy is getting used up on your child. So it's up to you to tell her, "I need this from you. I need you to listen and give me emotional support. I don't feel close to you anymore. We are putting too much of our emotional energy into our son, and we are neglecting each other emotionally. I need to feel connected to you"

 

Having a family with small kids is hard work. A couple does need "couple time" in order to keep their connection strong. However, marriages ebb & flow, and have good times & bad. The "for better for worse" vow is designed to keep couples together through times like this. Because it won't be like this forever. Good times will come again.

 

Now our kids are 10, 12 and 18 and we have plenty of time for each other. Things aren't as hectic. Many of the chores that had us stressed a decade ago have been delegated to our three kids. Bedtime is smooth. They don't look for us to entertain them. We have a calm home and enjoy each other's company. We have a happy family.

 

If either of us had given up during those tough times, it would have robbed our kids of the intact family they deserve, and it would have been a tragedy for all of us.

[contact1]

When you have little kids, you both make sacrifices. It sounds like you both are struggling, busy and overwhelmed, which are very common issues in young families.

 

You feel neglected by your wife, and while you do make valid points, I think you should be more understanding that your emotions are not her primary focus at this time. It doesn't mean it will never get better. This is only one chapter of a long life together.

 

When our kids were little, my husband had a touch of "feeling neglected" by me, and I have to tell you that when kids are crying, work has to be done, dinner must be made, dogs must be walked... I felt so emotionally drained that taking care of him emotionally was just not on my radar. She probably feels like she is sucking it up, why can't you? Parents do a lot for their homes and kids and are always expected to keep a smile on their face. We all "fake it till we make it" to some extent. We hate cleaning up puke at 3 am but still do it and manage to be comforting and tender to our child while simultaneously thinking "OMG, GROSS!!! I just want some undisturbed sleep for once!" With you, she probably wants to just "be", with no demands or expectations. Complaints just feel like something else she must fix, another thing to overwhelm her.

 

However, I think you should voice your expectations clearly to your wife. If you are feeling so bad that you are considering leaving the marriage, say that. She may not realize how dire the situation is.

 

It sounds like both of you are overwhelmed with putting their kids & household needs first. So it's not like she is purposely neglecting you. She is just overwhelmed emotionally. If you have a difficult child, it can be very emotionally draining. All her emotional energy is getting used up on your child. So it's up to you to tell her, "I need this from you. I need you to listen and give me emotional support. I don't feel close to you anymore. We are putting too much of our emotional energy into our son, and we are neglecting each other emotionally. I need to feel connected to you"

 

Having a family with small kids is hard work. A couple does need "couple time" in order to keep their connection strong. However, marriages ebb & flow, and have good times & bad. The "for better for worse" vow is designed to keep couples together through times like this. Because it won't be like this forever. Good times will come again.

 

Now our kids are 10, 12 and 18 and we have plenty of time for each other. Things aren't as hectic. Many of the chores that had us stressed a decade ago have been delegated to our three kids. Bedtime is smooth. They don't look for us to entertain them. We have a calm home and enjoy each other's company. We have a happy family.

 

If either of us had given up during those tough times, it would have robbed our kids of the intact family they deserve, and it would have been a tragedy for all of us.

 

Thank you QS, your post was very touching and informative on the matter. I get that my emotions are not the top priority, our child is, there is no question on that. However I think one of the previous posters really hit it about it being her core personally (dichotomy I believe) in that it has always been this way. Before in that time I just came to accept how it was and figured I would fine, but I am starting to realize that I am not fine with how it is and can't see myself going through it for the next 30, 40, or 50 years of our lives like this.

 

So yes to me this is really important for just my sanity and well being. I am not planning to just up and leave, I want this marriage to work, not just for our child but for us also. With the holidays coming up so soon I think I may just wait till after all the gift giving and big family interactions is done with to have a very serious discussion about this. In the mean time I will do my best to stay cheerful and try to make things as stress free as possible for all us.

[contact1]

 

Have the two of you discussed the path forward after you finish school? How will you raise your child? Will she be more active, or will you be a stay at home dad?

 

To answer this, the plan is when I finish schooling (just one more semester left!) and obtain a job, we would be building up our savings first and she would transition to working less hours, for both watching our child and also she wants to be able to go back to school herself to finish obtaining her bachelor's degree. She had looks at some programs she could do online from home, so it wouldn't be as time consuming as it is for her, where I have to be at the actual university.

[Quiet Storm]

Thank you QS, your post was very touching and informative on the matter. I get that my emotions are not the top priority, our child is, there is no question on that. However I think one of the previous posters really hit it about it being her core personally (dichotomy I believe) in that it has always been this way. Before in that time I just came to accept how it was and figured I would fine, but I am starting to realize that I am not fine with how it is and can't see myself going through it for the next 30, 40, or 50 years of our lives like this.

 

So yes to me this is really important for just my sanity and well being. I am not planning to just up and leave, I want this marriage to work, not just for our child but for us also. With the holidays coming up so soon I think I may just wait till after all the gift giving and big family interactions is done with to have a very serious discussion about this. In the mean time I will do my best to stay cheerful and try to make things as stress free as possible for all us.

 

Get the books "His Needs, Her Needs" and "The Five Love Languages". Your wife may just be a naturally unexpressive person and doesn't realize that you have different needs than her. Her heart may be filled with love for you, but she just doesn't feel comfortable showing it. This is often related to family of origin issues, but it's something that can be fixed. Marriage counseling is very successful dealing with these kinds of problems. In addition, the books I mentioned above are good at making a spouse stop & think "OK, I feel loved by him when he does things for me like warm up my car and carry the groceries BUT he feels loved by me when I give him lots of affection and compliments". Some people are just emotionally stunted, but it's a workable problem. When she does demonstrate care & concern for you, respond positively and do something for her in her "love language". Just try to be patient because you both have a lot on your plate right now. It won't be an overnight change, but a slow evolution.

[Realist3]

OP, read through these and see if any of them hit home.

 

16 Things Unemotional Women Will Understand | Thought Catalog

[contact1]

OP, read through these and see if any of them hit home.

 

16 Things Unemotional Women Will Understand | Thought Catalog

 

Hmm not really, maybe one or two may relate somewhat but they are very far off of what my wife is like.

[contact1]

Get the books "His Needs, Her Needs" and "The Five Love Languages". Your wife may just be a naturally unexpressive person and doesn't realize that you have different needs than her. Her heart may be filled with love for you, but she just doesn't feel comfortable showing it. This is often related to family of origin issues, but it's something that can be fixed. Marriage counseling is very successful dealing with these kinds of problems. In addition, the books I mentioned above are good at making a spouse stop & think "OK, I feel loved by him when he does things for me like warm up my car and carry the groceries BUT he feels loved by me when I give him lots of affection and compliments". Some people are just emotionally stunted, but it's a workable problem. When she does demonstrate care & concern for you, respond positively and do something for her in her "love language". Just try to be patient because you both have a lot on your plate right now. It won't be an overnight change, but a slow evolution.

 

I will look into those, thanks!

[contact1]

I've just come to the sad realization that it is very likely I am experiencing GIGS. It hit me over the course of the last two nights. The first was when I was watching a TV show in where a man was on about trying to find a date, and it got me fantasying about dating again, going through the experience of meeting new people, having adventures and new encounters, not knowing how it would turn up.

 

It got worse the second night. After our child was asleep, I had the urge to have sex and did so with my wife. But the entire time, I kept fantasying she was someone else, someone I had just met. And it wasn't in the sense that I was having an affair, rather that I was single, free of marriage, and now exploring new possibilities. A woman I had been getting to know, completely different from my wife.

 

It was just awful, I feel awful. I had never done anything like that before and it is just starting to seep into my mind further. It is making me feel trapped and I hate it, I hate it so much. It was never suppose to be this way and I am scared that I won't be able to make it go away. And the worst of it all is I don't even know how to explain this to my wife, how can I open up about this, that I am wanting to leave, to explore other women, and that I am now fantasying about being with other women because she isn't what I want. I am at such a lost, because I can't even explain it to myself anymore as to why this is happening.

 

The only thing I can think of is I really need to see someone to discuss this further, but given what I have read about GIGS, there is no logic behind it and that frightens me, because my way of thinking is very logically dependent. I'm not looking for answers because I don't believe there are any here, this is more of a vent in frustration and maybe a record that I can look back at that would help me along. Of course any opinions and inputs are welcomed on the matter, I'm just going to go lie down now and try to sleep, my mind is just racing and it is starting to hurt.

[bathtub-row]

First of all, your son is too old to be considered a nightmare. I'd advise you to get him under control now before it's too late. I get it that children can be rough but his behavior shouldn't be that bad at this age. He sounds spoiled and undisciplined. Believe me when I tell you that if you don't get a handle on this now, there will come a point where you've lost all control with your child. Please do not ever forget that children crave and need discipline and guidance. If you deprive him of that, it will be bad for everyone concerned.

 

I think the others are right about your wife. I think, by nature, she's cold and that's very unlikely to change. Plus, she apparently likes to re-write history by criticizing you about agreeing to having a child. For the life of me, I will never understand why people dive into parenthood so quickly. I see it all the time and I'm astounded by it. I would tell anyone to wait until you're more settled in your career, home and life before going down that path. Despite all that, it's done and it sounds like you're mostly on board with it. It's unlikely that you'll ever get emotional support from your wife but I would insist that she go with you to counseling. That way, if you do decide to leave her, she'll know why.

[Mr. Lucky]

After our child was asleep, I had the urge to have sex and did so with my wife.

 

I wonder how revealing your phrasing is ? You don't mention anything about her, your attraction to her or wanting to make love to her as an expression of your feelings.

 

Just that you had the "urge", she happened to be there. I'd guess that, on some level, your wife senses how you feel and some of the distance you feel is her reaction to it.

 

I'd just suggest you look as closely at your role in marital issues as you do at hers...

 

Mr. Lucky

[xxoo]

The fantasy is a fantasy. Much ado about nothing! Everyone has fantasies from time to time. Of course it is fun to fantasize about sex for the first time with a new partner.

 

It becomes a problem when you confuse fantasy with reality. Do you really want a new partner? New dating partners of mommy and daddy in your child's life? Blended families? Split custody? All so that you can get bored of sex with the new person?

 

This is why role play is a marital game as old as dirt. Share with you wife. It will bond you to play together and enjoy together. And then you'll want to have that connecting lovemaking again, because you'll appreciate her more.

[Rainbowlove]

This is in no way putting blame on you, but you ultimately are responsible for your own happiness and well-being, ya know?

 

Your wife doesn't say the "right" words and you "see" it as unsupportive or unemotional.

 

Tell her what you need from her. Tell her what's missing from the emotional disconnect. Tell her how it makes you feel when she says "X" instead of "Y".

 

Be heard. Don't expect her to "know" what to say to make "you" feel better.

 

Marriage and family life gets, as you know, chaotic. You are only looking at what's missing inside of "you" and you expect your wife to fill it, but her words only hold so much weight.

 

I suspect, you are feeling a little inadequate perhaps bc of your current work and educational pursuits and you are looking for her to validate you and for her approval.

 

Speak to her openly. I think counseling would do you both good. Work on it.

[Els]

I'm sorry you're going through this, contact. I don't have children myself, and I can only imagine the sort of stress a couple would go through - having a child while going to school while still keeping the finances above water and a relationship going. I think it's great that both of you are trying to work things through, and that you're analyzing why you're feeling this way and are open to counseling.

 

I don't have much to add to Quiet Storm's and xxoo's great advice, but I do hope the two of you manage to work through this. All the best!

[contact1]

I'm sorry you're going through this, contact. I don't have children myself, and I can only imagine the sort of stress a couple would go through - having a child while going to school while still keeping the finances above water and a relationship going. I think it's great that both of you are trying to work things through, and that you're analyzing why you're feeling this way and are open to counseling.

 

I don't have much to add to Quiet Storm's and xxoo's great advice, but I do hope the two of you manage to work through this. All the best!

 

Thank you Elswyth, I appreciate the support