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Wife not interested in sex any more. Need Avice.


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Old 31st May 2004, 1:30 PM   #1
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Wife not interested in sex any more. Need Avice.

Well, me and my wife are 31 with 3 kids. After the 2nd kid my wife was less eager to have sex with me. After my 3rd kid was born the sex came to almost a stop. Every time I touch here to get her in the mood it's like she pushes me away. When we talk about sex she always claims well I'm right there for you. But in all fairness she's not there for me. I don't know when to make a move and when not to. I'm afraid that went I make a move she'll push me away. When she pushes me away I feel rejected. I told her how I felt when she pushes me away and she says "I don't push you away, I'm just tired" I understand that she gets tired but it seems like every time I want to fool around she's is more tired then when I don't want to fool around.

I really feel unattracted when she pushes me away. I also told her that and she responds with "honey I love you and you're not unattracted." I know she put on a little weight after the last baby and I tell her how pretty she is. I also tell her she's so sexy. She knows I mean that also. So anyone got any advice?
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Old 31st May 2004, 5:56 PM   #2
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I'm sure you're the sexy beast she fell in love with. You two just have a lot on your plates right now. So try not to take this personally -- it's not about her lack of desire for you, but a lack of desire period. She's spending all her energy right now just keeping things going. Help her to find some ways to recharge her emotional batteries. This from a mother who has a toddler in the house full time _and_ works full time -- believe me, I've been in her shoes.

How about doing some stuff to physically reconnect without the pressure of sex? Give her a massage. Then, don't push it any further. Lay together and hold her while she talks about her pressures, etc. Be sympathetic. Let her know that you'd like to get closer, but tell her it's up to her to give you a clear signal. Let her know this is out of love and respect for her.

Start doing some little romantic gestures -- like a surprise piece of jewelry (or something she likes -- doesn't have to be expensive, just something you'd give a pretty girl you had a crush on), night out to dinner without the kids (you arrange the babysitter), an afternoon at the spa for her while you watch the kids. Again, with no pressure for sex -- just to be nice.

Pack a picnic lunch and take her and the kids to the park. Bring along a mixtape with silly love songs. Make her laugh. Again, no pressure. You know -- reconnect on an emotional level with her. That will make her feel better about herself, not just about the two of you, which she says is fine (and from the way she says it, I believe her).

Also ask her what she's missing about herself as she used to be, before the kids, pressures, etc. and try to find some way that, for an hour a day, she can get that back, whether it's a pottery class, dancing to the stereo, going to visit with girlfriends, whatever.

Sex will follow once she feels alive inside again and reconnected with you. From what she's telling you, I think she's more than physically tired. She loves you and will want you again, but just feels emotionally drained. For women, sex starts in the head and heart. This is a symptom of something that's happened inside her -- not necessarily between the two of you.


-- uriel
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Old 31st May 2004, 6:01 PM   #3
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Gosh, this is such a common problem, and I think there are probably a lot of factors involved, and I think they may somewhat different in each situation. My husband and I had this same problem for quite a long time. I recently have gotten my libido back, and I think a few different things contributed to this.

First of all, I was depressed due to a severe problem with one of my children. I went to counseling, and started taking an anti-depressant. I think this was the biggest factor for me. Another thing that happened, was I lost the weight I had gained when pregnant with my children. The last thing, and this is another biggie, was I started seeing myself as a sexual person again, and not just a Mom. I just started taking my sexuality, and marriage, seriously. Trying to dress a little more sexy, instead of sweats all the time. I got some pretty underwear, instead of granny panties, and some pretty nighties. I also started to think about, and discuss with my husband, different ways I could be more sexually fulfilled in our sexual relationship.

My husband has said he feels like he has a new wife now. I think the major thing was just starting to feel good about myself and my life again. It is so hard when you have very small children, who are basically on top of you all day. I know when it came time for bed, not only was I exhausted, but I was so relieved to not have anyone touching me or calling Mommy. I just wanted to lay down by myself, and maybe read a book for a minute, or sometimes just sleep.

I was reading just yesterday, some good information on <removed> about this very subject. It is in the questions section of the site. I think maybe if you could get a baby sitter for the kids, and take your wife out somewhere, and have a frank discussion about this, it would really help. Realize that you may have to work a little harder in fulfilling a need of your wife's, maybe helping out more, or conversing more, in order to get her to work harder at fulfilling your sexual needs.

Do some reading on marriagebuilders.com, and then set a time to talk to your wife. Also, I have seen a few recommendations on this site for a book called "The Sex Starved Marriage", that addresses this issue, I have not read it however.

Good luck to you, and don't give up, I think there is a solution to your problem with a little work.

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Old 31st May 2004, 11:07 PM   #4
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Thanks uriel. Just to clear a little air here. She don't take care of the kids When they get home from school I tend to them. I also give here a massage every other night (sometimes every night) . I bought her a new ring a few days ago and I got into a little trouble for it. She said she's not into that and she always told me that. As for the mix tape, I played the one I made when we first started to date. We go to the park every weekend with the kids to let them burn off a lot of steam. Now we haven't had a picnic lately but I did take her out to eat a nice steak house for lunch one day. I even cook dinner for her and the kids every night. Believe it or not I like to cook.
My wife says she feels fat after having the kids and I try so hard to make her feel sexy and pretty but I don't think it works.

Thanks Matilda. I'll do some reading on that site you suggested.
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Old 1st June 2004, 1:55 AM   #5
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What I'm trying to say isn't that you're not romancing her enough or doing your share. What I'm getting at is the same thing as Matilda. Your wife is emotionally drained. It has to do with how she feels about herself and what her life is giving back to her right now.

Maybe she does feel unattractive because of the baby fat. Maybe she also has lost touch with whatever makes her spark -- hobbies, friends, ambitions, whatever.

It's that sense of herself and her vitality that she needs to get back. I was suggesting your treating her as apparently you already do as one way of helping to reinforce her sense of self-esteem. If that's not doing it, then it's really about some other connection she needs to make.

-- uriel
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Old 1st June 2004, 8:48 AM   #6
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Thanks. I understand.
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Old 20th June 2004, 11:28 AM   #7
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This advice has helped me a lot, I'm going through this in my marriage, but it is me who doesnt want to have sex
with my husband. He feels like I am pushing him away, and he has a very big sex drive. We have recently been arguing about it a lot. I'm starting to feel like maybe I should go and see a doctor about it If I dont I'm afraid I
might lose my marriage
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Old 29th June 2004, 2:06 AM   #8
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I have a response for both Slick and you Maddy...

I just went through this with my husband, and it is hard. Yes, you could romance her, shower her with attention and if it works, wonderful. It did not work for my husband. I did not realize how important it was to my husband for us to have sex. I could not understand because it had become so routine and just boring. He did not talk to me about it....he yelled about it, and he would sulk about it and we would fight about it, but by the time it was "talked" about, I was not listening.

Now, I am not the only one to blame here though either. I needed the passion, the excitement of sex, where he just wanted sex. I did not communicate this to him, nor did I take the steps to add that back into our marriage. The worst part is, had there been any passion, I would have been begging for it, and that would have been the end of the problem.

He ended up cheating on me. I found out 7 months later and was devastated. It was like being thrown into a pool of ice water! It was just sex, I read the e-mails between him and this girl, and I am convinced that is all there was to it, not that it makes it any better, or is it an acceptable solution. (please don't do this if you truly love your spouse) but it did make it easier, knowing that there was not someone else he was emotionally intimate with.

We are in counseling now with a great therapist, we are talking more than we have in many years, our sex life is through the roof and both of our needs are being met. If you can genuinely communicate with her, you need to. There is probably something she is lacking in her life somewhere, it may not be anything you can fix, but hopefully just being able to communicate will put a solution in motion for you both.

Maddy~ I really recommend finding a way to be close to your hubby, I have always heard people say, if you dont take care of your man, someone else will, well, it is true, and you dont want to go through that. I dont wish that on anyone.
I know it sounds so sexist, but I am not willing to walk away from this marriage yet. I have always loved my husband, and I committed to this marriage "for better or for worse" I just had to dig deep to find where my priorities were. The happiness of not only me and my husband were at stake, but our children's happiness was as well and I was not willing to give up w/o giving it my best shot!

GOOD LUCK TO YOU BOTH!
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Old 29th June 2004, 10:09 AM   #9
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Thanks for sharing that julsfla. I would never cheat on my wife no matter what. That's not in my blood to do that.
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Old 29th June 2004, 11:04 AM   #10
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Slick,
Visit this web site: www.fivelovelanguages.com You will find what you need there. Your wife has told you that buying her gifts isn't her thing. There are other things you can do:

1. Words of Affirmation
2. Receiving Gifts
3. Quality Time
4. Acts of Service
5. Physical Touch

These are the five love languages. We did a heavy study of this book in our Sunday School. It has opened our eyes to a lot!!!! You told us about all the wonderful things you do for her, but, if you don't know what it is that she needs, you'll never be able to renew your relationship with her. There are free resources on the site you can use too. Try it out, you won't be disappointed!!
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"The conscience water saw it's maker, and blushed" - Water to Wine......
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Old 28th July 2004, 7:44 PM   #11
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Red face

I am dealing with a similar issue with my husband.
After my second child, things started going down hill in the bedroom, yet we still made love on a regular basis. Then I became pregnant again with my last child and since the day I found out I was pregnant I have lost almost all desire to do anything with him. I am drained and tired all of the time.

I work full time, I come home and I am Mom full time to three children & most of the evening I am alone because he works later than I do. He usually comes home around 10pm on average. We are having a lot of arguments and this is the basis of all of them. Its very frustrating because I tell him exactly what I need. He does not really respond. I tell him that I need help with the kids, I need more sleep, and help around the house (we both work full time at least 40 hours a week).

We are not in a financial position to let me stay home and not work so thats not an option. It seems as if he ignores my requests for help. I have tried to ask several different t ways but the only thing I get is help for that day, maybe the next day if I am lucky, and then everything goes right back to normal. Me doing all the kid raising and all the house work and working full time...

I started crying when I read some of these responses because I kind of felt like I was the only one. But I am drained, I am emotionally and physically drained and I don't really know what to do.

We still date and go out every so often, he is still "courting me" as they say, we try to take a vacation every year somewhere just me and him. We are fine then, but when we come back to reality, its the same old song everyday...

Anyone have anything to say about this? What should I do to get his attention and let him know I cant do this alone anymore? What should I do to get help from him with raising our kids and helping with household chores? I am lost!
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Old 28th July 2004, 7:59 PM   #12
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I was/am in your wife's boat, when I was 70 lbs heavier he still loved me, but I felt *sex* was just another obligation besides the endless chores and family responsibilities and working full time. Aside having him come home and simply do his own thing while I tended to the rest,left me angered and resentful, so knowing that *making love* for him meant being close, I pulled away from him knowing that if I gave in to that feeling he *had* my body only but not my love or mind. It wasn't there. The routine became boring and I didn't enjoy it anymore. I mean, I like sex, once I was fully into it, but I'd never initiate it.

It was like a part of me was withdrawing from him because I knew how important it was to him, whereas the things I asked for went alongside blindly - help with the kids, the chores, quality time, talking nice, doing things for me without being asked, spending time together doing stuff, not just drinking.

It felt like he went to work, came home, drank, watched tv, ate dinner and layed in bed ready.......and I became more irritated and felt like - oh don't talk to me about my feelings, but man come bedtime - you're ready for something. anything. I even went to see a doctor because he thought it was my libido - didn't matter how many sexy panties I owned now. It wasn't there, and the medicine doesn't help me because in my mind remains - he's not giving me, I'm not giving him. And I don't care.

Terrible attitude really, because I know its all he lives for - well alot of times, and it's the one thing that I have control over him, and not the other way around.
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Old 28th July 2004, 9:42 PM   #13
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I think it is more common than we think

Feeling resentful of your husband seems to be pretty common. I know I can relate to pretty much everything in the last two posts. I felt the exact same way. We had been stuck in the same rut for years! I worked 40+ hours a week, was a full time mom to two kids, I felt I had to over compensate where they were concerned because I was not a stay at home mom like a lot of their friends mothers who volunteered at the school, brownies and every other activity that came along. I felt I was alone in the marriage where family was concerned. I cleaned, cooked, and tended to most of our children's needs. I would ask for help, he would ask for sex. My attitude was, "If he wont help me out, I wont have sex with him" and his was, "If she wont have sex with me, I wont help her"

We actually got to the point where we were literally living two separate lives. For over two years we spent no more than maybe 8 hours a week actually interacting with one another. When we did,he wanted sex, I did not. No, that is not totally true, I wanted sex, but on my terms. We had somehow gotten into a rut where when we did have sex, it was very routine. We did not kiss, forplay was very minimal, and it was an obligation as far as I was concerned. More of a reach over, rub in the right places and get it over with. I "fell asleep" on the couch more often than not. He wanted to know who I was having sex with, because it sure was not with him, and that he would look elsewhere if I did not have sex with him more than three times a month ( honestly, that is being generous) And to clarify, I never ever slept with anyone other than my husband! I had offers, but never ever considered it an option. I was married!

Now that I look back, I know how it began, and how it got to the point it did. He would do something I did not like, and I would resent him, and be distant to punish him, and he, in turn would do something that was guaranteed to piss me off even more. It usually included a bar and not me! We just stopped communicating. Unless we we re talking about the kids or yelling about him not helping me or about us not having sex!

I do want to say this, I never stopped loving my husband. We had good periods, and we have had to pull together and get through some pretty difficult things that most people never have to ever consider in their entire lives. He was always there, solid as a rock, for me to lean on. No matter where we were in our sex life/emotional relationship.

I found some proof he had an affair with a girl, it was sexual, the e-mails I read were proof of that. I thought I was going to break into a million pieces. The only thing that went through my head was the memory of someone having said to me, that if "I did not take care of my Man, some other woman would" I used to think this was crap, but it really is not. We talked about separating, and to be honest, I did not want that, but I wanted to see what he really wanted. He said all he ever wanted was me, attention from me, affection from me, to know I loved him. He told me all he could think about was "What he would do if I left him, what would he do?"

I stayed home from work the day after I found out, I never, in my life, cried that hard in my life. I literally could not stand up because of the pain inside of me. I have to tell you, I lost BOTH my parents suddenly, seven years apart. My father to a heart attack, my mother to a drunk driver. I also had to make the decision of keeping my Mother on life support or letting God decide her fate THEN, had to call her father and "ask" him if that was ok. (I was extremely close to both of them. I lived 5 houses away from them when my Dad passed.) So, I have had to deal with some pretty heartbreaking situations in my life. NOTHING I have ever been through compared to the pain I felt that day. NOTHING. I did know that as horrible it was he had cheated, it was telling him I wanted to separate that was the source of the pain. When he came home, and I told him, he then had the same reaction I had been dealing with all day. He was willing to go, but did not want to. The thought of life with out me, was devastating to him.

We agreed to counseling, and whatever else it would take. We talked more in the next week than we had in the 5 years leading up to the day I found out. I know what he did was wrong, and it is not an acceptable solution to our problem. I also realize what I did to him, was also unacceptable. I always said that if he cheated that would be it, our marriage would be over. Who really knows what they will do until they are in a situation???

I really hope you can somehow fix your problems before they get to the point ours did. I don't wish on anyone the pain I felt. We have been in counseling, we have passion in our relationship again and we COMMUNICATE constantly! I hate what had to occur, but our relationship has never been stronger. We have a lot of issues to overcome still, the biggest being TRUST, but we are working towards that.

I hope you can take something away from my post, I know how easy it is to feel like the only thing you are in control of is sex, and how satisfying it is to play that card, that one card you feel you own. But if there are other options, please try them. I know had my husband told me I was pretty, and shown some passion towards me, kissed me with the passion of someone who really wanted me, he would have been dealing with a whole new issue......Like he is now! I am not kidding, six months ago, I dreaded going to bed, now, I thinks there are nights that he may. LOL

Good Luck to you! Whatever you do, it wont be easy, but you were important enough to one another to get married, I hope you can find the middle ground to work it out!
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Old 28th July 2004, 9:58 PM   #14
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Juls thanks for your words. It was painful reading that because I could see myself in it. I'm sorry for your pain, I can't even begin to imagine. You are a much stronger person now, I commend you.

I always tell myself that if he were to cheat becuase he didn't get sex, fine - great, that would be the last straw I need, and he knows that, so he'd never do it. And in turn I wish wish he would so that I could make him look like the bad guy and actually have a reason to leave except that I'm miserable in my marriage, and how he treats me. Somehow that doesn't justify it. If one left FOR a reason such as that, it's okay.

But I read it, I know my husband would love it if I just swallow my pride, and continued as if nothing has happened like I always do, until I get sick of it again. But this time is different....... I thank you.
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Old 29th July 2004, 11:18 AM   #15
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I have the opposte problem my boyfirend is always tired and won't have sex with me. God I feel like have an affiar. And when we finally do have sex after much asking teasing from me I am so pissed at the ordeal that i can't orgasim.
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