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She says I am controlling..


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Not sure if I am really controlling or what but on to the details.. (Sorry for long thread)

 

We have been married 9 months, together 5 years, have a 1 year old child. We have had issues for the past few months, my wife told me a month ago she is not happy in our relationship, feels like she is missing out on "life", and she was considering leaving.. I asked her to stay and that I felt there were things I could do to keep the relationship going..

 

She is 22, I am 25. I am sure her age is playing a big factor in how she feels, but also I can take the blame for some of it. After we got married I got "comfortable" and I can admit I took her being around for granted.. I have been trying for the last month to turn it around and for the past few weeks everything has been "better".

 

Well last night we got into a big fight about me being too controlling.. She told me when I got home from work she was going to an event with her girlfriend, that she would be home around 9 and left, everything was good.. Taking care of a 1 year old the time flys by, I am getting her ready for bed and realize its 9:30.. Send the wife a text asking her when shes going to be home.. no answer..

 

Around 10 I call her, ask her when she is going to be home, "dunno", where are you? "Walking to the car" Where have to been? "Went to the bar across from event to have some drinks but it was packed, waited in line for awhile but then decided to leave" So where are you going? "Dunno".. So this time I am frustrated/getting sorta pissed off.. Put the baby to sleep, call her around 11 and she says shes getting something to eat, asks why I keep bothering her, why she cant go out without me blowing up her phone..

 

So she gets home around 12:30, I told her it wasn't the fact that she was out that was pissing me off but the fact that she couldn't tell me where she was going or give me any idea of what time she was going to be home.. Sorry but if someone asks me at midnight where my wife is I would like to have a good idea instead of saying I don't know...

 

So she goes on to say I act like i am her dad, not her husband. That she needs room to breathe and she is considering going to stay at her moms house for a while..

 

Any opinions? Is it normal in marriages for one spouse to go out and the other have no idea where/when they might be home?

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Do you give her a play by play of your outings? Does she know where you are at all times?

 

I am just wondering if she was blowing off steam because she feels you try to control her.

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KraftDinner

Op, I don't think you're being unreasonable. When someone says they're going to be home or meet you or call you at a certain time and they don't, that's incredibly disrespectful.

 

And then she "dunno" where she's going or when she'll be back? She's acting like a teen so no wonder she feels like you're acting like her dad. That is the dynamic, isn't it?

 

I have no suggestions for you other than talking it through. She's young and likely feels she's missed out on a lot of her youth by getting married so young and having a kid so compromises will probably have to be made so she can have a little freedom, but not at the expense of taking you for granted.

 

Having said that, how often do you go out? Do you tell her when you'll be home and stick to it and call if plans change? You can only expect this sort of respect if you give it.

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soccerrprp
Op, I don't think you're being unreasonable. When someone says they're going to be home or meet you or call you at a certain time and they don't, that's incredibly disrespectful.

 

And then she "dunno" where she's going or when she'll be back? She's acting like a teen so no wonder she feels like you're acting like her dad. That is the dynamic, isn't it?

 

I have no suggestions for you other than talking it through. She's young and likely feels she's missed out on a lot of her youth by getting married so young and having a kid so compromises will probably have to be made so she can have a little freedom, but not at the expense of taking you for granted.

 

Having said that, how often do you go out? Do you tell her when you'll be home and stick to it and call if plans change? You can only expect this sort of respect if you give it.

 

I'm with KraftDinner. I also would like to ask whether you have date days every week? Do you go out with your to parties, bars, dancing, etc. ?

 

She may be feeling confined by the lack of activities outside of being home, taking care of the baby....rather uneventful and dry, wouldn't you say? You are both very young and married, but that doesn't mean you stop having fun. You both need to time to develop other relationships (not cheating, of course!). Let her have girls night out, you, boys night outs and give plenty of time for the two of you to have fun!

 

There needs to be trust that you are both mature enough to have separate interests and lives w/o either of you being insecure.

 

Sorry, man. Don't know what else to say. Talk with her.

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Quiet Storm

I think you every right to call your wife when she is out to find out where she is and when she's going to be home. It's a common courtesy, not controlling. I understand that she's young and may feel a need to "rebel", but I became a wife younger than she is. I was focused on my husband, my babies, our family.

 

She seems so ready to move on, which I think is odd, especially after she just had a baby. You are a new little family. It doesn't sound like she has any motivation to work on her marriage or keep her family together. Did she suggest marriage counseling or try to spend more alone time with you? Or does she just seem totally checked out & ready to give up?

 

To be honest, her response makes me think she could be cheating. She is giving you vague "dunno" answers. Her reason for wanting to move out could be that she wants more freedom to explore other options. It's probably annoying if you are cheating and your husband keeps calling. If you are just hanging with friends, a text from your husband is no big deal. I could see how a cheater would see it as controlling because they don't want to be accountable to you. She also could be holding "moving out" over your head as a manipulation...so that next time, you won't call because you are afraid of her reaction.

 

How is your sex life?

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Sex life is once a week, im about 99% sure she is cheating, or atleast talking to someone.. One of the arguements we had was that she started leaving an hour early for work so she could "relax" before work, also last night during our fight her phone kept ringing and someone was leaving her voicemails.. she said it was "noone"

 

Now I will probably get some bad comments on this but this morning after i posted this I pulled up our phone history, the number that kept calling her has also been texting/calling her about 30 minutes before work.. They also talked on the phone about 30 minutes before she walked in the door last night and sent about 15 text last night between the hours she was gone.

 

 

Hell maybe I am controlling and jealous.. pulling the phone bill like that.. but come to find out it is a recently divorced single 26 year old at her work.. Calling my wife at 1:00am and leaving her voicemails..

 

Now how can I confront her on this? She is just going to tell me I am controlling and jealous and they are just friends...

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cozycottagelg

I have very little experience (okay, like, none) on this kind of thing, but I will tell you, if my husband were you, he'd be answering my phone and asking to see my text messages. If I felt I needed to hide the content, that would pretty much seal the deal.

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I am have stretched a little far about the guy, lets say im 80% sure it is the guy I talked about below.. my buddy ran the number through reverse look up and it is registered to someone with the same last name of the guy she works with but different first name... I called the number, a guy answered I hung up... Anyone have any advice to find out who the guy is?

 

Would you call and talk to the guy or go directly to your spouse?

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goto spydialer (.com) its free. It will allow you to hear their voicemail without actually calling the phone.

 

You need to confront her on this, be tough. Be firm without yelling. Let her know the boundaries. Don't put up with this 'friend' bs. She is acting suspecious and you have every right to know what is going on.

 

Don't let her control the conversation, don't let her sidetrack it by calling you 'controlling'. Just ignore that when she starts calling you that and stick to the issue at hand.

 

You need to use tough love which also mean telling her she needs to leave. This is NOT the time to try to 'win her back' or to 'work it out'. Your goal is to make her THINK. You do this by confronting her with the facts and making her face the consequences.

 

You two should look into MC as well. This is not fair to you or the baby.

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tried spydialer but he just has a generic computer voicemail... Just wish I had some more proof.. All I got is she has been texting/calling this number at strange hours and when I call the number a guy answers... no idea who he is..

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Then it's time to talk to him.. If an affair is going on, she wants it hidden. It only ends when it's exposed. You have every right to do this, she does not deserve any privacy when she is acting this suspicious.

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KraftDinner

I think you should follow her in the morning when she leaves early to "relax".

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Lauriebell82

I think she is 22 and wants to be out partying, not rocking a baby to sleep. You are cramping her style. Did you get married because of the baby?

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:( feeling betrayed.. so here is how yesterday went down, what does everything think...

 

I met her after work at a store to do some shopping, asked her if I could use her phone to make a call.. While on the phone told her I needed to use the restroom and walked away..

 

All the text to/from this guy have been deleted.. all calls deleted, his number nowhere in her phone.. I dial it and when he answers I hang up, he calls back and I dont answer.. I text saying "Hey" and he text back saying "You and your husband straightening things out?"

 

I go back to my wife in teh store and show her where he had called (I deleted where I called him) and said "hey babe this number called and when I answered it some guy said hey and hung up after I asked who it was" She replied by saying she had no idea whos number it was.. I said are you sure you dont know this number? Showing her the number again.

 

She said nope never seen that number before.. I pulled up the text and showed it to her and asked again who it was.. she said no idea.

 

I told her I was going to ask her one more time, whos number is it... Her reply? No idea I have never seen that number before..

 

I was devestated.. walked out of the store and went to stay with a family member last night.. She called and we talked a little last night.. Now she says he is a friend from work, she wanted to get an outsiders view of our issues and when they talk its 99% about me and her.. she swears they are just friends..

 

She says the reason she has been deleting all of it and she lied about it was because she thinks i am really jealous and that I would of been upset and blew it out of purportion...

 

Opinions?

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If her truth is that difficult to get from her - it will never work.

 

You have no M if she's not openly honest.

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Lauriebell82

You obviously don't trust her. Go to counseling or get out of the marriage. It's not healthy to be rooting around in her phone and calling guys she talks to.

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Now she says he is a friend from work, she wanted to get an outsiders view of our issues and when they talk its 99% about me and her.. she swears they are just friends..

 

She says the reason she has been deleting all of it and she lied about it was because she thinks i am really jealous and that I would of been upset and blew it out of purportion...

 

Opinions?

Even if this were true (and many here will tell you it most likely is not), she's taken many steps down the wrong path. The relationship is clearly inappropriate.

 

Was her pregnancy and your marriage planned? Seems like an awfully quick trip from 9-months married and a 1-year old to "we have had issues for the past few months, my wife told me a month ago she is not happy in our relationship, feels like she is missing out on "life", and she was considering leaving.."

 

Mr. Lucky

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Lauriebell82
What Laurie meant to say is that it's not healthy to be in a relationship with a woman that causes you to have to root around in her phone and call guys she talks to. There's a big difference. That post makes it look like you ARE a controlling jerk, as opposed to someone that needs to do everything he can to keep a predator away from his wife.

 

I meant exactly what I said. While I think his wife is wrong, he isnt doing anything except setting her up to lie to him. So yeah, I do think he is being obsessive. Piss or get off the pot.

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Not sure if I am really controlling or what but on to the details.. (Sorry for long thread)

 

We have been married 9 months, together 5 years, have a 1 year old child. We have had issues for the past few months, my wife told me a month ago she is not happy in our relationship, feels like she is missing out on "life", and she was considering leaving.. I asked her to stay and that I felt there were things I could do to keep the relationship going..

 

She is 22, I am 25. I am sure her age is playing a big factor in how she feels, but also I can take the blame for some of it. After we got married I got "comfortable" and I can admit I took her being around for granted.. I have been trying for the last month to turn it around and for the past few weeks everything has been "better".

 

Well last night we got into a big fight about me being too controlling.. She told me when I got home from work she was going to an event with her girlfriend, that she would be home around 9 and left, everything was good.. Taking care of a 1 year old the time flys by, I am getting her ready for bed and realize its 9:30.. Send the wife a text asking her when shes going to be home.. no answer..

 

Around 10 I call her, ask her when she is going to be home, "dunno", where are you? "Walking to the car" Where have to been? "Went to the bar across from event to have some drinks but it was packed, waited in line for awhile but then decided to leave" So where are you going? "Dunno".. So this time I am frustrated/getting sorta pissed off.. Put the baby to sleep, call her around 11 and she says shes getting something to eat, asks why I keep bothering her, why she cant go out without me blowing up her phone..

 

So she gets home around 12:30, I told her it wasn't the fact that she was out that was pissing me off but the fact that she couldn't tell me where she was going or give me any idea of what time she was going to be home.. Sorry but if someone asks me at midnight where my wife is I would like to have a good idea instead of saying I don't know...

 

So she goes on to say I act like i am her dad, not her husband. That she needs room to breathe and she is considering going to stay at her moms house for a while..

 

Any opinions? Is it normal in marriages for one spouse to go out and the other have no idea where/when they might be home?

Hi everyone my boyfriend and i have been together for 3months then i decided to go back to my country coz my visa will expire. So we decided to be engaged, filed my petition paper while and just do a long distance relationship for a while..I was really afraid of this LDR coz i've tried it before and it didn't work out for me, it lasted only 2years, but then in my boyfriends case. This is gonna be his first time to have an LDR so it made me much more scared.For the first two months everything was good, we always talk, call, skype, text but then on the 3rd month he met new friends since then he doesn't have time to talk to me. He's always out, the only text or word that i would here from him was good morning and iloveyou. that's it!! i keep asking him how was his day but then he will only say it was good.. i still tell him everything that i do whole day but when i ask him he only says it was the same routine then after that he will tell me that he's going out with his friends tonight (girls and boys). and he never tell me where, what they're doing and even never tells me that he's home already.. the last text that i would receive from him is i'm going out now and that's it.. in the next day, i would even be lucky if i'll receive a goodmorning text from him.. i tried to get angry at him, told him that he needs to text me and the only thing he always says is to trust him. But i do trust him a lot. The only point that i have is that we are in LDR and the only thing we have is communicAtion.. this thing has been going on for 1.5 months.. i don't know if i can keep up with this thing.. he also told me that he is just trying to have a lot of fun coz he knows that when i get back to him. his attention would all be into me.. but i don't know if that's what i want right now, not having any attention from him. i even think that he's new friends might even know him better than me. what should i do? can anybody tell me an idea if i should just let my bf/fiance do whatever he wants or just breakup with him.. i love him so much but if i'm going to marry him i need to feel that he loves me too.

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Lauriebell82
Hi everyone my boyfriend and i have been together for 3months then i decided to go back to my country coz my visa will expire. So we decided to be engaged, filed my petition paper while and just do a long distance relationship for a while..I was really afraid of this LDR coz i've tried it before and it didn't work out for me, it lasted only 2years, but then in my boyfriends case. This is gonna be his first time to have an LDR so it made me much more scared.For the first two months everything was good, we always talk, call, skype, text but then on the 3rd month he met new friends since then he doesn't have time to talk to me. He's always out, the only text or word that i would here from him was good morning and iloveyou. that's it!! i keep asking him how was his day but then he will only say it was good.. i still tell him everything that i do whole day but when i ask him he only says it was the same routine then after that he will tell me that he's going out with his friends tonight (girls and boys). and he never tell me where, what they're doing and even never tells me that he's home already.. the last text that i would receive from him is i'm going out now and that's it.. in the next day, i would even be lucky if i'll receive a goodmorning text from him.. i tried to get angry at him, told him that he needs to text me and the only thing he always says is to trust him. But i do trust him a lot. The only point that i have is that we are in LDR and the only thing we have is communicAtion.. this thing has been going on for 1.5 months.. i don't know if i can keep up with this thing.. he also told me that he is just trying to have a lot of fun coz he knows that when i get back to him. his attention would all be into me.. but i don't know if that's what i want right now, not having any attention from him. i even think that he's new friends might even know him better than me. what should i do? can anybody tell me an idea if i should just let my bf/fiance do whatever he wants or just breakup with him.. i love him so much but if i'm going to marry him i need to feel that he loves me too.

 

You need to start your own thread.

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What Laurie meant to say is that it's not healthy to be in a relationship with a woman that causes you to have to root around in her phone and call guys she talks to. There's a big difference. That post makes it look like you ARE a controlling jerk, as opposed to someone that needs to do everything he can to keep a predator away from his wife.

 

I think a good spouse knows how to keep predators away herself, without her husband having to step in.

 

I get douchebags trying to hit on me all the time. I talk about my husband in a manner that shows them they have NO CHANCE.

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dreamingoftigers
The OP spying on his wife's phone activity is the LEAST of his issues.

 

His cheating wife is a damned liar and a snake.

 

So what's your next move, OP?

 

Yeah, she totally screwed around on him. No question.

 

Too bad he didn't text back saying "Nah, it's not going to work out. So where does that leave us?"

 

And then the dude (OM) would've rattled off whatever he had to say.

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