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Jobless bf can't provide security


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Old 12th February 2011, 3:27 PM   #1
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Jobless bf can't provide security

My bf and I had a baby 6 months ago, she was born 2 months early. So, we have been dealing with the stress of that. He graduated from college 2 days after baby was born and hasn't been able to find a job. I am beyond stressed having to pay for everything on teacher's salary. I am always angry with him for not working. I know he is looking, but I can't say I think he is looking hard enough or doing the right things. He says I can't lash out and be mad about this. But, I am. I don't know how to not blame him. I need security and stability and so does our baby. We don't have that. So, we often go days without speaking. I love him and I know he loves me, but this is tearing us apart. We can't talk without yelling about it. I want to communicate better, but also lose the anger, which I don't feel will happen until he gets a job. Any suggestions?
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Old 12th February 2011, 5:52 PM   #2
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It sounds like part of it is pure stress over the baby and finances. When we are stressed we take it out on the people who are safest - those who love us. In you feeling sole responsibility for the finances you have the right to feel stressed. Part of the issue though is if he truly can't find a job, then you are not only stressing out over finances but also in being upset with him ostracizing yourself from his emotional support. Is he helping out with the baby? Does he stay home with it thus preventing the need for childcare and saving that money?

I might even imagine that he also feels out of control with the stress and when all you two do is fight that he builds up even more resistance to wanting to do anything and everything he could do to support you.

This man in no way deserves a free ride but perhaps some praise for the things he does do would inspire him better to do more. If he already does nothing, sits around like a bum while you do everything and the baby goes to daycare then I would say there are much larger issues with his maturity and willingness to take responsibility.
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Old 13th February 2011, 9:35 AM   #3
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Quote:
Originally Posted by jlsinphx View Post
My bf and I had a baby 6 months ago, she was born 2 months early. So, we have been dealing with the stress of that. He graduated from college 2 days after baby was born and hasn't been able to find a job. I am beyond stressed having to pay for everything on teacher's salary. I am always angry with him for not working. I know he is looking, but I can't say I think he is looking hard enough or doing the right things. He says I can't lash out and be mad about this. But, I am. I don't know how to not blame him. I need security and stability and so does our baby. We don't have that. So, we often go days without speaking. I love him and I know he loves me, but this is tearing us apart. We can't talk without yelling about it. I want to communicate better, but also lose the anger, which I don't feel will happen until he gets a job. Any suggestions?
Er how about

"Husband", get a job I need you"

Can't he even get a job delivering pizza's while he is looking for something better?
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Old 13th February 2011, 3:20 PM   #4
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He doesn't stay home with the baby because I had the daycare costs taken out of my paycheck pre-tax and that can't be changed. He will pick up and clean the kitchen and get up in the night. So, he is helpful. His degree is in video game design and says he needs to be in CA, NY or WA to get it off the ground. When I tell him to go, he refuses to leave us. I explained to him that I can't quit my job to follow him for a 6 month project, not knowing what is next. Obviously, the baby wasn't planned. So, he feels like he has to give up on his dream. He is looking for 2 types of jobs: game design and warehouse.
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Old 13th February 2011, 3:23 PM   #5
 
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Similar topic: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t263816/
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