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Cheat or leave? (Little faith in 'working on it'.)


Marriage & Life Partnerships Debunking the old-ball-and-chain stereotype one couple at a time.

 
 
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Old 29th March 2010, 3:01 PM   #1
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Cheat or leave? (Little faith in 'working on it'.)

I don't know what to do.
I'm 37, male, married 7 years, together 10. We have one daughter under 2, and she has a disability.
I've fallen in love a couple of times since I've been married, but never acted on it. I know what falling in love is -know it doesn't last. But I still want that feeling. I'm in love with a co-worker at the moment and have been sustained in recent months by the thought of an A. Earlier this year, I chickened out when the co-worker put it to me.
I discussed ALL this with my wife and we are about to start MC.
My sex life with my wife has never been good. I've never felt satisfied by it -I'm very passionate, and she is matter-of-fact and detached. I don't think I can do without this feeling too much longer. Feel like my body and soul is drying up.
I stuck with my W because I love her and she makes me laugh so much. The problem is that I don't want to have sex with my wife anymore, and I doubt if therapy will help. The sex is like a disappointing and depressing experience even when it's physically OK ..
I feel that a stronger person than me would be able to have his needs met elsewhere. I feel disappointed in myself that I chickened out on the A. That sounds crazy, but it's true.
So here is my question. Is it really better to leave a functioning but imperfect marriage? (And I know my daughter's disability colors things even further -I feel like it's be more wrong of me to leave in these circumstances.) Should I really just check out if I feel my needs are not being met? I don't want to cheat, but I feel like it's my only option. But everybody says 'leave -don't cheat -it's the only honest thing to do and will save on a whole lot of heartbreak'
But ultimately, I guess I don't believe in monogamy. I feel I've reached a point in my life when I need something else. I feel it's human nature. I don't even mind if my wife has an A too - with a man or a woman - I have suspected for a long time my wife might be gay and that this is behind her detachment, but she denies this.
I'm not afraid of ending up alone. I like being alone, and I don't enjoy family life. I was happiest when I was single. Then again, I hate the idea of abandoning the people I love.
So -is it better to leave? Would they be better without me?

Last edited by Redsox; 29th March 2010 at 3:23 PM..
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Old 29th March 2010, 3:35 PM   #2
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you leave!!! you never cheat! period. it doesn't matter if you care that she has an A too, what matters is how it will make your wife and child feel when they find out.
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Old 29th March 2010, 3:57 PM   #3
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Don't cheat. How could dishonesty about something so vital to the relationship be the right choice?

If you really can't stand to be the person leaving, be honest with your wife about your needs. Tell her you'd like to open the marriage, so that you can have your needs met and keep the family intact. Be prepared for her to choose leaving you over accepting an open marriage. But at least she will have the benefit of knowledge, and control over her own life path.

I really hope you will give marriage counseling a shot before making any decisions. Good luck!
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Old 29th March 2010, 4:40 PM   #4
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Try to find a woman who is in the exact situation as you are. And then cheat with her like it is your job. I could have written your post ( only difference is no disability at home).

Do not cheat with:

- Annoying club chicks
- Anyone much younger than you
- Anyone with little in common
- Anyone at work, or near your house.

Also read the book, "Too bad to stay and too good to leave" More than likely it is too good to leave, you just can't see it yet until you have a good affair or two under your belt.

Win win. You get sex, test out the grass, and your wife gets to keep her husband. If you could somehow explain to her that you do not belive in Monogamy ( neither do I ) then its an even bigger bonus....but good luck getting that one across the table as most are not wired like that.

There is no person, not on this planet, who can be all things, at all times for one person. Your Emotional Affiar partners have been filling what has been missing all along.
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Old 29th March 2010, 5:44 PM   #5
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Originally Posted by kevinconner View Post
Win win. You get sex, test out the grass, and your wife gets to keep her husband.
This is NOT win-win. She probably doesn't even WANT her husband under those circumstances, so "gets to keep her [lying, cheating] husband" isn't such a win.

If it were win-win, you wouldn't have to be deceitful. Your wife would also value keeping the family intact over monogamy, and would go into the situation with full knowledge of the risks. If you have promised your wives monogamy, they deserve to know when you decide to be non-monogamous.
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Old 29th March 2010, 7:09 PM   #6
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In my opinion, it's irresponsible for a person who does not believe in monogamy to commit to a monogamous relationship. What is up with that?


OP, the frequency and casualness with which you "fall in love" makes me doubt whether you have experienced love.

Your daughter - you don't dwell on her role in your marriage much, but I wonder how much her special needs are depleting your wife's energy and the intimate bond between you. A two year old without any special needs can do this.

Anyway, all that bologna about being somehow "weak" because you haven't had an affair is quite bogus. Leave, or arrange an "open" marriage. Or, see if you and your wife can do something to fix the problems between you.
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Old 29th March 2010, 7:41 PM   #7
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You sound like a d*ck. The W would be better off without you.
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Old 29th March 2010, 8:25 PM   #8
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If you cheat you WILL regret it.

You will forever be a man who cheated on his wife and that guilt will follow you to every new relationship you have from now on.

You WILL end up telling your wife or she will find out on her own, you will not be able to keep it a secret. Even if she finds out after the divorce it will destroy her trust in men for years to come.

It will absolutely SHATTER the mother of your child.

My wife cheated on me.

You came here to learn. SO LEARN.
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Old 29th March 2010, 8:58 PM   #9
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So you want permission to get laid?

Might I recommend a Playboy mag & some private time??

I have been in a loveless relationship for 8 yrs & I'm still faithful.
I thought it about cheating recently and realized that I just can't do that to him.
I might be a bit *broken* right now so maybe I'm not the best resource on this...

But really just leave or learn to deal with it.
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Old 29th March 2010, 9:13 PM   #10
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I discussed ALL this with my wife and we are about to start MC.
That is a good first step. Be sure to be as open with your counselor as well. It may well be that you and your wife simply don't have what you need between the two of you emotionally to keep a marriage afloat. Your wife may be as miserable as you are, and you and she may end up agreeing to go your separate ways as H and W, while maintaining your father and mother roles.

Now is not the time to get involved with someone else. Resolve your issues with your wife first - whether it lead to reconciliation or divorce. MC won't help you much either way if there is an OW thrown in there to skew things.
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Old 30th March 2010, 12:11 AM   #11
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Don't cheat OP, you will FOREVER regret it. I cheated on my ex bf and although he was a habitual liar and cheater himself, I still regret that I sunk to his level. The only thing that I did that was right in that situation was telling him the truth about what happened the very next day after it happened, giving him a chance to stay or leave. But still even then it's not worth it. So work it out or leave her.
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Old 30th March 2010, 11:00 AM   #12
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Thanks everyone for your replies.
11 replies, 11 completely different perspectives -all valuable.
Thanks again.
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Old 30th March 2010, 11:14 AM   #13
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You say you've told your wife how you feel, but you did not include her reaction beyond MC. Did you discuss the possibility of having an open relationship? If so, what was her reaction?

It is more effort than I see people often make, but some divorced parents are still fabulous with their kids and if you handle things above board and the relationship ends, you having not cheated on your way out will go a long way towards keeping a good relationship with your wife after the divorce you are sure you will end up having. If there isn't any resentments, it will help the both of you stay partners in at least parenting your child. Having an affair could ruin that.
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Old 30th March 2010, 12:57 PM   #14
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It sounds like you and your wife communicate well, and going to MC may help. Your frank honesty in your post tells me that you think you only have two options. There's a third.

Every couple has to decide their own comfort zone. To put it more bluntly- it's not cheating if she says it's ok. I'm not saying she will, and things definatly have to be fair. Having and extramarital affair is not the same as cheating- but it takes strong communication skills, honesty and being open and respectful.

Talk to your wife about your thoughts- see how she responds. Be clear that you love her and respect her and want to stay married to be with her as well as your daughter. Yet, there is this problem and you would like to know how the two of you can work together to resolve it - isn't that what any good marriage is about?
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Old 30th March 2010, 3:28 PM   #15
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Quote:
Originally Posted by kevinconner View Post
Try to find a woman who is in the exact situation as you are. And then cheat with her like it is your job. I could have written your post ( only difference is no disability at home).




Also read the book, "Too bad to stay and too good to leave" More than likely it is too good to leave, you just can't see it yet until you have a good affair or two under your belt.

Win win. You get sex, test out the grass, and your wife gets to keep her husband. If you could somehow explain to her that you do not belive in Monogamy ( neither do I ) then its an even bigger bonus....but good luck getting that one across the table as most are not wired like that.

There is no person, not on this planet, who can be all things, at all times for one person. Your Emotional Affiar partners have been filling what has been missing all along.
I'm so baffled as to why a person who thinks this way would be in a marriage. Can you explain it?

Also, maybe it's just me, but an expression like "a good affair or two under your belt" is really offensive.

You are having an affair with a human being. I have known many people who have had affairs. In the majority of cases, one of the parties involved is hoping for more than to be another notch on the bedpost, or whatever. Emotional involvement happens in affairs a LOT.

Why USE other people to validate your own life?
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