My wife took a job that takes our evenings away

[youngmarried1]

I have been married for 14 months today. My wife and I both love each other very much. She has been unemployed for over a year now and has only recently seriously looked for employment.

 

She has just taken a part time job from 4-7 pm in her newly chosen career path.

 

She doesn't need to work but I am happy to support her if she wants to. I am excited that she will be working at a job she enjoys as opposed to her last job. I am, however, more upset than happy since I get home from work before 5 pm and she won't be home for another 2 / 2.5 hours M-F.

 

She knew before this job became available that spending time with one another is important to me particularly while we are young and don't have our future children's activities competing for our time. I believe she feels likewise but doesn't believe this will hurt our marriage and she notes that "other couples" often have limited time with one another during the week.

 

I am also hurt because she seems more concerned about getting off for Thanksgiving to visit her out of town family than considering how this hurts me and our marriage.

 

Part of me wants to draw a line in the sand since this is a dangerous precedent and another part of me says that she wants to do this so I should be supportive regardless of my worries.

 

Any thoughts on how to respond?

[2sure]

Its 2.5 hours. Its her job.

And by the way, her having Thanksgiving with her family is not a dangerous precedent.

[youngmarried1]

Sorry for the lack of clarity, I meant the job taking at 10 hours a week was a dangerous precedent not going to visit her family over the holiday. In fact, I took off work extra time at work last year and was prepared to this year to spend as much time with her family as possible over Thanksgiving. I know it's difficult for living nearly 10 hours away from them, so I make it a point to drive up there: four times last year and, I think, three time the preceding year.

[2sure]

The 10 hours a week you are separated due to her work schedule just doesnt seem like very much. Sure, spending time with each other is important to both of you. But her employment, getting out of the house, professional happiness...all of those things are just as important if you want a fulfilled and happy spouse. She may or may not be able to work after children, so now is the time. Most couples these days are dual income, even for reasons other than money. Its ten hours. She otherwise is home and your at work. She isnt protesting the time or hours you are at work.

 

If you arent careful here, you might end up pushing her away.

[hopeful1980]

7pm isn't late. It doesn't take your evenings away unless you're going to bed at 8pm.

 

Is it that you just want her to be there when you get home?

[angie2443]

What time do you go to bed?

[seibert253]

I don't see the big deal, but I'm not in your shoes.

 

Be thankful you have a wife who wants to contribute to the family income. Many husbands do not.

 

It's also an outlet to your wife. She needs to do things outside the home, a couple hours of interaction with other adults. If you have a problem with her escaping the home for a few hours a day, her interacting with other adults, and not being at home for you for those 2.5hrs, then you have serious issues you should look at.

 

Marriage is about give and take. It's a compromise.

[Lucky_One]

Have to agree. 7:00 isn't late, and you have weekends. Matter of fact, you could have dinner waiting for her when she gets home, or the two of you could cook together. Let her enjoy the brief excitement of starting a new job and of feeling like she is contributing to your family.

[JamesM]

Sorry...I have no sympathy.

 

As a husband who has had a wife who worked third shift for years, I cannot relate because if it were just a couple of hours, then it would have never been any problem.

 

Now while she worked the third shift, I "parented" newborn babies and toddlers. We have four kids and I can say that for the first two, I saw them take their first steps. There were other firsts that happened with me. But I also had the dubious privilege of cleaning up the first vomit for all of them and for much of the first few years, I was the only one who was there when they were sick.

 

I prepared meals, did laundry and cleaned many more times than I wanted.

 

To top it off, when she worked third shift she slept during the day. So for a few days we would only see each other for a couple of awake hours.

 

Oh, and did I mention that this included every other weekend?

 

Now she has a day shift, and it is much better. For over ten years, she did third shift. It is what she had to do.

 

So, view this as a temporary "problem." In time, things will change. I understand that you are newlyweds, but as you said, you do not have children.

 

Maybe I am wrong but it seems that your concerns are a bit selfish. You have dinner alone, but soon after, you have her home.

 

From her angle, this may not be the best for her either. She may wish for a better time, but she knows that in order to get the better time, she needs to take the crappy time first.

 

Repeat this phrase....this is not about you. This is not a slight against you. And IMO this is for you and her.

[mem11363]

You sure do sound needy. Needy is not good. Needy is very bad. Needy is a big turn off for women.

 

You don't mention having to get up really early - so why is this such a problem for you?

 

 

 

 

I have been married for 14 months today. My wife and I both love each other very much. She has been unemployed for over a year now and has only recently seriously looked for employment.

 

She has just taken a part time job from 4-7 pm in her newly chosen career path.

 

She doesn't need to work but I am happy to support her if she wants to. I am excited that she will be working at a job she enjoys as opposed to her last job. I am, however, more upset than happy since I get home from work before 5 pm and she won't be home for another 2 / 2.5 hours M-F.

 

She knew before this job became available that spending time with one another is important to me particularly while we are young and don't have our future children's activities competing for our time. I believe she feels likewise but doesn't believe this will hurt our marriage and she notes that "other couples" often have limited time with one another during the week.

 

I am also hurt because she seems more concerned about getting off for Thanksgiving to visit her out of town family than considering how this hurts me and our marriage.

 

Part of me wants to draw a line in the sand since this is a dangerous precedent and another part of me says that she wants to do this so I should be supportive regardless of my worries.

 

Any thoughts on how to respond?

[hopeful1980]

Yeah, I'm with James.

 

I work during the day and my husband works at night. There are days when we do not see each other awake. I take our son to school in the morning while he stays at home with the baby. Then he picks up our boy from school and drops them off at the baby sitters then goes to work. When I get off of work I go and pick up the kids from the baby sitters. Most of the time when he finally gets home at night I am asleep. When I leave in the morning, he is asleep.

 

A few hours a night isn't that bad. You guys don't have kids, so I don't see why when she comes home around 7:30 you can't spend the rest of the night together then. I wish my husband was home at 7:30 every night in time for us to watch tv together or play a game. It would be very nice.

[Star Gazer]

BF and I both have day jobs. We leave for work within 10 minutes of each other, but he gets to go home between 4:30-5 whereas I typically don't get home until 7:7:30 due to the differing demands of our professions.

 

If he EVER gave me sh*t about that 2-2.5 hour difference, we would not be in a relationship. That's the very definition of needy.

[youngmarried1]

We go to bed at 8:30 or 9 pm.

[hopeful1980]

So do you want her to quit the job so she can be home when you get there? Do you feel she's putting her desire to work over spending time with you?

 

What do you want to happen here?

[PandorasBox]

Sorry but you sound pretty needy if you feel 7pm is late and is taking away from time with her.

 

Sometimes, depending on the job people can not always pick and choose their times. If something like this is bothersome for you now, you got along road ahead of you if you were to face worse obstacles than this.

[JamesM]

We go to bed at 8:30 or 9 pm.

 

Why so early? Can you stay up a bit later?

 

And again, at least you go to bed together.

[Lucky_One]

Why in the world do you go to bed so early?? In the summer, it isn't even fully dark then!

[angie2443]

Why in the world do you go to bed so early?? In the summer, it isn't even fully dark then!

 

He might have a job in which he has to get up early. My H sometimes has to get up at 3:00 a.m. to go to work. When he doesn't get enough sleep on those days, everyone in the house can feel it. Don't know if this is the case here, just saying it might be.

[Star Gazer]

He might have a job in which he has to get up early. My H sometimes has to get up at 3:00 a.m. to go to work. When he doesn't get enough sleep on those days, everyone in the house can feel it. Don't know if this is the case here, just saying it might be.

 

If that is the case, then this is a case of the pot calling the kettle black, as HIS job is getting in the way of their together time.

[JamesM]

If that is the case, then this is a case of the pot calling the kettle black, as HIS job is getting in the way of their together time.

 

Bingo. You beat me to that one.

 

Compromise is needed from both.

 

I think this is about resentment because youngmarried1's feelings seemingly were not taken into consideration...in his opinion.

 

Correct?

[angie2443]

If that is the case, then this is a case of the pot calling the kettle black, as HIS job is getting in the way of their together time.

 

I was talking about why he might be going to sleep early, nothing more, nothing less.

 

I don't know why you all read more into this.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

l.y

[youngmarried1]

@hopeful1980

 

Thanks for the question. Yes, I feel like she is putting her desire to work over spending time with me. Perhaps I am being needy, but I do not believe so. She has the freedom to work or not work as she pleases my only expressed desire was that she chose a position that she would enjoy doing the work and that she find a position during the day.

 

I have made numerous changes professionally to make my marriage a priority: I work 40 hours a week when I used to work 55/55, I have cut back my community involvement significantly, and did not reenlist in the National Guard, in part, because she didn't want to worry about a deployment or lose a weekend a month together.

 

Also, she is in counseling for anxiety, etc. so this represents a big step for her. Anxiety is one of the reasons that she hasn't been looking for a job until recently. I'm happy for her that she has made many positive steps. What do I want to happen here? I want to 1) be a supportive husband and 2) prevent our lives from drifting away from one another. I'm looking for some feedback on steps that I can take to do these things in this situation.

 

The feedback thus far seems to be that I just should deal with it to accomplish those two goals. I understand that there are social, professional, and other reasons that one spouse would spend time away from the other, but I have also seen how opposing work schedules created an environment where falling out of love was a natural by product such as with my parents.

 

That said, that process of creating lives independent of one another didn't happen overnight but was a gradual process. I don't want to start that process, ever.

 

Thanks hopeful1980, 2sure, Seibert253 and JamesM who have provided who have provided meaningful feedback thus far.

[youngmarried1]

We just prefer to go to bed early and wake up early.

[youngmarried1]

@angie2443 thanks for mediating the conjecture re: "pot calling the kettle black," etc.

[JamesM]

We just prefer to go to bed early and wake up early.

 

How much time do you have together in the morning?

 

Do you think this job will help with your wife's self esteem, anxiety, and other emotional issues? Or do you think they will worsen?

 

My advice is that "this too shall pass." Accommodations and compromises can be made which will make this job have little impact on your marriage and time together.