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I love my husband very much, I just dont want to have sex with him


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Old 29th September 2009, 2:39 PM   #1
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I love my husband very much, I just dont want to have sex with him

My husband and I are very much in love. I would do anything for him. It just that, lately Ive notice that I say no to him every time he wants sex. Its not like we have sex once a month. But we started our relationship doing it 4 times a week. Is this normal in marriages? We've been married almost 4 years. But I do love him with all my heart and I cannot see my life without him. Is it me. Do I have intimacy issues or am I just not as attracted to him as I used to me. Can you have love with no intimacy?
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Old 29th September 2009, 3:04 PM   #2
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You didn't make it sound like you don't want to have sex with him or that you have grown apart. To me, you sound neutral, like you could have sex and it would be cool, but if you don't, you don't care either. Personally, I think it's normal and for some people sex just isn't that important in a relationship. Different strokes for different folks. It doesn't mean that you aren't attracted to him or that you have grown apart, but it does mean that sex is lower on the priority list. If you stop having sex for a while, you start to not need it as much (I have noticed) same thing with eating and other habits. You can choose to have more sex, and then you'd probably be right back up there wanting to have sex again. But, like I said...I see nothing wrong with this. There are different forms of love, and different ways to love someone. If you and your partner are content with the way things are, then leave it that way.
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Old 29th September 2009, 3:06 PM   #3
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Quote:
Originally Posted by hey_beautiful View Post
If you and your partner are content with the way things are, then leave it that way.
Which begs the question: is he content?
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Old 29th September 2009, 3:48 PM   #4
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confusing use of terms

When people say "in love" it implies their bodies still WANT each other. 4/week is normal in the beginning. Lots of marriages are at 2-3 times a week at the 20 year point.

Seems like you suddenly stopped wanting him. Is he crowding you a little? Are you feeling a little emotionally claustrophobic or is he just too 'safe' and that takes the spark out of it?

What if you were to try an experiment - ps without this my marriage would not be on year 20 and happy.

Accept that your body is not in the mood. Tell him - I need you to warm me up. Maybe for you that is a nice full body massage that gradually gets more sexual. Maybe you need to teach him how to talk to you in a way that gets you turned on when you start out - not turned on. Maybe you need to teach him to be more aggressive/dominant in bed.

In a marriage - when a man gets repeatedly rejected, it effects him in a bad way. I am not talking about having a bad week, though even there, show some recognition and empathy for him because you are SUDDENLY changing how you react to him.

Most marriages - if they get like this for more then a little while - some bad stuff starts to happen.

For us - we have an arrangement - when she is really not into it - but it has been a few days, I have a choice - I can accept blatant mercy sex or wait until she wants me. Usually I wait - but by day 5 I will say - I am dying here - and she just laughs and says tonight.




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Originally Posted by IhavenoFREAKINclue View Post
My husband and I are very much in love. I would do anything for him. It just that, lately Ive notice that I say no to him every time he wants sex. Its not like we have sex once a month. But we started our relationship doing it 4 times a week. Is this normal in marriages? We've been married almost 4 years. But I do love him with all my heart and I cannot see my life without him. Is it me. Do I have intimacy issues or am I just not as attracted to him as I used to me. Can you have love with no intimacy?
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Old 29th September 2009, 10:41 PM   #5
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Life..That's all it is..There are times when you won't feel sexually into him. Or intimate. The good thing is, it comes back. Don't make a big issue of this (yet) unless you find yourself happier when he's not around.

Marriages have their dry spells and just because you're not feeling "it" for him right now doesn't mean it's going to end or you're going to feel this way forever.

Question is, do you want to bring the intimacy back? Make the effort to reconnect with him? It's hard work sometimes..

Just be careful not to allow yourself to become attached, sexually, emotionally to another man during this time, all that will do is make things worse.
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Old 29th September 2009, 10:46 PM   #6
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I agree with whichwayisup. And that you need to ask yourself if you want the intimacy back. Sometimes women might not feel like having sex until they actually start doing it and then they get into it. Do you think it could be a matter of that?
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Old 29th September 2009, 10:52 PM   #7
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There will be times he disgusts you. Irritates the heck out of you..Makes your blood boil and those times you'll be thinking "OMFG - This is going to be the rest of my life!!!" Trust ME!! Those moments pass.

Noone has a perfect marriage, it takes work and acceptance..And what I mean by that is, accepting that there will be various times throughout your marriage this will happen.

Let me ask you, are you prepared for those times he isn't into you? It'll happen, so don't take it personally.
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Old 2nd October 2009, 1:53 PM   #8
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Originally Posted by hey_beautiful View Post
You didn't make it sound like you don't want to have sex with him or that you have grown apart. To me, you sound neutral, like you could have sex and it would be cool, but if you don't, you don't care either. Personally, I think it's normal and for some people sex just isn't that important in a relationship. Different strokes for different folks. It doesn't mean that you aren't attracted to him or that you have grown apart, but it does mean that sex is lower on the priority list. If you stop having sex for a while, you start to not need it as much (I have noticed) same thing with eating and other habits. You can choose to have more sex, and then you'd probably be right back up there wanting to have sex again. But, like I said...I see nothing wrong with this. There are different forms of love, and different ways to love someone. If you and your partner are content with the way things are, then leave it that way.
Lets put it this way. I could live without sex. It is not important to me. Im just worried that this means I am starting to fall out of love. If you love someone, the intimacy should be there always. But its not in our relationship. I do love him very very much but If I do love him that much, shouldn't I want to have sex with him?
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Old 2nd October 2009, 1:57 PM   #9
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Originally Posted by mem11363 View Post
Seems like you suddenly stopped wanting him. Is he crowding you a little? Are you feeling a little emotionally claustrophobic or is he just too 'safe' and that takes the spark out of it?
He does crowd me. Hes very clingy. And that is kind of a turn off to me.
And I do reject him a lot when he asks. I just dont want him to think that im no longer in love with him because I don't want to have as much sex with him as we did in the beginning.
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Old 2nd October 2009, 1:59 PM   #10
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Originally Posted by IhavenoFREAKINclue View Post
Lets put it this way. I could live without sex. It is not important to me. Im just worried that this means I am starting to fall out of love. If you love someone, the intimacy should be there always. But its not in our relationship. I do love him very very much but If I do love him that much, shouldn't I want to have sex with him?
I've been married 4 years too and sex isn't important to me like it used to be either. I still love my husband and wouldn't want to be with anyone else, but sex isn't even on my radar.

However, since it's important to my husband I make the effort. I let him know how what he can do to make it more appealing to me. As long as you are putting for the effort to make things better, I think that's what matters most.
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Old 2nd October 2009, 3:18 PM   #11
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You mention he is clingy. This can be a turn off. If he were not so clingy, do you think you'd feel differently towards sex? Maybe there is a reason he feels he needs to be clingy? Everyone has things about there partner that may be a turn off. Relationships need constant work. We realized this a few years in, and have been making it a point to work on the things that may bother the other person since. We try to make a point to talk about it, or look up new ideas to try, or find books to read on relationships for new ideas as well. (For example, we read Frequent Foreplay Miles just recently, and its very insightful. )
I don't think there are two people in the whole world that can go through their marriage and not have issues with the other person. Your two different people. If you were the same person, life would also be very boring.
Communication is the key.

I am starting to ramble, & my daughter is jumping on me. Sorry!
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Old 2nd October 2009, 3:27 PM   #12
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Originally Posted by IhavenoFREAKINclue View Post
He does crowd me. Hes very clingy. And that is kind of a turn off to me.
And I do reject him a lot when he asks. I just dont want him to think that im no longer in love with him because I don't want to have as much sex with him as we did in the beginning.
You have to tell him so he will stop being clingy. CLingy is a big deal. He is crowding you because you pulled away, so you have to tell him whats going on with you so he can pull away some. if you dont, it will get worse, and you will fall out of love with him completely. Youre already halfway there. Go have a serious discussion with him.
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Old 2nd October 2009, 4:20 PM   #13
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Not trying to make light of your situation but wouldn't it be interesting if it was your husband who started this thread: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t204189/
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Old 2nd October 2009, 5:56 PM   #14
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If you dont have sex with him and you dont WANT to have sex with him and you are constantly telling him "no" your marriage is going to fail. Relationships take more than just "love".
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Old 2nd October 2009, 10:46 PM   #15
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Sex IS a very important part of a marriage. For both parties. When you deny your husband sex, to him you are rejecting him. HE WILL FEEL YOU DO NOT LOVE HIM.

I know there's many reasons why my wife doesn't want sex and certain times. But when the rejection comes, the pain for me is there and real. In my mind she is rejecting me and my love for her. In reality it's not the case but that's how I feel.

Have you sat down with you husband and explained to him your feelings, like you've explained it to us? If you haven't you must certainly should. As a matter of fact in a counseling environment would be best. Things can be fixed. There are many emotional and physical reasons why a wife suddenly doesn't want sex anymore. You just need to figure out why, and come up with a game plan to overcome this.

I'll leave you with this thought, and take it for what it's worth: I know you love your husband, but a I can almost guarentee you, if you do not take care of him, someone else definantly will.
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