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My relationship - or, is it still a relationship?


Long-Distance Relationships Coping with geographical distance can make or break a LDR. Share your experiences and questions here.

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Old 29th November 2017, 10:37 PM   #76
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I told him that our communication is non existence and i cannot settle for such little things. He got offended and said that my words are totally undeserved. It is the quality of his feeling and not the number of conversations that counts, he said. The fact that he is not always present doesn't mean that his feeling is not more than those little things I mention. I tried to explain that serious relationship needs communication to build something truthful but in vain. I feel he is in his own world and doesn't understand.
He doesn't understand. To tell you that it is the quality of his feeling, not the number of conversations is ridiculous. Why are you wasting your time with this guy...
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Old 30th November 2017, 3:18 PM   #77
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Thank you so much for your opinion. I already know it is not working and it won't work. These days I had a chance to share with him all my opinions about our relationship. However, I felt like I'm losing my mind, in a sense that I started doubting myself if I'm not wrong again. I am not happy and I know it cannot be like that anymore, therefore I took this chance to communicate it to him. I told him that I feel like I'm receiving little pieces which are thrown to me in the moments which are convenient to him. Because we hardly ever talk about anything and I feel like we are more like colleagues. He got offended at me and said that my words were undeserved and they hurt and that this is the quality of feeling he carries for me and not the times we share or communicate. I don't agree and yet I felt like hurting him. I wanted to be clear about my needs (that's why I expressed myself so plainly). However, I felt very bad thinking about hurting him. It wasn't my intention to give him any pain. I also started doubting myself that maybe I'm wrong and so-called "needy" and I demand too much. But how can we ever built a future together if there is no natural communication between us and that all we ever share are single, short sentences from time to time. The case is closed, yet I feel so bad about my words. I just wanted to be plain, but it feels bad.
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Old 30th November 2017, 5:33 PM   #78
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Cathy, you really need to make a firm decision and then LET IT GO.
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Old 30th November 2017, 6:22 PM   #79
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I believe every reasonable person would let go?

I think that he simply cannot act otherwise.

In my head it's still ringing today that maybe I'm too demanding or needy, but indeed deep inside I made the decision. I just took up this conversation with him as a chance to clarify but I see that he prefers things to stay his way. I didn't mean to be hurtful to him, I wanted to be honest.
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Old 30th November 2017, 7:20 PM   #80
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No, I mean you. YOU need to let it go and move on with your life.

He is who he is - he is unlikely to change. You will never get any more answers or any more clarification than what you have right now. So, let it go.

YOU are suffering from paralysis by analysis. You made the decision to walk away, it's a good decision... Now, LET IT GO.
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Last edited by BaileyB; 30th November 2017 at 7:23 PM..
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Old 1st December 2017, 1:15 PM   #81
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How often do you MEET in real life? This is what counts. If you meet frequently and have good talks and intimacy plus have a timeframe when you will start living together I wouldn't care about poor communication in between, as there are persons who hate calling/texting.

But if you meet rarely and the rest of the time he doesn't communicate at all there is no romantic relationship , I'm sorry. In that case I don't understand why you are so worried about "hurting" him whilst he doesn't seem to give a **** about how YOU feel. Everything is on his terms, he keeps you at arms length only because you make him feel good, you boost his ego. He is a narcissist.

I had a similar LD relationship recently and it burnt me so badly. He was very reluctant to communicate and finally just gave me silent treatment. I dont respect him any more nor find him attractive.
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Old 2nd December 2017, 4:09 AM   #82
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Thank you. He believes that there is a special tie between us and I believed so too, when we communicated much in the beginning . Yet, later, when his new life schedule began, meaning him engaging in new hobbies in order to keep planning his day, we stopped communicating that way. How claims that his love for me is in his heart and not dependent on communication but how otherwise we can grow more together? He wants to come and see me again and expects we shall sleep together . This idea would be brilliant if I knew that we can rely on each other. In a sense i know that if he comes and leaves, there will be a period of almost no communication between us again and I simply feel I don't feel happy or comfortable, apart from being very lonely inside.



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How often do you MEET in real life? This is what counts. If you meet frequently and have good talks and intimacy plus have a timeframe when you will start living together I wouldn't care about poor communication in between, as there are persons who hate calling/texting.

But if you meet rarely and the rest of the time he doesn't communicate at all there is no romantic relationship , I'm sorry. In that case I don't understand why you are so worried about "hurting" him whilst he doesn't seem to give a **** about how YOU feel. Everything is on his terms, he keeps you at arms length only because you make him feel good, you boost his ego. He is a narcissist.

I had a similar LD relationship recently and it burnt me so badly. He was very reluctant to communicate and finally just gave me silent treatment. I dont respect him any more nor find him attractive.
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Old 2nd December 2017, 4:15 AM   #83
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Thank you Bailey.B. Deep inside I made the decision and it is the only right one, I know. As you said, indeed, i just keep analysing on and on until I'm not sure of myself. Also, I don't want to hurt him. And also, I do miss him and care for him very much. But the decision, the right one, is often the difficult one. I'm thinking in terms of the future, of the family, etc., And I already see myself alone in it. After all, at the very outset of relationship, he hardly ever asks about me, so the future would be definitely difficult for both of us. I miss sharing with so someone so much. I don't mean every day and all the time, but even this one day of the week to make it t a real quality time. Here it's like we don't know each other. I wonder that maybe there is someone out there who fits into his "model of communication" better than me.

[/B]QUOTE=BaileyB;7479268]No, I mean you. YOU need to let it go and move on with your life.

He is who he is - he is unlikely to change. You will never get any more answers or any more clarification than what you have right now. So, let it go.

YOU are suffering from paralysis by analysis. You made the decision to walk away, it's a good decision... Now, LET IT GO.[/QUOTE]
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Old 2nd December 2017, 8:38 AM   #84
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I wonder that maybe there is someone out there who fits into his "model of communication" better than me?
I doubt it. He is selfish and rigid about what he is willing to give (which isn't much, he would prefer to take and have things his way). He is also very manipulative to try and get what he wants. No self respecting woman would tolerate that for very long... Particularly because, they are getting so little in return.

Unless he changes his ways, this guy is going to be single for a long, long time... And, it is totally his choice.

You, on the other hand, now have the opportunity to meet someone nice who wants to spend time with you and build a relationship together. Good luck Cathy.
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Old 10th December 2017, 9:28 AM   #85
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BaileyB, thank you so much for your help and answers. They ensured me that I'm going in the right direction and its not me who is, perhaps, not acting in a right way. Thank you so much everyone. Sometimes there is nothing like reassurance as we are not able to think clearly.


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I doubt it. He is selfish and rigid about what he is willing to give (which isn't much, he would prefer to take and have things his way). He is also very manipulative to try and get what he wants. No self respecting woman would tolerate that for very long... Particularly because, they are getting so little in return.

Unless he changes his ways, this guy is going to be single for a long, long time... And, it is totally his choice.

You, on the other hand, now have the opportunity to meet someone nice who wants to spend time with you and build a relationship together. Good luck Cathy.
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Old 18th December 2017, 6:44 PM   #86
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How are things going with you, Cathy7? There is a little parallel with my story, in that my long-distance man until recently was sending lots of beautiful love messages and declarations of eternal adoration, but didn't want to talk about anything else, like how my day was. I understand that it can feel very lonely and despite the words, not much like love at all. I hope you have been able to maintain certainty about your feelings on this.
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Old 19th December 2017, 3:25 PM   #87
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Dear MorningLight, thank you, I've read your story and I am very sorry that you found yourself in such a strange situation which leaves you hanging between two unknown possibilities. I hope that this situation can be clarified somehow soon and that you won't suffer, as you obviously do. I truly don't understand why simple things are made so difficult in relationship. I fully sympathise with you, cannot even guess the reason why there is silence in your relationship if love is proclaimed. Perhaps it may be as in my case, that he simply doesn't know that people need comunication? In my case the person I was dating claims he loves me a lot and, indeed, I believe him, but apart from it we hardly ever communicate or exchange anything. We are kind of like strangers to each other on daily basis and, therefore, it makes me feel uneasy of the future or even meeting each other for few days just to fall in this strange lack of communication again. At the same, I realised that he doesn't know that it is wrong and he perhaps doesn't know how to do relatonship and that we are alive and have so much to share and offer apart from the same bed. He even told me (when I shared with him my view) that I keep unjustly accusing him. I tried to explain him there is no accusation at all and that I am just trying to explain something about my view, that everything in me is begging for an ordinary communication and it is not enough to meet up from time to time and make love and leave. So each time I tried to talk and mention the problem, it was as if I was doing something, so I stopped trying. This is not relationship and such arrangement makes me feel even worse, because insecure.

Anyway, yes, I'm following my resolution and the advice you all very kindly offered me because, otherwise, I see in front of myself a void of loneliness in this relationship. I am grateful for all your advice here and your time since I'm aware that in my state I cannot think very clearly. Mainly, I'm still feeling very sorry for him and I have my own feelings which always advise me rather wrongly. I feel that my decision is something that hurts him and I don't want to hurt anyone, I always have this in the back of my head and it's hard now, with Christmas and everything, and I would really wish to talk with him and hug him to my heart and tell him that I care but I know that if I do it, I would be very sorry for myself later on. It's a battle, really, but I believe the decision is right and I truly appreciate all of your help here.
Morning Light, I believe you must be feeling the same and so confused inside. I have the fingers crossed that this situation will be resolved for you as well. Perhaps we both really deserve better.

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How are things going with you, Cathy7? There is a little parallel with my story, in that my long-distance man until recently was sending lots of beautiful love messages and declarations of eternal adoration, but didn't want to talk about anything else, like how my day was. I understand that it can feel very lonely and despite the words, not much like love at all. I hope you have been able to maintain certainty about your feelings on this.
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Old 19th December 2017, 4:06 PM   #88
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Morning Light, another issue I thought about: the person you wrote about had time to post on Facebook, but no time for you. In my case, he texts his friends a lot, even when we were spending time together (physically in the same place). It makes me wonder... : /
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