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30y female, should i sacrifice my life to move to the USA to be with probable fiance?


Long-Distance Relationships Coping with geographical distance can make or break a LDR. Share your experiences and questions here.

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Old 8th January 2017, 7:28 PM   #31
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No, you shouldn't do it. I would have a different answer if you were excited about the move and had nothing much to lose, but this isn't the case.
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Old 8th January 2017, 8:09 PM   #32
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Can I easily break this down for you.

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6 months ago we were both living in the same country as expats and that's how we met, but since then we moved back to our home countries
Quote:
We dated for a year before we became long distance. Now, we have been seeing each other for two weeks every 3 months.
This math doesn't make sense to me. But the reality is the two of you really don't know each other.

Quote:
However, he prefers to stay in the USA and I would strongly prefer to stay in the UK
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He is unemployed, but he is looking for a job, and I am in a temporary position at work. His main reason for staying in the US to find a job are that the average salary for his industry is $100,000 whereas in the UK the average is $43,000 and there are more opportunities for cutting edge research.
Are you willing to risk 2 years in a foreign country on the hopes of getting $200,000 dollars paid to you...

NOT GONNA HAPPEN.

Look even if he was to get paid 100,000 salary, the government will take out 25% so were down to 75,000 This doesn't include insurance and other taxes.

cost of living - for 12 months @ 30,000

so were down to $45,000

so if he is willing to be drop dead broke for 5 years on the hopes of getting this $100,000 job to pay you this $200,000 this is a pipe dream.

I don't see it happening and is a HUGE GAMBLE

I would wait and see if this man can stabilize his career.

I would bet on your career in the medical field in the U.K. and if he works in the U.K. it will expand his resume (if his career doesn't require lengthy retraining...) because American companies love when you have expertise outside the USA. So if it doesn't workout between you two, his risk seems to be a lot less than your.

If you two don't work out a year into the relationship and you decided to move to the States, you risk I assume $100,000 in debt.

This man clearly does not have FORESIGHT and is not thinking rationally or logically or just lack fiscal knowledge and my numbers were a crude estimate. Anyone who is in the 100,000k bracket of any sector unless he is in porn or drug cartel at the age of 40 I would expect a more realistic approach

Hope that helps your decision process
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Old 8th January 2017, 10:42 PM   #33
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Are you kidding me? I live in canada and I want to move to america so badly. My boyfriend lives in New York. You also can get health insurance in America and they have states that have beautiful weather
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Old 8th January 2017, 11:15 PM   #34
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Health insurance is extremely expensive out here that is the problem with our system. healthcare is so overpriced. Unless you go on Government Medicaid or have a good employer who has great benefits, you can be screwed.


Depending on where you live the weather is gorgeous mainly in the south. AZ, Southern CA, Texas, Florida. The upper Midwest and North East is bitter cold in the winter.




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Are you kidding me? I live in canada and I want to move to america so badly. My boyfriend lives in New York. You also can get health insurance in America and they have states that have beautiful weather
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Old 8th January 2017, 11:32 PM   #35
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...
At one point, I always felt like I wanted to be in the other country, regardless of which one I was in
...
.
so true. depending on the day it's either a blessing or a curse and something pretty much every expat I know experiences. It's not uncommon to have one's heart in two places after having lived abroad for any period of time. It makes things doubly tricky when one is involved with someone from another country. An ideal situation would be to be able to live in both places

go with your heart OP
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Old 9th January 2017, 5:15 AM   #36
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Hi guys,

Thank you for your input. It got me to discuss things with him over text last night.

I said that I decided that I didn't want to move to the USA because I would have no career and no freedom. There is no guarantee I'll get into uni there and even if I did it would cost $200k plus 2-3 years retraining.

He said that he felt disappointed. He asked me 'so if i dont live in europe with you, then we cant be together?'. He said that I was issuing him with an ultimatum then. He said he wants to move to Seattle where the public transport was good. He said that nature was better in the US compared to Europe. I said the nature wasn't enough reason for me to move. He replied, 'and apparently I'm also not enough reason for you to move either'.

I asked him if he was gonna still apply to the uk for a post grad degree. He said well if we're not together then there was no reason for him to study in the UK.

I said so is that it then, are you 100% sure you want to stay in the US. He said he had told me before when we first started dating that he would eventually go back. He said he had told me all the reasons why he wanted to move back, and he didnt want to 'discuss the topic to death'. I said 'sure, but I didnt think it would be so inflexible.' I said i was upset that he didnt seem to wholly grasp the level of things I would have to give up, and that he didnt seem to have any solutions to the problems I would face. I said i was annoyed that he has just left me to cope on my own, and just expected me to follow him whilst he goes down the path of minimum effort.

I asked if he wanted to Facetime, but he said that he didnt know how talking would solve things. I said so u dont want to discuss things at all? He said that he can talk if i want to talk.

But anyways, it was getting late for him over there. So we have decided to talk in 9 hours time.
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Old 9th January 2017, 5:26 AM   #37
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Originally Posted by aintloyal View Post
So he told you he would settle in USA eventually and you thought you could change his mind? Kinda wasted everyone's time huh? You guys are not meant to be.
Yes when we first started dating, he told me that there was a very strong possibility of him going back to the US. So there have been about 8 previous discussions between us where we decided that it wouldn't work out. However, I wanted to be with him so much, that we just pottered on, and I did come round a few times to move to the usa, but my mind changes all the time. I am torn between moving with him and settling down and having a family, and just go through the difficulties, or staying in the UK where I am, but single and alone again.

He has never said that he wanted to move to the UK, he lived there for 3 months a few years ago and he didnt really like it. I thought maybe because he lived in London, in a bad area, he didnt have a good experience. I thought maybe I could persuade him to come to the UK with me through common sense and the fact that if he was with me he could settle down sooner. There are many things that he likes about the UK- the transport, the museums, the proximity to Europe, but the thing that puts him off is mainly the salary which is the same as what he has been getting for the past 13 years.

He is a software engineer, studied in Stanford. He moved to Asia because he liked the culture there, and was being paid much less than if he had stayed in the USA. He feels that it's time for him to go back, knuckle down to a high paying job, and start a family.

Oh, and we started dating April 2015, and we have been doing long distance since May 2016. So far, he came to visit me July 2016, I went to visit him August 2016, he came to visit me December 2016 and the plan was for me to visit him in the US in March 2017.

He thought that we wouldnt start discussing what I would do and make concrete plans until we knew where he found a job in the US/ found a place in uni in London so he is taken aback by my sudden decision last night that I didnt want to move anymore. He said that he had hoped that once I move there I would change my mind, and I had been hoping that he would change his mind.

What do you think is the wisest thing to do, guys? Go to the US and be with him and have a nice family, or let him come to the UK this October, do a degree, and still hope that he would change his mind then? As a nearly 30 year old, what do u think should be my priority and what are my chances of finding a new love in the UK?

Last edited by firefly123; 9th January 2017 at 5:43 AM..
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Old 9th January 2017, 6:26 AM   #38
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Originally Posted by aintloyal View Post
Why would a Stanford software engineer move to UK. All the good tech jobs are here. No way he would move to UK if he has brains and he has. If you think you are going to change his mind, you are wasting his time.
Yes thats precisely why he doesnt want to be in the UK. The maximum earnings for a software engineer is 35,000 a year here which is almost $44,000. I don't know anything about the software engineering industry in the US, he used to work briefly in the Silicone Valley and that is where he is living right now. He said that he wants to do a job that he is interested in and uses cutting edge research, which the UK doesnt seem to have.

I have no idea how much a Stanford grad would earn.

He has been really good to me, and I guess really committed to this LDR thing? He is completely loyal, honest to a fault, he travelled all the way to the UK to see me this Christmas, and he paid for a 9 day trip to Italy (food, hotel, attractions everything). He texts me every day, and replies to my messages within a few minutes of seeing them. I've been treating him too of course, paying for everything in the UK... He often mentions getting married and having kids so he is definitely marriage ready this year. I do really want to get married to him too and have kids with him, its just this US thing. Am i being really short sighted and not giving the US a chance?

Do u think it's reasonable that when he wakes up, I propose to him the idea of staying with me in the UK, until I can be sure of a university place in the USA?

I am also kind of fed up of me being the one thinking up possible solutions to our problems. We have different strengths, but thinking outside the box for solutions to problems ain't one of his.
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Old 9th January 2017, 6:50 AM   #39
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That isn't your (you and him) problem. That is your (and yours only) problem. He has been always honest with you, telling you he is settling in the US. You seem to be the one thinking one day you could change his mind but things don't work this way. He didn't deceive you. He never said he is going to live in the UK. You are the one with issues of leaving the UK so that is your problem. Not his. Everyone wants to immigrate to the US and you dont' wanna come? And marry a Stanford grad? Sounds crazy. You need to get over your attachment issues or you will regret BIG time. In about 5 years, when he is married to someone else, and you are still dating the douchebag soccer fan no job blokes in UK dating sites. Don't say I didn't warn you.
Haha thats why I am torn... I really love him, want to be with him therefore I feel guilty that I've kept him, all the while knowing that he wants to go back to the US. It's not his fault that the US requires me to retrain. He has offered to pay the fees for retraining (you have to demonstrate you have the bank balance first before enrolling so he would pay first and not me). If you say it like that, him earning $200k then sure, it makes a big difference to earning a fraction of that. He always said that he would make enough to support the both of us if need be.

I just cant help feel a bit disappointed that although he likes Europe and all, he won't really consider a permanent move to the UK. I thought that couples were supposed to work together for these things!! I thought that a good guy would be willing to make compromises for the woman he loves!

Haha thats one of my fears too being a woman of 30, the blokes in the UK are generally of dodgy quality!!! Especially the over 30s.... I am not attracted to any of the ones I meet on a day to day basis. If I had to hunt for a guy, I suppose I would have to make it a full-time occupation, maybe in London where the choice is greater. It was so much easier when I was in my early 20s, but I am afraid that it is so much harder now outside of university. Seeing all my friends getting married these past 3 years and even having their first child makes me think that maybe I should grab the bull by the horns and just take the plunge and move to the US.
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Old 9th January 2017, 6:56 AM   #40
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Sounds like he has made his mind up and that even if he came to the UK it would only be to be close to you for a year and it would not change his goal of going back to the US to ultimately settle down.
It sounds like he was as nonplussed by the UK, as you are with the US.

Many people go "travelling" for pleasure or for business or for a bit of both, but "home" is "home" and when it comes to thinking of putting down roots and settling down then "home" is often where they want to be.
He sounds like one of those, so if you do decide to go (I think that would be madness personally), then do not go thinking you can persuade him to move back to the UK in a few years time - you would be moving there permanently as long as you are with him.
Of course being a 40 yo single man who has travelled a lot and spent a long time in Asia, he could get bored with "family life" back in the US and that is another risk you run here.
He is not getting on bended knee either, is he? All talk, no action.

Of course, once you have kids then there would be custody battles and oodles of heart ache if you did then decide you had had enough and wanted to come back home. the time for decision making is now.

I see that the only reason you want to go there is that you do not want to pass on having a family and you want to be married.
Nowhere do you state that you love this man sooooo much and that you cannot envisage a life without him in it.
He is a means to an end and that IMV is not enough for you to ditch your career and move half way across the world to a place you are at best "iffy" about.
Face it, you are not going to spend years and years retraining to get to first base again, not after spending years and years training in the first place, are you?
So you are likely going to be a SAHM getting bored out of your skull in a place you do not want to be, with a man you are not "that" crazy about and who you will grow to resent, or you are going to have to grab some menial low paid job, as despite being a dentist, you are not really qualified to do much else...
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Old 9th January 2017, 7:23 AM   #41
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Sounds like he has made his mind up and that even if he came to the UK it would only be to be close to you for a year and it would not change his goal of going back to the US to ultimately settle down.
It sounds like he was as nonplussed by the UK, as you are with the US.

Many people go "travelling" for pleasure or for business or for a bit of both, but "home" is "home" and when it comes to thinking of putting down roots and settling down then "home" is often where they want to be.
He sounds like one of those, so if you do decide to go (I think that would be madness personally), then do not go thinking you can persuade him to move back to the UK in a few years time - you would be moving there permanently as long as you are with him.
Of course being a 40 yo single man who has travelled a lot and spent a long time in Asia, he could get bored with "family life" back in the US and that is another risk you run here.
He is not getting on bended knee either, is he? All talk, no action.

Of course, once you have kids then there would be custody battles and oodles of heart ache if you did then decide you had had enough and wanted to come back home. the time for decision making is now.

I see that the only reason you want to go there is that you do not want to pass on having a family and you want to be married.
Nowhere do you state that you love this man sooooo much and that you cannot envisage a life without him in it.
He is a means to an end and that IMV is not enough for you to ditch your career and move half way across the world to a place you are at best "iffy" about.
Face it, you are not going to spend years and years retraining to get to first base again, not after spending years and years training in the first place, are you?
So you are likely going to be a SAHM getting bored out of your skull in a place you do not want to be, with a man you are not "that" crazy about and who you will grow to resent, or you are going to have to grab some menial low paid job, as despite being a dentist, you are not really qualified to do much else...
I think you'd hit the nail on the head with the issues that we're facing. We both want to be at home, but we both want to get married to each other, which is impossible really.

I know that I wouldn't really want to retrain, but the option of SAHM is just terrifying for me, I might just retrain in order to get more freedom, happiness and money despite the struggle. I do have another business related degree, but I have long forgotten the course content for that. My bf suggested maybe i use that, but honestly, Id be quite lost in another career.

I'm sure he hasnt proposed to me yet since we are on a long distance relationship where we still havent decided where we are going to live. One moment I say I will be with him in the US, the next moment I say I dont want to be. He is quite a stable sort of guy, he doesnt like instability and spontaneous actions.... I'm sure if I did physically move to be there, he would propose.

I do love him a lot and am very happy when we are together. I cant say I can't imagine a life without him, as I believe I can also be happy if I had to be alone. There was a time when we had a 1 week break in our relationship, where I decided I didnt want move to the US. I missed him so much though that we got back together fairly quickly.

I've never been to Seattle, but do you think a nice lifestyle there as a dentist + software engineer is possible?
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Old 9th January 2017, 7:50 AM   #42
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I think you should move to the US and when you do don't start being whiny about the difficulties you'll face. Life is tough , the first few years will be hard but it'll be worth it. You should be prepared to learn how to drive immediately. If you are to be a whiny soiled woman than forget about it. However hard work and going for all the opportunities will pay off . When you are 40 you'll be both established, with a family a home and good careers. Follow that goal and don't give up . That's what successful people do.
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Old 9th January 2017, 7:59 AM   #43
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I am sorry this is happening to you.

I dated many foreigners in my dating years and my first question to them was do you plan on going back to your country and I'd never pursue someone answering maybe.

It's best you end this and move on.
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Old 9th January 2017, 8:13 AM   #44
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I've never been to Seattle, but do you think a nice lifestyle there as a dentist + software engineer is possible?
Anything is possible, living in a tent in the woods and scavenging for food is "possible", but I guess not for everyone.

I think what gnaws at me about your situation that everything here is on his terms, he doesn't have to sacrifice anything.
He gets to live where he wants, he can follow his career, he has no retraining to do, he can move seamlessly into a job and set up his family where he wants to live. He has given up nothing. Yes he may come to London for a while, but that "experience" just goes on his CV, he will actually have lost nothing.
He is just following his life plan and it is you who is sacrificing everything here. He will also want kids PDQ, at 40 he cannot afford to wait much longer, how will you fit retraining in with having children too?

He is sitting in the centre of the cog safe and secure, whilst you are are on the edge of the cog spinning at a great rate of knots and in danger of falling off at any moment.
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Old 9th January 2017, 8:16 AM   #45
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Health insurance is extremely expensive out here that is the problem with our system. healthcare is so overpriced. Unless you go on Government Medicaid or have a good employer who has great benefits, you can be screwed.


Depending on where you live the weather is gorgeous mainly in the south. AZ, Southern CA, Texas, Florida. The upper Midwest and North East is bitter cold in the winter.
Don't forget the newly installed government is about to cut all social security, Medicaid and what not. I would not want to move there in the current economic/political landscape. And I think weather should be the last criterium some should take into account.
Weather is ****ty were I live, but at least I don't have to starve myself to go to the doctor.
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