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30y female, should i sacrifice my life to move to the USA to be with probable fiance?


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Old 8th January 2017, 7:41 AM   #1
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30y female, should i sacrifice my life to move to the USA to be with probable fiance?

Hi everyone, looking for some advice please!

I'm a 30 year old female, living in the UK, and dating a 40 year old guy from the USA. 6 months ago we were both living in the same country as expats and that's how we met, but since then we moved back to our home countries (i.e. me to the UK and him to USA). We dated for a year before we became long distance. Now, we have been seeing each other for two weeks every 3 months.

Now we have been discussing marriage, and he is extremely keen to settle down and start a family asap and so am I. However, he prefers to stay in the USA and I would strongly prefer to stay in the UK (but I am open to the idea of moving but quite apprehensive about it). He is unemployed, but he is looking for a job, and I am in a temporary position at work. His main reason for staying in the US to find a job are that the average salary for his industry is $100,000 whereas in the UK the average is $43,000 and there are more opportunities for cutting edge research. For me, everything I feel is better in the UK: the culture, weather, people, cost of living is extremely low, quality of groceries is better, the shopping is better, I can walk everywhere, public transport is excellent, free healthcare and more thing to do. I can't drive so I feel like I would be stuck in the US, my family are in the UK, and also I would be dropping out of a career that I worked so hard for. If I start my career again in the US, I would have to retrain for 2 years in my field plus cost of $200,000 (which my bf says he would pay for). It just sounds like a lot of work.

But I also feel that I am at the age where I should prioritise having a family, 30. I have thought about looking for someone local but I have not been attracted to more than 2 people in the past 12 years. Even though I have been open minded about meeting new people, and my job actually gives me contact to hundreds of people a year I never find any of them attractive.

The guy is open to the idea of moving to the UK for a year to study a postgraduate degree this year and is applying, and I am hoping that he will like it so much here that he will stay!

Do you think that if he doesnt want to stay in the UK that I should move to the US? I dont wish to be a desperate single in my 30s and settling with someone I don't like as much or end up with a career but no children.
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Old 8th January 2017, 7:45 AM   #2
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Hi everyone, looking for some advice please!

I'm a 30 year old female, living in the UK, and dating a 40 year old guy from the USA. 6 months ago we were both living in the same country as expats and that's how we met, but since then we moved back to our home countries (i.e. me to the UK and him to USA). We dated for a year before we became long distance. Now, we have been seeing each other for two weeks every 3 months.

Now we have been discussing marriage, and he is extremely keen to settle down and start a family asap and so am I. However, he prefers to stay in the USA and I would strongly prefer to stay in the UK (but I am open to the idea of moving but quite apprehensive about it). He is unemployed, but he is looking for a job, and I am in a temporary position at work. His main reason for staying in the US to find a job are that the average salary for his industry is $100,000 whereas in the UK the average is $43,000 and there are more opportunities for cutting edge research. For me, everything I feel is better in the UK: the culture, weather, people, cost of living is extremely low, quality of groceries is better, the shopping is better, I can walk everywhere, public transport is excellent, free healthcare and more thing to do. I can't drive so I feel like I would be stuck in the US, my family are in the UK, and also I would be dropping out of a career that I worked so hard for. If I start my career again in the US, I would have to retrain for 2 years in my field plus cost of $200,000 (which my bf says he would pay for). It just sounds like a lot of work.

But I also feel that I am at the age where I should prioritise having a family, 30. I have thought about looking for someone local but I have not been attracted to more than 2 people in the past 12 years. Even though I have been open minded about meeting new people, and my job actually gives me contact to hundreds of people a year I never find any of them attractive.

The guy is open to the idea of moving to the UK for a year to study a postgraduate degree this year and is applying, and I am hoping that he will like it so much here that he will stay!

Do you think that if he doesnt want to stay in the UK that I should move to the US? I dont wish to be a desperate single in my 30s and settling with someone I don't like as much or end up with a career but no children.

Have you been to the USA? You don't seem to know this place if you claim UK has better weather than the U.S. Honestly, from all the things you're telling you aren't cut out for an international relationship.
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Old 8th January 2017, 7:55 AM   #3
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Have you been to the USA? You don't seem to know this place if you claim UK has better weather than the U.S. Honestly, from all the things you're telling you aren't cut out for an international relationship.
With the weather, he is considering Seattle. And doesnt that have worse weather than the UK?? Really UK has a bad rep for weather, but its actually mild all year round and hot in the summer.

I've been to the USA twice- NY (I thought it was edgy, but also after a week really boring compared to London, plus dirty and expensive), Chicago (it was cold but architecturally nice), San Francisco (a bit run down and also expensive), and Las Vegas. I spent last Xmas with his family in Fremont in California too. He was kind of hoping that I would like the US. I thought it was okay, but I hated the fact you couldn't walk or get to anywhere without a car. And I thought the shopping wasn't as good as the UK, the people were very different too, and I had to be careful of what I ate cos of the chemicals inside the food. His family had a huge house, but I felt like I am more accustomed to living in a small flat in the UK. At the moment, I can't think of any positives to the US really (sorry to all u Americans). For me, Europe is just tons better. But I do want to settle down with him, and start a family. So I was wondering if I should just do that and make the best of the USA, instead of trying to date in my 30s and possibly not be lucky?

I just don't get why my bf can be so stubborn about finding a job in the USA.. cos if I am not working then surely the salary doesn't really get that far, what with the high costs of living and healthcare etc. The benefits of living in the UK just seem to outweigh the low salary in my mind.

Last edited by firefly123; 8th January 2017 at 7:58 AM..
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Old 8th January 2017, 8:01 AM   #4
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I've been to the USA twice- NY (I thought it was edgy, but also after a week really boring compared to London, plus dirty and expensive), Chicago (it was cold but architecturally nice), San Francisco (a bit run down and also expensive), and Las Vegas. I spent last Xmas with his family in Fremont in California too. He was kind of hoping that I would like the US. I thought it was okay, but I hated the fact you couldn't walk or get to anywhere without a car. And I thought the shopping wasn't as good as the UK, the people were very different too, and I had to be careful of what I ate cos of the chemicals inside the food. His family had a huge house, but I felt like I am more accustomed to living in a small flat in the UK. At the moment, I can't think of any positives to the US really (sorry to all u Americans). For me, Europe is just tons better. But I do want to settle down with him, and start a family. So I was wondering if I should just do that and make the best of the USA, instead of trying to date in my 30s and possibly not be lucky?

I just don't get why my bf can be so stubborn about finding a job in the USA.. cos if I am not working then surely the salary doesn't really get that far, what with the high costs of living and healthcare etc. The benefits of living in the UK just seem to outweigh the low salary in my mind.
I've lived in Europe for 20 years and another 20 in the USA. Sorry, hun, UK is not better than US. And I lived in Beverly Hills parts of Europe. You think healthcare is better in the UK. Just check everyone's teeth. Enough said. If you've seen NYC, SFO, Chicago, and Cali ... and you think London is better, you are just biased due to familiarity OR your husband's family is white trash you didn't see good areas I don't know. Shopping is also better here and cheaper (even if you want designer clothes - with more outlets). And if you want organic you go to Whole Foods or Wegmans or Farmers Market. And cars are cheaper here. You can buy a BMW here with 1/3rd of the price you pay in the UK. I mean with the exception of culture (meaning more architecture and history) US is better.


I do know this though. There is no excitement in your post. Despite someone is offering 200K to you. If you are comparing marrying to 'start dating again' then you are definitely not ready for marriage and only considering this due to your marriage age. That is not a good reason to marry.
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Old 8th January 2017, 8:20 AM   #5
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I've lived in Europe for 20 years and another 20 in the USA. Sorry, hun, UK is not better than US. And I lived in Beverly Hills parts of Europe. You think healthcare is better in the UK. Just check everyone's teeth. Enough said. If you've seen NYC, SFO, Chicago, and Cali ... and you think London is better, you are just biased due to familiarity OR your husband's family is white trash you didn't see good areas I don't know. Shopping is also better here and cheaper (even if you want designer clothes - with more outlets). And if you want organic you go to Whole Foods or Wegmans or Farmers Market. And cars are cheaper here. You can buy a BMW here with 1/3rd of the price you pay in the UK. I mean with the exception of culture (meaning more architecture and history) US is better.


I do know this though. There is no excitement in your post. Despite someone is offering 200K to you. If you are comparing marrying to 'start dating again' then you are definitely not ready for marriage and only considering this due to your marriage age. That is not a good reason to marry.
Thanks for your input. Haha i think the people in the UK just have a lack of awareness and concern for their health and appearance in general, as dentistry and orthodontics is free, they just dont want to go. Even though cars are cheaper, I don't drive. And Wholefoods is really expensive, whereas here the price of groceries is super cheap and organic doesnt cost much more.

With shopping it is probably cheaper in the US, unless the sales are on, where the shops will slash prices to 70%. I am also used to the European food here, and the ease and cheapness to get to Europe.

I feel that I am ready to get married and really want to get married to my bf. I didn't use to want to get married, but now I am with him, I have such a strong desire to be with him and have a family. With my age being relevant, it's not like I am 20, and I can always find someone else. I really love my bf, and would prob find it hard to find someone else to match me so well if I had to start again. Plus, it sounds like all the great guys have been taken by the time they are 30!

I guess one of us has to sacrifice our home country to make it work, but i feel like he wouldn't have to sacrifice that much to come to the UK, as he already thinks it's liveable, it's just the horribly low salary that puts him off, which I feel isnt horrible at all and just average here.
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Old 8th January 2017, 8:45 AM   #6
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I wouldn't consider going until he is gainfully employed... How long has he been unemployed ?
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Old 8th January 2017, 8:53 AM   #7
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I wouldn't consider going until he is gainfully employed... How long has he been unemployed ?
He just moved back to the US mid-December so he's been unemployed for 2 months and is going to start looking soon. He has been living away from the US since 2000. He is also looking at universities in London for this October's class due to my suggestion of trying out the UK and to be with me sooner.

The main reason why he feels like he should work in the US is that the higher salary would allow him to provide better for a family life (as he feels like he is getting closer to that goal as he has found me). If I did work, I would also be earning a far higher salary than I do here ($160,000 vs $60000), but I just feel like the lower quality of life isnt justified. haha maybe I am wrong, I don't know. I just having a feeling that I wouldnt like it as much.

I stay awake at night thinking 'what am i doing, dropping my life to move for a guy? Am i making the right decision? should i take other people's advice that i should not sacrifice anything for a man?' Most articles on the web tell you to focus on ur own happiness and not give up things for a man. But on the other hand, I don't think I would be happy without him and that is the priority for me at the moment.

But on good days, I am really happy and 100% positive about moving to be with the one I love, as long as I am not thinking in detail about all the things I would miss about home.

Last edited by firefly123; 8th January 2017 at 9:01 AM..
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Old 8th January 2017, 9:29 AM   #8
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Do not do anything until he has a permanent job. OK saying he will pay your $200 000 retraining fees, but talk is cheap and if he has no job then how is he going to do that?

I do not think you like the US at all, and if you are not being blown away whilst just visiting, I think living there will be a trial and probably a disaster for you.

Once stuck at home with 3 kids I doubt that $200 000 will be seen as a priority, so just be careful about what you are signing up for here.

BTW whether you decide to go or not, make learning to drive your first task for 2017
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Old 8th January 2017, 9:51 AM   #9
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Well, I agree with Elaine that you just do not seem to like the US, so you probably wouldn't like living here. Of course if you moved to the US you will miss a lot of things about the UK. That's natural. When I visit Europe, while it's great, I still can't wait to get back to the US and things I'm familiar with. A lot of it is what you are used to.

That said, I'm really side eyeing your remarks about the quality of life being so much lower in the US. First off, you can't just refer to the US as some gigantic behemoth. The entire country is so diverse. Things are different in different parts of the country, including the people, weather, culture, shopping, prices, etc. There are absolutely places to live where you don't need a car. In fact, you visited three of them -- NYC, San Francisco, and Chicago. There are many more. But you could also learn how to drive, which would make that particular issue moot. There are many other cities where you can get by pretty well for the most part without having a car (you can walk to shops, grocery, and restaurants), but you might still need a car to get to work. Those aren't bad options either. There are absolutely places to buy organic, quality foods for good prices, including farmer's markets and other smaller shops. You can live somewhere like San Diego where it is 70 degrees and sunny all year round. You can live places with low cost of living, or high cost of living, your choice. It's just so different everywhere. I take it your boyfriend hasn't decided where he wants to live yet, but is looking at Seattle? Have you even been there? It's quite a beautiful area. You just seem to be painting the whole US with a broad brush. (And I'm honestly baffled that you thought NYC was boring.)

Moving across the ocean for a partner is a highly personal decision. I'm not sure I would want to do it or would be willing to do it, especially if it meant essentially giving up my career. And I'm also wondering how your boyfriend is going to pay $200k for you to continue your career given that he currently doesn't even have a job. (To retrain for two years plus pay $200k seems outrageous.) But I wouldn't be moving anywhere unless there was an official engagement, with ring, and wedding being planned.

It does sound like the best option for you is that he goes to school in the UK and falls in love with the place. But he may have similar feelings toward the UK that you have toward the US. There's no place like home.
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Old 8th January 2017, 9:58 AM   #10
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OP, I see where you are coming from. I am from Germany and I moved to the US for a man. I would not do it again! All your points are very valid and I felt the same way about these things even (or especially) after living there for 4 years.

Especially with the current socio-economic and political landscape, I think it is a bad idea to move to the US permanently. You say he is from California - that's still a bit better than some other parts of the US, but as you said, you need to drive everywhere, and I can see how this is inconvenient or too much of a difference from what you know.

I think it can be fun to move to a different country for a while and experience it, but make the move permanent is scary.

When two people from two different countries meet and fall in love, one will end up making a compromise, unless both want to live in the same place. And you may end up not being happy. I don't see how you will now all of a sudden change your mind about this and end up being happy there when so many things speak against it -- except that your guy is there.

I really hope he will get the PhD position in the UK so you have more time to think about where you want to settle.
Or - another idea, and something I'd consider in such a situation, just move to a different country together.

Germany is nice. The Netherlands are nice. Belgium. France. Spain. Italy. There are a lot of nice places in Europe to live, where English speaking people can find work. I am not saying this is what you should do but you could consider it and think about what would be the upsides of that.

I think sometimes it doesn't need to be either or, it could be something completely different. And maybe it would be a nice adventure to start a new life together somewhere new.
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Old 8th January 2017, 10:03 AM   #11
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OP, you refer to him as a "probable" fiance. Has he proposed? I do not think you should consider uprooting until he has done so (and you have accepted).
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Old 8th January 2017, 10:10 AM   #12
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Definitely don't move until he is employed. And even then, I personally wouldn't be willing to leave my family and my life in the UK for a man that I've known only a year... I would have to be head over heels in love for him and even then, I just don't think I'd have it in me...

But, I do agree with you.... Having traveled in both the US and the U.K., I would chose to live in the UK if I had the choice
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Old 8th January 2017, 10:25 AM   #13
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Well, I agree with Elaine that you just do not seem to like the US, so you probably wouldn't like living here. Of course if you moved to the US you will miss a lot of things about the UK. That's natural. When I visit Europe, while it's great, I still can't wait to get back to the US and things I'm familiar with. A lot of it is what you are used to.

That said, I'm really side eyeing your remarks about the quality of life being so much lower in the US. First off, you can't just refer to the US as some gigantic behemoth. The entire country is so diverse. Things are different in different parts of the country, including the people, weather, culture, shopping, prices, etc. There are absolutely places to live where you don't need a car. In fact, you visited three of them -- NYC, San Francisco, and Chicago. There are many more. But you could also learn how to drive, which would make that particular issue moot. There are many other cities where you can get by pretty well for the most part without having a car (you can walk to shops, grocery, and restaurants), but you might still need a car to get to work. Those aren't bad options either. There are absolutely places to buy organic, quality foods for good prices, including farmer's markets and other smaller shops. You can live somewhere like San Diego where it is 70 degrees and sunny all year round. You can live places with low cost of living, or high cost of living, your choice. It's just so different everywhere. I take it your boyfriend hasn't decided where he wants to live yet, but is looking at Seattle? Have you even been there? It's quite a beautiful area. You just seem to be painting the whole US with a broad brush. (And I'm honestly baffled that you thought NYC was boring.)

Moving across the ocean for a partner is a highly personal decision. I'm not sure I would want to do it or would be willing to do it, especially if it meant essentially giving up my career. And I'm also wondering how your boyfriend is going to pay $200k for you to continue your career given that he currently doesn't even have a job. (To retrain for two years plus pay $200k seems outrageous.) But I wouldn't be moving anywhere unless there was an official engagement, with ring, and wedding being planned.

It does sound like the best option for you is that he goes to school in the UK and falls in love with the place. But he may have similar feelings toward the UK that you have toward the US. There's no place like home.
Ditto....

Just want to add that the NW is absolutely gorgeous, especially for the outdoorsy person. My complaint was the dreary, grey, drizzly days, but that sounds like the UK, right?

I also wonder about his commitment to help pay $200k for a two year retraining??? What are you hoping to study? That sounds crazy expensive.
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Old 8th January 2017, 10:28 AM   #14
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I stay awake at night thinking 'what am i doing, dropping my life to move for a guy? Am i making the right decision? should i take other people's advice that i should not sacrifice anything for a man?' Most articles on the web tell you to focus on ur own happiness and not give up things for a man. But on the other hand, I don't think I would be happy without him and that is the priority for me at the moment.
If following him does not translate to you as following happiness than don't do it. There is a difference between following our own happiness and being close minded and self-centered. When I married we moved 2000km away in a place I didn't even know the language. It was hard but I saw it as an adventure and it's a period of my life I would not erase. It opened my mind and my view of the world.

It will work depending on how opened your mind is and how adventurous you feel. You sound already pretty prejudiced toward the US.

I am Canadian, my BF is from France living here. After 2 year it's still an adaptation for him but he keeps an open mind and he's welcoming integrating our society. He misses a few things from Europe but he enjoys so many new things from Canada.

I don't know, when I die I want to look back and think I lived my life fully, I took chances, I saw the world, I gave myself totally to men I loved. I don't want to look back and see a woman that always remained on the side walk and feared to live but got a bunch of money and properties she won't take to her grave anyway.
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Old 8th January 2017, 10:36 AM   #15
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I don't know, when I die I want to look back and think I lived my life fully, I took chances, I saw the world, I gave myself totally to men I loved. I don't want to look back and see a woman that always remained on the side walk and feared to live but got a bunch of money and properties she won't take to her grave anyway.
Very much agree. But, if staying in the UK, building your career, staying near family and friends is in your heart and mind, don't sacrifice that for a man.

You could always visit for an extended period of time if you can, just to see how you like it. But, not until he has a job and he is well settled.
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