jen008 Posted May 24, 2014 Share Posted May 24, 2014 I guess there are no official rules to relationships, and it's all about what works for yours. But I'm in kind of an irritating situation. I am dating a guy that is 6 years older, has an established career and pretty easy going schedule. We started taking 3 months ago online. But I'm still in college taking 20 credits and working 15-20 hours a week. My schedule is way less flexible than his. Originally, the plan was that I go visit him (2 hours away) but something came up the night before and I had to be back super early. So I proposed an idea to him that he drive down and see me. He seemed apprehensive. Only to call me last minute and say he didn't feel comfortable driving at night. Yet originally, he planned that I take the train to see him and he drops me off at night so I'm back on time for my family event. I don't know, maybe I'm just somewhat old fashioned, but I believe that a guy should come see the girl first then the girl can come visit another time after. I'm just getting a weird vibe as to why he doesn't want to visit me. He was also going to pay for my transportation with the train and everything so I know it can't be finances. Link to post Share on other sites
somedude81 Posted May 24, 2014 Share Posted May 24, 2014 If you live two hours apart, the sensible thing is to meet halfway. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
TAV Posted May 24, 2014 Share Posted May 24, 2014 I agree that meeting you first would be the chivalrous thing to do, especially since he drives, has the finances, won't risk his career if he takes some time off and won't be under any stress like you obviously are due to your many obligations. Is this a pattern in your online relationship with him? Does he take the initiative to call you? Does he come up with ways to spend time together? Suggests things you can do together online? Who came up with setting up a meeting first? Where are you going to meet him? At a neutral place or his house? What are the sleeping arrangements? Will you stay in a hotel? Is there anyone you know and trust who lives in his town? Do you have family/friends who can keep track of you when you go to meet this 'stranger'? 3 Link to post Share on other sites
FitChick Posted May 24, 2014 Share Posted May 24, 2014 He doesn't have to drive at night. He can leave Saturday morning, spend the whole day with you, have an early dinner and drive back. It's summer and doesn't get dark until later. Sounds like he wants to control you while you are in his town. You would have to depend on him and he could quite easily say, "I just want to drop something off at my apartment, would you like to come in?" If he just wants sex, he won't like the idea of having to drive to you first. On second thought, maybe he doesn't have a car. Link to post Share on other sites
Frank2thepoint Posted May 25, 2014 Share Posted May 25, 2014 Honestly, I can't believe people whine about driving two hours to meet a potential love interest. I can do such a drive, one handed, driving a manual, with one eye closed, and half asleep. I'm just getting a weird vibe as to why he doesn't want to visit me. He was also going to pay for my transportation with the train and everything so I know it can't be finances. I'm going to assume you are interested in this guy and would like to see him. So what you need to do is tell him what you think. Straight up tell him that his schedule is more flexible than yours. Also throw in some flirtatious comment that it would be very chivalrous and manly that he visits you first, because you would love to see him. Now if he begins getting apprehensive again, then lay it on him that you are getting a really weird vibe from him on why he is reluctant to visit you. Just communicate this openly with him. Don't be afraid. If he doesn't show the initiative to meet you, then you have the answer that he is lukewarm and not really looking to commit. 6 Link to post Share on other sites
HeavenOrHell Posted May 25, 2014 Share Posted May 25, 2014 I would feel so blessed if my partner only lived 2 hours away. First time we met, I traveled 300 miles and he traveled 500 miles, we met on neutral ground, he was going to come to stay in my home town at first but I felt more at ease meeting somewhere neutral. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
TMichaels Posted May 25, 2014 Share Posted May 25, 2014 I am dating a guy that is 6 years older, has an established career and pretty easy going schedule. We started taking 3 months ago online. But I'm still in college taking 20 credits and working 15-20 hours a week. My schedule is way less flexible than his. First off, you're not "dating." You've been talking to a guy online that you haven't even met. BIG difference. So, why are you playing around with a guy that's six years older that you met online when you're in college? Surely, there are hundreds/thousands of boys at your school that would be more "available." Originally, the plan was that I go visit him (2 hours away) but something came up the night before and I had to be back super early. Why was the plan for *you* to go see *him*? What were the reasons? Whose suggestion was that? For that matter, who was the one that made the suggestion you two should meet in the first place? So I proposed an idea to him that he drive down and see me. He seemed apprehensive. Only to call me last minute and say he didn't feel comfortable driving at night. Yet originally, he planned that I take the train to see him and he drops me off at night so I'm back on time for my family event. For how long were you going to stay? Where? Was there ever the suggestion made that he could drive down the next day to avoid the issue of driving in the dark? I don't know, maybe I'm just somewhat old fashioned, but I believe that a guy should come see the girl first then the girl can come visit another time after. I'm just getting a weird vibe as to why he doesn't want to visit me. He was also going to pay for my transportation with the train and everything so I know it can't be finances. No, I doubt it's finances. There's something else going on. Where did you meet this guy online? Do you Skype? Have you see him in the flesh at all? What's his relationship history? If he's had any, when did the last one end? What about you? I dunno. I think you should trust your gut when it comes to this guy which has nothing to do with being "old-fashioned." If a guy is interested, has nothing to hide, and doesn't have any mental or emotional issues, he'd be actively pursuing what it is he wants. He's not. Look at it this way... Generally, people are on their best behavior when they just meet and start dating and tend to slack off a bit once things get comfortable. If this guy can't be arsed to drive hours to see you to meet you for the first time, then how lazy and inattentive is he going to be once he's comfortable in the relationship? At this point, you've only invested three months, but I wouldn't waste any more time. Find a guy who won't be afraid of the dark -- there's a ton of them out there, jen008. Let him work out his own issues with someone else. Best, TMichaels 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Els Posted May 25, 2014 Share Posted May 25, 2014 I don't know, maybe I'm just somewhat old fashioned, but I believe that a guy should come see the girl first then the girl can come visit another time after. If this is your belief, then stick to it. There's nothing wrong with being old-fashioned. Also, as TMichaels says, trust your gut. If you're getting 'weird vibes' from a guy you've not even met before... then definitely do not travel to him! Have you Skyped with cam before? I also feel he should go to you, especially considering your personal circumstances. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted May 25, 2014 Share Posted May 25, 2014 For safety issues there is no way on earth I'd let a guy I only knew on line anywhere near where I lived. Meeting in the middle is the most prudent action at this point. Link to post Share on other sites
Ophelia27 Posted May 26, 2014 Share Posted May 26, 2014 My partner is 13 years older than me, we lived 10.000 miles apart. I was still in college when I visited him at 22. He was working. I was still the one flying over first. Of course he paid for my trip though. A college student cant be expected to cough up 1200 euros. Link to post Share on other sites
TigerLilly78 Posted May 26, 2014 Share Posted May 26, 2014 Ive met a few people off line and drawing from past experience's I don't like the fact he doesn't want to come to your area. It might be nothing but ide be rethinking things maybe take a friend with you when you go and make a light day out of it? I don't know call me paranoid but if his schedule is that open and he was ok with driving at night and all of a sudden he doesn't want to something changed just make sure to cover yourself.. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
justwhoiam Posted May 26, 2014 Share Posted May 26, 2014 he didn't feel comfortable driving at night. Yet originally, he planned that I take the train to see him and he drops me off at night I'd have a problem with a guy ready to drop me at a train station at night, alone, in a town I don't know but wouldn't do the same for me. Car or no car. Less points though for not wanting to drive in the dark. I might not want him to, because I can get scared too it might be risky if he's tired from a long day out and not having mental alertness driving back alone at night, but still happy if he's ready to do that for me. Link to post Share on other sites
FitChick Posted May 26, 2014 Share Posted May 26, 2014 She posted about this guy in February. Link to post Share on other sites
justwhoiam Posted May 26, 2014 Share Posted May 26, 2014 She posted about this guy in February. Thanks for the search, FC! Oh my, I remember that thread. Almost 4 months later we're still here weighing who's to travel where? And if sex should be in the picture? If a whole year goes by and there was no room for a meeting yet, regardless of where, and being ONLY 2 hours away from one another, this is a pointless relationship, romantically speaking. Where, in fact, nothing's romantic about it. Link to post Share on other sites
mammasita Posted May 26, 2014 Share Posted May 26, 2014 If they're not willing to make the effort to come to you (I always offer 1/2 way) then IMO, I don't think they're worth it. I agree with everything that's been said. You're in college, why are you wasting time with this yahoo. Link to post Share on other sites
Scorpio Chick Posted May 26, 2014 Share Posted May 26, 2014 Nothing wrong with being 'old fashioned' about these things. I would definitely not go to him. Let him come to you. He's the man. A somewhat burgeoning relationship with a guy I knew once never took off because he would not drive to see me. He always had an excuse. Came to find out that he had several DUI's and COULDN'T drive. Whew. Dodged it there, wouldn't you say? Don't be the least bit apologetic. A real man wouldn't even expect that a girl, a female, would drive several hours to see him. There are also safety considerations there, too, I'd say. It bodes badly for him that already this is an issue. And don't hop on the train, or plane. LET HIM COME TO YOU. If that's a sacrifice for him on the first date, do yourself a favor, let this one go. Plenty of guys out there, PAHLENTY!!!! Link to post Share on other sites
Perrier Posted May 27, 2014 Share Posted May 27, 2014 I read the book, 'The rules of online dating', by Sherri Schneider and Ellen Fein about two years ago, and boy am I glad I did. Despite the flack these women copped for their book 'The rules', this new read made lots of sense and stopped me wasting time online. One chapter is dedicated to women who are 'always' darting off to foreign countries, jumping on planes, making overnight trips etc to see men they barely know, all under the premise of their independence, knowing people in another state, being on holiday at the time the man wants her to travel, always wanting to travel to the man's area or sightsee there, or making their own sleeping arrangements. The authors stated very clearly that this is risky because it sets a one sided tone for the rest of the relationship. The man becomes lazy and takes her fro granted. In the first instances the man should be making the sacrifice. Granted your online prospect may worry about being messed around or that you'd stand him up, but his circumstances all round are much 'better' than yours so he should understand. I am surprised though that you haven't found a beau in your locale. Link to post Share on other sites
TAV Posted May 27, 2014 Share Posted May 27, 2014 I read the book, 'The rules of online dating', by Sherri Schneider and Ellen Fein about two years ago, and boy am I glad I did. Despite the flack these women copped for their book 'The rules', this new read made lots of sense and stopped me wasting time online. One chapter is dedicated to women who are 'always' darting off to foreign countries, jumping on planes, making overnight trips etc to see men they barely know, all under the premise of their independence, knowing people in another state, being on holiday at the time the man wants her to travel, always wanting to travel to the man's area or sightsee there, or making their own sleeping arrangements. The authors stated very clearly that this is risky because it sets a one sided tone for the rest of the relationship. The man becomes lazy and takes her fro granted. In the first instances the man should be making the sacrifice. Granted your online prospect may worry about being messed around or that you'd stand him up, but his circumstances all round are much 'better' than yours so he should understand. I am surprised though that you haven't found a beau in your locale. OP, at least let us know you took measures to stay safe. Link to post Share on other sites
chados Posted May 28, 2014 Share Posted May 28, 2014 I've been traveling to another continent to see my girl for two years cause she's studying and will have a great career infront of her. She's also been here two times a year for a about two-three months. Now does this bother me? Of course it does. But look when it comes down to it it's worth it to me. I don't think everyone can do it. But I do think that you can feel when it's worth working for. There's no guy or girl thing. Girls wants to be treated as a lady. But that's not the way to do it. If you want to find someone you respect as much as he respects you, I suggest both make their effort for it to work. Else one of you will feel unhappy. Link to post Share on other sites
Trufita Posted May 30, 2014 Share Posted May 30, 2014 Are you sure that he is who he says he is? Have you seen him on webcam? You have to be very careful when you meet in person someone from the internet. He should be the one going to see you, if you are the one that goes there and he is not who he says he is, you will be even in a more vulnerable position. Be careful. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
fred123 Posted May 30, 2014 Share Posted May 30, 2014 as a guy i would be willing to make the first move but i realise girls don't appreciate a guy who goes out of their way for a girl Link to post Share on other sites
TMichaels Posted May 30, 2014 Share Posted May 30, 2014 as a guy i would be willing to make the first move but i realise girls don't appreciate a guy who goes out of their way for a girl Really? What's the basis for your assertion? Best, TMichaels Link to post Share on other sites
fred123 Posted May 30, 2014 Share Posted May 30, 2014 cos i was the guy that you have all been telling about. i wanted to fly out there and i even bought her a present and booked dinner. i wanted to skype her and speak to her. i wrote her every day. i did all thr things asked of me Link to post Share on other sites
TMichaels Posted May 31, 2014 Share Posted May 31, 2014 cos i was the guy that you have all been telling about. i wanted to fly out there and i even bought her a present and booked dinner. i wanted to skype her and speak to her. i wrote her every day. i did all thr things asked of me One experience does not a rule book make. There are many reasons why a woman might rebuff a man's advances -- many of which have nothing to do with whether she'd prefer the man make the first move. Before you paint all women with the same brush, get some more experience under your belt. If you get the same response every time, then you need to re-evaluate your technique, or start approaching a different type of woman. Believe me, not all women act/react the way the one you had an bad experience with. Your best bet is not to get an attitude about it which will color all future and potential interactions. Instead, chalk it up to experience, learn from your mistakes, and move on. HTH, TMichaels Link to post Share on other sites
fred123 Posted May 31, 2014 Share Posted May 31, 2014 i understand. i want to know what my mistakes were though. i event died asking. so i can learn not to do them again and apologise for whatever it was i did- being pushy etc Link to post Share on other sites
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