how do men work?

[aevf39]

How often do men feel it is necessary to talk to their girlfriend??

 

I am in a LDR and just spent three days with my bf. We have been rocky this year, but things finally are getting back to normal (no arguments for three months), but we havent spoken since the day we left (Wed). He started work again Thurs. I decided to call tonight, but he did not answer... I do now know if i should be worried or just go with it.

 

I am just wondering how long it takes to get a relationship back to normal after a breakup and what I should expect? How do you change habits and increase phone time without nagging or being needy?

 

PLEASE HELP.

Edited January 5, 2013 by aevf39

[ladyabstrused]

How you ask? Why not try sitting down, finding a common time when both of you are level-headed enough to have a decent discussion about it? Communicate and talk about it. I think that's the best way. Then set resolutions to the problems you discuss. And then try to carry it out.

[now a teen]

1: don't leave him alone for a long period of time, you two will get farther apart

2: in my experience and a lot of experience, commonly for a relationship to go back to normal is a few days to a week to a month.

3: And i think you are over reacting, its just one call right? its not like hes constantly going to miss your calls

4:find one thing that each arguement or break up has in common: religion, habits, trust etc. so you can prevent it from happening next time

5: What you can expect NORMALY is that you guys might change how you treat eachother if your breakup was bad, don't expect you two to not argue ever again, it's human to argue and to stand up

I hope I helped

[HeavenOrHell]

It's not as if every man 'works' the same, nor does any woman. Too general a question to ask or be answered.

[aevf39]

i know not all guys are the same, but its weird for me not to hear from him for three days now.

 

it was the first time i saw him and the breakups would coincide with visits so i am just nervous even though nothing bad happened. i became a little insecure about the relationship after we broke up multiple times.

 

i just did not know if not speaking is two days after a visit is normal. i dont remember that happening before. i didnt even get texts.

 

I called him and texted him last night... still nothing, hence the nervousness

[justwhoiam]

He's being rude. Honestly, I cannot think of this happening to me. You traveled to see him and then back home, right? And he didn't even bother asking if you got home safe? Or was it the other way round and you didn't even text him? Maybe he got offended by that?

 

I would assume you're not OK with each other (yet). Think about it.

[aevf39]

i texted him when i got back saying i made it home safe. he responded and said "i love you"...

 

but nothing since. he usually contacts me in some way everyday. i called him yesterday and now today, but no response. nothing happened during the visit that was negative. i know we are not back to 100% because it was a long year, but i know we do love each other. the last breakup he said sometimes love just isnt enough, but i am confused.

 

i honestly dont know if i should just wait or call once a day or what..

even though we are not officially together, i would think that he would call me and let me know that its over. he did every other time.

 

I AM SO CONFUSED

[january2011]

Either something untoward happened to him or a return call to you is not a priority for him.

 

You can wait it out, and if you don't hear from him, you can try contacting someone who knows you both, and is in touch with him on a regular basis, to find out if something happened.

 

Or assume that he doesn't want to get in touch with you. It could be a precursor to the slow fade (odd, given the "I love you" - unless it was insincere).

 

This brings me to "he's not that into you." I don't care how busy he might be with work, if he wants to, he will call.

 

A text can go astray, but a missed call from a girlfriend is not so easy to dismiss. The ball is in his court to get in touch. It shouldn't be down to you to chase him down.

 

In an LDR, it's easy to get paranoid and insecure, especially if you don't have a lot else going on in your life. For the next few days, try to take your mind off contacting him. Focus on friends, family, work and other social activities. Then, call him again. If he doesn't pick up, then contact the mutual friend/family member.

 

In my opinion, given today's advanced technology, a week of no contact is unacceptable in an LDR, unless it has been mutually discussed and agreed upon or it's "normal" for your relationship.

 

Edit: If you are not "officially together" perhaps he doesn't consider you and the "relationship" a priority.

[umirano]

A text can go astray, but a missed call from a girlfriend is not so easy to dismiss. The ball is in his court to get in touch. It shouldn't be down to you to chase him down.

 

[...]

 

In my opinion, given today's advanced technology, a week of no contact is unacceptable in an LDR, unless it has been mutually discussed and agreed upon or it's "normal" for your relationship.

 

 

This should be the first article in the LDR codex, that anyone in a serious LDR should abide by.

[aevf39]

Either something untoward happened to him or a return call to you is not a priority for him.

 

 

In an LDR, it's easy to get paranoid and insecure, especially if you don't have a lot else going on in your life. For the next few days, try to take your mind off contacting him. Focus on friends, family, work and other social activities. Then, call him again. If he doesn't pick up, then contact the mutual friend/family member.

 

 

 

.

 

 

this much no contact is really rare for us. before this we had been speaking everyday 99% of the time. and i am a lot less busy, but all he has is work right now. no school.

 

another thing is that he told me to focus on my career and that the relationship should not interfere with that (i am applying to dental school) he said he still wants to end up in the same place, but not to let us get in the way of any future plans we have been working towards... which makes complete sense and i do not think he meant in a negative way.

 

i know he loves me because he has come back after a breakup before.. hopefully everything is ok

[outsidethebox]

How often do men feel it is necessary to talk to their girlfriend??...

 

...How do you change habits and increase phone time without nagging or being needy?

 

PLEASE HELP.

 

The short answer is when they have something to say, but more often if they don't want to pi$$ you off.

 

The only alternatives to nagging and being needy that I can think of are reason, compensation, and blackmail.

[Million.to.1]

I think you just need to talk to him about some appropriate 1 on 1 contact time.

 

Me and my boy will skype for an hour or so about once a week. We whatsapp/txt most days buy some days we don't, and some days its a brief hiya, good night etc..

 

Some time ago i realised that i liked more communication than him. I enjoyed an hour or 2 of messaging back and forth everyday.... He was happy to go 2-3 days without talking sometimes. Sometimes, he would often be distracted or not giving me his full attention and this annoyed me as it was all i really got. distracted slow txting. Yawn. I didn't want to nag or be annoying so I just explained at a good time that I wanted some "quailty" time and i just needed a little something regular to keep me positive. Distance is hard and we need to support each other... and he was more than obliging to settle on regular "dates"

 

I might not get everyday back and forth for hours, but when i do get him, he is focused and we have good stuff to share and talk about and I look forward to it.

 

 

You rang him. It's up to him to get back to you. It's a little rude i think for him to have not gotten back to you, even a txt. Your relationship sounds a bit rocky with all the break-ups. I would talk to him about the level of communication you need and reach a compromise. I do think woman (generally) like more regular communication than men in order to feel supported in the relationship. You just need to know what you need and share that with him at a good moment.

[salparadise]

You rang him. It's up to him to get back to you. It's a little rude i think for him to have not gotten back to you, even a txt.

 

Yes, it's a little rude, but it's also a passive aggressive head f*ck game. Extremely selfish and immature. Why would anyone hang around for this kind of treatment?

[aevf39]

Yes, it's a little rude, but it's also a passive aggressive head f*ck game. Extremely selfish and immature. Why would anyone hang around for this kind of treatment?

 

its not like im hanging around for it to torture myself.. i love him and he usually has an explanation but now that its been 4 days its pretty weird. i am not in the same city as him so i dont really know what is going on and i dont want to end things over something that i have no clue about right now, hence the waiting.

 

i really care about him and am hoping things are fine.

[NoMoreJerks]

I wouldn't be surprised if he comes back with a break-up mssg. He might be doing this silent treatment/mindf*ck game on purpose so that you will get pissed and tell him off (or nag him), and for him to use that as an excuse to dump you. Some men are just not very good at dumping, so they bait you and create a situation/opportunity for them to dump you. They also don't want to appear like they were the problem, because that would make them look bad, or feel guilty, so they want to make it look like you were the reason for the messed-up relationship: you and your high expectations and neediness. My ex did this. I (naively) fell into the trap... but in retrospect, there's nothing I could've done -- even if I hadn't taken the bait, he would've kept trying to put me in a situation like that, or gradually narrowed down my expectations (because I would be too scared to nag him, lest he dump me). In the end, if he wants out, he will find a way to dump you. Mine did. I could be wrong of course, but I think this is what your bf is trying to do.

 

You mention that you've broken up before: in those cases, who dumped whom and under what circumstances?

Edited January 6, 2013 by NoMoreJerks

[aevf39]

I could be wrong of course, but I think this is what your bf is trying to do.

 

You mention that you've broken up before: in those cases, who dumped whom and under what circumstances?

 

he always broke up with me.. and they were usually about neediness or an argument. i know things got to a point where it was best not to be together. its just odd because we had a nice visit and he said he loves me. i really know he does...

 

but he always came back

[NoMoreJerks]

I'd just let him be, and see where this goes. I'd be curious. When my ex (also LDR) did this sort of mind-f*ckery, I used to play along. I stopped texting , calling, etc. And because that sort of response was not what he was expecting (since I liked regular communication with him), he'd get all upset, because clearly, I did not give him the excuse he was looking for to dump me, or the attention he was trying to seek (for ego boost) by giving me the silent treatment. He either wanted me to give him an excuse to dump me, or to chase after him and in so doing boost his ego. He was never too busy to not text or call. NEVER. Who is he, the president of the United States? Anyway, when I reciprocated his silence, he would get all mad at me, and accuse ME of playing mind games. He'd usually send me an email to the effect that "Looks like we're finished." I swear, it's almost like he had this email template saved in his drafts folder -- he'd use this same line all the time....... and it was ALWAYS after HE initiated a long period of silence.... and often, this happened out of the blue, in other words, NOT after some sort of argument or a fight....

 

He had issues. I'm better off without him. I'd be careful about your bf , as it looks like he is demonstrating simlar behaviour... it might not be a pattern that you are familiar with yet, but there is a start to every pattern.... I didn't think it would be a repetitive thing when my ex did it for the first time too. I was utterly confused, etc., but by the second, third, fourth, fifth,... 20th time, I knew it was the usual mindf*ckery.

 

Your bf is blowing hot and cold, just like my ex used to do. It is extremely exhausting emotionally.... He is an emotionally unavailable man, who will not let you get too close to him. When you're too close to him for comfort, he will try to keep you at some distance or manage down your expectations, etc. Until he feels like you are being distant, and senses some danger that he'd lose you (mainly he doesn't want to lose you because you serve as an emotional crutch , ego boost, and maybe booty call as well). Then he'll be ready to blow hot again, until he feels you got too close again.... rinse, repeat.... etc. There is no winning with people like that. Believe me.

 

I would also not believe a few words he might've said, about how much he loves you. Words are just that: words. It's actions that matter more than words. I have heard of men who, time and again, profess their love to women, tell them how crazy they are for them, etc. Only for them to blow cold for a few weeks after that... and so on and so forth...

 

With people like my ex (and seemingly your bf), the "relationship" (pseudo-relationship is more like it) is a rollercoaster ride, full of drama, constant alternation between hot and cold, constant break-ups (mine was every 3 months)...

Edited January 6, 2013 by NoMoreJerks

[FitChick]

he always broke up with me.. and they were usually about neediness

 

Maybe he is testing you. Don't do anything until he responds. Meanwhile keep busy doing something he'd want to do -- skydiving, learning to drive a racecar. Maybe not that extreme but to let him know you life doesn't revolve around him. At the very least treat yourself to a movie. He might wonder if you went with someone else. Don't volunteer that you went alone.

 

On second thought, his "I love you" might have been a final goodbye. That happened to me. If that is the case, you can't and shouldn't do anything.

[aevf39]

I'd just let him be, and see where this goes. I'd be curious. When my ex (also LDR) did this sort of mind-f*ckery, I used to play along. I stopped texting , calling, etc. And because that sort of response was not what he was expecting (since I liked regular communication with him), he'd get all upset, because clearly, I did not give him the excuse he was looking for to dump me, or the attention he was trying to seek (for ego boost) by giving me the silent treatment. He either wanted me to give him an excuse to dump me, or to chase after him and in so doing boost his ego. He was never too busy to not text or call. NEVER. Who is he, the president of the United States?

 

Your bf is blowing hot and cold, just like my ex used to do. It is extremely exhausting emotionally....

...

 

well he did meet me half way for the nye visit and drove through a snow storm to see me and we went on dates and had fun and laughed and relaxed and it was an overall good time. i dont know why he would say he loves me if he doesnt mean it. i at least know he really does love me. he keeps coming back to me no matter what has happened and last time we got back together we really talked things through..

 

still no word. i am concerned, but hoping for the best. should i not answer if he calls and wait a day or so? i am not going to contact him today or tomorrow at all. i dont see a reason why he would do this. he has never just disappeared without reasons (being sick, family problems, etc) before.

 

hopefully he isnt messingn with me

[salparadise]

its not like im hanging around for it to torture myself.. i love him and he usually has an explanation but now that its been 4 days its pretty weird. i am not in the same city as him so i dont really know what is going on and i dont want to end things over something that i have no clue about right now, hence the waiting.

 

i really care about him and am hoping things are fine.

 

I admire your ability to keep an open mind and not create scenarios in your head. But, unless he got hit by a train or something, refusing to even send a text message for this length of time is nothing more or less than playing a mindf*ck game. He is showing you who he is and what you can expect in the future if you keep hanging on in spite of being treated like a doormat. He is controlling and manipulative and he is disrespecting you in such an overt way. I don't understand why you are so tolerant instead of being outraged. This would probably be a dealbreaker for me. Is this guy a prince or the catch of the century or something, or do you consider your options limited and him to be the best you'll ever do? This is anything but loving, kind and considerate.

[aevf39]

i just dont know what else to do.

 

i dont know what is going on or why he doesnt want to talk.

 

i am upset i am in this situation at all.

[justwhoiam]

even though we are not officially together

Uh? What? Don't pester him with calls, he's not your boyfriend. He's being very cautious with you after several break ups. Distance yourself a bit and see what happens.

[aevf39]

Uh? What? Don't pester him with calls, he's not your boyfriend. He's being very cautious with you after several break ups. Distance yourself a bit and see what happens.

 

 

hes not my bf but we are exclusive... and we have been together for 2 years before this

 

do you think i am being dumb and making a big deal out of nothing? or should i worry? should i ask about it? how do you prevent things like this from happening?

any advice is appreciated.

[salparadise]

hes not my bf but we are exclusive... and we have been together for 2 years before this. do you think i am being dumb and making a big deal out of nothing? or should i worry? should i ask about it? how do you prevent things like this from happening? any advice is appreciated.

 

Regardless of labels, you two are emotionally connected and depend on each other. There is reasonable expectation that he'd return calls or text messages. Heck, I feel an obligation to return calls promptly even to people I've never talked to before if they have a legitimate reason for calling.

 

You're not making a big deal of nothing. The guy is sending you the message that he has no respect or consideration for you or your feelings, that he's in control and perfectly willing to mess with your head for his own amusement.

 

You shouldn't worry. You have all the information you need to understand that this is not someone who is worthy of your respect and attention, much less love and devotion. No you shouldn't try to contact him again. You can only prevent this from happening by choosing to be with someone who never do this to you or anyone he respected. My advice is to write him out of your life and find someone who is worthy of the dedication you are capable of putting into a relationship. This assumes he didn't get run over by a train. If you need to confirm that call one of his family members and ask if he is conscious.

[umirano]

My GF used to pull off stunts like this on me. Well, she kind of had excuses. Uni, family stress. But still, logging in once a day or even just every second day and replying with a one liner like "Hey, things are pretty wild here. I love and miss you much" or something like that, is not impossible. REALLY NOT.

 

Ok, my GF is pretty young, she doesn't yet have the sense of responsibility, I guess that's one part, and another part could be cultural. In some cultures it is just more acceptable to say "I'll give you a call tomorrow night" and then not actually give it than in others. I know in my culture it would be extremely rude (unless you'd text or e-mail something like "Can't call, no credit" or "Can't call, have to tutor a friend").

 

The first time my GF did it I stopped playing along after two weeks of chasing her and getting desperate. I threatened to break up with her, which made her jump and shout within 24 hours and bombarding me with messages across all the channels. Goal achieved.

 

The second time it was shortly before I was due to visit her. The visit was good, after the visit we went through a couple of rough patches related to her losing focus, again I let her know my doubts about whether I really should accept the pain of being ignored by her or whether we take the whole attachment back a notch or two. Not only the relationship was in troubles, but also school, friends and family relations. But she started to understand herself. And she started changing her habits and she stopped seeing certain people. Now I'm moderately confident that she really changes.

 

But I'd say the painful experience of threats of break ups, and low contact as your reaction are just necessary. Because people only learn through pain. Especially when they're young. You can't explain to a teenager that drinking too much is bad. He needs to puke his brains out one day to learn how much is too much.

Edited January 7, 2013 by umirano
typos, completeness