Boyfriend is afraid. (cont from another thread)

[meeji]

This post is continued from here--> http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/long-distance-relationships/363534-personal-growth-ldr

 

I had a long talk with him last night and he told me the following:

 

He is scared ****less about relocating. Basically, the only place he can see himself being is where he is because he is terrified of change. He went on to add that he has become stagnant in a lot of aspects of his life. When he starting working for his company, it was only supposed to be a stepping stone for him to move up. He has lost his ambition and became complacent at the bottom rung of the ladder for the past 3 years. He says he realized that he does not have the skills required to obtain the job he thought he wanted, nor does he have the drive to do anything about acquiring those skills. He said he doesn't have any goals anymore. This came up when he asked for a transfer to where I am. They told him that they couldn't offer him one unless he went back to school and was promoted higher position within the company. (He doesn't want to go back to school and in a way, I don't blame him). He is hanging on to relationships built with co-workers over time and those are slowly fading away. A lot of them are moving away, getting married and moving on to better jobs and he finds himself hanging on to comfort while at the same time, limiting his opportunities.

 

About our relationship, he confessed that he got so desperate for attention from someone that his purpose for getting on that site was to find a woman and start a fling. He wasn't so much interested in learning the language or starting a committed relationship but eventually, the guilt started getting to him and he changed his mind and shortly after we met. Prior to that, he was single for 4 years. He also told me that he thought during that time he had plenty of time to be alone and to deal with himself but he realized that he didn't do anything during that time besides look for distractions to make himself feel better about himself. When we started this, I asked many questions about whether or not he was sure this was something that he could handle and he assured me it was but he told me that he was wrapped up in the bliss of starting something new and that now that its real, he is freaking out about making changes in his life. The vision he had earlier about relocating was easy to see then because it wasnt real. I guess he also didn't think that getting a transfer would be that difficult.

 

[We have been officially together for 6 months. I agreed to do an LDR for 2 years before we started making moves to close the gap]

 

He said "Right now, I can't see myself making that move.' When I said asked what right now meant he didnt really answer. So, I'm assuming he means in the time frame that I presented. Closing the distance has been one of my conditions from day 1. We discovered that I cannot legally live where he is, even if we were to get married. His country does not recognize it as a legitimate reason for residency, so him coming here is our only option.I asked him what did he want from me and he said he didn't know. I asked if he still wanted to be in the relationship and he said he loves me and doesn't want it to end. Either way, most of his answers were 'I don't know, I am so lost right now' So I tried to end it. He cried and kept asking me to wait. He asked why do we have to do this now...can't we decide later. He begged me not to end it. I said let's just break it off now and if you get yourself together contact me then. Then he said he doesn't want to to lose me. I'm confused about what I should do but it seems that he has a lot of things to work out on his own.

 

What exactly does he want me to wait for? It seems like he needs to just take some time and deal with his stuff.

 

I know for sure I don't want to be in a dead-end relationship. Honestly, I would rather be single and lonely than put myself thru an LDR forever. I got a lot of flack in the previous thread about calling him immature but he has now said it himself. What would you do in this situation?

[Carenth]

Sorry if I was overly harsh in the other thread btw. It seems like he has gotten cold feet for whatever reason, he just seems to be chucking out random reasons. If he is freaking out about making changes in his life then well.. that's not a good sign at all because moving countries for most people is a massive thing.

 

It was somewhat naive of him to dump all his hopes on a easy transfer, because generally unless you are highly skilled most companies won't be transferring you to another country.

 

I know I won't be getting a transfer when I plan to move to be with my girlfriend because the company I work for doesn't operate in her country. Though I believe I have skills that would be desirable over there. I'm not going to be going over unprepared though. I just got promoted last week so I will be saving most of the money I make next year so that I will have a bit of a buffer zone when I do arrive in my girlfriends country.

 

I would be breaking it off tbh, a LDR without an end point or if neither party can or refuses to move then it's pretty much dead.

[meeji]

yea, I wouldn't say the he is throwing out random excuses. I believe that he is lost and maybe thinking about having a future with me made him realize that he hasn't been planning any kind of future at all. I agree with you. It seems like cold feet.

 

I think that he thinks somehow he is going to talk himself into trying to move but that's not really practical either. I guess that's why he is asking me to wait, maybe...? I would much rather break it off and see if he comes back, rather than wait around for him to fight his fears and possibly flip flop a number of times before he finally realizes that he just cant do it.

 

What are the chances that this situation could actually turn around?

[Els]

Okay, I just want to put it out there that many people often underestimate how much guts and trust in a person and the longevity of your relationship you need, to be able to move to a country SOLELY to be with them. Leaving behind your job, your culture, the geographical location, your friends, your family, virtually everything you know and love, to be with someone. It is easier for some (experienced travellers with little left for them at home), more difficult for some (introverts who are attached to home). Your bf sounds like the latter.

 

I don't blame him for getting cold feet when the time came to move. Doing is not the same as planning. Especially if some portion of the move was irreversible (giving up a job, etc).

 

I moved to be with my bf, but it was easier for me in that I had needed to relocate anyway (moving from a 3rd world country to a developed one, though I might have chosen a different one if it weren't for him), and had just graduated when I moved so there was no job holding me back. It was still much, much harder than I thought it would be. I would NEVER have done it for a partner of just 6 months!

 

What country is this that does not accept marriage as a way in for you? The countries I DO know that don't accept marriage, accept proof of living together. So you can just go there on a tourist visa, live together, and when you have lived together for a period of time you can apply for residency.

[meeji]

Okay, I just want to put it out there that many people often underestimate how much guts and trust in a person and the longevity of your relationship you need, to be able to move to a country SOLELY to be with them. Leaving behind your job, your culture, the geographical location, your friends, your family, virtually everything you know and love, to be with someone. It is easier for some (experienced travellers with little left for them at home), more difficult for some (introverts who are attached to home). Your bf sounds like the latter.

 

I don't blame him for getting cold feet when the time came to move. Doing is not the same as planning. Especially if some portion of the move was irreversible (giving up a job, etc).

 

I moved to be with my bf, but it was easier for me in that I had needed to relocate anyway (moving from a 3rd world country to a developed one, though I might have chosen a different one if it weren't for him), and had just graduated when I moved so there was no job holding me back. It was still much, much harder than I thought it would be. I would NEVER have done it for a partner of just 6 months!

 

What country is this that does not accept marriage as a way in for you? The countries I DO know that don't accept marriage, accept proof of living together. So you can just go there on a tourist visa, live together, and when you have lived together for a period of time you can apply for residency.

 

He used to live in my country and he still has family here. Before we met, he wanted to move back here so that wasn't all just because of me. He said that he had been thinking about his fond childhood memories in my country and that's what made him think this is what he wanted.

 

The job he has is also here in my country but there, it is a permanent positio. In my country, it is a contract. He would have to get promoted in order to be transferred to a permanent position in my country because the standards are different. He knows that he will be able to work here with no problem, without sacrificing his pay or benefits. We have already researched all of that so the job isn't the issue. Since he is bilingual, it should be pretty easy for him.

 

He doesn't have any family where he lives now. He left his home country 3 years ago for that job, which was an upgrade. He has his co-workers and thats its. He is from a poor country also so going home is also something he is not interested in doing.

 

The time has not come to move. yet. I agreed to do LD for up to 2years. We are at 6 months so.... there is a while between now and then. I wouldn't move for someone after 6 months either and I would never expect someone to do that for me. Its a ridiculous request. However, I wanted to know whether or not it was something he was willing to consider before diving in. At that time, it was. We also did our research to see what options I would have to come there. He lives in Ireland and I'm in the US. The only way I could live there is if I found a job that would sponsor my visa. I don't have any background in my work history for any sort of job that is in demand over there for foreigners.

 

Going on a tourist visa only allows me to stay there for 3 months..and then what? That route is pretty bleek. They have something for people who are in live-in relationships with proof, for a minimum of 2 years. A tourist visa isn't long enough and.. he is not a citizen of that country so it really wouldn't apply to us either way.

 

I guess I forgot to mention that the country he lives in isn't his native country, which does add a twist to the story.

[Els]

Ah, okay. In that case, I think if you feel this R could be worth it, you should just give it more time before contemplating the move. He is just being honest with you in that he isn't sure now if he can move, and I don't see how he can be sure 6 months in. It's good to have plans but not really a good idea to push for constant confirmation and promise this early in, IMO, because any rational and honest person would tell you, "I can't promise you yet."

[meeji]

Ah, okay. In that case, I think if you feel this R could be worth it, you should just give it more time before contemplating the move. He is just being honest with you in that he isn't sure now if he can move, and I don't see how he can be sure 6 months in. It's good to have plans but not really a good idea to push for constant confirmation and promise this early in, IMO, because any rational and honest person would tell you, "I can't promise you yet."

 

I agree. That is fair. The thing is though, that now we are not only talking about him moving...

 

we are not talking about all of these other things that he has to deal with outside of the relationship. I was thinking of breaking it off because it seems he has lost himself. How can anyone invest in a relationship when they don't even know who they are or what they want?

 

Thanks for your comment

[HeavenOrHell]

A lot of what you wrote sounds like my partner, I'll try and respond tomorrow.

Also, please try and ease up on asking him so many questions about the future, he will feel backed into a corner, it won't help, trust me, it puts too much pressure on.

More tomorrow.

 

 

 

This post is continued from here--> http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/long-distance-relationships/363534-personal-growth-ldr

 

I had a long talk with him last night and he told me the following:

 

He is scared ****less about relocating. Basically, the only place he can see himself being is where he is because he is terrified of change. He went on to add that he has become stagnant in a lot of aspects of his life. When he starting working for his company, it was only supposed to be a stepping stone for him to move up. He has lost his ambition and became complacent at the bottom rung of the ladder for the past 3 years. He says he realized that he does not have the skills required to obtain the job he thought he wanted, nor does he have the drive to do anything about acquiring those skills. He said he doesn't have any goals anymore. This came up when he asked for a transfer to where I am. They told him that they couldn't offer him one unless he went back to school and was promoted higher position within the company. (He doesn't want to go back to school and in a way, I don't blame him). He is hanging on to relationships built with co-workers over time and those are slowly fading away. A lot of them are moving away, getting married and moving on to better jobs and he finds himself hanging on to comfort while at the same time, limiting his opportunities.

 

About our relationship, he confessed that he got so desperate for attention from someone that his purpose for getting on that site was to find a woman and start a fling. He wasn't so much interested in learning the language or starting a committed relationship but eventually, the guilt started getting to him and he changed his mind and shortly after we met. Prior to that, he was single for 4 years. He also told me that he thought during that time he had plenty of time to be alone and to deal with himself but he realized that he didn't do anything during that time besides look for distractions to make himself feel better about himself. When we started this, I asked many questions about whether or not he was sure this was something that he could handle and he assured me it was but he told me that he was wrapped up in the bliss of starting something new and that now that its real, he is freaking out about making changes in his life. The vision he had earlier about relocating was easy to see then because it wasnt real. I guess he also didn't think that getting a transfer would be that difficult.

 

[We have been officially together for 6 months. I agreed to do an LDR for 2 years before we started making moves to close the gap]

 

He said "Right now, I can't see myself making that move.' When I said asked what right now meant he didnt really answer. So, I'm assuming he means in the time frame that I presented. Closing the distance has been one of my conditions from day 1. We discovered that I cannot legally live where he is, even if we were to get married. His country does not recognize it as a legitimate reason for residency, so him coming here is our only option.I asked him what did he want from me and he said he didn't know. I asked if he still wanted to be in the relationship and he said he loves me and doesn't want it to end. Either way, most of his answers were 'I don't know, I am so lost right now' So I tried to end it. He cried and kept asking me to wait. He asked why do we have to do this now...can't we decide later. He begged me not to end it. I said let's just break it off now and if you get yourself together contact me then. Then he said he doesn't want to to lose me. I'm confused about what I should do but it seems that he has a lot of things to work out on his own.

 

What exactly does he want me to wait for? It seems like he needs to just take some time and deal with his stuff.

 

I know for sure I don't want to be in a dead-end relationship. Honestly, I would rather be single and lonely than put myself thru an LDR forever. I got a lot of flack in the previous thread about calling him immature but he has now said it himself. What would you do in this situation?

[meeji]

A lot of what you wrote sounds like my partner, I'll try and respond tomorrow.

Also, please try and ease up on asking him so many questions about the future, he will feel backed into a corner, it won't help, trust me, it puts too much pressure on.

More tomorrow.

 

Thanks! I haven't been bringing it up. We talked about it when we first started and then again when we both looked at jobs back in November. He said that he was okay with it at first and then it started to eat him up and that is when he finally told me all of this stuff about the move.

 

If your bf sounds like this then I'm sure you have some insight for me. I haven't never dealt with anyone that is confused about so many things.

[HeavenOrHell]

Can I ask how many times you've met up?

 

 

Thanks! I haven't been bringing it up. We talked about it when we first started and then again when we both looked at jobs back in November. He said that he was okay with it at first and then it started to eat him up and that is when he finally told me all of this stuff about the move.

 

If your bf sounds like this then I'm sure you have some insight for me. I haven't never dealt with anyone that is confused about so many things.

[meeji]

Can I ask how many times you've met up?

 

Only once. The first time we met I went to his country. At the end of January he will be visiting me. We also have a trip booked for April another in august.

[HeavenOrHell]

The first time I met my partner face to face was about 3-4 months after we started talking online, and then on phone and skype, we shared a lot before we met up, and both come out of very LTR's a few months before, the first time we met IRL he said he wanted it to be forever.

 

The second time we met he was talking about moving over within a couple of years, that he'd ask for a transfer, or work from home, or free lance, while he was saying this I was thinking' shut up, don't say this if you don't mean it, it's too early to talk about this yet, I'm not ready, don't say it just because you're all excited about us'.

 

He kept wanting to talk about it the next few weeks and I said it's too early to talk about it, he got upset and said I didn't sound committed to us, I said I am committed to us but it's early days for us yet, I am being cautious, it's only been a few months since I came out of my last r/ship, he said he was scared too, but that he didn't want to not take risks on the off chance we wouldn't work out, that he didn't want to operate in an anxious way as it were, he wanted to think positively about us.

 

He said it made sense for him to be the one to move, that he didn't have a life there and wasn't happy there, whereas I am happy here and do have a life here, and have health issues.

He said he was worried about coming on too heavy with me, but that we did need to talk about the future,

 

I delayed it a few months, but did feel pressured into talking about it.

When I was ready to talk about it, several months later, he then said 'we don't need to talk about it endlessly'. He said he felt backed into a corner.

Which was annoying, as it was his idea to talk about it in the first place.

I said I'm talking about it because you put the idea in my head, that I couldn't really do this long distance longer than another 2 years, that if he felt pressured then forget it because it's not my style to pressure anyone.

 

I said are you still going to ask your boss about transferring, he hadn't mentioned it for a while, I felt I had to nudge him into doing it, which he did, last year, (a year and 4 months after we became a couple) when his bosses said they couldn't afford to transfer him he seemed floored by it, more than I thought he would be, cos by this point I didn't know if he was just asking for my sake, or whether he still wanted to do it.

 

I thought he would look for other jobs in his field over here, but he said he'd be unlikely to find anything, so I gave up thinking about it at that point, yet, he was head hunted with his last job, but I realise the job market has crashed since then.

 

It wasn't realistic of him to say he'd move. I'm sure he meant it, but he couldn't actually do it, even if his current company could have transferred him, I don't know if he would have.

 

He started to become distant with me after that, I wasn't sure if this was because he thought I'd leave him if he couldn't move, the first time we talked after he was told no by his bosses, he sounded despondent, he said maybe we should call it a day now before we get even closer, I said I didn't want to give up.

But he stayed more distant, which I found hard.

 

He went from being very expressive and loving and demonstrative to treating me like a friend, pretty much, then had a lot of stress at work which was getting to him, all culminating in us breaking up briefly a few months later, he said we'd become friends and that it was his fault, work stress, that he wasn't sure he was in the right place to be in a r/ship, that he felt torn. I assumed he didn't love me enough anymore.

I said let's have a clean break and hope we can be friends in time.

We had a few days no contact and it was horrible.

We got back in touch and had a long chat. He said it wasn't because he loved me any less, but he just wasn't sure he could give enough to us, but was worried he'd ****ed up something special.

 

Bottom line is we took all pressure about the future out of the equation, we started just enjoying what we have in the here and now, we became closer again, but not 'officially' together anymore.

He doesn't open up about emotions.

I thought I'd walk away if we couldn't live closer, but I can't because I love our daily contact and our visits, we've met 20 times or so. We've been together 2.9 years.

 

I realised quite early on in our r/ship that in some ways he is a like a little boy, I thought he was adaptable, but he's not, he's not a 'man of the world' at all, he was terrified of moving and when the reality of it set in he procrastinated and put it to one side, so when I started talking about it he didn't want to hear it.

 

I wish he'd never said he'd do it, but he never meant to let me down, he was just caught up in the moment, but the reality was he was too scared to leave behind everything he knows, his flat, job his parents, he doesn't bother with friends, he's a loner. He relies a lot on his parents. He's a few years younger then me, I've been around the block a lot more than him.

I think he'd only truly consider moving if his parents were no longer alive.

He's sweet, and in some ways naive.

I can't see him ever moving.

 

He's good at beating himself up over things (I am about myself too).

He'd have found it hard if I'd asked him the 40 questions, it would be putting him on the spot too much, someone who finds it hard to talk about emotions would find that hard to do.

 

You can't really force someone to think or talk about certain things, we can gently encourage, but without pressure.

 

You said it took him a week and half to answer the questions, as if that was a long time, no offence but that's a very quick response for someone who finds things like that hard to do, some people wouldn't be able to answer them at all.

I think you should just let things evolve naturally at their own pace, don't push him for answers, especially if you've only met once or twice so far.

 

I had a lot of phases in the early days when I said to him I'm not sure I'm ready to be in a r/ship again yet, (my last r/ship was for 18 years) and that I need time and space to grow, but I realised that in an LDR you do have space and time to grow, and that I didn't need to be single to do it.

When you said about the 40 questions being like a team building exercise it sounds too much like a job interview, these sorts of questions should be talked about bit by bit face to face and not in a questionnaire. No offence meant here at all, but this is how it comes across to me.

 

Bear in mind you find it easy to talk about these things and he doesn't.

You've only met once, IMO it's too soon to be talking about relocating, you need to spend more time together. Let things unfold naturally, without rushing ahead.

He wants you to wait until he knows how he feels and what he wants, he needs you to give him time, if you push him he will feel he can't give you what you need.

 

If he knows you are thinking about calling it day because he's not able to commit to moving, he will be feel under enormous pressure. He will feel that you're giving up on him too easily, that you're not prepared to wait until he feels more sure of his feelings, and being sure of feelings only comes with time, they can't be rushed.

 

I'd rather stay with my partner (for now at least, or until it no longer feels right) even if there is no end in sight, I love him too much to stop.

But it's understandable if you need more than your partner is able to give you.

Hope this all makes sense, I do understand where you are coming from, I can see where he is coming from as well.

I truly hope you can work things out together bit by bit.

[HeavenOrHell]

Sorry that was so long

[meeji]

Sorry that was so long

 

Thanks for taking the time to type all of that. It made perfect sense. Everyone is acting like I am demanding that he give a flat out yes or no, right now. That is not the case. I just want to know that relocation is an option. Up until he the point where he says "That just isn't going to happen," I am fine with staying in the relationship ...but I feel like that's basically what he is trying to say now. What I got was that he is too scared to do it, he has lost himself and he has a lot of things to sort out. He didn't say "I'm scared about it but I am still willing to consider it."

 

Your situation sounds similar to mine. The only difference is that one or the other isn't nagging about future plans. We decided that him moving was the more realistic option, as far a who was going to make the move,we established a time line and, looked at the job market. It was left at that. He's just now updating me that the though of it is freaking him out.

 

When we talk again, we'll see what happens. Its a tough situation for anyone who is in an LDR.

 

Question, so you and your guy are going to LD for an undetermined amount of time? Are you guys exclusive or has the relationship been opened up? Its kind of a personal question but I'm curious about what percentage of couples view open relationships as a solution for the distance.

[HeavenOrHell]

I think that's just how it came across from what you've said here, pushing too hard for an answer, maybe you weren't like that with him at all.

 

I didn't push my partner for an answer as such, but when he'd not mentioned moving again for a few months I had to ask if he had changed his idea about moving, and that I couldn't do this indefinitely, but even that to him felt like he was backed into a corner (his words), and the reason he felt that was the slightest hint of me talking about him moving scared the s*it out of him Even though it was his idea to do it, once reality set in, he couldn't cope with it, if he was an adaptable, more confident person, then he could cope with it.

 

So from our second visit I knew relocation was on the cards as he brought it up and said he wanted to do it.

 

I never nagged him about it, never pinned him down for answers or demanded anything from him, but to him it felt like I was because even though I talked about it in a gentle non pressuring way he didn't want to talk about it anymore, and I felt upset as it was his idea in the first place, I felt he'd promised something he couldn't give, which is something I've never done to anybody, that I'd been so looking forward to a it and he'd taken it away.

 

We went from him talking excitedly about moving, having a timeline, and that he'd find a way to do it, from him then not talking about it and then him feeling pressured when I was ready to talk about it, to him being told he couldn't transfer, him being more distant with me after that, almost as if he couldn't deal with the whole situation anymore if we didn't have a future together, to him saying him moving might never happen. So, sounds similar to your situation.

 

He said he's never felt pressured by me in our r/ship, that he's only ever pressured himself, he's often said sorry he's a messed up or f*cked up person. He's no more messed up than I am He just lacks confidence and finds things hard, same as I do.

 

The way things are now is, we're not thinking or talking about the future, but what we have is better than stopping. The last time we talked about, about 3 months ago, he said he can't change things at the moment, but that could change.

 

So it's been a mixture of it's going happen to it might never happen to can't change things at the moment/for the foreseeable.

 

I've mostly given up the idea, thinking and dreaming about it is pointless.

I now think why should the pressure have been on just him to move, he finds it no easier to move countries than I do and no way can I move, it doesn't mean I don't love him enough or don't care about him enough. But then I only thought about it in the first place as he said he wanted to do it.

 

Yes, we're now doing this for an undetermined amount of time, I realise many people would not do this and I totally understand that, there have been many times I've wanted to walk, and then the one time we did end it and it was worse.

 

Yes we're exclusive, we don't want to see anyone else or for the other to see anyone else, we'd hate that. Open r/ship has never been an option for us and never will be, we only want each other, we find ways to keep the intimacy, closeness and bonding going when apart.

 

I can probably only stay in it as we meet up every other month, usually, if it was every few months I would find that far harder.

 

No idea how long we'll do this for, I know the likelihood is not for long, but when you still love each other it's painful to end it, but it will probably come to the point where it's more painful to stay in it than to break up.

 

I would never do an LDR again, I wish I'd never got into it in the first place.

 

 

Thanks for taking the time to type all of that. It made perfect sense. Everyone is acting like I am demanding that he give a flat out yes or no, right now. That is not the case. I just want to know that relocation is an option. Up until he the point where he says "That just isn't going to happen," I am fine with staying in the relationship ...but I feel like that's basically what he is trying to say now. What I got was that he is too scared to do it, he has lost himself and he has a lot of things to sort out. He didn't say "I'm scared about it but I am still willing to consider it."

 

Your situation sounds similar to mine. The only difference is that one or the other isn't nagging about future plans. We decided that him moving was the more realistic option, as far a who was going to make the move,we established a time line and, looked at the job market. It was left at that. He's just now updating me that the though of it is freaking him out.

 

When we talk again, we'll see what happens. Its a tough situation for anyone who is in an LDR.

 

Question, so you and your guy are going to LD for an undetermined amount of time? Are you guys exclusive or has the relationship been opened up? Its kind of a personal question but I'm curious about what percentage of couples view open relationships as a solution for the distance.

[HeavenOrHell]

Has he ever said about moving, or has the idea only ever come from you? Does he ever initiate talking about it?

 

You used the word 'nagging', does that mean you feel maybe you are pushing him for answers and he feels nagged because he's scared?

 

I still say give him time, it's early days yet, it would be hard for anyone to consider relocating after meeting a person only once, maybe the more times you meet, the closer you'll become and he'll feel more able to come to the conclusion himself about moving.

 

With my partner whenever there's been a problem I've always been so careful to not overly question him, (because he finds it hard to talk about things), or sound like I'm having a go at him, or pressure him, nagging's never been my style, I'd rather run in the opposite direction than make someone feel they're being nagged, I prefer someone does something because they want to and not because they feel put on the spot.

 

I'm not saying you're doing this either, but maybe just think about whether he is feeling pressured and why.

 

My partner isn't proactive, or forthcoming with feelings, which can make things very hard and he knows it, I never try and make him open up or do things he doesn't want to do, but I have gently encouraged him with things.

 

I've not totally given up the idea of us living closer, maybe one day we'll both move somewhere neutral, then we'd be in the same boat and both help each other with it. I just don't know, for now I've put it to one side.

In the meantime we've got closer and closer, and breaking up isn't an option right now.

 

Thanks for taking the time to type all of that. It made perfect sense. Everyone is acting like I am demanding that he give a flat out yes or no, right now. That is not the case. I just want to know that relocation is an option. Up until he the point where he says "That just isn't going to happen," I am fine with staying in the relationship ...but I feel like that's basically what he is trying to say now. What I got was that he is too scared to do it, he has lost himself and he has a lot of things to sort out. He didn't say "I'm scared about it but I am still willing to consider it."

 

Your situation sounds similar to mine. The only difference is that one or the other isn't nagging about future plans. We decided that him moving was the more realistic option, as far a who was going to make the move,we established a time line and, looked at the job market. It was left at that. He's just now updating me that the though of it is freaking him out.

 

When we talk again, we'll see what happens. Its a tough situation for anyone who is in an LDR.

 

Question, so you and your guy are going to LD for an undetermined amount of time? Are you guys exclusive or has the relationship been opened up? Its kind of a personal question but I'm curious about what percentage of couples view open relationships as a solution for the distance.

[HeavenOrHell]

It can come across as over analysing if all these questions about the future and how things are going to go are being asked, I think in day to day r/ships (ie not LDR's), these things just happen naturally over time, ie the time will feel right to move in together, it's not usual from early on to say let's move in such and such a time, it happens when it feels right, not as part of a plan as such.

 

I think it takes the spontaneity and romance out of it if there's a set of questions to be answered.

 

I've learnt to not look far ahead in this LDR, I just look forward to our evening chats or our next visit instead.

[meeji]

I want to thanks everyone for the helpful input. It is nice to have a community to toss around stories and different ideas.

 

This morning we were supposed to talk and he wasn't there. He texted me saying that he wanted to talk later tonight because he made plans to go out with his friends. Well, since I thought we were talking in the morning, I also made plans with my friends. When I asked why he didn't contact me to tell me that our chat arrangements changed he just said that he doesn't know what to say to me so, like every other confrontation he avoids he added the talk to the list.

 

Previously, I decided that I was going to just sit back and let nature run it's course. I expressed that I still had an interest in being in the relationship and said that I would take the pressure off by giving him more time to cross that bridge when we got to it. I apologized for making him feel pressured, even though I think that most of it was blown of proportion on his end because when he started getting antsy about it he didn't express that. Instead he bottled it up and I was unaware of his feelings until they became explosive. None the less, I bit the bullet and took the wrap for that. I said some other things too but he hasn't had the opportunity to read any of it yet.

 

Since the ordeal this morning, I have been thinking about how he is choosing to be non-communicative and avoidant which inadvertently put me in a situation where I felt like A: he wasn't being considerate by letting me know that he needed more time and failed to reschedule B: That this situation is something that reluctantly or not, he is willing to avoid and allow to manifest into an ever bigger cluster-you-know-what because he is too much of a coward to even have a discussion about the relationship C:He expects me to cancel my plans to talk when he is ready to talk but it is perfectly alright for him to stand me up over plans he has made when had pior arrangements. He asked me to wait until tuesday morning to talk again and I did but the way that he just blew me off without notice seems a little immature and disregarding.

 

I didn't expect him to have a decision made. I just wanted to talk about how I felt and what I have been thinking about during the past couple of days that we hadn't been communicating. It wasn't like I just randomly contacted him and expected him to drop whatever he was doing to talk with me. I waited until the set time we agreed on and seeing how he handled that makes me wonder how many times I'm going to be ignored when the going gets tough. A coward will always be a coward until they decide to grow a pair.

 

So now I am thinking about breaking it off not because of the relocation issue but I feel like no matter how this guy feels/says he feels about me He just doesn't seem ready to deal with things when they are necessary to be dealt with. He has been avoiding so many things for so long that I'm not sure if he can handle being in a relationship, period. At least not the kind that the kind goes beyond the maturity of a high school couple. He wants the convenience of being in a relationship and the validation from another person to maintain his esteem but when it comes to giving it seems like he only knows how to give under the condition of a return or just more partial to the taking part.

 

I will try not to pester you guys about this much longer. As the days go by I am formulating my own thoughts and opinions and I will return to this thread if something changes. For now, I'm going to sleep on it for a couple of nights and make a final decision.

[meeji]

I broke it off. We decided to go through with the plans for his trip here, at the end of the month. From now until then, we are NC. I think he needs time to just deal with himself. He went out with some of his friends and they gave him advice. He said that he realized that most of the advice that they gave him was basically the same stuff that I had been saying all along and that the first mistake was no communicating his feelings to me. He said realizes now the magnitude of his immaturity and that he doesn't think he is ready for a mature relationship. I agree.

 

I'm just not interested in being with someone who doesn't know whether or not they want to be with me, So its only fair to myself to just cut my losses at this point. I'm concerned that when he comes here, he is going to be all emotional and trying to get back with me. but.. I'll cross that bridge when I get there. I think that sometimes guys don't realize what they have until it is gone and maybe the time apart will put some things in perspective. At least if it doesn't work out that way, we can say our goodbyes in person and make a clean break.

 

Thanks again for the advice.

[umirano]

meeji, I'm glad you finally took that step. Just to console you, some girls too don't know what they have until it's gone That's very human. We all only learn through pain. Talk is cheap. And just listening and agreeing is even cheaper. Action speaks, words are nothing.

 

All the best to you!

[meeji]

meeji, I'm glad you finally took that step. Just to console you, some girls too don't know what they have until it's gone That's very human. We all only learn through pain. Talk is cheap. And just listening and agreeing is even cheaper. Action speaks, words are nothing.

 

All the best to you!

Thanks! His intentions were good but the execution of them wasn't very good. You can offer someone love but you can't make them love you. I'm sad that something that started off so swell had to end like this but... what can you do. I'll be okay.

[HeavenOrHell]

Sorry things haven't worked out, he sounds like a good person but just not ready to be in a committed relationship right now, maybe he won't be for a long time.

I've struggled at times with the fact my partner isn't good at talking about feelings, he knows it causes problems and he doesn't feel good about it, frustrated with himself, it made me less able to talk about my feelings as well, but I've got better at it.

 

Can you deal with meeting up at the end of the month if it's purely to break up? I wouldn't be able to.

I'd prefer a clean break and then maybe down the line come back as friends, but I think meeting up this month will just prolong things for you. You haven't really broken it off if you're going to meet and hoping he'll want you back.

But whatever works best for you is the main thing.

 

 

 

 

I broke it off. We decided to go through with the plans for his trip here, at the end of the month. From now until then, we are NC. I think he needs time to just deal with himself. He went out with some of his friends and they gave him advice. He said that he realized that most of the advice that they gave him was basically the same stuff that I had been saying all along and that the first mistake was no communicating his feelings to me. He said realizes now the magnitude of his immaturity and that he doesn't think he is ready for a mature relationship. I agree.

 

I'm just not interested in being with someone who doesn't know whether or not they want to be with me, So its only fair to myself to just cut my losses at this point. I'm concerned that when he comes here, he is going to be all emotional and trying to get back with me. but.. I'll cross that bridge when I get there. I think that sometimes guys don't realize what they have until it is gone and maybe the time apart will put some things in perspective. At least if it doesn't work out that way, we can say our goodbyes in person and make a clean break.

 

Thanks again for the advice.

[meeji]

I dont know. At first I told him that I didn't want him to come and he threw a fit. He was pretty firm about that all along. He also said that he had similar feelings about our april trip (that's already booked).

 

I think that I will be okay when he comes here. I have always been able to handle breakups pretty well. The reason why i say that he might change his mind when he comes here is because he keeps saying that he wants to spend time with me to make sure that his feelings are real and not just the affects of honeymoon lights. We are out of that phase so I think that he is thinking that however he feels about me while he is here will give him the certainty that he is looking for. He is confused about a lot of things and questioning everything. I guess he wants to give his heart an opportunity to help him decide.

 

Even though all of this chaos came from it, I do not regret asking the questions that I did. Technically, this is what I wanted. I thought he was immature and that he needed to be more introspective. He has since realized a lot of things about himself and the departments that are lacking. It may be the end of our relationship but it will be awesome for the next girl. I want him to be happy and successful so I don't think of it as a bad thing. When he grows up and decides that he is ready, he will be a great boyfriend to someone. Its just not me, right now.

 

Text/email breakups are kind of cheap. I prefer face to face in all situations. I also thing that it is more real when you watch that person walk away, knowing that is the end. It hurts more, sure.. but its much better for closure. I dont want my heart strings dangling around after a break up. If someone can stand in front of you, look you in the face and say "This is over," and then walk away... you know they mean it.

 

As for the april trip, he got insurance she he can cancel his flight and get a refund (in the event that it is really over) By that point, I don't think that I will be interested in spending time with him there. We're going to Japan. I will be traveling with another friend so I'll be going on that trip, with or without him.

 

I don't do the "let's be friends," I have 6 month minimum requirement before any kind of communication happens. I think he is also having a hard time accepting that he is not an exception to that rule.

 

Maybe I sound like a B..but I guess I have been through enough relationships to know that I am tired of the BS. I used to think that things could easily change and be hopeful for this and that and trying harder doesn't necessarily change anything at all. I'm tired dating (in general) and he knew that when we started. I was very apprehensive to start this in the first place and he just confirmed all of those reason why. I gave it a fair shot and if its not good for me or him or us, I can walk away it knowing that at least I will have peace of mind when the smoke clears the air.

Edited January 2, 2013 by meeji