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I promised not to snoop again, but I REALLY want to confront her!


Cheating, Flirting, and Jealousy Being unfaithful to your significant other or suspect them of the same? Can't stand the way they flirt? Jealous? Discuss your experiences here.

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Old 20th September 2017, 1:22 AM   #1
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I promised not to snoop again, but I REALLY want to confront her!

Hi. I’m new here and looking for some advice. The background is I’m 23, she is 20, and we’ve been together about 2 years. I have to admit she’s perfect as far as I’m concerned, and I can definitely say I love her. She says she loves me too, and for the most part I believe her, as she does treat me great for the most part, but sometimes I do have my doubts. I mean ‘love’ is a big word. But for sure this is the best and most serious relationship I’ve ever been in.

Now, I’ll admit that I’m the type of guy that gets jealous easy, and likes to be in control. But you have to understand the situation. The “problem” is my gf is really hot. She’s a model and she looks absolutely perfect, face and body. You could ask any guy at our high school and they’d tell you she was the hottest girl at the whole school. Which of course means that guys are always checking her out and hitting on her where ever she goes. I try to be understanding, since I know how guys are and she doesn’t really flirt with them, but I think any guy would at least get a little jealous. I tried to minimize the problem by just not letting her go to places I thought were “dangerous” and getting her to dress more appropriately, but she resisted that and said I was too “controlling”, and we’d just end up arguing. Apparently she thinks that she should be able to do whatever she wants and dress however she wants even tho we’re supposed to be in a serious relationship (we’ve even talked marriage, btw).

Well, at some point, I admit I let my worrying get the best of me, and I resorted to snooping and spying on her. I had some of my friends spying on her, and I was tracking her via her cell phone. When she found out, she got really mad at me and we got into a big fight. It ended with me promising not to snoop anymore. However, not long after that, I started getting suspicious again and I started tracking her again and monitoring her phone. Eventually (thx to a snitch) I got caught again, and the sh*t really hit the fan. She was crying, saying she would never cheat on me and I had no reason to not trust her, and she swore she’d break up with me if I didn’t stop “treating her like a prisoner”. I thought she was exaggerating a bit, and I did think I had some reason to be suspicious, but I admitted to her that breaking into her phone again was wrong, and I promised never to do it again.

That was last year. I quit snooping and tried to just trust her, and everything did seem to be going well. But then, after a few months, I started noticing something that made me suspicious again. School had started, so she moved a bit farther away, and I wasn’t able to see her as often. I understood there was nothing she could do about this, we had to plan things around our schedules and she needed time to study, but the problem was that she seemed to have an awful lot of time for her friends. I noticed she was always doing stuff with “friends”, even tho she had less free time now, and I felt it was cutting into our time together. But what really alarmed me was that, although she acted like she wanted to see me more, and even acted really disappointed when we couldn’t get together, she still didn’t seem to really care. It was even common for her to tell me we couldn’t go out because she already had plans with “some friends”.

So, at some point, I admit I broke down. I didn’t think she was cheating, but I didn’t know all her friends and was DYING of curiosity. I had to know who all these great “friends” were that were so important that she couldn’t go out with me. So I snooped again. Yes, I know it was wrong, but I couldn’t help myself. She had erected a lot of barriers since the first two times she caught me, but I’m pretty ‘technically inclined’ and was able to get around some of them.

At first, I didn’t notice anything unusual but some new friends. But then I started looking at messages. I couldn’t read any of them but I could see who it was and when. I was shocked to see an enormous number of messages both to and from this certain dude ‘CJ’. I checked out his profile. He was single, but he didn’t seem her type, and I normally would not have felt “threatened”. But the number of messages was insane. They had lengthy conversations every day, sometimes only 5-10 msgs over a few minutes, but often over 100 over the course of an hour or two. This “friend” was a very good “friend” indeed.

Now, obviously I just have to confront her about this guy, but the question is how? I can’t bring up all the messages or else she’d know I snooped again. I tried just asking her about this guy, in a subtle way, acting casual so she wouldn’t get off guard, but she’s already defensive because of the previous snooping. All she’ll tell me is that he’s a “friend”, but when I ask more about him, she immediately gets on the defensive, saying things like “Why do you ask?”, “How do you know about him?”, or “Have you been snooping again?”. The conversation then becomes all about my snooping and trust in a relationship, and I end up being the one on the defensive, with all of my questions going unanswered while I have to defend myself as to why I’m probing her.

So now I have no idea how to proceed. I do trust her and don’t think she’s cheating, but I feel I have the right to know more about this guy if she’s talking to him that much. But without being able to confront her about all the messages, I really don’t have any leverage. And it really pisses me off. She’ll be lecturing me on why I should trust her and how possessing and controlling I am, and I so want to then say ‘well, what the hell is this!’ and show her all of the messages I’ve found. But I can’t. I just have to sit there and listen to her berate me, and then apologize afterwards and tell her that yes, I trust her. And I do. But I can’t help but be suspicious of this guy with all the conversation between them. And I think any guy in my shoes would feel the same.

So my question is what should I do? Should I take the chance of just confronting her about the messages and admit that I snooped again? After all, if I didn’t snoop, I wouldn’t have found out about this guy. Or should I “play it safe” and just not say anything and wait until I can confront her later? And if so, how can I deal with this terrible feeling of worry until then? I can’t help but imagine negative things when I know she’s out with her “friends”, especially now that I know one of them is a dude she messaged over 50 times yesterday.
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Old 20th September 2017, 2:39 AM   #2
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Break up with her.
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Old 20th September 2017, 4:12 AM   #3
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There is a big difference between snooping because you are controlling, paranoid or just a jerk and snooping because you think someone is trying to pull the wool over your eyes...

I think there is a bit of the two at play here, BUT your snooping has discovered that she is messaging another guy "inappropriately" as she is supposed to be in a relationship with you.

I know she is "hot", but that does not tend to make up for the hassle and angst that she is putting you through.
She is young, she is going to get loads of attention if she is that "hot" and she is not really "gf material" at the moment as she lives further away, is not that interested in seeing you, feels somewhat "trapped" by you, and she has surrounded herself with other friends and is now messaging another guy all of the time...
All perfectly normal stuff for a 20 yo, but not what you need in a gf.
Cut your losses and run.
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Old 20th September 2017, 4:45 AM   #4
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Hi Brunkle, either do what umirano and Elaine suggested or stop your jealousy in it's tracks. Your GF is gonna do what she does and you either put up with it or let her go. In fact if you hold your horses with her you will get to see which way the wind is blowing. If she is serious about you she will stay true to you(assuming she has a moral compass to talk about) or she will wave you good bye. What you have to remember is that you cannot control the way she thinks and behaves and you certainly cannot control her moral compass. Either way, you will get to know of her intentions pretty soon. Warm wishes.
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Old 20th September 2017, 4:46 AM   #5
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Dump her and find someone who doesn't treat you like such an idiot.

At least you can console yourself with the fact that you were one of a probably very large pack of guys that got to bang her when she was still hot.

Looks are not forever. Character is.
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Old 20th September 2017, 5:55 AM   #6
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If you want a break up with some humiliation for you, go a head and confront her about the texts. Unless you have a solid proof of cheating or inappropriate behavior, you have really no cards to play with.

BTW - why can't you join when she's out with friends?
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Old 20th September 2017, 6:46 AM   #7
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This is a tough one - if you love her, then dumping her isn't going to be something you want to do. The trouble is, confronting her about the messages is going to:

1) Piss her off
2) Reinforce her idea of you being controlling
3) Give her a ready made excuse to leave you/cheat on you

Is there any way you can investigate more without tipping her off? Somehow get a look at the messages? I don't really think you have any other option (unless you want to ignore this "friendship" completely - and then you're a sitting duck if they move this to a full-blown affair, if it isn't already).

If this guy is single and she's hot, there's now way he won't want her. Even if she's being faithful to you, it's the easiest thing in the world for him to sit back and agree with her about how controlling you are, how she's better than that, etc.
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Old 20th September 2017, 6:54 AM   #8
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What you say vs. your actions:

You say you trust her - You don't trust her.
You say you don't think she's cheating - You highly suspect she's cheating.

She has more time for her friends because she doesn't have to be on guard all the time. They don't judge, criticize, snoop, or control her. They don't tell her what to wear unless maybe they tell her those pants make her butt look big or the color makes her look sallow. She can have fun and just be herself.

You are young, live far away, and you're moving in different life directions. It takes an incredibly strong person to be involved with someone exceptionally beautiful and popular. There has to be a strong bond and strong level of trust and work from both parties to make it work. Look at the shelf-life of a lot of celebrity relationships. There is just a ton of stuff to work around, a lot of pressure, jealousy, temptation, etc.

You have a strong indication that not only is she moving on, but she doesn't enjoy you, and your high level of control is not helping. You've already crossed serious boundaries twice...now three times...that you have cared to share. She's not your child.

I think it's time to move on. There may be nothing physical, but there could be an emotional affair happening. She is not placing boundaries. Neither are you.
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Old 20th September 2017, 7:35 AM   #9
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"You know, Xname, I love you and respect our relationship. I would never do anything to compromise what we have. Is there anything that you think we need to address or work on together? I want you to know you can talk to me about anything and I am willing to talk about even things that may be difficult to talk about". You aren't accusing her of anything or revealing that you snooped. I'd say that the fact is there are other things that caused you to be suspicious. Then, you observe her reactions and, if she has even an ounce of conscience and is cheating or planning to cheat, it will show and/or she will cave to this perceived pressure. And, if she becomes defensive, calls you out for snooping because raising this may cause that suspicion, you end the relationship right then and there. Give her a chance to come clean but don't accept anything else than the truth. Even if she tells the truth, you still end it but you can walk away without wondering if you did the right thing.
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Old 20th September 2017, 8:40 AM   #10
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Well, you can ask her if there is anything she wants to tell you....? If she starts accusing you of snooping, cut her off and tell her you are not - that's why you are asking. If she asks why, just say that you get the feeling that you are very low priority with her, and she is acting like she is getting ready to leave the relationship. Then she can lie to your face and tell you that you are her only love, the sun and moon sets around you, bla, bla, bla. Then you can break up with her. OR-

Just break up with her. You know 'CJ' is going to be your replacement anyway, so leave the relationship on your own terms, with your honor intact. Really, this is why I stay away from really hot, model material women. They know it and have an infinite number of orbiters just waiting for you to screw up, so the relationship is on her terms and you must act like a sniveling, whipped dog in order to keep her. Don't go there, just don't. There exist women out there who will be really grateful for your attention, and not play you for a fool.... find one of them and be happy.
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Old 20th September 2017, 9:23 AM   #11
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[]

Is your gf a model?

Has she known her friend sense childhood?

Is his father and rich doctor?

Did you just double date with this friend and his gf?

[]

Last edited by LoveShack.org Moderator; 21st September 2017 at 12:15 PM.. Reason: Topical content
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Old 20th September 2017, 9:36 AM   #12
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your paranoia is ruining everything

Tell her what you have continued to do -- snoop, spy on her, read her messages, failed to trust her & most importantly lied to her. You won't have to do anything because if this girl has a brain in her head she will dump you on the spot.


All the snooping, all your tracking you have found NOTHING. She may be talking to this CJ but you don't know why. For all you know he's her lab partner & they are discussing the finer points of frogs.


You promised her that you would stop snooping yet you continue. You don't deserve a girl like her. You don't have enough respect for her to think that she can handle herself. Guess what -- yes hot girls get hit on all the time but so do women you don't personally find hot. She cannot control how other people perceive her or interact with her. All she can do is a be a person of good character who honors the commitments she made to you. She is doing that. You are the one who is acting in a manner that is not conducive to a healthy trusting relationship. Your paranoia will destroy this relationship, if it hasn't already.


As for you trying to tell her where she can go -- to avoid places you consider "dangerous" -- and how to dress "more appropriately", of course she thinks you are controlling & she feels like a prisoner. That is how you are treating her. If you are so bent on controlling the women you date, convert to some repressive religion. In modern America you don't get a say. If her behavior bothers you, date somebody else but stop thinking you are entitled to tell her how to behave. You are not her father; you are not her jailer & if you can't learn to love, respect & trust her you will shortly be her EX BF. Frankly, now that she's off at a new school & out of your clutches as she experiences more of the world, I don't see your relationship lasting through this school year.
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Old 20th September 2017, 9:58 AM   #13
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Sorry OP, you brought this on yourself. Anyone who lays all the blame on her obviously didn't read the first 2/3 of your opening post.
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Old 20th September 2017, 11:35 AM   #14
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Thanks for everyone's honest replies. You all have given me a lot to think about here.

For the record, I know I'm wrong to snoop and that I have anger and control issues. I admit that, and I know it's something I need to work on. And yet I do truly love her and don't want to just give up. Breaking up with her isn't really something I want to do at this point.

Actually, I think the best advice was right here:

Quote:
Originally Posted by Redhead14 View Post
"You know, Xname, I love you and respect our relationship. I would never do anything to compromise what we have. Is there anything that you think we need to address or work on together? I want you to know you can talk to me about anything and I am willing to talk about even things that may be difficult to talk about". You aren't accusing her of anything or revealing that you snooped. I'd say that the fact is there are other things that caused you to be suspicious. Then, you observe her reactions and, if she has even an ounce of conscience and is cheating or planning to cheat, it will show and/or she will cave to this perceived pressure. And, if she becomes defensive, calls you out for snooping because raising this may cause that suspicion, you end the relationship right then and there. Give her a chance to come clean but don't accept anything else than the truth. Even if she tells the truth, you still end it but you can walk away without wondering if you did the right thing.
I like this idea! Don't risk telling her I snooped again, but subtly ask her things and note how she reacts! Hopefully, if there's something bad going on I'll pick up on it, not necessarily by what she says, but how she says it. I know her intimately and ideally if something's going on I'm going to either eventually intuit it, or else she'll accidentally say something that will let the cat out of the bag. Thank you Redhead. What I underlined really seems like the perfect thing to say.

I'll try this, and let everyone know how it goes....
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Old 20th September 2017, 11:40 AM   #15
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[] Sorry OP but you need a sea change in your attitude. Wish you well.

Last edited by LoveShack.org Moderator; 21st September 2017 at 12:16 PM.. Reason: Topical content
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