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Girlfriend hid our relationship and flirted with others. Now she makes it visible.


Cheating, Flirting, and Jealousy Being unfaithful to your significant other or suspect them of the same? Can't stand the way they flirt? Jealous? Discuss your experiences here.

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Old 6th January 2017, 1:51 PM   #1
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Girlfriend hid our relationship and flirted with others. Now she makes it visible.

I've been with my girlfriend now for about 3 months. I'm 29 and she's 26. She's had a history of dating bad boy players. (I happen to have had my fair share of psycho exes, if that's worth even mentioning.) During the summer, she was dating a bad boy who she fell hardcore for. After a shortwhile, he played her and she was crushed. (She's been played several times by guys in her past.) We got into a relationship about a month after he screwed her over. In retrospect, I can see how that was a bit quick.

My problem I had was this.. And before people get on me for making this about Facebook, just hear me out-- When I made the relationship update on facebook, she accepted it but she kept her relationship status private on her page. And over the course of these 3 months, she's been adding some random single guys from our area and flirting with them on their facebook. I'll admit, I did snoop on their pages to find this information. Only because it seemed fishy that she was adding these random single guys from our area. She was Liking their pictures, and even put heart emojis on a status one of the guys made. Clearly being flirtatious.

She's one of those girls who likes to puts alot on facebook. And during the time she was adding these guys, she was posting very minimally about me. Which is odd behavior for her.

I never said anything to her, I just watched from afar. I noticed a couple of days ago, three months into our relationship, she deleted the random guys she added and she has our relationship status visible on her page now. Which tells me, my suspicions were true and she was DEFINITELY adding random local guys and flirting with them since we've been together, and disguising herself as being single. Even though she deleted them and made our relationship status visible, should I be wary?

I've read about being a "beta provider" which I guess is what I am to here. I do treat her well. She's had a history of dating alphas/bad boy. She's told her friends in the past that she wants stability for herself and her son, and that she wants to get married (I think part of that is because she sees alot of her friends getting married and being happy couples.) Am I a rebound or a consolation prize? The fact that she deleted them and made our relationship status visible seems like a good sign, but should I be wary over the fact that she did that in the first place?
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Old 6th January 2017, 2:33 PM   #2
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She is testing the waters to see if she can bed another Alpha and when she gets her fill of validation, she will "settle" for you.

I'm really sorry this is happening.

You sound like a really nice guy.

I was one once. Until something bad happened and I became a Monster.
Please do yourself a favor and get rid of her. It is a vicious cycle that will never end as long as she knows you are always good for a fallback plan. And it will eventually drive you to be not very nice.

Don't end up like me. Get out now before you end up being driven over the edge.

Do yourself a huge solid and Google "No More Mr. Nice Guy". It is available in PDF form online for free. And read it this weekend. Its a short read but it will open your eyes. And it WILL help you, sir!

I wish it had been available 30 years ago. My life may have ended up different.

Again I'm sorry. But ACT...doing nothing is also a choice but life is too short to not act when the opportunity presents itself. And this opportunity has more than presented itself.
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Old 6th January 2017, 2:59 PM   #3
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Your gut feeling could be very right. IMO if it's feeling no right, then it's not. I'm sure you are feeling your deserve better than this....so why settle? I know not all single moms are like this, but you do have to be very cautious, or you may find yourself being taken for granted or taken advantage of.
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Old 6th January 2017, 4:46 PM   #4
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Sounds to me like in the first few months she was keeping her options open but has only lately now settled definitively on you. Are you sure as this was going on that you were solely exclusive and established firm boundaries?

With that said, it's still somewhat troubling she did this because it could be an admission that she wasn't totally into you and you alone and was maybe looking for different or saw you as a rebound with terminal utility to her.

I would probably bail having once been in a similar situation which brought me here. Never again though.

And yes, that book is a great one to read.
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Old 6th January 2017, 4:57 PM   #5
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When a woman tells you that she's always dated bad guys, it's a glaring red flag. I believe that women who like 'bad boys' (ie; men who treat them badly) are broken. I mean, would a woman who had her head screwed on right choose a bad boy?

She's doing her current behaviour because she's broken. She still wants the drama which comes from being in a screwed up relationship.

Think twice before you continue. And make sure to remember that you can't save her or fix her. Just concentrate on figuring out what you need for yourself.
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Old 6th January 2017, 5:21 PM   #6
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Im with everyone else on this, I would at the very least be on guard. She went after the bad boys cause they were easy to get rid of. Think about that. Its a comitment thing mixed with a jaded messed up past. Maybe a while back when this was happening (adding and flirting with the guys), she was just unsure about you. Fair enough. To go around disguising as single, well thats a whole different story. Not fair to you. If you see it again, especially after time passed, you know what you are to her. I would not 'say nothing' and act like you dont notice either. Call her out on it. Its behaviour nobody should accept, so dont sweep it under the rug and get used to it. If she continues, and you do accept it and get used to it as 'just flirting' then you arent seeing her side, or the other guys side. To her and the guys she is flirting with, she is esentially telling them "im single" or "im not serious about that guy" or something like "just try a little harder, I like the attention." She is making you as invisible as possible, and as things progress, to the other guys: you are a nobody. Thats all her doing.

Single.. fine. But if she is in a relationship with someone (you) then its disrespectful, to say the very least. And once she sees you 1) dont notice or 2) notice but dont set boundaries and call her out on it as not good: she will continue. And........ it will get worse. Use your imagination.

Up to you what you want to do here, but remember that at some point you and her had some sort of understanding and talk, and you became "official" I mean thats why you changed your status. Usually its the girl to start that. But in any case, you had that talk. And she showed you with action that she is capable of having that talk, deciding magnanimous official 1/1 ride or die kinda relationship..... and at the same time acting single behind your back. Whats to stop her at this point? Roses, a nice date, nice words? Seriously. One bad day or argument and she might go right back to being anyones girlfriend, and that can get much more ugly than flirting o FB if you dont put your foot down now.

Last edited by gorf; 6th January 2017 at 5:24 PM..
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Old 6th January 2017, 5:25 PM   #7
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IMO she isn't broken, but lacks self worth and is immature. There will be a time in her life when she will grow out of this. Maybe this is her time adjusting and maturing....BUT this sort of this will not happen over night. She's still young, and the young ones do love attention to make them feel "special" like they mean something.

Seriously tho, if you feel you have to search through your partner's phone without them knowing is a sign you shouldn't be in that relationship or any if this is a habit when going into a relationship.
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Old 8th January 2017, 3:20 PM   #8
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Quote:
Originally Posted by fireflywy View Post
Sounds to me like in the first few months she was keeping her options open but has only lately now settled definitively on you. Are you sure as this was going on that you were solely exclusive and established firm boundaries?

With that said, it's still somewhat troubling she did this because it could be an admission that she wasn't totally into you and you alone and was maybe looking for different or saw you as a rebound with terminal utility to her.

I would probably bail having once been in a similar situation which brought me here. Never again though.

And yes, that book is a great one to read.
Thanks for your honesty. May I ask what your similar situation was?
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Old 8th January 2017, 3:22 PM   #9
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Originally Posted by gorf View Post
Im with everyone else on this, I would at the very least be on guard. She went after the bad boys cause they were easy to get rid of. Think about that. Its a comitment thing mixed with a jaded messed up past. Maybe a while back when this was happening (adding and flirting with the guys), she was just unsure about you. Fair enough. To go around disguising as single, well thats a whole different story. Not fair to you. If you see it again, especially after time passed, you know what you are to her. I would not 'say nothing' and act like you dont notice either. Call her out on it. Its behaviour nobody should accept, so dont sweep it under the rug and get used to it. If she continues, and you do accept it and get used to it as 'just flirting' then you arent seeing her side, or the other guys side. To her and the guys she is flirting with, she is esentially telling them "im single" or "im not serious about that guy" or something like "just try a little harder, I like the attention." She is making you as invisible as possible, and as things progress, to the other guys: you are a nobody. Thats all her doing.

Single.. fine. But if she is in a relationship with someone (you) then its disrespectful, to say the very least. And once she sees you 1) dont notice or 2) notice but dont set boundaries and call her out on it as not good: she will continue. And........ it will get worse. Use your imagination.

Up to you what you want to do here, but remember that at some point you and her had some sort of understanding and talk, and you became "official" I mean thats why you changed your status. Usually its the girl to start that. But in any case, you had that talk. And she showed you with action that she is capable of having that talk, deciding magnanimous official 1/1 ride or die kinda relationship..... and at the same time acting single behind your back. Whats to stop her at this point? Roses, a nice date, nice words? Seriously. One bad day or argument and she might go right back to being anyones girlfriend, and that can get much more ugly than flirting o FB if you dont put your foot down now.
Do you think that came off as clingy or desperate that I initiated the relationship change first? Do you think I forced her into a relationship and she accepted because she was feeling vulnerable from her previous pain from the month before? (the player)
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Old 9th January 2017, 2:10 PM   #10
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I think the past is a pretty good predictor of the future especially with people.

You know she has a history of being attracted to these so-called 'Alpha' males (ie. sociopaths and narcissists) so it is logical to imagine she still is attracted to them. You were obviously nice to her when she was in a bad situation and she is grateful for that but thats probably all your relationship is based on. Also you should honestly examine your own motives in helping her. Was it purely altruistic or was it you exploiting her vulnerability to persuade her into a relationship with you? You may not even be consciously aware of doing this. Rescuing broken women is usually a bad basis for a relationship IMO. Thats what therapists are for...

Either way, I think its likely she will cheat on you with the next 'Alpha' that pays her attention.

Last edited by Whitestar; 9th January 2017 at 2:42 PM..
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Old 9th January 2017, 2:53 PM   #11
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Which of you said "I love you" first? When?

Get a book called MARRIED MAN SEX LIFE PRIMER. Its a relationship guide for men though it sounds like a sex guide.

The NO MORE MISTER NICE GUY book is good too but you will quickly see if it applies to you. It can be down;loaded for free. MMSLP can be bought online at Barnes and Noble and amazon.
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Old 9th January 2017, 6:10 PM   #12
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Quote:
Originally Posted by jeremyhoward View Post
Do you think that came off as clingy or desperate that I initiated the relationship change first? Do you think I forced her into a relationship and she accepted because she was feeling vulnerable from her previous pain from the month before? (the player)
You don't get it, Jeremy.

She only cares about what you do for her until a guy sends her a pic of his abs and off she'll go, not even remembering you exist, until she has her fun and comes back to Mister Nice Guy. Lather Rinse, Repeat.


She is going to chew you up and spit you out like a 2 dollar steak.
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Old 9th January 2017, 6:14 PM   #13
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Find and watch "The Last American Virgin".

There is a character in the film named Gary, who from your story, could be you.

That is you future with this chick.

RUN!
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Old 10th January 2017, 10:32 AM   #14
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Originally Posted by Space Ritual View Post
Find and watch "The Last American Virgin".

There is a character in the film named Gary, who from your story, could be you.

That is you future with this chick.

RUN!
Hehehe... I was thinking the exact same thing.

The ending of that movie is absolutely brutal.
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Old 10th January 2017, 10:46 AM   #15
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She was probably keeping her FB status hidden for 3 months because she didn't want her ex bad boy to see she was now dating you. She was hoping he would come back to her but once she realizes that wasn't going to happen she updated her status to include you. If you marry this woman just know that you will probably never have the sex life you dreamed of because she will always pine for the bad boy. You will be frustrated.
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