Jump to content

My girlfriend kissed another guy (or he kissed her I guess..) and other complications


Recommended Posts

OKAY - sorry for the length....

 

So my girlfriend and I had an argument on new years and she went to hang out with her friends (two of whom are boys that I always felt like they maybe flirted). In any case, she ends up drinking a bunch and hanging out there all night because we argued and wanted to have some space.

 

Next day we meet up to kinda settle the dispute and move on. In passing she mentions that one of her friends kissed her on the cheek. I didn't like that so I told her about what I think about her guy friends and about how this shows that they are flirting and all. In any case, we talked for a bit and it was all okay. She decided she would distance herself from them.

 

Two days later - she calls me and tells me she wants to break up. She tells me it is for the same reason we argued about before New years and she thought a lot and decided it wasnt going to be ok. For me this was a huge shock. Since then it seemed we were going to work it out and move on and her attitude changed suddenly.

 

Naturally, I didn't understand so I probed her and I asked her what happened. She was crying a lot and said that the guy didnt just kiss her on the cheek but on the lips and tried to sleep with her and was kinda touching her. She said she didn't go any further but she said that she enjoyed it - she says that because she enjoyed it its not right to stay with me. She feels that we argue too much and I'm not always nice enough to her and thats why she liked this guys attention all along and liked his kiss.

 

She also said she doesnt want to stay with someone who doesnt appreciate her to the point where she looks to other guys for attention. Essentially she blames the situation on me. Partially, I can see her point - sometimes on certain things in life I can be an ass. Im far from a romantic and I don't always show her how much I love her. She feels I dont give her enough atttention. BUT at the same time I am completely confused now because I feel hurt by her having kissed someone else like this.

 

This has turned out to be kind of a soap opera I know...in any case we spoke further and after a week we talked. She said she told the guy she cant be friends with him b/c its wrong that he made a move on her and also said she wont hang with him anymore. She says she's sorry for messing with me and wants to be back together but only if I give her more attention.

 

Now we've been taking it slowly the past week and it's going okay - I'm trying to be attentive in the future but i still feel like she doesnt understand how much the kiss thing hurt me. I dont think she knows that if something like this happens again then I cant be with her.

 

Lastly, she keeps apologizing for hurting me (ambiguously she says hurting me but implying for wanting to break up with me but not necessarily for the kiss). She blames the kiss on the guy and alcohol and my lack of giving attention to her. She apologizes constantly though for wanting to break up about this...she apologizes so much it makes suspicious that it was more than a kiss too but I dont know if thats me just being paranoid.

 

YOUR THOUGHTS PLEASE!

Link to post
Share on other sites

it's over. I'm currently on the receiving end of another guy's gf. He would rather play Halo than spend time with her. He frequently threatens to kick her out of the house. The only reason she stays for the time being is because he makes good money, he's "safe" and she is afraid of getting hurt by guys.

 

not much you can do. Sure you might pay more attention for a while, but then you will slip back into your old habits, and she will wander again.

Link to post
Share on other sites
Untouchable_Fire

YOUR THOUGHTS PLEASE!

 

I don't normally say this, but based on her lies, and the instant desire to break up... I'd say they did more than just kiss. Either way she is a cheat and you need to dump her.

 

Had the guy just kissed her and made a move she would have told you the honest truth first, because she would have no shame or fear.

 

However, she lied to you about the kiss on the cheek to test the waters and see how accepting you would be. Had you not objected to it she would probably have not felt very guilty about cheating. To her that would be like you saying you don't care.

 

Once you strongly objected she told you another lie that was closer to the truth, and make the choice to break up. Again... if she was telling you the truth... she would not have tried to break up with you in advance of your reaction. Because by telling you her guilt would be assuaged. However, since she is most likely not telling the truth... she had to break up with you and then if you fight to get her back... that is basically you accepting the lie and thus assuaging her guilt.

Link to post
Share on other sites
I'd say they did more than just kiss. Either way she is a cheat and you need to dump her.

Yes agree 100%.

 

You're getting what's called the trickle truth.

First it was a kiss on the cheek.

Then you find out it was a kiss on the lips.

Then you find out it was "kinda" touching her.

Then you find out she enjoyed it.

Believe me, there is a lot more to this story that she still hasn't told you.

 

She is a cheat and a liar. She is trying to blame you for her infidelity. Do not be convinced by her attempts at manipulation. She is the cheater, there is never any justification for cheating, if you didn't show her enough attention then she should talk to you about it.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites

OK, here's the real translation of what occurred:

 

-GF's kiss was actually something much more. She probably had sex with him. Every time a person tells their SO "it was only a kiss", means there's much more to the story. See how it went from a "kiss on the cheek", to a full kiss. I'd bet the farm she did the nasty with this dude.

-GF's feelings changed and she wanted to break up because the she and the other dude were, or did, hook up again.

GF decides she's no longer confused, sorry for messing with your head, and now doesn't want to be broke up. Equates to the other dude tossed her to the curb, now she wants to come back to her back up plan. How does it feel to be 2nd string?

 

Dude she needs to stay gone. If you get back with her she WILL do this again. I promise you that.

Link to post
Share on other sites

I agree that it was probably more than just a kiss. She is trying to blame you and she will soon try an make everything like it was before. Dump her and be on your way. Let her know that you don't believe her trickle down truth and hopefully you will realize that she will never tell you the entire truth

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
it's over. I'm currently on the receiving end of another guy's gf. He would rather play Halo than spend time with her. He frequently threatens to kick her out of the house. The only reason she stays for the time being is because he makes good money, he's "safe" and she is afraid of getting hurt by guys.

 

not much you can do. Sure you might pay more attention for a while, but then you will slip back into your old habits, and she will wander again.

 

 

 

Dude you really shouldn't be giving advice. You want to believe that your girl is messing around with you because she doesn't want her bf. You also want to believe that she doesn't want him because he plays Halo. The truth is she messing with you because she is selfish and slutty. If she had to pick point blank she would pick her bf. Never believe a cheater who cheats and sticks with their SO

 

 

How do I know this? Your story is no different from thousands of others. Its cute that you think she will eventually leave for you but you are just her selfish pleasure. If her bf broke up with she would be devastated

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites

It is very immature to get drunk and make out with some other guy just because of an argument, even if you are a bit of a jerk sometimes. She should have behaved herself and cooled off and addressed the problem later.

Link to post
Share on other sites
Dude you really shouldn't be giving advice. You want to believe that your girl is messing around with you because she doesn't want her bf. You also want to believe that she doesn't want him because he plays Halo. The truth is she messing with you because she is selfish and slutty. If she had to pick point blank she would pick her bf. Never believe a cheater who cheats and sticks with their SO

 

 

How do I know this? Your story is no different from thousands of others. Its cute that you think she will eventually leave for you but you are just her selfish pleasure. If her bf broke up with she would be devastated

 

 

I have no illusions, and I don't consider her my girl. I'm a distraction for her. If she actually leaves her bf or is kicked out, that may or may not work to my benefit, but trust me I'm not waiting around for that.

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author

thanks for your guys' inputs -

 

Well, in short....this **** ****ing sucks.

 

From what I can deduce - I AM second string at this point.

 

She blames me for this, also denies that its her doing (this is all implied, she wont have a direct conversation thats honest about this).

 

I had to login to her email, without her knowing, to see what she writes to her friend to get honesty out of her. She didnt do more than kiss him first of all. It was just a kiss apparently and she prevented him fom getting into her pants - awesome.....I guess....

 

But she lies in saying that she immediately didnt wanna be friends with him anymore. Far as I can tell she kinda let it sink in over the next few days that she might have rather been with him. I think I am second string, whether its my fault or not. She lied about not being physically attracted to this friend from the beginning as well - directly lied about it as in : "No i dont think he's attractive" to me and "i think he's really cute" to her friend. All her apologies are I think because deep down she honestly feels guilty about getting into this while still supposedly my girlfriend.

 

The tell-tale fact is that the night we argued and this happened -I actually told her i would change things and fix it but hours later SHE still decided to give me the emotional middle finger by drinking with this dude.

 

At this point I duno wtf to do. She wanted to dump ME for ****s sake I feel useless. I know I can get another girlfriend, I've always been more succesful than her at getting sex etc from the opposite sex but I dunno wtf to do, i love her for many reasons other than this obviously.

 

I donno what to do still...

 

- she lied about the kiss thing

- she lied about telling him not to contact her immediately after

- she hung out a lot with a guy she was attracted to and lied about that

- she ditched me and went and got drunk with him after I tried to fix it after our argument

- she takes zero responsiblity and blames my treatment of her

- she threatens to dump me and probably would have if the other dude was willing to dump his gf and commit to her

 

WHAT THE ****

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author

also at this point she basically wants me to be her bitch and treat her awesome without even taking any responsibility for this business with this other dude.

Link to post
Share on other sites
I donno what to do still...

 

- she lied about the kiss thing

- she lied about telling him not to contact her immediately after

- she hung out a lot with a guy she was attracted to and lied about that

- she ditched me and went and got drunk with him after I tried to fix it after our argument

- she takes zero responsiblity and blames my treatment of her

- she threatens to dump me and probably would have if the other dude was willing to dump his gf and commit to her

You don't know what to do after all that? I'll tell you. Man the hell up and ditch the witch. If you don't, it will happen again. Playing second string means that she'll leave you as soon as someone better comes along.

 

Do not believe her sh#t that it's your fault. It's totally her fault. Dump her and move on dude, as everyone in this thread has advised. seriously we know what we're talking about ;)

 

Regarding the emails, she is a serial liar, she can lie to your face so she can also lie to her girlfriends.......

Edited by PegNosePete
  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites

Girls want to dump. Not be the dumpee.

 

Agree with her, tell her that you are not willing to go out with a user! But leave -NC means no contact. Her niceness to you is her currency.

 

Charm is deceptive, find honesty!

Link to post
Share on other sites
reservoirdog1

After finding out all that new shyt, I think the answer is a lot clearer. Dump her.

 

Firstly, despite supposedly "coming clean", you still haven't gotten the whole truth from her. I.e. she's still lying to you.

 

Secondly, the additional stuff you've learned suggests that you're right -- you are "second string" to her right now. She doesn't actively want to be with you; she's just afraid to lose you. Big difference. You're safe to her, a known quantity, good enough for now till she sorts out what she wants. Which means that if you stay with her, you'll continue to be "second string". Which isn't fair to you.

 

She's going to dump you eventually anyway, or cheat on you again. Or both. Be proactive and save both of you a lot of wasted time.

Link to post
Share on other sites

You are in love with a major liar. You either have to live with that reality in relationship with her or look for someone more truthful.

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • 2 weeks later...

Trust yourself. If you feel like she's stringing you along, tell her how you feel. But if this is something more than just teenage drama and you feel like this person is the one you're mean to be with, I think you should take the time and look deeper into why she's doing what she's doing.

Edited by alycia1989
Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author

So its been a few weeks since I started this post...id love for some feed back on how the rest of this has panned out.

 

 

Basically, I tried, obsessively, to fix this **** and stay with her. I kinda did think she was the one and wanted to keep her. First of all, it was just a kiss, nothing more. I know her too well and she can't lie worth crap, especially not for this long and consistently. She's a great girl but she's not the sharpest tool in the shed, trust me. Regardless, I consider it cheating she doesn't, whatever.

 

In any case, we're done on her terms. She went back and forth with me for two weeks about how I don't appreciate her and how she loves me but she doesn't trust me to change the way I treat her etc. Finally a week ago she called it quits for good. She hasn't gone after that guy which is telling and makes me feel better and currently she's not dating or anything.

 

In hindsight, I ****ed up this relationship by ignoring her and being an ass repeatedly over the course of two years. I blew her off, criticized her, judged her and was generally mean for far too long. She got new friends and got more attention and basically worked up the balls to tell me to **** off.

 

At this point she still says "you're my best friend and you mean the world to me" and she texts me every ****ing day but it just hurts. She says she wants to make sure I'm ok. I'm a recovering drug addict who has recently started my PhD in pchem (i credit her for being in my life whilst i figured that **** out too btw). At first I thought she was txting me bc she was still confused but now I realize it was simply to make sure i don't relapse.

 

I want her back so badly because I finally understand her and realize how freaking good she is and how much she mattered to me. When she texts me I compulsively end up calling her and talking about the relationship and sort of telling her how good she is and how much I want her.

 

That obviously hasn't worked so far so I'm going to do what a lot of dating advice sites say - stop chasing her. I'm hoping down the line if i stop she will miss me enough and forget the bad parts enough to want me again. Right now she says she needs to be single and she has implied she wants to go dating...I'm just hoping at this point......

 

Btw : my life has been ****ing hell since this **** began and my focus on studies has weaned. I plan on pulling my **** together now though.

Link to post
Share on other sites

NO CONTACT...

 

delete her from your life. Otherwise you will let her back in...All this blaming you for her cheating and you buying it only proves that she can come back into your life at a moments notice and cheat again when you have an argument...More than likely she started the New Years Eve argument to get a chance to hook up with this guy anyway...

 

Only time, and making her insignificant will heal you. delete her emails address, Facebook account from your friends list, and block her and do not unblock her to stare at her page. I am afraid she will do this again and again and you will accept it and be a doormat unless you just move on...

 

Best of luck.

Link to post
Share on other sites

Please just leave her and don't believe non of her excuses or her trying to blame you. She cheated herself.

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author

wait you guys should understand the whole story. It was new years night and I blew her off for a week she was begging to see me. Finally when I said ok lets hang out for a couple hours she said she made plans with her friend and I never change mine for her so for once she's going to do what she planned.

 

So we went our separate ways that night. She texted me, back and forth for about two hours - before she even going out I know - that she wants to take a break from the relationship and that she's pissed off with the way I ignore her, judge her, and put her down all the time no matter how much she asks me not to. THEN that night she got drunk and this dude made a move on her and succeeded in kissing her.

 

She says she's sorry it happened but she feels she did not cheat on me. I think deep down she feels a bit guilty but in light of the months of her begging me to treat her better I really can't argue with her on this. Gotta look at it from her perspective - she has cried numerous times before telling me she might leave me and it never got through - i never believed her.

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author

****in bump!?

 

feedback really helps with this situation plz. keep in mind i am still extremely in love with her and although I never thought about it before i think she was the ONE. shes freakin hot - so fine - and doesnt act like it, she's really humble.

Link to post
Share on other sites
****in bump!?

 

feedback really helps with this situation plz. keep in mind i am still extremely in love with her and although I never thought about it before i think she was the ONE. shes freakin hot - so fine - and doesnt act like it, she's really humble.

 

She just doesn't act like it around you. People like her are selfish to no end. Let's not forget that she directly said to you she didn't feel she cheated (RED FLAG!!!!!). She knows she's attractive and that's why she cheated. She's letting all of that crap get to her head. That's not to say all attractive women are cheaters but you gotta be careful. You gotta stop with this neediness. She's not what you think she is. Get rid of this trash and move on. Find someone who really loves you and won't do this to you.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites

I frequent another forum as well about infidelity .. I found this one because the person I was posting about also goes to the other site and I didn't want him to read my posts.

 

But I found this from a long time member SJer and I thought it may pertain to your situation. Be sure to read the LAST LINE .... it's VERY VERY VERY important. Also anytime is says "marriage" just substitute "relationship" or whatever phrase works for your situation.

Why Do They Leave?
All too often we hear it. “The marriage was killing me, the love is gone, and we’ve grown apart”. It’s as if the marriage is an animate entity that made the wayward spouses do what they chose to do.

They rationalize with themselves in order to cover up their feelings of guilt. They convince themselves that their marriage was already bad, that their partner really doesn’t love them, and that the affair partner must truly be their “soul-mate” because he/she is the only one that understands them. Next begins the repeated internal dialog of the rationalizations, over and over again in their minds. It is as if they become addicted to the affair, needing the constant high it brings, many times with total disregard for the betrayed. In the affair, the wayward partner falls in love with the illusion of themselves that they have created. Period. Their true selves are warped and then reflected back to them. It is an escape from the everyday realities that must be dealt with and an escape from who they really are.

Over time, they really begin to believe all the lies they’ve told themselves. Their beliefs are reflected in their actions; loving to the affair partner and angry and hostile towards the betrayed. Wash, rinse, and repeat and soon they are deeply entrenched in the fog. If the “marriage” is bad, obviously, they don’t have to blame it on themselves. They can blame “it” on the other. Some of us find it difficult to look at ourselves. Some of us don’t know how to look at ourselves. Some of us never think of looking at ourselves.

It's not that they were necessarily unhappy with the marriage. What happens in many typical cases is that the situation is perfectly good. But then enter the other person. A relationship starts developing with the other person and energy that should have gone into the marriage is redirected. As this relationship deepens, walls are put up to prevent the faithful spouse from connecting emotionally with the wayward spouse. In essence, it's not the marriage that is killing the wayward spouse; it's the wayward spouse that's killing the marriage. The current situation becomes unhappy, because it was made unhappy.

When they leave, they aren't running from the marriage - they're running from themselves. Some people have the narcissistic notion that they are spotless white knights or pure maidens and they can't go back to what they destroyed because they would have to face themselves and put in the effort to make it right.
Romantic relationships are often idealized in that we will get what we want without putting in the effort required. However, the status of a relationship is simply the output of what is invested in it. Couple this with the devaluation of the faithful spouse that the wayward spouse cultivates and it is easy to see why.
Leaving the marriage offers the path of least resistance for them and the easiest way to deal with the mess they have created -by starting fresh and denial of the truth.

If your partner/spouse leaves and blames it on the “marriage,” don’t buy into it. The “marriage” is not the problem. You are not the problem. Your spouse/partner chose the affair and to escape out of ignorance, fear, or inadequacy.

 

 

 

My main goal was to show you that YOU are not to blame for something she did. You may have ignored her or treated her like crap but she should have A. Came to you and talked it over and B. if that had gotten her no where then said sorry I don't feel appreciated in this relationship and left THEN pursued other people. You can not control the actions of others, only yourself. She is responsible for her actions. Kissing IS cheating. Attaching yourself emotionally to another person while you are in a relationship IS cheating. Don't let anyone yell you otherwise and have enough respect for yourself to know that you should be treated better.

Edited by Leviia
  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
×
×
  • Create New...