I cheated months ago, confessed, and we haven't talked about it since

[janinenm]

Long story short, I cheated on my boyfriend about 5mos. into the relationship. Didn't sleep with the other guy, but spent a night kissing and got as far as his bed before it hit me that what I was doing was disgusting and I had the sense to stop.

 

I told my guy the next day and he was obviously hurt, asked me why I did it (a question I couldn't answer at the time but can now), asked me if I still wanted to be with him, to which I replied yes if he'd still have me. I'd known I was in love with him for about a month at that point but felt sure that he thought we were just a casual thing and had been distancing myself a little because of it. The cheating kind of kicked something into gear in me and I realised there was no point trying to deny to myself that I was in love with anymore, that we were both still young and that this was nothing. I had been too scared to tell him I loved him, but somehow after the confession it just...came out. I was crying and shocked with myself and even more shocked to find that he was kissing me and telling me he loved me too and he was willing to forgive.

 

I still feel disgusted with myself just thinking about what I did and have distanced myself from male friends, and hardly even talked to male acquaintances since the incident, because I feel that's the only thing right I can do by my bf. He hasn't asked this of me, and I don't know if he even realises I've done this but it's what I've chosen nonetheless.

 

But we haven't brought the cheating up since. I don't know why, I expected him to make comments about it in passing or maybe during an argument bring it up, or even make demands of me so I could prove I was prepared to get his trust back. But it seems like I never lost his trust? I don't understand. Our relationship has been getting stronger by the day, since it happened, and we've been together just over a year now. Is it necessary to work past cheating, like everyone seems to think, or can it just be brought up once then never discussed again?

[lostsunsets]

Long story short, I cheated on my boyfriend about 5mos. into the relationship. Didn't sleep with the other guy, but spent a night kissing and got as far as his bed before it hit me that what I was doing was disgusting and I had the sense to stop.

 

I told my guy the next day and he was obviously hurt, asked me why I did it (a question I couldn't answer at the time but can now), asked me if I still wanted to be with him, to which I replied yes if he'd still have me. I'd known I was in love with him for about a month at that point but felt sure that he thought we were just a casual thing and had been distancing myself a little because of it. The cheating kind of kicked something into gear in me and I realised there was no point trying to deny to myself that I was in love with anymore, that we were both still young and that this was nothing. I had been too scared to tell him I loved him, but somehow after the confession it just...came out. I was crying and shocked with myself and even more shocked to find that he was kissing me and telling me he loved me too and he was willing to forgive.

 

I still feel disgusted with myself just thinking about what I did and have distanced myself from male friends, and hardly even talked to male acquaintances since the incident, because I feel that's the only thing right I can do by my bf. He hasn't asked this of me, and I don't know if he even realises I've done this but it's what I've chosen nonetheless.

 

But we haven't brought the cheating up since. I don't know why, I expected him to make comments about it in passing or maybe during an argument bring it up, or even make demands of me so I could prove I was prepared to get his trust back. But it seems like I never lost his trust? I don't understand. Our relationship has been getting stronger by the day, since it happened, and we've been together just over a year now. Is it necessary to work past cheating, like everyone seems to think, or can it just be brought up once then never discussed again?

 

You do understand this, don't you? It's called "forsaking all other and cleaving only unto him". My wife and I have been married for 29 years. I have no single female friends. She has no single male friends. It's not that we avoid speaking to the opposite sex or put them off, we just don't hang with them.

 

You may actually have a chance of going the distance.

[sugarmomma]

He seems like a really mature guy. If you blow it again I don't think he will be as forgiving. Please don't take this as some kind of weakness because it really takes a secure person to take a cheater back without making all kinds of demands. He knows that he can't demand your loyalty, he can only desire it, so hopefully you won't blow it again.

 

You better hold onto him before someone else snatches him up. Good Luck!!!

[SoulSearch_CO]

Having come out of a marriage with a chronic cheater, I have a few thoughts to add. I'm seeing a couple things to your story that if I had seen them the first time he cheated, I would have felt more closure. First off - YOU admitted it. He didn't have to find out some other way and he didn't have to guilt a confession out of you. My XH NEVER manned up enough to confess it on his own. Confessing under one's own volition shows that the cheater felt remorse. On top of it, you SHOWED remorse when the cheating was revealed. That's a biggie. My X just had justifications and explanations (and even blamed me sometimes). You showed genuine remorse and you expressed that you were willing to do whatever it took to win back his trust. So you've already covered all the bases. What more could he say? It sounds like he loves you and he sounds like a mature person. I don't see it as weakness at all that he has forgiven you. He sounds like a serious keeper. But I agree - I wouldn't slip again. One of the greatest insults you could pay would be to commit the same transgression that caused you both so much pain the first time around - and that he had the decency to forgive.

[samsungxoxo]

I think it's the fact that you didn't slept with the other man and also the you told your boyfriend out of pure guilty. You actually confessed to it, he didn't have to force you into it nor catch you. Like the other posters stated, don't blow this chance that he has given you because if you end up doing it yet again then he may dump you this time.

[Dexter Morgan]

I was crying and shocked with myself and even more shocked to find that he was kissing me and telling me he loved me too and he was willing to forgive.

 

you are damn lucky for that.

 

 

I still feel disgusted with myself just thinking about what I did and have distanced myself from male friends, and hardly even talked to male acquaintances since the incident, because I feel that's the only thing right I can do by my bf.

 

Good, because if you didn't I wouldn't blame him for not trusting you around them.

 

 

But we haven't brought the cheating up since. I don't know why

 

Because its painful for him. I assure you he thinks about it, but wants to bottle it up.

 

He is a rare guy, most people I know WANT to talk about it because they can't keep it bottled up.

 

 

I expected him to make comments about it in passing or maybe during an argument bring it up, or even make demands of me so I could prove I was prepared to get his trust back.

 

No one would certainly blame him for making demands. I don't know why he hasn't.

 

how was it that you wound up in this position? clubbing? partying?

 

I'm the type of guy that doesn't want to have to make up rules for my SO to follow or make demands. If a SO cheats, they are history. Plain and simple no matter what the circumstance.

 

But if you were out without your bf partying, it wouldn't be unreasonable if he were to ever tell you that if you continued to do so, he'd leave.

 

 

But it seems like I never lost his trust? I don't understand.

 

no, you lost it....he is just hurt and doesn't want to talk about it. He may not want to come off as controlling either to you or any of your friends. Too many times friends that find out that demands were met will say things like, "well no wonder you cheated on him...he is controlling" not realizing that the person doesn't control them whatsoever and that people cheated on have reasonable expectations of proper conduct from that point out since the cheater can't handle the situations they find themselves in.

 

 

Our relationship has been getting stronger by the day, since it happened, and we've been together just over a year now. Is it necessary to work past cheating, like everyone seems to think, or can it just be brought up once then never discussed again?

 

Depends on the individuals. I can assure you he hasn't forgotten about it.

 

And I am usually pretty damn harsh on you cheaters, so I've held back. But here it goes....a wonderful man has given you, for whatever god awful reason, a 2nd chance......so don't freakin' betray him again!!!!!!

[janinenm]

 

 

No one would certainly blame him for making demands. I don't know why he hasn't.

 

how was it that you wound up in this position? clubbing? partying?

 

 

I was in another city at a family friend's wedding, and it was the bride's brother that I cheated on him with. We were all staying at the same hotel fot the weekend and our rooms were a few doors down from each other, alcohol involved obviously but that's no excuse for my actions.

 

There was no way my bf could have found out, other than from my family, that the cheating had happened as there were no mutual friends there etc, but I told him the next day with the full expectation that I had ruined the relationship and we would break up. But this wasn't the case, and I am still wondering why. I'd like to think it's because he loved me enough to stay, because he is quite a proud person and I wouldn't have expected him to. But I think it was more that he was surprised and very happy at me telling him I loved him, and he let that override what he would normally have done in the situation i.e. dump me? My intent was not to manipulate his feelings when I told him I loved him, it just happened, but I'm still scared this is the only reason why we're together and didn't break up that night.

 

As for the partying/clubbing, he still encourages me to go out and party with my girlfriends, as he's never been into partying or clubbing much in the fist place. I've only gone clubbing on a few occasions and have cut back overall, but again, I doubt he even realises this.

 

And he is the type to bottle up his emotions so Dexter's interpretation was probably spot on. Should I bring it up out of the blue to try and figure out how he's coping with it? It has been over half a yr since we last talked about it and i don't want to cause him pain, over something he's maybe come to terms with on his own already? As you can see, it's been on my mind this entire time and i'd like to be able to talk about it, but feel it would be selfish to bring up an issue that caused him so much pain, merely for my benefit. If he wanted to talk about it, I'm sure he would have done so this past half year.

[Enema]

I wonder if a few years from now he'll ask you to sex up a guy while he watches.

[janinenm]

Unless he was gay I can't understand why he'd rather watch another guy doing me instead of doing me himself? There was no sexxing with other guys going on in the first place anyway so that comment was uncalled for.

[Enema]

It doesn't have anything to do with gay. It's a fetish.

 

His oddly calm reaction to you cheating could be a precursor to that or an open relationship. Just throwing it out there!

[Dexter Morgan]

And he is the type to bottle up his emotions so Dexter's interpretation was probably spot on. Should I bring it up out of the blue to try and figure out how he's coping with it?

 

I'm not sure. If I had to sit and think about how I would react if I was bottling things up and my gf tried to get it out of me, I'd probably just tell her everything is fine and if she kept prodding me, it would all explode and I'd let it all out at once.

 

So if you bring it up, be prepared for the cork to pop.

 

And with him bottling it up, you never know, he might decide to feel the need to even things out and might end up cheating himself if he isn't dealing with this with you. Because I don't believe someone just gets over it and drops it like he is doing. Not without alot of heated discussion.

 

 

It has been over half a yr since we last talked about it and i don't want to cause him pain, over something he's maybe come to terms with on his own already?

 

well thats the tricky part...I don't believe he, or anyone, especially a man, can come to terms with it in such a short time period and feel if they talk about it they might fly into a rage. I know everytime I talked about it, I just got worked up and started getting really angry. So I avoided talking to her. Instead, I put myself into working on the house, working out at the gym and bottled it up.

 

But it was in that timeframe when I did alot of thinking and didn't let her in on it. And it was in that timeframe I decided I didn't want her any longer.

 

But we are talking less than 2 months for me to come to that decision. Since it has been over 6 months for him, he may just be trying to bottle it up and not thinking anything in terms of getting rid of you.

 

So do you talk to him? I don't know. how does he act around you? has he changed since he found out?

 

I will have to say, I don't understand him encouraging you to go clubbing with friends....he could simply not forbid you to go, but encouraging you?

I wonder, could it be that he now might be messing around while you are out with friends?

 

And honestly, I'd think if I had cheated and wanted a 2nd chance, even if a gf of mine encouraged me to go out and party, I don't think I could do it. I'd be out thinking, "she is at home right now wondering if I'm cheating".

 

 

As you can see, it's been on my mind this entire time and i'd like to be able to talk about it, but feel it would be selfish to bring up an issue that caused him so much pain, merely for my benefit. If he wanted to talk about it, I'm sure he would have done so this past half year.

 

Again, how does he act now? Is he just as loving as before? Is he quieter?

 

does he seem to encourage you to go out without him alot? If the latter is true, it may be because he enjoys you not being around as much because you cheated.

[Dexter Morgan]

His oddly calm reaction to you cheating could be a precursor to that or an open relationship. Just throwing it out there!

 

I agree that his calm reaction is odd. The only way i can see being as calm as he is even to the point of encouraging her to go out in situations and places that are notorious for being more condusive to cheating(i.e. clubbing) tells me that 1) he either doesn't really care about the relationship any longer and he just wants to be left alone most of the time, 2) that he may be sending her away so he himself can now play, or 3) he is one of those lapdog type of boyfriends/husbands that will let a cheating partner do whatever they want thinking that being the total opposite of controlling will help him keep her.

[janinenm]

So do you talk to him? I don't know. how does he act around you? has he changed since he found out?

 

He has changed, but for the better. Before the cheating I'd see him maybe twice a wk, 3 times max, but now we spend almost every day together and have gotten a lot closer. This could partly be because we decided to take the relationship more seriously from that point onwards, and acknowledged we were in love. Or quite possibly because he wants to keep an eye on me. I hope it's the first but am not naive enough to rule out the latter.

 

 

I will have to say, I don't understand him encouraging you to go clubbing with friends....he could simply not forbid you to go, but encouraging you?

I wonder, could it be that he now might be messing around while you are out with friends?

 

And honestly, I'd think if I had cheated and wanted a 2nd chance, even if a gf of mine encouraged me to go out and party, I don't think I could do it. I'd be out thinking, "she is at home right now wondering if I'm cheating".

 

I think he'd be thinking the exact same thing if i went out clubbing regularly, which i don't. Not that he's ever voiced any concerns about it, but it's just assumed by me. I've drifted apart from my friends because they're mostly single and still spend their weekends in the party scene. When I mentioned to my bf how I missed having fun with them, that's when he started encouraging me to go out again.

 

I'd hate to think that the reason he was encouraging me was because he had something on the side I've always thought he was better than me in that way, above me, and above cheating. I couldn't imagine he would do that, it would be as much a betrayal of his own morals as a betrayal against me.

 

 

Again, how does he act now? Is he just as loving as before? Is he quieter?

 

does he seem to encourage you to go out without him alot? If the latter is true, it may be because he enjoys you not being around as much because you cheated.

 

He does encourage me to go out without him but I just thought it was because we were spending almost all our free time together. If he didn't enjoy our time together, I can't understand why we'd be seeing each other almost double the amount as we did before the cheating. I've gone for a weekend away with him and his family, and we've gone out of town on weekend breaks together a couple of times too, things we never did pre-cheating.

[Dexter Morgan]

He has changed, but for the better. Before the cheating I'd see him maybe twice a wk, 3 times max, but now we spend almost every day together and have gotten a lot closer. This could partly be because we decided to take the relationship more seriously from that point onwards, and acknowledged we were in love. Or quite possibly because he wants to keep an eye on me. I hope it's the first but am not naive enough to rule out the latter.

 

 

The bolded part could very well be, but then I wouldn't understand him encouraging you to club with friends.

 

It would be hard for me to fathom someone all of a sudden taking a relationship more seriously and overcompensating in seeing you more often as a result of cheating. I'd think he might want to be more serious, but with ALOT more caution where you are concerned.

 

Cheating to me wouldn't prompt me to overcompensate and turn me into Mr. Affection. It would prompt me to be Mr. Cautious.

 

 

I think he'd be thinking the exact same thing if i went out clubbing regularly, which i don't. Not that he's ever voiced any concerns about it, but it's just assumed by me. I've drifted apart from my friends because they're mostly single and still spend their weekends in the party scene. When I mentioned to my bf how I missed having fun with them, that's when he started encouraging me to go out again.

 

Be honest, do any of the "girls" egg you on to go for another guy when out partying? That, in my experience, is a big problem with a committed couple and one of them is out partying with bad influences for friends, whether it be all the time, or even just once in a while.

 

 

I'd hate to think that the reason he was encouraging me was because he had something on the side

 

I can only speak hypothetical, since I wouldn't stay with someone that cheated on me. But if I were to, since I'm not the cheating type, the only reason I can think of for encouraging you to go do something that is more likely to help you reoccur a cheating episode is if I were just numb, beat down, and simply wanted more time by myself.

 

 

I've always thought he was better than me in that way, above me, and above cheating. I couldn't imagine he would do that, it would be as much a betrayal of his own morals as a betrayal against me.

 

 

So be honest, what would you do if you found out, he cheated after you did?

[janinenm]

I agree that his calm reaction is odd. The only way i can see being as calm as he is even to the point of encouraging her to go out in situations and places that are notorious for being more condusive to cheating(i.e. clubbing) tells me that 1) he either doesn't really care about the relationship any longer and he just wants to be left alone most of the time, 2) that he may be sending her away so he himself can now play, or 3) he is one of those lapdog type of boyfriends/husbands that will let a cheating partner do whatever they want thinking that being the total opposite of controlling will help him keep her.

 

The thing is I have a feeling that it is number 3, but not because he thinks that being the opposite of controlling will keep me. This is the first time I've ever cheated on anybody, and I know it's the first time my boyfriend has ever been cheated on, and we both have no experience and no idea where to go, how to move forward.

 

He doesn't have it in him to be controlling, he'd rather walk away and keep his pride intact then try to control me and appear insecure or needy. Even if he doesn't trust me, he is putting on a good show of it to get closer to me. My insecurity about his feelings towards me pre-cheating was a big part of why I let myself cheat. If he loved me like he does now (which he didn't before I cheated) , I'd like to think I would never have done what I did.

[janinenm]

It would be hard for me to fathom someone all of a sudden taking a relationship more seriously and overcompensating in seeing you more often as a result of cheating. I'd think he might want to be more serious, but with ALOT more caution where you are concerned.

 

Cheating to me wouldn't prompt me to overcompensate and turn me into Mr. Affection. It would prompt me to be Mr. Cautious.

 

It's hard for me to fathom too but that's just the road the relationship has taken. He is so much more affectionate now than he used to be, and far more open with his feelings EXCEPT when it comes to the one topic of cheating. Maybe if I did bring it up he would be open to talking about it, but it's too big a risk to take.

 

I do get hit on, or used to, when I went out, but I wouldn't say my friends encouraged it. It was more about dancing and having a good time then picking up at clubs.

 

I can only speak hypothetical, since I wouldn't stay with someone that cheated on me. But if I were to, since I'm not the cheating type, the only reason I can think of for encouraging you to go do something that is more likely to help you reoccur a cheating episode is if I were just numb, beat down, and simply wanted more time by myself.

 

So be honest, what would you do if you found out, he cheated after you did?

 

He doesn't seem to want more time to himself, we've both lost touch a little with our individual circles of friends but I miss mine whereas he seems to not be too bothered about his. We do almost everything together - wake up, eat, go to the same uni, then sleep, not all, but most days in a week. I have to specifically think about the cheating to remind myself of it, he acts almost like it never happened by purposefully never discussing it with me.

 

If i found out he cheated...well I was expecting that question. I deserve it. I've thought about it myself, and I feel like he is 'owed one' because of what I did. Even so, I know I'd take it a LOT worse than he would, and probably break up with him. But this isn't hypocritical because we've both agreed to take this relationship seriously, and committ fully, whereas when I cheated it was agreed that we would be exclusive, but we weren't in love like we are now. As arrogant as this may sound, him cheating now, or I cheating now, would be less excusable at this point, than before.

[AAlike]

The only explanation for his behavior that I can see is this - perhaps he did not feel as if you were in a firmly established relationship at the time of your making out with this dude, and hence he does not classify what you did as cheating. Maybe in his mind he thought "ok it's time to lock this one up before she goes all the way with the next guy" or whatever.

 

If he thinks that you cheated on him, it's going to come out one way or another...if not now, then down the road. no doubt about it. There's no way that someone is "just cool with" being cheated on...unless they've somehow rationalized it to not consider it to be cheating, or they're using it is an excuse to cheat themselves! From how you described the situation, perhaps it's the former.

[Dexter Morgan]

The thing is I have a feeling that it is number 3, but not because he thinks that being the opposite of controlling will keep me. This is the first time I've ever cheated on anybody, and I know it's the first time my boyfriend has ever been cheated on, and we both have no experience and no idea where to go, how to move forward.

 

He doesn't have it in him to be controlling, he'd rather walk away and keep his pride intact then try to control me and appear insecure or needy.

 

Thing is, my advice for anyone that has been cheated on IF they, for some awful reason, want to stay in the relationship is to set down some rules and lay down the law. Some see that as controlling. I see it as expecting a committed partner to act accordingly.

 

for instance, I don't have a problem with a SO going out with friends and having a drink. but once they cheat, if I were to stay with them, which I wouldn't, then doing things like that would be over if they want to keep me.

then people will say, "but they can cheat anywhere"...sure, but social settings such as going to a bar, club, are more condusive to such.

 

so its not a "you do as I say", but rather, "there are a few things I'm no longer comfortable with you doing since you have proven that you can't handle particular social interactions and if those things are more important than me, then here is your suitcase"

 

thats what your bf needs to do. Nothing controlling about it. Just expecting you to respect him and help him feel comfortable.

 

And I'm not saying this is you, just a general comment....those cheating partners that take offense to losing a couple of privileges are showing that the relationship isn't that important to them.

 

 

Even if he doesn't trust me, he is putting on a good show of it to get closer to me. My insecurity about his feelings towards me pre-cheating was a big part of why I let myself cheat. If he loved me like he does now (which he didn't before I cheated) , I'd like to think I would never have done what I did.

 

If that is your mindset, what is to stop you from cheating in the future if you two have a problem? I know you'll disagree, but I'd say....nothing.

 

you did it once, you can do it again if you think things aren't going completely your way.

[Dexter Morgan]

If i found out he cheated...well I was expecting that question. I deserve it. I've thought about it myself, and I feel like he is 'owed one' because of what I did.

 

What if you didn't cheat, and he was the first to cheat?

 

Even so, I know I'd take it a LOT worse than he would, and probably break up with him.

 

 

Ok, there is my answer.

 

 

But this isn't hypocritical because we've both agreed to take this relationship seriously, and committ fully, whereas when I cheated it was agreed that we would be exclusive, but we weren't in love like we are now.

 

Sorry, that is hypocritical. You are either committed or you are not. Your perception of the level of "love" doesn't come in to play.

 

 

As arrogant as this may sound, him cheating now, or I cheating now, would be less excusable at this point, than before.

 

Its inexcusable no matter how you slice it. So for you to say it is less excusable now is to say that it WAS excusable when you did it.

[AAlike]

But this isn't hypocritical because we've both agreed to take this relationship seriously, and committ fully, whereas when I cheated it was agreed that we would be exclusive, but we weren't in love like we are now. As arrogant as this may sound, him cheating now, or I cheating now, would be less excusable at this point, than before.

 

If it was agreed that you would be exclusive then I have a hard time believing that this isn't going to come up at some point in the future. Your point about the cheating being "lower impact" or whatever because it was at a different stage of the relationship is some wishful thinking - but I don't think that it'll pan out like that.

 

some kickback is inevitable - and in fact, it might be in your interest to try and draw it out of him. I do see what you're saying, in the spectrum of cheating it's on the lighter side, but regardless, it's still cheating and as such has consequences. you let it fester, it will get worse in my opinion.

[janinenm]

So following your train of thought, cheating after being in a relationship 5 mos. and a cheating after marriage are equally as bad? These are both relationships where both are committed but the severity of the cheating differs because the level of committment differs.

 

I'm not saying cheating is ever ok, but I'm saying that yes, I would have forgiven him if it had happened in the early stages, when we weren't overly serious, weren't in love, and weren't truly committed (even if we were exclusive).

[AAlike]

So following your train of thought, cheating after being in a relationship 5 mos. and a cheating after marriage are equally as bad? These are both relationships where both are committed but the severity of the cheating differs because the level of committment differs.

 

no, I understand your point - but what I'm saying is that regardless of whether its "mild" cheating or severe cheating, if you had agreed to be exclusive, there was a violation of trust....and although I might agree that there is a higher chance of forgiveness than if it happened in a marriage, there still needs to be a part where he confronts you and you two "have it out". If that hasn't happened then he's just repressing it and it is going to eventually.

 

Let's put it this way - let's say a guy stole five bucks from me. Is it as bad as stealing $1,000 from me? No, and I wouldn't deal with the situations the same way, and sure, the $5 would be easier to get over than the $1,000...but regardless, there was a breach of trust, and that guy would always be "the guy that stole $5 from me" until I confronted him about it and aired everything out. see what I'm saying?

 

I'm not saying cheating is ever ok, but I'm saying that yes, I would have forgiven him if it had happened in the early stages, when we weren't overly serious, weren't in love, and weren't truly committed (even if we were exclusive).

 

and see I think that you are making this delineation to justify things.

 

first off, you have no idea if you would have forgiven him until you are in the situation yourself.

 

second, if you were exclusive, you were committed (in fact, aren't they kind of the same thing?). It seems like you are making an arbitrary distinction between two points in your relationship to try and downplay your actions in your own head.

 

Look, I'm not saying that I think your situation is beyond repair, nor do I necessarily disagree that you hadn't gotten to the point of no return when you did what you did. I'm just saying that I think that you're kidding yourself if you think that he's just cool with everything and that you are not "the girl who stole $5" somewhere in the back of his mind. that wrong, although I agree that it might be more rightable than some others, still has to be righted. and I think that the sooner that this happens, the easier that it will be.

[Dexter Morgan]

So following your train of thought, cheating after being in a relationship 5 mos. and a cheating after marriage are equally as bad?

 

No, nowhere did AAlike or I at all mention marriage.

 

I said that you were committed in the early stages and that you are excusing what YOU PERCEIVE as his level of "love" as being more "excusable" for you to cheat.

 

Either you are committed or you are not. In my mind, cheating isn't "excusable" no matter how you slice it.

 

 

These are both relationships where both are committed but the severity of the cheating differs because the level of committment differs.

 

Ya, well ask anyone that has been cheated on if it stings any worse or less. I can tell you whether married or simply dating and committed, it hurts the same. Only difference is the betrayed party tends to feel trapped if they are bound by marriage and its harder to get away from a cheater when married.

 

 

I'm not saying cheating is ever ok, but I'm saying that yes, I would have forgiven him if it had happened in the early stages, when we weren't overly serious, weren't in love, and weren't truly committed (even if we were exclusive).

 

You are saying that because it suits YOUR situation since YOU are the one that cheated in the "early stages". Either way, you said you were both committed to each other.....well, at least he was committed.

[Spectre]

First ask yourself how you could spend the entire night kissing some guy if you were "in love" with this man?

 

Some people when they get cheated on feel that they can't do any better, so they cling to the person who cheated, make excuses for them, make themselves believe it didn't happen, etc.

 

You keep talking about how he is such a great guy and bla bla, if he is that great, then again..why cheat on him? He can't be that great, since you had to cheat on him to realize you "love" him.

 

I mean come on, listen to yourself, you "let yourself cheat" ? You also say if he had acted more in love like he's acting now, you would of never done what you did. Soo..now it's partly his fault? He didn't show you enough love so you thought he would cheat on you, so you went and then cheated on him? Sort of like some pre-emptive cheating. That is really your excuse? That is completely mind-boggling. Tell me all girls don't actually think like that, please. Even worse is you act as if you truly believe in your reasoning, which is equally disturbing.

 

Come on, you needed to cheat on him just to realize you "loved" him..said cheating happened because you thought he would do it to you, so in turn you did it to him. That isn't a great start for a relationship, when you think about it. Hell for all you know, he could be acting the way he is because he thinks if he doesn't act like he loves you, you'll be out spending the night with some dude again.

 

Anyways, I have to say, this guy seems like he deserves someone a lot better. If he is so great stay away from him and introduce him to a girl who deserves him.

[LostLamb]

At the five month stage you should be a smug , loved up couple who can't resist each other but I guess people are complicated/stupid at times and he is an adult.

I think you should stop obsessing about your boyfriend's lack of reaction and realise how lucky you are-You screwed up big time yet still have a partner who cares about you and is willing to love and trust you.

Some people have been dumped for less.

 

I hope it was a one off because you were feeling scared and wanted to test the water , only time will tell though.