ine399 Posted June 28, 2005 Share Posted June 28, 2005 Ok, I hope you guys can help. I'm really not very good with talking to people about my relationships, so you are all I got. I've been dating my girlfriend for 3 and a half years. We're both 25. This summer she is spending two months away on the other side of the country for work -- she's been gone about 3 weeks now. We had been planning for me to go visit her for a weekend in the middle of her trip. I just got an email from her today, to say that she doesn't want me to come. She said she is feeling like she has become more independent not being around me, and thinks that my visit would ruin that. Obviously, I'm pretty hurt by this. I told how hurt I was, and she still says she doesn't want me to come. Is that reasonable? I feel like she wants to break up with me. Do you think that's what is happening? thanks everyone, ine Link to post Share on other sites
Author ine399 Posted June 28, 2005 Author Share Posted June 28, 2005 Also, I suppose I should mention in her defense, that she had become quite dependent on me in the last year. So, I'm happy that she feels self-reliant, but just don't see how that translates into not wanting to see me. Link to post Share on other sites
HatefuL_DruG Posted June 28, 2005 Share Posted June 28, 2005 I'm sorry buddy but, I can interput it as that. It seems as if she doesn't want to break it to you harshly. You should question her actions and think logically. If a thought is not logical, throw it out! I'm very sorry but I'm calling it as I see it. Link to post Share on other sites
Dasani Posted June 28, 2005 Share Posted June 28, 2005 Let her know you are with her and supportive of her new found independence... just set yourself up a hotel reservation at some 4 star place- with strawberries, and bottles of champgne for when she gets back Link to post Share on other sites
HatefuL_DruG Posted June 28, 2005 Share Posted June 28, 2005 Well you didn't mention that Link to post Share on other sites
HatefuL_DruG Posted June 28, 2005 Share Posted June 28, 2005 OK all new interputation. You should tell her you are proud of her. Let her know how happy you are that she has finally become the independent person she's obviously always wanted to be. Back her 100% on this, don't make her feel as if you don't want her to be happy((although I know you do)). You should question why does the fact that she's independent, have anything to do with you guys not being able to see each other. My guess is that she doesn't want to seem clingy and dependent b/c in a nutshell; Guys don't like that type of girl. I hope I am of some help and that I give you some sort of solace. Link to post Share on other sites
mental_traveller Posted June 28, 2005 Share Posted June 28, 2005 I'd say you're right, she wants to break up with you, or at best keep you in the background as a backup while she has fun away. In fact, I'd say it's an odds on bet that she's either seeing some other guy or guys, or seriously contemplating it. Personally I'd finish it off and go find someone who will be more interested in you. Link to post Share on other sites
LucreziaBorgia Posted June 28, 2005 Share Posted June 28, 2005 She said she is feeling like she has become more independent not being around me, and thinks that my visit would ruin that. People who are confident and independent don't cancel visits under those pretenses. People who are hiding things do. Link to post Share on other sites
Cecelius Posted June 28, 2005 Share Posted June 28, 2005 No matter how clingy/not clingy/ reformed clingy a women is, if she WANTS to see you, she will have it happen. Therefore, she does not want to see you. Link to post Share on other sites
ReluctantRomeo Posted June 28, 2005 Share Posted June 28, 2005 I agree with previous posters... it doesn't sound good. My advice is to back off and dial it down a bit. Communicate way less. Don't make a big fuss of her return. Give her more space. Let her miss you. Link to post Share on other sites
gwennebe Posted June 28, 2005 Share Posted June 28, 2005 Doesn't sound good at all. Something is up!! How often do you talk? Everyday? Sounds like she has a whole other relationship going on... Link to post Share on other sites
Author ine399 Posted June 28, 2005 Author Share Posted June 28, 2005 Thanks to everyone who has posted so far, I really appreciate it. I really want to believe her. I mean after 3 years, we've built up a fair bit of trust, but the situation is just so strange. I don't know what she can do to convince me. Link to post Share on other sites
Treasa Posted June 28, 2005 Share Posted June 28, 2005 Stop calling her. I mean it. Don't talk to her unless she calls you. Let her miss you. Even if she has something going on, if she's coming back then it probably won't last. If she asks why you aren't calling, tell her you've been busy and are trying to be more "independent" on your own. Link to post Share on other sites
westernxer Posted June 28, 2005 Share Posted June 28, 2005 Originally posted by ine399 I really want to believe her. I mean after 3 years, we've built up a fair bit of trust, but the situation is just so strange. I don't know what she can do to convince me. Well, other than inviting you to visit, she's powerless (and pantyless with another guy?). You should surprise her... Link to post Share on other sites
tanbark813 Posted June 28, 2005 Share Posted June 28, 2005 Originally posted by LucreziaBorgia People who are confident and independent don't cancel visits under those pretenses. People who are hiding things do. Once again LB nails it. Link to post Share on other sites
Author ine399 Posted June 29, 2005 Author Share Posted June 29, 2005 Should I give her an ultimatum? As in, I visit or we're through. Link to post Share on other sites
ConfusedInOC Posted June 29, 2005 Share Posted June 29, 2005 Originally posted by ReluctantRomeo I agree with previous posters... it doesn't sound good. My advice is to back off and dial it down a bit. Communicate way less. Don't make a big fuss of her return. Give her more space. Let her miss you. I agree immensely. Link to post Share on other sites
ConfusedInOC Posted June 29, 2005 Share Posted June 29, 2005 Originally posted by ine399 Should I give her an ultimatum? As in, I visit or we're through. Sure, if you want to kiss her goodbye. The more you show her your true feelings, the more pressure you put on her. The more demands you make on her to feel the way you do, the more pressure she feels. Women don't want pressure and you're pressuring her. The best thing to do when someone wants their space is to GIVE IT TO THEM. Show her you TOO are independent and don't need her. Sure, you want her in your life but if you act like you NEED or HAVE to have her in your life, you will most assuredly push her away. Read my thread on LOVE MUST BE TOUGH. That book was written for people who are in a relationship where someone wants to pull away from you. Link to post Share on other sites
Cwazydude Posted June 29, 2005 Share Posted June 29, 2005 Sending her a small teddy bear with a camera hidden inside it would let you know what she's up to. Other then that it sounds like she used you, got a stable foundation and hit it off with Sirgeo, the pool boy. And the milk man, and perhaps the bellhop. I agree with westernxer though, a surprise visit would be your best option. Link to post Share on other sites
ConfusedInOC Posted June 29, 2005 Share Posted June 29, 2005 Originally posted by Cwazydude I agree with westernxer though, a surprise visit would be your best option. And relationship suicide.... Link to post Share on other sites
Cwazydude Posted June 29, 2005 Share Posted June 29, 2005 Well, Look at the pro's and the con's of these options Surprise Visit: Pro: He gets to know what's going on Con: It costs money Pro: He can burst through the door and smack the pool boy up. Con: The pool boy might be 6'10 Relationship Suicide: Pro: None that i can see Con: Umm, lots? Link to post Share on other sites
ReluctantRomeo Posted June 29, 2005 Share Posted June 29, 2005 Originally posted by Cwazydude Relationship Suicide: Pro: None that i can see Con: Umm, lots? I think Confused means that the surprise visit would be more or less equivalent to relationship suicide. I agree. For the record, Confused and I have both navigated similar situations ourselves in the past 6 months. This is why we're into the low pressure, low drama solutions. We know whereof we speak Link to post Share on other sites
westernxer Posted June 29, 2005 Share Posted June 29, 2005 Originally posted by ine399 Should I give her an ultimatum? As in, I visit or we're through. No ultimatums. Start dating other chicks if she's gonna give you an attitude. Link to post Share on other sites
ReluctantRomeo Posted June 29, 2005 Share Posted June 29, 2005 Originally posted by westernxer No ultimatums. Start dating other chicks if she's gonna give you an attitude. I'd refine this advice. You don't actually have to start dating other chicks, and you may not be ready for this. Simply distancing yourself and loosening the commitment will work. Juliet went crazy knowing that I could be seeing other chicks and not having enough info to know if this was actually the case. Link to post Share on other sites
westernxer Posted June 29, 2005 Share Posted June 29, 2005 Originally posted by ReluctantRomeo I'd refine this advice. You don't actually have to start dating other chicks, and you may not be ready for this. Simply distancing yourself and loosening the commitment will work. Juliet went crazy knowing that I could be seeing other chicks and not having enough info to know if this was actually the case. I was about to say this, too. Link to post Share on other sites
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