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She wants to be ‘intimately exclusive’, but still see other people


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Old 1st January 2018, 6:04 PM   #16
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Originally Posted by Sm12345 View Post
I emailed her this:
“X,

I had hoped that in writing this out, I'm able to pin point my feelings of unease that I've felt since we last saw eachother.

I feel very comfortable with you and have enjoyed spending time together this past weekend. I know you're still finding yourself and I'm hesitant to rush things. That being said, I have a difficult time with how we left things and think that it would affect my feelings for the person I've already established a connection with. I feel that it would cloud my feelings for you to do so.

I’m also not sure an intimately exclusive or friends with benefits type dating scenario is right for me. I'd love to heard your thoughts and to understand your perspective on this.

My name”
This is well written - however, YOU need to decide (as in, make a decision for YOURSELF) based on what info she already gave you!

She stated clearly her intention and now you seem to be saying "are you sure this is what you meant"?

She said what she does and doesn't want! Now YOU need to take a stand and either say simply yes or no!

You either want to be her backup plan or you don't.

Pick one and stand by that answer knowing she's not offering anything more.
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Old 1st January 2018, 6:15 PM   #17
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I completely understand where she’s coming from. We have really good chemistry and things are comfortable. She doesn’t want a one night stand, and she’s busy with home renovations, her son and other career opportunities.

But I also understand that I wouldn’t want someone I’m trying to get to know, making out with someone else. I’m not sure if coffee is that big of a deal, but that’s where we started. It only took three dates, before I had an invite over to spend the weekend..
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Old 1st January 2018, 6:20 PM   #18
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I completely understand where she’s coming from. We have really good chemistry and things are comfortable. She doesn’t want a one night stand, and she’s busy with home renovations, her son and other career opportunities.

But I also understand that I wouldn’t want someone I’m trying to get to know, making out with someone else. I’m not sure if coffee is that big of a deal, but that’s where we started. It only took three dates, before I had an invite over to spend the weekend..
Well if I am to understand 'intimately' part of 'intimately exclusive', she wouldn't be making out with anyone else. She would just be talking/dating other guys. But as soon as she finds a guy who she wants to actually date, I am pretty sure she will kiss him and you will be immediately sacked (or she'll keep you where you're at on the backburner, depending on her character).I assume you can have some ground rules for your arrangement. She doesn't want a one night stand. She wants a FB at her beck and call it sounds like, and she wants him to only want to be doing it with her. Again, that's just what I gather from 'intimately exclusive'...
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Old 1st January 2018, 6:24 PM   #19
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It seems like she wants to have her cake and eat it too. Thoughts?
I think you need to dump this broad
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Old 1st January 2018, 6:53 PM   #20
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I don't know why you even still talk to her if this is something you don't feel comfortable with....ditch her, and find someone who is more on the same page.
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Old 1st January 2018, 9:06 PM   #21
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She replied, and it was a bit more positive than I anticipated.

"My name: So, I think we left it with 'we are dating'. Which means (to me anyway) that we would spend some time together and get to know each other. If there was an event or something interesting we wanted to share with the other, we'd invite the other along... essentially, date.

I am also in agreement that intimately exclusive is not right for me and as far as friends with benefits, that can be tricky and only works if both on are the same page.

I'm having a little trouble understanding your statement: '...that it would affect my feelings for the person I've already established a connection with. I feel that it would cloud my feelings for you to do so. Can you elaborate more?

X"
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Old 1st January 2018, 9:12 PM   #22
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This was my reply:
"Ok, good. This does sound more like what I’m looking for.

My feeling is, if we’re going to continue travelling to see each other, I’d like to work towards dating with the the intent of being exclusive (I think we both agree, we’re not there yet, but I think this weekend was a good indication of how we interact and get along..) It’s something I’d eventually like with you if things between us continue to unfold.

When I'm dating someone I'm very loyal. If I’m interested in someone (as I am, with you) I don’t feel the need to see other people. In my experience, it clouds my judgement and makes it’s more difficult to get to know someone. I also only have weekends open at this point, so seeing one person at a time makes things easier to cope with my busier schedule. It’s absolutely not my intention to rush this, as I said earlier I realize you’re probably still trying to rediscover yourself. But I think, for me personally, this is what I'm most comfortable with. We can definitely go at a slower pace, but I’d prefer to feel like our mutual time and energies was going towards something more in line with a real adult relationship and less casual. S"

Last edited by Sm12345; 1st January 2018 at 9:19 PM..
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Old 1st January 2018, 9:33 PM   #23
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It's honest and well-intentioned, which means it will be crushed by this world

I'm kidding (kind of).

I think this reply will not benefit you, but it's not a complete loss. Let me explain. This woman has none of her chips in and you have all of yours in, and you are also showing your entire hand

First of all, it doesn't make sense. Contradictory. Don't insinuate exclusivity until you intend to be and expect the other person to be as well. You guys aren't there. She either needs more time to decide, or sadly (most likely), she will never get to the point she wants to be exclusive!!! Either way, just wait, date her, get to know her and let her get to know you more. You need to be the prize too!

In this missive, you are basically pledging your loyalty to her when she's already said she's unsure about you. With that, she will know you are there to stay. There is nothing really to gain here, let alone any urgency to gain it.This response just does nothing to benefit you in my opinion. I don't know if it will hurt you, but I don't think it will help you towards your goal at all.

It's sent now. I think you would do best by making your self less available starting immediately. I really don't understand why you want to keep dating this one, but I guess these things are hard to reason
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Old 1st January 2018, 9:37 PM   #24
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I’ve missed out on great things, not being completely transparent in the past.

This was her reply:
“Alright.

So we are dating, but not exclusive. ... I think this is where we left it last night.


She sounds a little annoyed to me, personally..
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Old 1st January 2018, 9:41 PM   #25
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I’ve missed out on great things, not being completely transparent in the past.

This was her reply:
“Alright.

So we are dating, but not exclusive. ... I think this is where we left it last night.


She sounds a little annoyed to me, personally..
It seems a little curt, doesn’t it?

My guess is she’s annoyed because she wants to keep it light but it’s already becoming a little heavy with all the serious talk.

If you really insist on dating her, and I still say it’s way too early for her coming out of a 12 year long marriage just a few months ago, then back it off, keep it light and positive, have fun dates, etc.

Think before proceeding.
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Old 1st January 2018, 9:47 PM   #26
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You said it's not exclusive yet in your message... So now she is back on that... To her that means she can date other people while she dates you. Back to square one.

What you really mean is you want to be exclusive now, not later, because you don't desire to date more than one person at a time. But I don't think she'll agree to that so basically you either have to accommodate what she's saying, or just end it all together.
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Old 1st January 2018, 9:52 PM   #27
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I know. She basically double down, and is probably annoyed that I’m pestering her. :/

Emailing solved nothing.
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Old 1st January 2018, 9:59 PM   #28
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I know. She basically double down, and is probably annoyed that I’m pestering her. :/

Emailing solved nothing.
What are you going to do OP?

You are a “date one woman at a time” kind of guy, and she is a “date as many guys at a time as she wants” kind of woman.

Can you live with it?

Basically you have a woman that just got divorced and likely will be slow to commit and will probably be seeing other guys while she is seeing you.
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Old 1st January 2018, 9:59 PM   #29
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I've always interpreted labels like "intimately exclusive" to mean, "I don't want you to sleep with anyone else, but I'll do whoever I want when you aren't around".

It makes sense, I mean why else would she want to date other men? To hang out as platonic friends? Please!

I would find it difficult to trust someone who asked for this sort of arrangement. There is no need to have silly labels like this.

I would advise you to wish her the best and lose her number.

It's your call.
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Old 1st January 2018, 10:07 PM   #30
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If I’m being honest, it only took one date for her to try to invite herself over. I think it’s only a matter of time before she tries this with someone else.
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