Should I stop seeing this woman or in this case?

[ironpony]

Basically me and this woman went on a few dates and then on the last date, we decided to have sex but I had trouble getting aroused. I was only able to have intercourse for literally 20 seconds, and then shrunk back down.

 

I think the problem was is just I probably wasn't sexually attracted to her enough, but didn't know until finding out the hard way.

 

But now I feel maybe we are not meant to be if the sexual attraction isn't there, or isn't high enough. What do you think? I could keep seeing her, but maybe hold off on anymore sex and take it slower, or I could just explain that maybe there is not enough sexual attraction on my part, and perhaps end it right now, if that's best?

 

What do you think?

[elaine567]

I could just explain that maybe there is not enough sexual attraction on my part, and perhaps end it right now, if that's best?

 

What do you think?

 

Do NOT tell her that. How to ruin her self esteem in a instant.

Noone wants to be told "OMG you are so ugly, I couldn't get an erection..."

End it yes but be nice about it.

 

As for your lack of arousal.

Have you managed to perform since that girl accused you of raping her?

If not you may need to go talk to someone ie a therapist about it and get it out of your system.

[ironpony]

I managed to perform with one girl since then. Hmm I wonder if the accusal. before had anything to do with it, with the new girl. I don't think it did but maybe.

[bpb2017]

I was only able to have intercourse for literally 20 seconds, and then shrunk back down.

 

It's over, no chance. You're not even into her enough to maintain a boner? If you see her again then you'll have to imagine it's someone else during sex.

 

 

Do NOT tell her that. How to ruin her self esteem in a instant.

 

I once did something similar. She ran to the main bathroom and locked herself in for an hour while crying. Great times

[ironpony]

One time I didn't even say anything to the woman and she cried at the fact that I couldn't get aroused by her. So yeah, I guess it's a bad idea to say anything.

[salparadise]

My experience is that a wet vagina will inherently induce erections, pretty much independently of general attraction. The only time that has not held true for me has been due to some anxiety the first time with a new partner. After that, the mere thought of it gets the reaction. I'm betting it's anxiety, not lack of attraction.

 

You would know if you don't find her attractive, wouldn't you? This sounds like the female assumption that a failure on the man's part is about her... which I've always said is completely wrong. But everyone's different I guess.

 

If someone accused you of rape or assault, that could certainly cause anxiety when the next opportunity arises (no pun intended).

[Highndry]

If you don't know if you're attracted to her, why are you having sex with her?

[ironpony]

Well I was sexually attracted to her before having sex. But then when I got into it, she just wasn't doing it for me. Perhaps I felt that it was going to be different with her in bed, or I thought I was going to be but wasn't.

[RecentChange]

Cut her lose.

 

Women want to be DESIRED. They want to know you have an unbridled Iust for them. They want passion, and passionate sex.

 

You won't ever feel these things for her. It's there or it's not.

 

Don't waste her time and damage her self esteem with your lack of attraction.

[act00]

Being accused of rape is going to put a damper on your psyche, even if you don't really think it's causing an issue. This gets in your subconscious. I would definitely consider some counseling and self-reflection on that and work on this barrier.

 

What confuses me is this question on whether there is sexual attraction or not. Either there is or there isn't. Later you say that before sex, you were very sexually attracted, but during, it kind of got lost...she didn't do it for you. My only thought here is that first time can be awkward while you get to know the do's and don't's, likes, dislikes, know each other's bodies, etc., and maybe she wasn't the wild woman you built up in your head, but that can certainly change. Remember, she's every bit as nervous as you. If you enjoy her and find her arousing otherwise, and you'd like to see this play out, I think it's worth some more "experimenting."

 

Do not, ever, say out loud she didn't do it for you or you were not attracted to her. Please don't chew away at her self-esteem.

 

When a guy can't perform, we can take it personally. We know, particularly in the later years, that it isn't necessarily personal, and sometimes the pecker doesn't cooperate, but our minds and feelings don't always mesh, and yes, it feels personal when things deflate. BUT, our minds know that as a first time, the anxiety could be an issue. Our minds know that other life stresses can cause issues. Certainly there's lots of other things to do to get to know each other, and hopefully next time it will be better.

 

It seems very short-sighted to dump someone at this point if you are otherwise very interested in her and this is just a bump in the road. It seems like your bruised ego is being allowed to take control rather than putting more time into this woman you seem to genuinely like. If you're on the fence with her as a person and potential partner, then yeah, make the split. Sex won't change anything.

[ironpony]

Well the thing is, is that after the woman's shirt came off, she was more hairy than I expected. Like a hairy chest, more than usual on a woman. She also made these voice noises during foreplay that I didn't find attractive. Like a high pitch squealing sound that kept going and threw me off, or it was hard to concentrate with her making that noise.

 

So I think these two things might have caused distraction for my arousal, but I don't want to be shallow and make my attraction for her, too much about looks, or her voice.

 

As for not being able to get aroused cause i was accused of rape, the last woman before her I got aroused by no problem though.

[Cookiesandough]

Well the thing is, is that after the woman's shirt came off, she was more hairy than I expected. Like a hairy chest, more than usual on a woman. She also made these voice noises during foreplay that I didn't find attractive. Like a high pitch squealing sound that kept going and threw me off, or it was hard to concentrate with her making that noise.

 

So I think these two things might have caused distraction for my arousal, but I don't want to be shallow and make my attraction for her, too much about looks, or her voice.

 

As for not being able to get aroused cause i was accused of rape, the last woman before her I got aroused by no problem though.

 

 

I don't get why people considering dating someone they aren't really attracted to. I say don't waste their time or your time. Don't tell her she's not sexy. Say you aren't a match.

Edited October 18, 2017 by Cookiesandough

[act00]

Goodness gracious, did you go from A straight to Z with nothing in between? One would think with some good, serious makeout sessions and groping and touching, you would have been alerted to odd noises and a hairy chest long before the full mattress dancing had a chance to occur. Maybe you need to cover the bases before hitting home plate in the future. Isn't 2nd base, boobs? If you found her body and vocalizations not quite to your liking, you would have figured this out long before your penis took a dump on you, and if you had some good makeout sessions beforehand.

[ironpony]

Yeah I thought about it before putting the condom on but I felt maybe I was just being shallow and really like her personality and thought we were still a good match. But then couldn't get aroused below the belt, and had second thoughts. I guess I had two high of hopes maybe or something.

[coolheadal]

Yeah I thought about it before putting the condom on but I felt maybe I was just being shallow and really like her personality and thought we were still a good match. But then couldn't get aroused below the belt, and had second thoughts. I guess I had two high of hopes maybe or something.

 

My you tell us all about what your doing.. Sounds alike casual dates or just sex quickies with you only.. For me it's the smell that turns me on if they smell bad forget.. If they eat bad forget, if they smoke anything you can forget. I like the sounds they make, I don't want silence.. Your different than me you want some odd sex fantasies. Never hear of such a way you say it all to us. We all here comment so differently on this subject.

[Cookiesandough]

My you tell us all about what your doing.. Sounds alike casual dates or just sex quickies with you only.. For me it's the smell that turns me on if they smell bad forget.. If they eat bad forget, if they smoke anything you can forget. I like the sounds they make, I don't want silence.. Your different than me you want some odd sex fantasies. Never hear of such a way you say it all to us. We all here comment so differently on this subject.

 

would you date a girl with a hairy chest though? It doesn't seem that odd to me to not like it. I think I would at least wax if I had one and was going on a date

[coolheadal]

would you date a girl with a hairy chest though? It doesn't seem that odd to me to not like it. I think I would at least wax if I had one and was going on a date

 

How are you by the way? A question for me? Nice I like the forest full. I am not into the wax look no hair look or the forest is cut down I say. I don't say it the other way. Some women tell me they don't like it hairy. We all have our ways. I don't know never met a woman that had hairy chest! I had date a blonde with extra hair on her fore arms. I felt it was like petting cat. It was so soft. Listen I am open-minded. Your question got me? You were just trying to see what I would say right?

[ironpony]

Okay thanks. Sometimes I have casual sex, sometimes I date, it depends. This woman I went on three dates with before, so I thought maybe it wasn't too soon to have sex, since things were going well.

 

How is a guy suppose to know if there is sexual attraction or not though? For example, a while ago I met a woman who was really goodlooking, with a solid hot body. But then when we hooked up and got into her bed later, she didn't do anything and just laid there, and I couldn't get aroused cause she wanted me to do everything. This is just an example, but you think that a woman is attractive until after you hit the bedroom, and it doesn't work. So not sure how else to tell beforehand in some cases.

[Cookiesandough]

How are you by the way? A question for me? Nice I like the forest full. I am not into the wax look no hair look or the forest is cut down I say. I don't say it the other way. Some women tell me they don't like it hairy. We all have our ways. I don't know never met a woman that had hairy chest! I had date a blonde with extra hair on her fore arms. I felt it was like petting cat. It was so soft. Listen I am open-minded. Your question got me? You were just trying to see what I would say right?

 

That actually sounds quite pleasant. Thank you! I was curious about what you thought!

 

Ironpony, you can't know a lot about sexual compatibility until you have sex, but this wasn't really sexual compatibility, it was sexual attraction. As act00 said, this problem could probably have been alleviated if you didn't jump right into sex and covered some bases first. Then did not try to rationalize your way into sexual attraction by saying "oh but we are such a match in other ways". I think you call it off now, as sad as that will be. No use dragging it out. Just my opinion.

[ironpony]

Yeah okay thanks. Maybe it was sexual compatibility though, and I used the mis-used word 'attraction' Or maybe it was sexual attraction.

[coolheadal]

That actually sounds quite pleasant. Thank you! I was curious about what you thought!

 

Ironpony, you can't know a lot about sexual compatibility until you have sex, but this wasn't really sexual compatibility, it was sexual attraction. As act00 said, this problem could probably have been alleviated if you didn't jump right into sex and covered some bases first. Then did not try to rationalize your way into sexual attraction by saying "oh but we are such a match in other ways". I think you call it off now, as sad as that will be. No use dragging it out. Just my opinion.

 

It's was nice of you to ask me a question and your welcome my dear!

[coolheadal]

Yeah okay thanks. Maybe it was sexual compatibility though, and I used the mis-used word 'attraction' Or maybe it was sexual attraction.

 

My friend you need to figure out what you want out of dating or you seem to be jumping into the bed so fast. You don't even know these women. Don't you want to experience the love, the hold, the touch, the feel, the want, the desire of love making, when you have all these, then you can, enjoy the dim lights, the quiet music in the background, roses scent (or freshly cut roses) Make it romance you make it sound awful. These poor women you been with. Did you ever kiss them on the lips. No romance from you. How sad...

[ironpony]

Of course I kissed them on the lips, why wouldn't I? And perhaps I move into sex too fast, yes.

Edited October 18, 2017 by ironpony

[coolheadal]

Of course I kissed them on the lips, why wouldn't I? And perhaps I move into sex too fast, yes.

 

See your fast bandit type.. Slow down and get to know them. That's the only way your going to know if you both click or not. Sex let it be to the point where you feel you want to have it with them. But they would have want to have it with you too. Joint feeling. You dive in with your eyes closed and look what happens. What a mess!!!!!

[elaine567]

Sex doesn't need to happen by date three.

There is no formula that you need to follow.

YOU are getting into bed with these women and then finding you are not attracted to them.

Better to take things slower and build up the attraction, so by the time you end up in bed you are both passionately aroused and absolutely desperate for it.

That takes the pressure off you too as it becomes natural sex motivated by passion, and not sex you need to have as it is date three and you need to perform on cue.