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Great 1 yr relationship...BUT


Dating Dating, courting, or going steady? Things not working out the way you had hoped? Stand up on your soap box and let us know what's going on!

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Old 5th October 2017, 8:56 PM   #16
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Lol. Of course you're in love and planning a future together with Satan in heels. Treat 'em mean, keep 'em keen. She knows what's up!!!
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Old 5th October 2017, 9:06 PM   #17
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Originally Posted by Gaeta View Post
How old are you 2? Young people have a hard time projecting themselves in the future. Her nagging, complaining, demeaning, will get worse and old as the years go by. Right now she's hot but eventually her good looks won't be enough anymore to ignore her cutting tongue.

No amount of hot sex would be enough for me to live with a complainer that's never satisfied with me.
It's not "biting" she does this with a laugh and light-hearted tone.
And she is 46, I'm 51...so hardly spring chickens
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Old 5th October 2017, 9:23 PM   #18
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It's not "biting" she does this with a laugh and light-hearted tone.
And she is 46, I'm 51...so hardly spring chickens
Well, that's shocking.

So she came over here form China to marry someone. Did she know him? Was he chinese? Are you familiar with her culture?
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Old 5th October 2017, 9:28 PM   #19
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After posting all that, you have a question about whether to stay in that kind of relationship or not? I think your girlfriend has you figured out.
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Old 5th October 2017, 9:32 PM   #20
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Originally Posted by Smoothman View Post
Well of course there are many things about here that are great, I would hardly have entitled this post "Great relationship" if I didn't think that!

*Sigh, I guess coming here and posting only the negative will give everyone the impressions, well, that are being expressed here.

She is kind and funny, warm hearted and caring, affectionate and loving.
We share love of cats, and have as blended family, who are trying to learn to get along...at least they have stopped hissing at each other now!

As is stated, we get along most of the time like no other person I've had a relationship with, and I've had enough to know, and be comparative about.

I started out the topic saying that these things weren't break-up worthy but you are all jumping onto that band wagon right away.

I didn't want to write a treatise on the entirety of our relationship, I had hoped that my initial comments would be taken in consideration when you formed your responses...but I do understand why that didn't seem to happen.

No I am not gonna give up and just dump her, we are in love, and planning a future together...sorry I didn't make that clearer.

I was asking for advice on how to approach these few concerns I had about her behaviour.

Thanks
This is exactly my point. You want very object input on your relationship yet when you post, it is an unfair description of your significant other. It is unfair because you mostly list the negative things about her and you mention almost no negative things that you may be doing to contribute to the situation. Then you ask for input on the situation.

How will you think everyone will respond?

We will all say get rid of her or that we don't like her. I specifically said I don't like her just to point out the fact that your description of her is not flattering at all in your original post. You made me want to say I don't like her by listing all of these negative things about her. Each of them helps to provide insight into your relationship but is seems sort of lop-sided. Even when I asked you about her redeeming qualities, you still could only briefly state some things that really don't move the needle as far as the like-meter goes. You listed generic responses such as funny, caring, warm etc,. It reads like a dating profile on Bumble.

Hey, man, I am just saying that if you are going to list all of these negative things about your woman in such great detail, at least provide some great detail of her redeeming qualities. You may then get more reliable and appropriate input for your situation. Otherwise, you are just setting your woman up for not looking favorable at all here and now you are sort of jumping to her defense because she looks unlikeable in everyone's eyes.

I am assuming you both are not bad people but what I do see through the obscuration here is someone who jumped into a relationship with a S on his chest and maybe allowing himself to be a doormat. I would work on the doormat thing.
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Old 5th October 2017, 9:37 PM   #21
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Originally Posted by Smoothman View Post
Well of course there are many things about here that are great, I would hardly have entitled this post "Great relationship" if I didn't think that!

*Sigh, I guess coming here and posting only the negative will give everyone the impressions, well, that are being expressed here.

She is kind and funny, warm hearted and caring, affectionate and loving.
We share love of cats, and have as blended family, who are trying to learn to get along...at least they have stopped hissing at each other now!

As is stated, we get along most of the time like no other person I've had a relationship with, and I've had enough to know, and be comparative about.

I started out the topic saying that these things weren't break-up worthy but you are all jumping onto that band wagon right away.

I didn't want to write a treatise on the entirety of our relationship, I had hoped that my initial comments would be taken in consideration when you formed your responses...but I do understand why that didn't seem to happen.

No I am not gonna give up and just dump her, we are in love, and planning a future together...sorry I didn't make that clearer.

I was asking for advice on how to approach these few concerns I had about her behaviour.

Thanks

You'll find a lot of negativity on this board, and it unfortunately comes from experience.

I get that you are in love and I don't mean to tarnish that. What I'm trying to do (as others are doing) is giving you the benefit of our experience.

Because you love her you're not seeing clearly. Though something isn't right which is what bought you here.

I've seen (dated) girls like this and it never ends well. I'm trying to save you from pain and suffering. I get that you won't listen (no one does) but hopefully it will open your eyes to be more objective.

If you are looking for advice, and breaking up is not an option, do this:

1) Calmly explain how what she does makes you feel. Don't throw it on her as she will get defensive. Instead, discuss the impact to you.

2) Be true to yourself. If I say FU with a smile on my face, I'm still saying FU. You have every right to be upset and confront me (her) as you have limits and they were crossed.

3) Learn to live with it. This is a last resort if the above doesn't work and I don't think it will. She is who she is and is not going to change for you or anyone. Change only happens when someone wants to change. She sees nothing wrong.

4) Slow down - people can generally keep up a facade for 3 months - 6 if you're good. A year will start to bring out who someone is and if it's bad it usually gets worse. This is how she is before you are married and have a house. Once you are in it will cost you a lot more to leave. Do you think she'll get better?
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Old 5th October 2017, 9:55 PM   #22
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Originally Posted by Smoothman View Post
It's not "biting" she does this with a laugh and light-hearted tone.
What she is doing is use humour as a vehicle for her verbal abuse.

Verbal abuse disguised as jokes is common. My ex-husband was a pro at it.

Abuse Disguised as a Joke - Types of Verbal Abuse

Last edited by Gaeta; 5th October 2017 at 10:01 PM..
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Old 5th October 2017, 11:28 PM   #23
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Well what you have experience isn't good but you seem to want to keep what you have with her still. You invested a lot of your time and effort and don't want to loose her. Age doesn't matter here what matter here how to deal with her. You doing whatever you have to. When she puts you down you need to walk away and get out the room. Those tickets or whatever happen she was annoyed at you. More as passive aggression type of woman. Just to let you know she will never change so just deal with it. She's going to be rude, she going to put you down and that's her she's that type she'll be blunt at times. You have to accept her behavior. I dealt with a woman like that my ex wife was like your gf. She would come home and complain about me not doing what she wanted me to do. I will do what I like to do and make things work. You see that's what your doing making it work around the comments put down. Enjoy the moments of peace and deal with her outburst behavior. Your doing it now so you know how to deal with it. Even if you seek third party help not going to change her she'll get really upset with you no matter what you try to say to her. She just doesn't under stand what to do or make it right. You already seen the lack of respect an appreciation for you. Thoughtful things you do doesn't cut it with her. You love her and she loves you love can be tough and she's not an easy woman she's damaged but you love so deal with her the only way you know how.

Oh she wants her own place because she wants to be in control, she requires her own space without you always around her. Your going to see that more you told her know already but that's what she wants. I had a few women that ask for heir own apartment. They want their independence as well. Sure you want to be with her too. You can try to cop or give in a bit.

Everything else you have described I've seen it before, I will allow a lot but tolerate so much until I have to let go. Today I don't have that issue like you have with the new gf sure she an't perfect so woman is today..
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Old 5th October 2017, 11:32 PM   #24
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Originally Posted by Gaeta View Post
What she is doing is use humour as a vehicle for her verbal abuse.

Verbal abuse disguised as jokes is common. My ex-husband was a pro at it.

Abuse Disguised as a Joke - Types of Verbal Abuse
He's not going to listen to us he's going to say we are not helping him. Sure she joking with verbal abuse, my ex did that to me. Not good and not healthy he's in denial and just have to deal with the comments they can be so harsh he might not like. Love can't cover-up abuse what love she has isn't the same she has been abused by the prior husband who knows how bad it was with him. She only knows how to insult, and call this guy names. Brush it off as a abusive joke. Maybe he should give her some crap she deals out to him. But that wouldn't be him.
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Old 6th October 2017, 10:44 AM   #25
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I have a friend who is an absolutely nagger (just like your GF). She's Asian too.

Me, her and one more friend went on a 2 week holiday together and it was an absolute disaster to be around her. We're JUST FRIENDS!! But whatever we do, say, or plan to, she will always try to put her unsolicited comment on everything very negatively.

When I come to her house, I always hear her complain or have quarrels here and there with her boyfriend

"I told you already. Why dont you do this?"

"You should have arranged it!"

Blah blah blah....

Dont stay with this type of people. Their negativity will pull you down and kill all the energy inside you.
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Old 6th October 2017, 10:51 AM   #26
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Well, I'm probably the only one that doesn't find your partner "abusive".
I guess I believe you when you say you're pretty happy.

It's not nice or ideal, but these comments spread out over a year sound like someone who is just super blunt and a bit insensitive and it takes a man with thick skin to date her.
Hell, maybe she even had PMS when she said some of these things!
But I don't think she is intentionally trying to hurt you, OP.
She could definitely be more tolerant / keep things to herself though.

What I don't like is that she doesn't contribute $$ (entitled) and she makes fun of your monster's hobby.
I think making fun of something that you really like and that is part of you is stepping over the line.
I'd talk to her about those issues and being more tactful / keeping some things to herself.
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Old 6th October 2017, 11:25 AM   #27
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I realize you only mentioned some negatives but for a long term relationship they are not small issues. It does appear that you are a too tolerant and are going to need to take some tougher stances on things that are really bugging you and not just accept her condescending attitude on things you mentioned. Also you have to make sure she is paying her fair share. I don't like the rich boyfriend line. She sounds a bit entitled. You've got something's to try and work through before you take the next meaningful step in the relationship. Don't just accept the way you are being treated as it is obviously really bothering you. It would me also.
Whatever you do, don't feel that you have to stay in a relationship that's not entirely what you want just because of your age. I have a friend that is accepting an unhappy relationship because he's afraid he won't be able to find someone else because he's 54.
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Old 6th October 2017, 11:27 AM   #28
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Originally Posted by Smoothman View Post
Reading this myself, please remember these are a few examples from over a year long relationship, it's hard to take this out of context.
95% of the we are perfect together, just that 5% I think needs advice
I thought the same for my ex, but now exactly an year post-break up - I realize I was kidding myself we're good just because I hate dating in my guts.

I always just felt anxious in the relationship, I was whiny and cranky for no reason.

After the break up I realized how many hobbies, things I enjoy, people I enjoy, I have given up on while with him to make us 'fit' better.

Tonight I am throwing a celebration for myself for getting out of this hell of a relationship before making a stupid move like getting engaged or buying a house with him (both were in the works when we broke up - I'm happily single now and bought my dream house mere months after exiting the RL).

Sometimes you need to take a step back. One year is a good time to reevaluate things, I know it's hard when you're 'in' it, but just saying, break up sucks but less then divorce...
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Old 6th October 2017, 12:05 PM   #29
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Firstly:
She tends to complain a lot about me.
But it can be relentless.

Firstly, I didn't have change for the car park, and she told me: "You should be better prepared and have change" Then when I got to the entrance the etickets I bought online hadn't been sent to my email address.
"Why didn't you check first?" "OMG you're so disorganized"

Then as we look at the Meerkats, she started complaining about something else (can't remember what, it was trivial)
In that ONE trip to the zoo she managed to complain from beginning to end and you want us to believe she doesn't do that almost every day?

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Originally Posted by Smoothman View Post
But always she doubts my abilities. I admit I do tend to make decision quickly, while she agonies over every detail (Think Chidi from The Good Place, if you watch that show).

So despite successfully helping her in so many ways over the past year, I feel she still doesn’t trust me to do anything without her supervision, if I suggest that something is sorted, she will always check herself, and if something isn’t 100% correct, she will surely tell me allll about it..
Notice the key word here is 'always'. She always doubts your ability, she always tells you if something is not correct yet you insist she does that only 5% of the time. Sorry always = she does it 100% of the time.

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She doesn’t like my hobby, at all! OK, it’s unusual, I paint fantasy monsters, so it’s not exactly your standard male hobby. At first, she just dismissed it as “kid’s stiff” but lately she has been saying that all the bad monsters in the house are bad karma, and jokingly (or was it?) that they contributed to her health issues.

But while driving she pointed at the album art and said, what’s all these ugly pictures now? The example was Hozier, which for some reason she didn’t like.
She is condescending toward you. Laughing at something you like is indicative she has no respect for who you are. Combined with everything this woman considers you inferior that's why she allows herself to talk to you like this, I am not even addressing the fact she thinks she is entitled to a house you'll pay and put her name on. That's the icing on the cake.
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Last edited by Gaeta; 6th October 2017 at 12:20 PM..
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Old 6th October 2017, 3:18 PM   #30
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She is condescending toward you. Laughing at something you like is indicative she has no respect for who you are. Combined with everything this woman considers you inferior that's why she allows herself to talk to you like this, I am not even addressing the fact she thinks she is entitled to a house you'll pay and put her name on. That's the icing on the cake.
Yeah I woukd not put up with her crappy behaviour for very long.

But it really does sound like she is using you as a large wallet.

Why did she leave a career in China to move? How well did she know the guy? Is it possible she just used him to get her foot in the door, and then orchestrated a divorce to cash out (you said yourself she got a large settlement for a short marriage)

I really don't like the sound of her one bit personality wise, and I would not trust her at all from what you have said so far. Be very very careful. Try to look at this objectively, and honestly access if she might be setting you up.
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