***Time For A Change***

[Dis]

Hi guys!

 

With the help of some wonderful posters here, I've recently learned a very important and critical dating lesson

 

To put it simply, I pick the wrong guys and if I keep doing that...I'll be single forever

 

A lot of the guys I've dated were very attractive, in great shape...and also arrogant, selfish, dishonest, manipulative, abusive, unfaithful... just awful. I'm on the same level as them phsycially but I'm not a jerk. I dont know why but IME, men who look good use it to their advantage...I wish that wasnt the case

 

So I've started to take responsibilty for my part in all this, where I went wrong and what I can do to avoid repeating this pattern. Any guys that message me with huge muscles and matching egos...get blocked!

 

I got back into OLD (I know..ahhh!! ) And I'm specifically avoiding my usual type and going with guys that actually seems to be long term material

 

Heres the problem, I'm talking to this guy now. We've been talking for a few days and have plans to meet up soon...but I dont think I'm attracted to him physically Plus he's trying way too hard and its turning me off but I'm trying so hard to keep an open mind

 

I must have one of the most dsyfunctional 'pickers' of all time if I'm turned off by a guy who is, 'trying too hard'. Thats just sad

 

I'm really trying to break this pattern and I'm truly disappointed in myself for having this extremely dysfunctional mind set

 

Any tips on how to break out of this pattern?

 

Thanks guys

[dumbass2]

When I went back to OLD I tried to be a little more open in the looks department and broaden a few things like distance, so I know kinda what you're going through. It's good that you try expanding a bit in the looks department but don't go too far. I tried dating a few women that were cute, but not really too close to being physically what I wanted and I tried dating them for 5-6 dates (I like them in other ways) to give it a chance and just could not get into them physically. You like what you like. I won't be doing that again. I, like you, just need to be a better judge of people and not let the attractiveness compensate for red flags. Looks aren't everything, but if I'm not attracted to them, it's just never gonna work.

 

That's the thing with OLD. It's not like you when meet someone in real life in a social circle at a weekly activity and get to know them first and then you start becoming attracted to the person and their attributes, but never had looked at them in a romantic way before. With OLD you don't have time to "make friends". We're all on there to meet a romantic interest. Everyone would like to feel the chemistry and butterflies so to speak.

[Dis]

When I went back to OLD I tried to be a little more open in the looks department and broaden a few things like distance, so I know kinda what you're going through. It's good that you try expanding a bit in the looks department but don't go too far. I tried dating a few women that were cute, but not really too close to being physically what I wanted and I tried dating them for 5-6 dates (I like them in other ways) to give it a chance and just could not get into them physically. You like what you like. I won't be doing that again. I, like you, just need to be a better judge of people and not let the attractiveness compensate for red flags. Looks aren't everything, but if I'm not attracted to them, it's just never gonna work.

 

That's the thing with OLD. It's not like you when meet someone in real life in a social circle at a weekly activity and get to know them first and then you start becoming attracted to the person and their attributes, but never had looked at them in a romantic way before. With OLD you don't have time to "make friends". We're all on there to meet a romantic interest. Everyone would like to feel the chemistry and butterflies so to speak.

 

Thanks for this dumbss2!

 

I think I might have picked a little too far from what I like physically when I started talking to this guy. I think like you said, there needs to be some attraction there even if its not mind blowing

 

I'm going to sound like such an a****** but I'm already kind of replused by him. I know that sounds so mean but I really, really dont mean to be!!!

 

I dont get the butterflies when he texts me, I dont text him right back because I'm not really feeling it, I'm not excited about him etc etc

 

But I dont want to go after excitement and the rush, I want something long lasting. A healthy mix of the two would be great

 

I'm just trying so hard to not be so turned off by this guy He seems wonderful! Wtf is wrong with me?

[Sweetfish]

Hi guys!

 

With the help of some wonderful posters here, I've recently learned a very important and critical dating lesson

 

To put it simply, I pick the wrong guys and if I keep doing that...I'll be single forever

 

A lot of the guys I've dated were very attractive, in great shape...and also arrogant, selfish, dishonest, manipulative, abusive, unfaithful... just awful. I'm on the same level as them phsycially but I'm not a jerk. I dont know why but IME, men who look good use it to their advantage...I wish that wasnt the case

 

So I've started to take responsibilty for my part in all this, where I went wrong and what I can do to avoid repeating this pattern. Any guys that message me with huge muscles and matching egos...get blocked!

 

I got back into OLD (I know..ahhh!! ) And I'm specifically avoiding my usual type and going with guys that actually seems to be long term material

 

Heres the problem, I'm talking to this guy now. We've been talking for a few days and have plans to meet up soon...but I dont think I'm attracted to him physically Plus he's trying way too hard and its turning me off but I'm trying so hard to keep an open mind

 

I must have one of the most dsyfunctional 'pickers' of all time if I'm turned off by a guy who is, 'trying too hard'. Thats just sad

 

I'm really trying to break this pattern and I'm truly disappointed in myself for having this extremely dysfunctional mind set

 

Any tips on how to break out of this pattern?

 

Thanks guys

 

I notice this mind set and never pointed out because you seem like a genuine nice person and may think as most others do im out to just attack you or have a personal agenda. Some are not willing to see the hard truth..

 

Its hard to break your own standards... but sometimes the standards yield bad results and limits your options. Many place too many conditions on love and dating and place majority out of the market based on height or background or fiscal status.

 

If your not attracted to someone... dont force your self. OLD is not the best place to meet someone as they make fake it to make it. But.. maybe your selection of guys are based on your own self esteem?

 

Its good you can look at your own self as well and become self aware and not shift the blame.

 

 

What happen to all those EMTs you were going to bake for... lol

[KBob]

I must have one of the most dsyfunctional 'pickers' of all time if I'm turned off by a guy who is, 'trying too hard'. Thats just sad

 

Actually I think most women are turned off by a guy whose clingy, so you're not out of the ordinary there.

 

There's nothing wrong with liking what you like physically, as long as it's not rooted in true shallowness. BUT I will say that you might be surprised to find someone that you become very attracted to based upon a non physical connection. I dated a woman off Tinder last year who I matched with but put off contacting her for a few weeks because I didn't really get huge attraction from her pictures. I decided to give it a shot and when we went out over the next few weeks I became incredibly attracted to her based upon how well we connected intellectually. And she was a little better looking than in her photos too, so that helped.

 

So if you don't mind putting in the time to actually go out once with one of these guys you're lukewarm about, you might be pleasantly surprised by one of them! But if you're not feeling an intellectual connection with them even over text there's no point pursuing it, which is what it seems like with this current guy.

[GemmaUK]

You say he is trying too hard - how do you mean?

What Is he doing? What Is he saying?

 

It's Ok to try things differently but my thought is whether you actually are trying things differently or doing the same thing but with a person who looks different.

In other words are you sweeping something that is a yellow, amber or red flag to you under the carpet again?

[viatori patuit]

It might be age dependent as well.

 

When I am dating, I do begin based on looks. I realize that is a superficial way to start, but tough. It is my choice and I choose to start that way. I too found that lots of good looking females seemed absolutely crazy. The things and behaviors I would see would absolutely appall me. I too thought my picking skills were awful.

 

Then a friend of mine told me about this thing he called the 90 day lie. His observation was that people could change anything about themselves for 90 days, but at the end that period you would start to see the true person. His take was not that the picker was broken, but rather the stayer was broken. I should leave far quicker than I do from a relationship.

 

I don't know if he is correct or not, but I do notice my propensity to accept BS hoping it will change is much higher. I also notice I would take these same women back time and time again with their heartfelt apologies (if they offer them) and their attempts at manipulating me.

 

I will not compromise on standards. I have to be attracted to someone to date them. I am also now trying to be more disciplined in my approach to continuing relationships. There are people out ther that are compatible on an emotional, spiritual and physical level. I have seen it in couples I meet every day.

Edited March 14, 2017 by viatori patuit

[salparadise]

I have to be attracted to someone to date them. I am also now trying to be more disciplined in my approach to continuing relationships. There are people out ther that are compatible on an emotional, spiritual and physical level. I have seen it in couples I meet every day.

 

I think we can make adjustments to our pickers. I agree that there does need to be some degree of attraction, but it doesn't have to be the extreme weak-in-the-knees kind of attraction. You can intentionally move values and character traits to the top priority as long as there's at least some physical attraction. I think you should concentrate on this and try to give authenticity, caring, kindness, etc. at least equal billing. Once you start appreciating a person for who they are, a different kind of attractiveness tends to overshadow purely superficial. That's the way it works for me anyway...

[BluesPower]

I just cannot believe that there is not some hunk out there the is genuine, Dis...

 

I am just so much older than you guys, but I don't pick on looks, she may get my attention at first, I pick on her soul what she is about.

 

And, frankly I am not a pretty boy any more, but I am really such a great guy. I am quite hard to resist.

 

And at my favorite club that I play at, there is the gorgeous 55 babe that looks like a young 40 YO. She is always hanging out with me even when I am with another girl. She is just so hot, smart and emotionally CLOSED off and completely uninteresting to me. I don't mind being friends with her but that is as far as I go. She is really kind of annoying for some reason, there is just something missing in her.

 

I can spot them a mile off and I stay away. It is really not hard. I go for a woman that is maybe less pretty but real, and if it goes further, whether, frankly she is good in the sack. Physical beauty never trumps a gentle loving spirit in a woman, or her acumen in the bed room.

 

I guess when you are young, maybe you do not or can't see it clearly? I can walk in a room and tell you which ones are the ones to leave alone and which ones are my definition of sweet girls in 30 seconds. Now the really sweet one I leave alone also, because experience tell me that if we get involved they will get hurt, but there is this great middle ground that is perfect.

 

I hope you get this worked out Dis...

[1fish2fish]

I think you're doing just fine. You have good self awareness, and you're learning to trust your gut more and more.

 

I say go for the ones who catch your eye, even if it's a quick glance. You like what you like, and if it turns into a relationship, you're going to be looking at them for a long time.

 

But listen to your gut!

[CptInsano]

My gut feeling is that OLD is the wrong place to find that person. In a sense, OLD already warped the perception of men already. I know that the schedule in healthcare can be horrible, but I would strongly suggest looking IRL. If you don't like the profile pictures of "lesser men" and are repulsed by them, then the dates with them won't change your mind.

[Chilli]

Are you a good person ?Have you noticed if you can pick a good person in life , just anyone l mean , and are you usually right if you do ?

You read the guy in just the same way .

 

l've always been able to read a really decent, unique girl when l see one and l'm usually spot on to l must say. Patting myself on the back there haha .

And l know it sounds a bit silly but a good person usually shows in a persons face too. And also in things they say and how they say it, good people also usually have some humbleness about them,.

 

Gf now is no exception, absolute one in a million.

 

Just look for people with that good person thing about them, trust your gut not the thing between your legs .

True , same for a guy.

[Lilyana76]

I guess when I was doing OLD, I went into it thinking I was just meeting new people. Never went to a first meet thinking I was going to meet "the one", or end up romantically involved. Just meeting a new person, maybe a new friend. I met everyone, and I mean everyone. Most I knew I wasn't interested in romantically before meeting. But you never know, they could have a friend or brother! hehe

 

I did meet some really great people this way, but as for finding a future mate, no. Disappointing for sure, but I just decided OLD wasn't for me.

 

There was a guy I actually know, hangs out in the same social circle as me. He was interested, but was one of those, "why aren't you answering my messeges? don't you like me? what did I do wrong?" type of guys. If I'm at work I CAN'T answer you right away... I explained this over and over. But he never stopped that clingy neediness, so I had to be honest with him and tell him he was too needy and I didn't have time for that.

 

Best of luck girl! One day both of us will find our match... Maybe they are both hiding together?

[Gaeta]

Wonderful resolution Dis !

 

Now, there is a world of men between the puffed ones and the boring ones. You don't need to go from one extreme to the other. You need to travel back toward the middle. Forget hot and find yourself a good looking man, a man that is well put together, and that has something you find attractive maybe his smile, his eyes, his height, there needs to be a little something.

 

Then don't make a judgement before meeting in person. You'd be surprised how some ok profiles turned out to be breath-taking good looking men in person or the other way around for that matter.

 

Lastly forget about butterflies. Those can come later. For now concentrate on finding a man that looks good on paper and has a little something you find attractive. What you want is meet a man 2-3 times and each time your interest grows.

[d0nnivain]

The outside doesn't dictate who someone is on the inside. Yes, good looking people of both genders can be bad partners because they have more options then somebody who is not classically attractive. Those folks try harder & therefore are sometimes better partners because of who they are on the inside.

 

 

That said, you can't force yourself to find somebody attractive.

 

 

I know I got extremely lucky with DH. The day I met him I was instantly attracted to him because he's just my type, not too tall, dark & handsome. Upon meeting him the first thing my mother who had no filter said to him was "you're too good looking for your own good." All my GFs said not to trust him because he was just too handsome to be real. He looks a lot like the actor Pierce Brosnan, who played James Bond & Remington Steele.

 

 

Anyway, given how drop dead gorgeous he is & how well he was dressed, dark pin striped suit, rep tie & crisp white shirt -- very dapper -- I thought "oooh, yummy, player, just what I need right now -- great date, to be swept off my feet & very little emotional involvement." (Unlike most woman I liked players when I was dating because they give great date; just never, never never give your heart to a player. . . you're body sure, but not your heart). Turned out he had no idea how good looking he is so he was the farthest thing form a player. I actually tease him now & call him Mr. Nomanse (the opposite of Mr. Romance)

 

 

My point, is you can't change your superficial filter. I'm never gonna like blondes. They just don't get my motor running. You have to pay attention to the inside. If they aren't nice people get out earlier.

[Gaeta]

OH and one last thing !

 

It's not a bad thing to be the 'good looking one' in the relationship. If the man with you feels he's won the lottery he will always cherish you.

[LookAtThisPOst]

Hi guys!

 

With the help of some wonderful posters here, I've recently learned a very important and critical dating lesson

 

To put it simply, I pick the wrong guys and if I keep doing that...I'll be single forever

 

A lot of the guys I've dated were very attractive, in great shape...and also arrogant, selfish, dishonest, manipulative, abusive, unfaithful... just awful. I'm on the same level as them phsycially but I'm not a jerk. I dont know why but IME, men who look good use it to their advantage...I wish that wasnt the case

 

So I've started to take responsibilty for my part in all this, where I went wrong and what I can do to avoid repeating this pattern. Any guys that message me with huge muscles and matching egos...get blocked!

 

I got back into OLD (I know..ahhh!! ) And I'm specifically avoiding my usual type and going with guys that actually seems to be long term material

 

Heres the problem, I'm talking to this guy now. We've been talking for a few days and have plans to meet up soon...but I dont think I'm attracted to him physically Plus he's trying way too hard and its turning me off but I'm trying so hard to keep an open mind

 

I must have one of the most dsyfunctional 'pickers' of all time if I'm turned off by a guy who is, 'trying too hard'. Thats just sad

 

I'm really trying to break this pattern and I'm truly disappointed in myself for having this extremely dysfunctional mind set

 

Any tips on how to break out of this pattern?

 

Thanks guys

 

AH, this explains the rare instances that really good looking women will agree to a date with me.

 

I remember one woman that said she purposely avoids good looking men from the beginning because she stereotypes them based on what you just said about the men you dated.

 

Except, she doesn't even bother dating them, so...I benefited from her negative attitude towards the "pretty boys/hunks" lol. Lucky me.

 

Although, these opportunities for me are very few and far between.

[NuevoYorko]

I have the impression that you put way, way too much emphasis on looks - your own as well as other peoples'.

 

Being good looking and muscular does not make a man a good guy or a jerk.

 

Applying a huge weight to physical appearance may be leading you astray, whether you're over selecting for it OR dismissing men because of it.

 

You frequently comment on your own attractiveness and compare yourself favorably to other women in that regard. This is unusual and says to me that you value yourself based in large part on your opinion of how you look.

 

I'm sure you're lovely but beauty is only skin deep, truly. IMO physical appearance in forming relationships is useful in bringing people together initially. I need that. I'm never going to go out with a woman I don't find attractive even if I know she has a heart of gold (though I have developed a strong attraction to someone based on the goodness of her heart and brilliance of her mind, but that's a different story. I did not force myself.) Muscles, handsomeness, hotness are good bait but not the glue that bonds people, or a defining factor of what is inside of them.

[Dis]

You say he is trying too hard - how do you mean?

What Is he doing? What Is he saying?

 

It's Ok to try things differently but my thought is whether you actually are trying things differently or doing the same thing but with a person who looks different.

In other words are you sweeping something that is a yellow, amber or red flag to you under the carpet again?

 

What is he doing?

 

Well when I dont text him right back, he'll send me another text about something else....its like he's trying to keep my attention. He doesnt need to do that or try so hard though....if I like a guy he doesnt need to bend over backwards for me

 

Another thing, he tries really hard to be funny but he's not, so his jokes kind of come off as odd

 

The last thing, he's texting me way too much. I dont think a lot of texting before the first meet up is a good thing. I like some, but not constant

 

I think I've gotten to a point where I'm really turned off now and tbh, I dont want to meet him

 

I think in an effort to change my picking skills, I swung a little too far left as in, I'm not attracted to him for the most part but wanted to give him a chance because he's really nice

[Dis]

Actually I think most women are turned off by a guy whose clingy, so you're not out of the ordinary there.

 

There's nothing wrong with liking what you like physically, as long as it's not rooted in true shallowness. BUT I will say that you might be surprised to find someone that you become very attracted to based upon a non physical connection. I dated a woman off Tinder last year who I matched with but put off contacting her for a few weeks because I didn't really get huge attraction from her pictures. I decided to give it a shot and when we went out over the next few weeks I became incredibly attracted to her based upon how well we connected intellectually. And she was a little better looking than in her photos too, so that helped.

 

So if you don't mind putting in the time to actually go out once with one of these guys you're lukewarm about, you might be pleasantly surprised by one of them! But if you're not feeling an intellectual connection with them even over text there's no point pursuing it, which is what it seems like with this current guy.

 

A similar thing happened to me before. I went on a date with a guy that I wasnt attracted to in person at first because he looked different than his pics. Then I grew to be very attracted to him later on

 

This current guy seems very sweet. Over text our convo is good.

 

I wouldnt date a guy if I didnt have a connection with him. I'm well aware that looks dont make for a good relationship. They become secondary once you get to a certain point

 

I dont date for shallow reasons, if I did I'd still be dating the last guy I passed on. I'm really trying to find something lasting and real...something with substance and depth. I've had that connection with someone before, and I wont settle for less now. I've been through a lot in my life, I'm not a shallow person and couldnt be with someone who didnt have a good heart

 

But I need to be attracted to the person and I dont think I'm attracted to this guy..that combined with him trying to hard and blowing up my phone...I'm just really turned off now and I'm not sure I can come back from it

[Cookiesandough]

Ahhhhh dis I'm back on online dating too....hold me lol.

 

I agree with the above poster that being 'objectively' attractive doesn't make a person any more of a good person or bad person...but you've ran into some real duds

 

 

I'm wondering if there's something other than looks attracting you to these good looking jerks. :s

 

I'd date someone I wasn't that attracted to see if it changed because I know it can.

 

The only problem I can see with a strategy of dating someone you're not into that much from the beginning is that sometimes it doesn't change...yet their feelings for you grow! and then they might feel strung along...but you weren't trying to do that. You were trying to give it a chance.

 

 

I wish someone could give the secret on changing the "pickers" I'm just attracted to certain things and I can't help it. It's visceral..

 

Attracted to certain bone structure

Attracted to a certain style

Attracted to a certain way they' carry themselves'

Attracted to certain personality characteristics (could this be the real problem for you?)

Etc

[BikerAccnt]

We all like what we like, and there's only so much we can do about who attracts us. We all have a range, some small, some larger.

 

From the sounds of it this guy, though not in your optimal range, would or could be attractive to you if not for the trying to hard thing. I understand that. He's managing to turn you off intellectually/emotionally even before you meet. I mean, I am assuming even a hot muscular man could do that with too much pre-meet texting and lame jokes no? So he's basically shooting himself in the foot at the get go.

 

When I met my last GF, at first I wasn't insanely attracted to her at first. Sure I thought she was pretty but, I didn't have the instant want to jump on her thing going on However, we went out, and I had a blast, over the months not only did I grow more attracted to her, I found myself attracted in a way I didn't think I could be. All because of who she was.

 

So I applaud you for trying to broaden your horizons, this guy may just be the wrong one to broaden them with.

[viatori patuit]

another thought -

 

As a guy I don't date girls that have racy photos in their OLD profile. Clearly they are kooky.

 

perhaps passing on the profiles where the guy is bare chested an puffed up would be enough? I don't peruse dudes when I OLD, but I have to assume there are some really good looking ones out there that don't have the D bag pictures I hear women complaining about.

[Dis]

another thought -

 

As a guy I don't date girls that have racy photos in their OLD profile. Clearly they are kooky.

 

perhaps passing on the profiles where the guy is bare chested an puffed up would be enough? I don't peruse dudes when I OLD, but I have to assume there are some really good looking ones out there that don't have the D bag pictures I hear women complaining about.

 

I dont date guys who have any shirtless pics on their profiles, unless they're at the beach and they dont seem like total douches lol

[Dis]

We all like what we like, and there's only so much we can do about who attracts us. We all have a range, some small, some larger.

 

From the sounds of it this guy, though not in your optimal range, would or could be attractive to you if not for the trying to hard thing. I understand that. He's managing to turn you off intellectually/emotionally even before you meet. I mean, I am assuming even a hot muscular man could do that with too much pre-meet texting and lame jokes no? So he's basically shooting himself in the foot at the get go.

 

When I met my last GF, at first I wasn't insanely attracted to her at first. Sure I thought she was pretty but, I didn't have the instant want to jump on her thing going on However, we went out, and I had a blast, over the months not only did I grow more attracted to her, I found myself attracted in a way I didn't think I could be. All because of who she was.

 

So I applaud you for trying to broaden your horizons, this guy may just be the wrong one to broaden them with.

 

I really appreciate this Biker

 

This pretty much sums up how I feel about this guy

 

I was willing to go out on a date with him even though I wasnt really attracted to him bcuz I know from experience that attraction can grow...but then he starts trying too hard and blowing up my phone...then what little attraction I had towards him pretty much went down the drain.

 

If he was more attractive...I would feel the same. Guys just need to be themselves. No need to try so hard. I was talking to this guy who was in good shape and seemed nice enough but he kept talking about, the his joyless eating routine, the gym and his, 'muscles' in an attempt to win me over.... Needless to say, he got blocked

 

Thanks for validating my thoughts...I dont think I want to move forward with him. I feel repulsed and theres no coming back from that

 

I will continue to seek out guys who arent normally my type. I'm talking to another guy now who is maybe a 7 but has a great personality, hard working, good job and our messaging convo is great!

 

Thanks again Biker!

Edited March 14, 2017 by Disillusionment373