She's Not Used To Being Treated Nice?

[Halen1988]

Hey everyone. I posted a while back about my dating situation. I met a girl through a co workers wife. We went on a few dates. She was really into me. She contacted me everyday. On our third date things got weird. She showed some signs of anxiety on our dates, (always late..really wishy washy behavior) On our third date she admitted that she had anxiety issues.

 

She went into detail about her ex boyfriend. He was an alcoholic. Not your ordinary one. The guy had a breathalizer on his ignition. Yeah..she dated that. And from the sounds of it..she was possibly abused. When I dropped her off at her car I kissed her. I could feel her tongue trying to touch mine. I went with it. I sent her a text later that night and said i had a great time. She said she did, too. She apologized for being "so out of it.' And said she needed to work on it. I told her to worry and be herself. She said I was a wonderful guy. The next morning she sent me a long text.

 

To make it short she said she got out of a traumatic relationship and didn't think she was ready for another one. She said I was one of the most wonderful guys she's ever met...but didn't feel like she could appreciate what I had to offer. She said she wanted to still hang out (only as friends) but didn't want to waste my time. I didn't respond. I was turned off. Later on in the week she sent me a picture message of a show that I subtly mentioned on our last date that I liked. She also said I hope you're having a great week. I said hope you're having a good week, too. She didn't respond. I the meantime..I nevee mentioned any of this to my friend. He IMed me at work and said, "You need to ask her out again.

 

Basically what she was saying was no pressure no commitment." I told him that I didn't think that was the case. I took it as..I just don't want to date you." He told me, "That's not the case apparently...but I would've thought the same." I vented my frustration to him because I keep getting mixed emotions. He told me, "You have to keep in mind she was treated bad by her ex..it takes time getting used to being treated good." I thought that was BS. "My ex treated me like crap..since you're treating me good I just want to be friends for now." Whatever. That logic makes absolutely no sense. If you're not ready..don't date anyone. Plain and simple. Don't lead guys on. I never pushed anything on her and went with the flow.

 

Personally..I think it's a case of, " I'm not sure about you and want to drag you along in case I change my mind." I think SHE should tell me if she wants to see me again. Should I give her another shot?

Edited January 27, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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[ZayKayWill]

Honestly there are some people out there who are like that. Some people are so used to being treated like crap that when someone FINALLY doesn't treat them that way, they think in their mind, "This is too good to be true...he's gotta be playing games with me..."

 

Basically what I'm trying to say is that she probably thinks you're putting on a show and will eventually treat her like crap and so by not getting into the relationship in the first place she's protecting herself. Because you're right, ultimately that logic wouldn't make any sense. But again, if you come from a background when you're usually treated like crap, usually that's all that people will expect. Is to be treated like crap.

[Halen1988]

Honestly there are some people out there who are like that. Some people are so used to being treated like crap that when someone FINALLY doesn't treat them that way, they think in their mind, "This is too good to be true...he's gotta be playing games with me..."

 

Basically what I'm trying to say is that she probably thinks you're putting on a show and will eventually treat her like crap and so by not getting into the relationship in the first place she's protecting herself. Because you're right, ultimately that logic wouldn't make any sense. But again, if you come from a background when you're usually treated like crap, usually that's all that people will expect. Is to be treated like crap.

 

 

She said shes had nothing but bad relationships. I personally think if you continue staying in the same bad rwlationships that's what you like or feel you deserve. Which I feel is why she's acting the way she is.

[dumbass2]

Just sounds like she is not ready for a relationship and may not be for a while until she comes to terms with her past or gets some counseling. Right now you two don't sound compatible so I would move on as you are doing. If she wants to come back to you and go out again, I would probably pass. If you're okay with casual dating her and not looking for a relationship, then go for it.

[phineas]

Sadly i know more than a few women who have never had a healthy relationship and are in their early 40's.

 

I have zero chance of actually having a relationship with them because i am pretty much zero drama and easy going.

things start out ok but they get bored real quick and end up with a guy who treats them like crap for a solid 6 months before it implodes and they end up repeating the cycle.

 

women like this NEED drama in their lives and to feel like they aren't good enough to be with a man sadly.

[Popsicle]

Damaged goods.

 

You either have a fully open heart, or forget it.

[hercules22]

and this is why the dating life is screwed up these girl seek nice guys only for us to not get anywhere for the girls who been in bad relationships and then we think we need to be *******s to get with women i really hope i dont bump into anymore girls that come out of a relationship recently biggest mistake on my part to pursue a girl like that

[100rxr]

Sadly i know more than a few women who have never had a healthy relationship and are in their early 40's.

 

I have zero chance of actually having a relationship with them because i am pretty much zero drama and easy going.

things start out ok but they get bored real quick and end up with a guy who treats them like crap for a solid 6 months before it implodes and they end up repeating the cycle.

 

women like this NEED drama in their lives and to feel like they aren't good enough to be with a man sadly.

 

Quoted for the TRUTH!!! My ex was like this, she came from bad relationships, very needy and drama driven. I came in with my cape on trying to fix things, I am the same as you, no drama and easy going. We lasted all of 3 months in a relationship before she broke it off. Lesson learned on my part, don't date women with these red flags. The stress and fallout factor is not worth it even if the sex is great!

[fireflywy]

Why does it have to be black or white? Why does she have to be "damaged goods"?

 

Maybe she just wants to put breaks on things and take them a bit slower as she builds up trust. Maybe it really is difficult for her at the moment but it doesnt mean it will always be that way.

 

If YOU don't like that speed, that's okay but that doesn't mean you should be judgmental because she isn't ALL IN at the moment and pouring her heart out after a few dates. .

 

Patience friend. Not every flower blooms on the first day of spring.She's asserting her boundaries which is actually healthy after how she described her past. I give her credit for being more measured and honest. It means she's GROWING.

 

At least she recognizes your worth and she does seem to enjoy communicating with you. In the end though its your choice whether to match her speed or find someone else in your lane.

Edited January 27, 2017 by fireflywy

[Grey40]

From my experience, don't go by what women SAY, go by what they DO. Actions speak louder than words. Girls say "I don't want a relationship right now" but then will keep hanging out with you until it develops into one. Women say, "Stop trying to seduce me, I dont' want to have sex" and they wake up naked in your bed the next morning.

 

I view it as a kind of defense mechanism for themselves. It's a way to conceal the reality and the truth of the situation to avoid the emotional fallout or collapse if things don't work out. And sometimes it's like a test. They aren't doing this on purpose, but it's just how they think. It's a way to filter out wusses who will give up when their ego gets hurt. If you really like this girl, I would just keep hanging out with her as normal, don't bring up anything about dating or being in a relationship just let it grow naturally and it will probably happen on it's own.

 

A girl is not going to continue to hang out with you, even as "friends" if she was really that concerned about not being able to date. She will come up with excuses to not go out if she's serious about what she said. And then in that case, her actions will be clear.

[VeveCakes]

She said shes had nothing but bad relationships. I personally think if you continue staying in the same bad rwlationships that's what you like or feel you deserve. Which I feel is why she's acting the way she is.

 

She needs therapy before she will be able to have a healthy relationship. If she is always with bad men, there is a reason.

[Mrlonelyone]

From my experience, don't go by what women SAY, go by what they DO. Actions speak louder than words. Girls say "I don't want a relationship right now" but then will keep hanging out with you until it develops into one. Women say, "Stop trying to seduce me, I dont' want to have sex" and they wake up naked in your bed the next morning.

 

I am bisexual enough to have dated women and I am transgender. Everyone I have ever dated has sworn at some point they weren't gay/lesbian (or if they ID as gay/lesbian they swear they aren't straight, yeah). Then we end up together on a date. It happens as you describe. They keep hanging around and showing by how they do what they want.

 

OP look at what the woman does. If you are hanging out doing date like things. If there is some level of physical and emotional intimacy the you are dating. It's just not being called that. (The flip side is there are people "dating"/married/in a relationship that is a total sham.)

 

That said, pay heed to the ones telling you this woman sounds like damaged goods. Until she heels and works on herself she will not be ready for a healthy relationship. That may never happen. She may emotionally want to be with a man who treats her badly because that's what she thinks she deserves on some subconscious level.

[stillafool]

Some women don't get sexually aroused without the drama in their relationship. I would pass if I were you.

[carhill]

Relevant backstory here:

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/dating/608824-playing-hard-just-being-hot-cold

 

Agree with prior poster. Dated some of these in my 20's. A couple turned out to still be married. Beware of that kind of stuff, maybe not MW stuff but rather those who monkey branch.

 

Also, another lesson from the 20's era was a woman who was genuinely attracted and interested romantically doesn't treat a guy like her therapist; instead, she's cautious to not dump on him and run him off. I noted this to especially be true with the drama hoovers.

 

IMO, take the information and dating lessons learned here and move on.

[lolablue17]

OP, I agree with all of your insights. All she's saying is BS, BS, BS, BS, BS, BS leading you on from the beginning. You better improve your radar to be able spot them from date 1.

[coolheadal]

Yes she's very damaged across the board, she will need a lot of healing of emotional and physical state. That the only way she'll recover. You can be there for her as a friend. You won't be able to to get to close to her until she can learn to trust and respect whoever she's with on the level of dating. Be the best friend you can be for her that's all you can do.

[preraph]

I think she just decided she wasn't really attracted to you. Just because someone was in a bad relationship doesn't make them damaged goods. It totally depends on the details and whether they put themselves into the same type thing over and over, and certainly not all women do that. We've all had a "bad one," men and women alike.

 

She's not that attracted or she wouldn't have called a halt to the proceedings. If she was damaged goods, as people are saying, why wouldn't she have just used you for sex if she was attracted? If she was attracted to you, why wouldn't she just see how it went and whether a relationship would develop?

 

She just isn't that attracted to you. I'm sorry.

[coolheadal]

I think she just decided she wasn't really attracted to you. Just because someone was in a bad relationship doesn't make them damaged goods. It totally depends on the details and whether they put themselves into the same type thing over and over, and certainly not all women do that. We've all had a "bad one," men and women alike.

 

She's not that attracted or she wouldn't have called a halt to the proceedings. If she was damaged goods, as people are saying, why wouldn't she have just used you for sex if she was attracted? If she was attracted to you, why wouldn't she just see how it went and whether a relationship would develop?

 

She just isn't that attracted to you. I'm sorry.

 

Yes bad relationships can cause the person to have dysfunctional emotional mental issues being so unstable. She already told him how it was with the prior and you don't even know how many times she's been through her emotions like this. Emotional problems can overwhelm her causing her not too pay attention to her current love. Almost sounds like ADHD case. Unless otherwise he can stay friends with her. If she's out of it or exhibits a coma-toast behavioral around him then he'll know for sure how she is mentally unstable.

[caveman621]

I'm old! HA!

 

I'm 54. My girlfriend of about two years is 57. I think we both have this in different ways and measures. She has had quite a few relationships. Some for quite a few years. Some for a few months. But, according to her, all of them ended because the guy wasn't who she thought he was. Abusive. Neglectful. Alcoholic. Always something.

 

I never had much luck with women, but was married for 25 years. She wasn't abusive, but I wasn't happy. She was a "cold fish", if you will.

 

Now we have found each other and are both very happy and tell each other how we can't believe how perfect we are for each other. And it seems we are. So, I guess, her experiences have not been good. My experience has not been good. So it's hard for either of us to believe we're in a happy, healthy relationship But we're working on it!

[carhill]

Yeah, I'm old too, a bit older than the listed age. Once learning those lessons of the 20's, dating went better in the 30's, probably mid-30's onward. At my age now, reading your backstory post, the interactions would end immediately once I got a drama sniff. Yeah I get it some women are hot and sex is a draw to be sure but the good news is there's a billion other guys out there for them and they won't be alone so it's all good.

[BluesPower]

Here is what I do...

 

If I take a girl out and it goes well, I will ask her out one more time after the first date, whether we got busy or not.

 

If she cannot the second time, OK, fine, I just say let me know you want to go some other and I let it go. If she calls or texts, I will let her lead as to what she wants to do.

 

I DO NOT CHASE WOMEN. After the first or second date, if she wants to be with me she will and if not se la via.

 

Let her decide, if you have another serious girl by then that is the way that it is.

[preraph]

Everything I've seen, if a woman is attracted to a man, whether she's confused or messed up doesn't stop her from being with him, even if she crashes and burns. Just the people I've known don't turn down a chance with someone they're attracted to, especially one they haven't gotten to know yet and want to find out if they're who they hope they are.

[phineas]

Why does it have to be black or white? Why does she have to be "damaged goods"?

 

Maybe she just wants to put breaks on things and take them a bit slower as she builds up trust. Maybe it really is difficult for her at the moment but it doesnt mean it will always be that way.

 

If YOU don't like that speed, that's okay but that doesn't mean you should be judgmental because she isn't ALL IN at the moment and pouring her heart out after a few dates. .

 

Patience friend. Not every flower blooms on the first day of spring.She's asserting her boundaries which is actually healthy after how she described her past. I give her credit for being more measured and honest. It means she's GROWING.

 

At least she recognizes your worth and she does seem to enjoy communicating with you. In the end though its your choice whether to match her speed or find someone else in your lane.

 

 

Someone is either in a good place for a healthy relationship or they are not.

There is no middle ground because middle ground = hot/cold and who wants that?

[phineas]

I'm old! HA!

 

I'm 54. My girlfriend of about two years is 57. I think we both have this in different ways and measures. She has had quite a few relationships. Some for quite a few years. Some for a few months. But, according to her, all of them ended because the guy wasn't who she thought he was. Abusive. Neglectful. Alcoholic. Always something.

 

I never had much luck with women, but was married for 25 years. She wasn't abusive, but I wasn't happy. She was a "cold fish", if you will.

 

Now we have found each other and are both very happy and tell each other how we can't believe how perfect we are for each other. And it seems we are. So, I guess, her experiences have not been good. My experience has not been good. So it's hard for either of us to believe we're in a happy, healthy relationship But we're working on it!

 

But, she ended them when she found out who they really were correct?

She didn't cling to them then continue to complain to everyone in the world how poor they treated her did she?

 

That is an important difference.

[CaliforniaGirl]

Someone is either in a good place for a healthy relationship or they are not.

There is no middle ground because middle ground = hot/cold and who wants that?

 

I'm not so sure about this. Nobody gets older than probably elementary school without having accumulated baggage here and there...much less adulthood and a few relationships. People aren't in "a good place" or "a bad place" for relationships except as extremes; most people will fall somewhere in the middle.

 

Middle ground does not necessarily mean hot/cold. I don't see why it would. Middle ground - a few issues here and there, not perfect and not perfectly evolved and self-realized but not suicidal and freaked out either - is where the majority of us lie. We're almost ALL a middle ground as far as being ready for a "healthy" relationship - which is another very indefinable term and one that's going to be a spectrum, not to mention different for each couple.