Playing Hard or Just Being Hot/Cold?

[Halen1988]

Someone from my work set me up with a friend of his wife. When I got her number we text and spoke on the phone. She was totally into me. We had great conversations. My phone was blowing with text messages. I was thinking to myself..man she's coming on strong. We went out and had a pretty good time. She was late..but didn't bother me.*She ended up bailing a little early because she was still battling *bronchitis. She text me after and thanked me. My friend got the inside from his wife and said..heard you knocked it out of the park. Balls in your court..she won't chase you. I asked her out again the next day and she accepted. She added me on snapchat and would send me messages here and there. My friend talked to me at work and said, "I heard through the grapevine that she really likes to take things slow..take it easy no pressure..be a gentleman and let it happen." I asked,"Is there something going on? I haven't been pressuring her..if anything..she was hard after me before we went out." He told me nothing was said but that's what his wife told him about her. Had me confused. At the same time she was getting short and distant. I made plans to get breakfast and take her to an animal farm. She loved the idea. Over the course of a few days she kept minimizing the plan. "Lets just get breakfast" "Let's just get coffee." We went yesterday. She showed up 30 mins late. She ended up getting breakfast and we both ate and had coffee. She tried to pay for her own order..but I didn't let her. That was weird. We ended up having a good conversation and sat for 3 hours. She even went into small details about past relationships that were ugly. Didn't bother me...I'm pretty down to earth and can talk about anything. She looked at her watch and freaked because she was late for plans with a friend. I walked her to the car and kissed her..she smiled and put her sun glasses on. I said.."Nice shades" Inside joke we have. She laughed and I said see ya and closed her door. I text her a few hours after and told her I had a great time. She txt me later on in the day and said breakfast was wonderful and thanked me. I responded later last night and she sent me a short response late this afternoon. My friend messaged me and asked how it went. I told him it went well. I told him"You'll hear through the grapevine that I made my move." Oh I heard buddy..keep that on the low." By now..things are getting weirder and weirder. Is she trying to make me chase..or is she trying to figure out if she likes me or not? A lot of hot/cold subtle gestures.*

[smackie9]

Ask yourself....do you like any of this? Do you think it's ok for her to be late, and dash out so quickly? This sucks dude.....I suspect she suffers from anxiety. It would explain a lot about her behavior. It won't change, this is the way she is.

[KBob]

Her trying to pay for herself probably isn't a good sign, it shows she doesn't want to be in debt to you. It sounds like she's backing off probably because she's flakey or not that into you.

[Halen1988]

Anxiety..makes sense. She said she's dealt with stomach issues her entire life. She's a very nice, sweet, bubbly, outgoing person. So it's hard to point out until you look into the details.

[ChatroomHero]

I feel your pain, I've have at least a few set ups go like this and it gets frustrating. You hear from the friends how great you are and things like how she really liked you and told your friend she was hoping you'd call that day, or really looking forward to going out with you that week or how she said you were perfect for her, bla, bla, bla...even when you are on the fence with your interest.

 

But then things get weird and you ask her out and she acts like she is very low interest. Then come the cryptic responses from friends like, "she's a little different", or "I haven't heard anything either way, haven't really talked to her"...the only thing I have found is in this situation I really don't believe or trust my friends much to be completely honest. If they tell me she is in love with me but she ignores my texts or calls for a while or shows she is low interest, I just ignore the inside info. When they stop passing that inside info it's usually because they know something they don't want you to know or are trying to break the fall.

 

Your friends comment that she likes to take it slow indicates to me he heard maybe she is not interested but is not going got hurt your feelings...next he'll be saying stuff like, yeah, my wife says she is really weird...or has issues....I think you should follow your gut and ignore the inside info.

[smackie9]

The only way to treat anxiety is exposure therapy.....you give her encouragement, and reassurance, to convince her it is going to be great, but you need to be patient. Be prepared for her to bail out at times. It's like walking on eggshells. You really don't know what the results will bring.

Edited January 8, 2017 by smackie9

[Halen1988]

I feel your pain, I've have at least a few set ups go like this and it gets frustrating. You hear from the friends how great you are and things like how she really liked you and told your friend she was hoping you'd call that day, or really looking forward to going out with you that week or how she said you were perfect for her, bla, bla, bla...even when you are on the fence with your interest.

 

But then things get weird and you ask her out and she acts like she is very low interest. Then come the cryptic responses from friends like, "she's a little different", or "I haven't heard anything either way, haven't really talked to her"...the only thing I have found is in this situation I really don't believe or trust my friends much to be completely honest. If they tell me she is in love with me but she ignores my texts or calls for a while or shows she is low interest, I just ignore the inside info. When they stop passing that inside info it's usually because they know something they don't want you to know or are trying to break the fall.

 

Your friends comment that she likes to take it slow indicates to me he heard maybe she is not interested but is not going got hurt your feelings...next he'll be saying stuff like, yeah, my wife says she is really weird...or has issues....I think you should follow your gut and ignore the inside info.

 

 

 

When she kept changing date plans I asked my friend if something was seriously going on because I didn't want waste my time with someone who had issues or wasn't into me. He said I was over thinking it and said no to worry about it. "Maybe she's just trying to get comfortable with you? If something was going on I would straight up tell you. I wouldn't hide anything from you..that's not cool." Thing is..if she is trying to get me to chase..I only pursue because chasing ruins things. I throw the ball in her court..if she doesn't throw back...then it is what it is.

[Halen1988]

I might also add when she went into some detail about her past relationships she said her last ex was an alcoholic and one of them was just a bad person. Part of me was turned off, but I'm a laid back guy. That tells me maybe she likes chaos? I was told by her friend she likes traditional dating, gentleman behavior, and expects to be chased. She replied to my txt from this afternoon and left it short and told me goodnight. Since she seems to be acting flaky..should I leave the ball in her court as far as contact?

[travelbug1996]

After seeing you physically, it seems her interest level in you has dropped. Kinda like a time filler. But a good sign is that she kissed you. We don't know she may not think much about kissing. Most women don't kiss guys they don't like.

 

What kind of a kiss was it?

[Halen1988]

After seeing you physically, it seems her interest level in you has dropped. Kinda like a time filler. But a good sign is that she kissed you. We don't know she may not think much about kissing. Most women don't kiss guys they don't like.

 

What kind of a kiss was it?

 

Just a simple kiss on the lips. It's a confusing situation. She asked me all kinds of question about my family..talked for 3 hours and almost missed her date with her friend. I workout and I'm in great shape. Not to sound shallow..but she does have some "junk in the trunk" But is still cute. She's nice and bubbly. She told my friends that she thought I was gorgeous from pictures she saw. So that's not the problem. I guess I'm better off leaving it to her.

[Grey40]

Sounds to me like she could be just really nervous, shy, anxious etc about seeing you. There are girls who really Sabotage their chances with guys they really like because they don't think they are "up to par" don't think they are "good enough" and also think that there must be some weird intention..they think "why is this really cute awesome guy even talking to me?" They got all worked up to the point where it stresses them out and they give up or end up acting super uninterested.

 

It's for that reason that I hate giving up and "moving on" so easily from women who seem uninterested. Sometimes you just have to open them up more, make them more comfortable and then they start showing their true colors knowing that you DO really like them. It's up to you if she's worth the effort. There are plenty of women who will show heir interest and setting up dates and talking with them will not be at all difficult. But if the girl is worth it to you, there's nothing wrong imo with continuing to pursue until you get more clear signs of disinterest. If you text her and she still actually responds, and responds somewhat positively, I think you're still able to move ahead. When you start getting no response or a super delayed response (hours and hours) and it's only a few words of one little sentence, then that is more clear.

[Halen1988]

Sounds to me like she could be just really nervous, shy, anxious etc about seeing you. There are girls who really Sabotage their chances with guys they really like because they don't think they are "up to par" don't think they are "good enough" and also think that there must be some weird intention..they think "why is this really cute awesome guy even talking to me?" They got all worked up to the point where it stresses them out and they give up or end up acting super uninterested.

 

It's for that reason that I hate giving up and "moving on" so easily from women who seem uninterested. Sometimes you just have to open them up more, make them more comfortable and then they start showing their true colors knowing that you DO really like them. It's up to you if she's worth the effort. There are plenty of women who will show heir interest and setting up dates and talking with them will not be at all difficult. But if the girl is worth it to you, there's nothing wrong imo with continuing to pursue until you get more clear signs of disinterest. If you text her and she still actually responds, and responds somewhat positively, I think you're still able to move ahead. When you start getting no response or a super delayed response (hours and hours) and it's only a few words of one little sentence, then that is more clear.

 

I've dealt with this so many times to even count. Girls are usually super into me..then once I start making moves and being a gentleman..they get flaky and weird. My last ex almost broke it off with me in the beginning of the relationship just because she thought I was way too good..she wasn't the best looking..but I really liked her.

[Grey40]

I've dealt with this so many times to even count. Girls are usually super into me..then once I start making moves and being a gentleman..they get flaky and weird. My last ex almost broke it off with me in the beginning of the relationship just because she thought I was way too good..she wasn't the best looking..but I really liked her.

 

Yeah it's definitley a huge problem and I think my last dating experience which I just had a giant thread about might have boiled down to this similar issue. The way I see it, if the girl starts out being really into you and then isn't anymore out of nowhere there's really only a handful of possibilities why.

 

1) They simply were never really that interested to begin with. Some girls are just very friendly, flirty people and guys mistake that as interest. Though I still think it's usually pretty easy to tell the difference. So I tend to throw this one out. If they are willing to meet you in person one on one for a "date", they have to be interested at some level.

 

2) They built you up in their head as this amazing person, and then you didn't meet their expectations. This could be even more so in your case because there were clearly friends involved that only contributed to "building you up".

 

3) They aren't actually single, perhaps dating someone else or in some type of relationship and when things got too heated they started to feel either guilt, shame and need to end things before they escalate more.

 

4) they don't feel good enough. The girl doesn't want to date a guy she's going to have to constantly feel insecure around. She may think she's going to be constantly judged "why is she with him?" Or she's lll never feel pretty or sexy enough when in your presence. Women like to be shown off, not so much the other way around. They may really like you, but just don't feel comfortable being "second place". I do think this is a big reason why a lot of women are willing to settle or sacrifice looks for other qualities. And it's one of the reasons you will see very beautiful women with very average looking men.

 

5) They just don't "feel it". There are no really reasons for this, they just don't feel an emotional or sexual connection or energy with you at all. i don't buy that there's no reasoning behind this at all, if I had to guess it's that they aren't as attracted to you as they thought they'd be. Some physically features or personality traits you have got to them enough for something.

Edited January 9, 2017 by Grey40

[Gaeta]

I don't know where you guys see anxiety in this.

 

OP: Everything that was said before meeting face to face doesn't count. When you meet you start the chrono back to 0. What you see from the day you met her is a woman that is luckywarm about you.

 

I agree with smackie when she says is this chasing enjoyable to you?

 

 

[Halen1988]

Well things have turned a complete 360. She's coming back around. She snapchats me sometimes and we text here and there. I asked to take her to the mall where one of her favorite piano stores is and offered to eat at the food court. She was really excited. Today she text me and asked if we could just get coffee instead of the food court. Then she continued to tell me that there's too many people in a food court and it freaks her out. Clear sign of anxiety issues. So that explains some of her behavior. She even asked if I would take her to an animal shelter sometime. So obviously..she's into me..but has some physcological issues.

[phineas]

Her trying to pay for herself probably isn't a good sign, it shows she doesn't want to be in debt to you. It sounds like she's backing off probably because she's flakey or not that into you.

 

I know women like this.

They have issues.

 

they are so picky that 1 out 20 men they meet actually get to a 2nd date with them so they insist on paying because they don't want to be one of those horrible women who use online dating to drink for free 7 nights a week.

 

however, just because they pay doesn't mean they aren't interested.

 

OPs problem is he came off as desperate by asking her out the next day and the more he chases the less sexually attracted to him she becomes.

 

he could of had a chance. but i think he blew it by acting needy.

[phineas]

Well things have turned a complete 360. She's coming back around. She snapchats me sometimes and we text here and there. I asked to take her to the mall where one of her favorite piano stores is and offered to eat at the food court. She was really excited. Today she text me and asked if we could just get coffee instead of the food court. Then she continued to tell me that there's too many people in a food court and it freaks her out. Clear sign of anxiety issues. So that explains some of her behavior. She even asked if I would take her to an animal shelter sometime. So obviously..she's into me..but has some physcological issues.

 

Sounds like you guys will be great friends.

[QueenDafine]

Her trying to pay for herself probably isn't a good sign, it shows she doesn't want to be in debt to you. It sounds like she's backing off probably because she's flakey or not that into you.

 

Not related to this thread at all, but what? When I go out on a date with a guy and want to pay for my own meal/drinks, it's not because I don't want to be "in debt" to him! It's because I don't expect anyone to pay for me and I can take care of myself? If you want to pay for me, go ahead, but I don't rock up to dates like a snotty bitch expecting everything to be paid for.

 

Her wanting to pay for herself means she can take care of herself and doesn't expect a guy to have to pay; I mean no one should? So stfu and learn Something you idiot.

Edited January 11, 2017 by QueenDafine

[Halen1988]

So she dropped a bomb on me yesterday. We went out on Saturday. We had pretty good time. We went to a shopping mall and got some dinner. I ended up driving her to the restaurant. I opened her door for her and got in the car. She asked..so do you do that for everyone?? I said, "Yeah why?" "Oh...thats very sweet!" I had an a blue t9oth adapter in my cigarette lighter outlet and she freaked out. "WHAT IS THAT??!" I said,"It's a blue tooth adapter thingy." "Oh..I thought it was one of those blow..breathalizer things." I joked and said, "Yeah..I had one of those." She said, "WHAT??" I told her I was playing and she smacked me on the arm and laughed. Then she proceeded to tell me that her last ex had a breathalizer on his ignition!! I said, "WHAT?" "Oh yeah..he was an alcoholic...he wasn't a good person." I didn't really say anything. I felt that was terrible dating judgement lol. We ate and things got weird. She told me she struggled with anxiety..yada yada. I was willing to give her a chance. I dropped her off at the car and kissed her. I felt HER tongue try to touch MINE. So..I went with it. A text her a few hours later and said I had a good time. She said she had a great time and said she was sorry for being so "out of it..I really need to work on that." Things just got weirder. But I was still willing to give her a chance. I said, "You're fine..be yourself." She told me I was such wonderful guy..blah blah. I woke up the next morning with a long text from her. She said her last relationship was very traumatic and wasn't ready to handle things. She said I was one of the most wonderful guy she's ever met (Again..with that buttering up bs. Or she truly hasn't met any good guys in her life..which shows me that's not what she really wants. I'm a good guy..but I'm doing the things any decent dude would do?!") She said she still wanted to spend time with me..but as friends as she wasn't ready to handle anything. I knew that was all bs and just laughed. I didn't respond. I've been through this a,million times..they always come back..when they do..I pretty much tell them to scram and they get mad. I don't get it..you don't go around dating dudes if you're not ready. She started tonguing ME..then..oh..sorry..can't do this. This exact scenario has happened countless times.

[Halen1988]

I never responded to her message from last weekend. I mean..why should I? I have nothing to prove to her. I made it obvious that I didn't just want friendship out of her. I got a message from her late Thursday night. She told me she hoped I had a good week and sent me a picture of something that I subtly told her I liked the last time we went out. I kept it short and said, "You have a good memory..hope you had a good week, too." She didn't respond. So obviously she does like me..but I won't chase her around like a puppy dog. She needs to initiate things with me since she threw a bunch of weirdness at me and cut me off. It sucks because I like her. Does she seem to have emotional issues or is this sound like a case of 50/50 interest?

Edited January 21, 2017 by Halen1988

[Lilyana76]

I suffer from anxiety as well. Its excruciating. I think she is interested, but I'm not sure she wants you to chase her.

 

I think the idea of her letting someone close to her might be scaring her off at this point. Like you said, past trauma in relationships. Sounds like she could really benefit from some therapy. I would give her the space she needs to figure stuff out and not try to pursue anything with her at this time.

[mightycpa]

Get your friends out of the middle of that. Their input skews your judgment as to how to act, and when the time comes for you to revert back to being your normal self, it won't end well.

[Halen1988]

Get your friends out of the middle of that. Their input skews your judgment as to how to act, and when the time comes for you to revert back to being your normal self, it won't end well.

 

I think my friends wife was feeding my friend BS. He told me, "From what I've been told..she won't chase you." He also saidn "She likes to take things slow..so don't pressure her..but treat her like a queen." But yet..she was giving me ideas for future dates. Before we even went out hos wife was telling me, "I'm really trying to coach her on what to look for in a guy. She needs a gentleman." But yet..her ex was an alcoholic...and more than likely abusive. So..I think his wife is trying to stir things.My friend has been quiet for a couple of weeks. So I think he knows something and wants to stay out of it. If I messed up...he would tell me bluntly.

[Jj66]

You took it too fast.

 

Personally, I thought you came off as way to eager. Too many dates way too close together if I read it all right. I was thinking this even before I read that you heard afterwards from your friends that she likes to take it slow. The perception from that camp was obviously that you were taking it too fast. Otherwise why would they bring it up? They were saying slow down but I don't think you did.

 

How often you wanted to go out right from the opening gun would have scared me and I don't have anxiety issues.

[Halen1988]

Get your friends out of the middle of that. Their input skews your judgment as to how to act, and when the time comes for you to revert back to being your normal self, it won't end well.

 

 

We went out just once a week on the weekends. She contacted ME everyday..even gave me ideas for dates in the future. I don't see how I took it fast. I was just going with the flow. My friend told me that after we went out the first time.