Boyfriend cheap or frugal?

[vanillacupcakes]

So, before I dive into my dilemma, I will provide some backstory to paint a clearer picture. I have been dating my boyfriend for 2 ½ years now. We both just turned 28 last month. We both have jobs where we make about same salary (he’s a sales rep for an online school and I’m the office admin for a software company). I live on my own in a 1/1 apartment and he still lives at home with his parents. I do receive a bit of financial help from my parents since housing prices in South Florida aren’t what you’d consider cheap, but nonetheless, I pay more each month than my boyfriend does since he doesn’t have to worry about rent. I want to be completely independent, so I plan on looking for a weekend job in order to make that happen. You’re probably wondering why he hasn’t moved in with me yet, considering how long we’ve been together and how we’re pushing 30. I wish I had a better explanation than the one I have. He claims he intends to- But he’s in debt from having to pay off a root canal, his lease is about to be up on his car and needs to think about affording a new one, his other bills add up to be too much to afford moving in with me. He says he wants to strive for more and knows he needs to find a better job in order to make a life with me, but I think you’ve caught on by now reading this far that he talks the talk, but doesn’t really walk the walk. His excuses: The economy is going down the toilet/Obama has ruined the country/there’s no opportunities these days/it’s too difficult to find a decent job in South Florida if you aren’t bilingual/he doesn’t have a college education/And my favorite: The world is going to end soon anyway (he’s a conspiracy theorist and believes the end times are upon us). I’m worried that in another 2 ½ years from now, nothing will have changed and he will continue to justify his current situation. What bothers me most is that his job is seasonal. During the summer, he only worked 3 days a week. During that time, he could have been looking for opportunities to make additional income or using those 2 days off a week to go to job interviews. Instead, he spent them sitting around in his room watching movies and reading conspiracy books…

 

Besides the lack of ambition, there are numerous red flags that I have been ignoring and in denial about for far too long. Friends and family continuously point them out but I wanted unbiased opinions. It bothers me just using the word, but there are many reasons that have lead me to believe that he’s what you’d consider “cheap”. Because this will be very sporadic, I will compose a list to explain..

 

• Every weekend, it’s a requirement that we go to Costco (this is a “bulk” type grocery store if you’re unfamiliar – and we use my mom’s membership card) so he can get the cheapest deals on bread, yogurt, eggs, etc. It’s always a zoo on the weekends but I guess it’s worth it to save $5-$10. Then we’ll go to Publix and/or Walmart because they sell certain items at each store that are cheaper (for example, tuna packets are $1 at Walmart whereas at Publix, they might be 3 for $4) each. So, we basically spend a good portion of the day grocery shopping searching for the best deals on food to save a few dollars. To me, this makes no sense because it uses more gas to go to more places. I suggested one weekend that he buy twice the amount of food so we could skip going the next weekend, so we could actually do something. He claimed that it would be too costly to do that all at once. Oh, and when we go to Publix, you’ll never catch him buying anything that isn’t BOGO or 2 for $5..

• Unless it’s for an anniversary, he rarely will ever take me out. Maybe once every 6 months, if that. I’ve taken him out to eat countless times throughout our relationship. When I received my tax refund check last year, I even paid for a trip to Universal Studios/Disney for both of us. Anyway, for the few times he has taken me out, I knew ordering a glass of wine or appetizers was out of the question and I knew better than to order anything remotely pricy. I usually go with the cheapest item on the menu. But even so, when the check comes, he’ll make comments such as “And this is why I don’t like to go out to eat.” He thinks eating out it a waste of money and that money could be used on groceries. On average, every other Saturday night, my parents will take us out to dinner. He has no issues with this because he knows he doesn’t have to pay. He claims that he doesn’t have to take me out to dinner because “my parents do it enough already”. This past weekend, I was already in my PJ’S at 8:00 on a Saturday night. Randomly, he asked me if I’d like to go anywhere. For a moment, I thought he was suggesting taking me out on a date, but what he was actually meant was “Are there any stores you want to go to that we didn’t already go to earlier?”

• He groupons. If we ever do anything, it has to be a deal on groupon. In our first year, he brought me to an arcade because he found a deal on groupon. In our second year, he bought a groupon for an indoor trampoline park. Last week, he bought tickets for us to see Disney on Ice.. On groupon. Two weeks ago, I bought us tickets to see Cirque du Soleil and spent a great deal to ensure we got amazing seats (I knew his eyesight wasn’t the best and I wanted him to have a memorable first experience since it was his first Cirque show). Because he used groupon to get the cheapest option, we won’t find out where our seats are for the Disney on Ice show until the night before.

• He stays at my apartment during the weekends and sometimes a night or two during the week. He has no problem using things like my laundry detergent, toilet paper, olive oil to cook, sweetener to add to his coffee.. But the only time he’s ever offered to replenish anything, was when I suggested he should. He paid for my toilet paper one time about two months ago. When I asked him why he never offers, he replied “I didn’t know you wanted me to/you never ask me”.

 

There are many more issues that I could address here, but I will save that for another time since this has become long enough. I am not a gold digger. When I was in my late teens, I briefly dated a divorced man much older than me who began to spoil me/bought me gifts/had taken me out to fancy restaurants. But I quickly ended it when it became apparent that he had no intention of taking me seriously and the possibility of falling in love was not there. I clearly remember many people having told me “You should have waited it out until after Valentine’s Day!” (Since it was just around the corner and he could have showered me with gifts one last time). I have been in multiple relationships with people you’d consider as “boys” and not “men”- I treated them the majority of the time, I was the one who did the “spoiling” (I hate using that word but I can’t think of an alternate one), etc. Heck, I’ve even flown a guy down I was in a long distance relationship with to see me every month for 6 months straight. I’m beginning to realize I’ve accepted it thus far because It’s all I’ve really known throughout my adult dating life. I don’t know how to let a man be a “man” in a relationship and step up to the plate. I find myself feeling uncomfortable, like a “gold digger” even desiring these things because I have thoughts like “All you must care about is money” and “Stop being so superficial and high maintenance” when I think about this. I have a big heart, I’ve always been very generous and it brings me joy to do things for people I love. I’ve been this way since I was a little girl. And it’s not that I expect to receive as much as I give, but when the person I love doesn’t even want or THINK to reciprocate anywhere near as much as I have, it hurts. But I know he does love me and care about me. He has positive qualities, but at this point, I don’t think they outweigh the negative. I’m stuck between “Will he change? Should I give him more time? Are my expectations too high? Am I putting too much focus on the wrong things?” OR “Maybe he won’t change, could this be who he is? Have I given him enough time? Are my expectations not high enough? Am I not putting enough focus on the right things?”

 

Any advice would be much appreciated. Thank you for reading.

[empresario]

Seems to me like you know who he is, what he's about, and what potential he has. It's up to you to decide if your current and long-term goals still mesh up.

 

 

They may have been perfectly aligned at the start, but people change. Perhaps you're more ambitious now, and he's not?

 

 

If he's like this with you now, what would it be like if you were married? Would your assets become his in the sense that every dollar/cent coming in would be micro-managed?

 

 

Different people have different standards of living.

 

 

Side note, but what is up with boomerang children these days? I get it, living with your parents is cheap. But past college it seems a little ridiculous.

[Vercetti]

30, lives at home, in debt over not being able to manage money when 30 living with mommy. I'm really getting sick of Peter pans that squander the only benefit of living with mom, stacking cash quick to shave years off establishing themselfs. Sorry all the 30 lives with mom dead ends that get posted here have gotten to me.

[d0nnivain]

I think his shopping habits are frugal but I agree with you that using up more in gas then you save makes no sense.

 

I also think that he is bad with money. If you make roughly the same amounts and you can live on your own but he can't and he is not actively pursuing greater financial opportunities for himself his lack of ambition is likely to drive you apart.

[Versacehottie]

Yes he sounds cheap AND frugal. You already have much to resent. Unless you want to sign up for a life of no fun where you do all the work in the relationship, it sounds like a good time to move on. He is not even trying to better his only life financial and is happy being a freeloader (on his parents and on you when he can get away with it). He sounds pessimistic and grumpy and he's 28!!! Please for your own sake move on. No brainer

[usernametaken]

So, before I dive into my dilemma, I will provide some backstory to paint a clearer picture. I have been dating my boyfriend for 2 ½ years now. We both just turned 28 last month. We both have jobs where we make about same salary (he’s a sales rep for an online school and I’m the office admin for a software company). I live on my own in a 1/1 apartment and he still lives at home with his parents. I do receive a bit of financial help from my parents since housing prices in South Florida aren’t what you’d consider cheap, but nonetheless, I pay more each month than my boyfriend does since he doesn’t have to worry about rent. I want to be completely independent, so I plan on looking for a weekend job in order to make that happen. You’re probably wondering why he hasn’t moved in with me yet, considering how long we’ve been together and how we’re pushing 30. I wish I had a better explanation than the one I have. He claims he intends to- But he’s in debt from having to pay off a root canal, his lease is about to be up on his car and needs to think about affording a new one, his other bills add up to be too much to afford moving in with me. He says he wants to strive for more and knows he needs to find a better job in order to make a life with me, but I think you’ve caught on by now reading this far that he talks the talk, but doesn’t really walk the walk. His excuses: The economy is going down the toilet/Obama has ruined the country/there’s no opportunities these days/it’s too difficult to find a decent job in South Florida if you aren’t bilingual/he doesn’t have a college education/And my favorite: The world is going to end soon anyway (he’s a conspiracy theorist and believes the end times are upon us). I’m worried that in another 2 ½ years from now, nothing will have changed and he will continue to justify his current situation. What bothers me most is that his job is seasonal. During the summer, he only worked 3 days a week. During that time, he could have been looking for opportunities to make additional income or using those 2 days off a week to go to job interviews. Instead, he spent them sitting around in his room watching movies and reading conspiracy books…

 

Besides the lack of ambition, there are numerous red flags that I have been ignoring and in denial about for far too long. Friends and family continuously point them out but I wanted unbiased opinions. It bothers me just using the word, but there are many reasons that have lead me to believe that he’s what you’d consider “cheap”. Because this will be very sporadic, I will compose a list to explain..

 

• Every weekend, it’s a requirement that we go to Costco (this is a “bulk” type grocery store if you’re unfamiliar – and we use my mom’s membership card) so he can get the cheapest deals on bread, yogurt, eggs, etc. It’s always a zoo on the weekends but I guess it’s worth it to save $5-$10. Then we’ll go to Publix and/or Walmart because they sell certain items at each store that are cheaper (for example, tuna packets are $1 at Walmart whereas at Publix, they might be 3 for $4) each. So, we basically spend a good portion of the day grocery shopping searching for the best deals on food to save a few dollars. To me, this makes no sense because it uses more gas to go to more places. I suggested one weekend that he buy twice the amount of food so we could skip going the next weekend, so we could actually do something. He claimed that it would be too costly to do that all at once. Oh, and when we go to Publix, you’ll never catch him buying anything that isn’t BOGO or 2 for $5..

• Unless it’s for an anniversary, he rarely will ever take me out. Maybe once every 6 months, if that. I’ve taken him out to eat countless times throughout our relationship. When I received my tax refund check last year, I even paid for a trip to Universal Studios/Disney for both of us. Anyway, for the few times he has taken me out, I knew ordering a glass of wine or appetizers was out of the question and I knew better than to order anything remotely pricy. I usually go with the cheapest item on the menu. But even so, when the check comes, he’ll make comments such as “And this is why I don’t like to go out to eat.” He thinks eating out it a waste of money and that money could be used on groceries. On average, every other Saturday night, my parents will take us out to dinner. He has no issues with this because he knows he doesn’t have to pay. He claims that he doesn’t have to take me out to dinner because “my parents do it enough already”. This past weekend, I was already in my PJ’S at 8:00 on a Saturday night. Randomly, he asked me if I’d like to go anywhere. For a moment, I thought he was suggesting taking me out on a date, but what he was actually meant was “Are there any stores you want to go to that we didn’t already go to earlier?”

• He groupons. If we ever do anything, it has to be a deal on groupon. In our first year, he brought me to an arcade because he found a deal on groupon. In our second year, he bought a groupon for an indoor trampoline park. Last week, he bought tickets for us to see Disney on Ice.. On groupon. Two weeks ago, I bought us tickets to see Cirque du Soleil and spent a great deal to ensure we got amazing seats (I knew his eyesight wasn’t the best and I wanted him to have a memorable first experience since it was his first Cirque show). Because he used groupon to get the cheapest option, we won’t find out where our seats are for the Disney on Ice show until the night before.

• He stays at my apartment during the weekends and sometimes a night or two during the week. He has no problem using things like my laundry detergent, toilet paper, olive oil to cook, sweetener to add to his coffee.. But the only time he’s ever offered to replenish anything, was when I suggested he should. He paid for my toilet paper one time about two months ago. When I asked him why he never offers, he replied “I didn’t know you wanted me to/you never ask me”.

 

There are many more issues that I could address here, but I will save that for another time since this has become long enough. I am not a gold digger. When I was in my late teens, I briefly dated a divorced man much older than me who began to spoil me/bought me gifts/had taken me out to fancy restaurants. But I quickly ended it when it became apparent that he had no intention of taking me seriously and the possibility of falling in love was not there. I clearly remember many people having told me “You should have waited it out until after Valentine’s Day!” (Since it was just around the corner and he could have showered me with gifts one last time). I have been in multiple relationships with people you’d consider as “boys” and not “men”- I treated them the majority of the time, I was the one who did the “spoiling” (I hate using that word but I can’t think of an alternate one), etc. Heck, I’ve even flown a guy down I was in a long distance relationship with to see me every month for 6 months straight. I’m beginning to realize I’ve accepted it thus far because It’s all I’ve really known throughout my adult dating life. I don’t know how to let a man be a “man” in a relationship and step up to the plate. I find myself feeling uncomfortable, like a “gold digger” even desiring these things because I have thoughts like “All you must care about is money” and “Stop being so superficial and high maintenance” when I think about this. I have a big heart, I’ve always been very generous and it brings me joy to do things for people I love. I’ve been this way since I was a little girl. And it’s not that I expect to receive as much as I give, but when the person I love doesn’t even want or THINK to reciprocate anywhere near as much as I have, it hurts. But I know he does love me and care about me. He has positive qualities, but at this point, I don’t think they outweigh the negative. I’m stuck between “Will he change? Should I give him more time? Are my expectations too high? Am I putting too much focus on the wrong things?” OR “Maybe he won’t change, could this be who he is? Have I given him enough time? Are my expectations not high enough? Am I not putting enough focus on the right things?”

 

Any advice would be much appreciated. Thank you for reading.

 

That was a long post, and in it, I didn't see you mention one thing you like about the guy.

 

He is underemployed, unambitious, and blames circumstances outside his control for his problems. On top of that, he's a conspiracy theorist, and he is frugal in a way that isn't going to be much fun for most people.

 

If you continue on with him, this is the life you're choosing: extremely rare evenings out with a man who complains about the bill and blames God and the government for his financial woes.

 

Your resentment for him is obvious and warranted. If you're at the point that you're annoyed he's using your toilet paper and your olive oil, this isn't sustainable. Sorry.

[Diezel]

Wall of text makes me think you two are pretty incompatible.

Break up with him.

[fitnessfan365]

There is a difference between cheap and practical. Your BF is both IMO.

 

Example - Cheap is him dragging you to Costco on weekends to use your mom's card instead of paying a one time $55 payment for his own membership. He should be doing his grocery shopping on his own time and should not be using your days together to do his errands. I'd give it to him straight and say that if he wants to keep using Costco, he needs to get his own membership card and not involve you.

 

** Although, I do find it funny that you slight the guy for using a bit of toilet paper, coffee creamer, or olive oil. It would be like if I kept a running tab every time my GF used my bathroom and then made her feel guilty for not replenishing toilet paper or hand soap. LOL So even though you sound like a generous woman w-the Cirque tickets and taking your BF out, that makes you sound a bit frugal yourself.

 

Example - Practical is using Groupon. He is planning things for you to do, but is smart enough not to pay full price. Recently I took my GF to the circus for a date. Tickets were $75 a piece full price. On Groupon, they were $25 piece for the same seats. Now why would I not want to save $100? If my GF was the type of woman to hold that against me, I wouldn't be dating her. So to look down on the guy for using Groupon is a bit snobbish IMO.

Edited September 1, 2015 by fitnessfan365

[jen1447]

He sounds frugal to me - excrutiatingly frugal. Life's too short to live it that way imo (weekend trips to Costco would make me want to die), but to each their own.

 

I think the bigger issue here is you're looking at negatives, which means you've already disassociated w/him to some degree in terms of values. Things don't usually go up from there.

[HereNorThere]

Frugal is just a polite way to say cheap, so there's not really any difference there. Is he cheap, hell yeah he's cheap. However, I'd be more worried about his hardcore Republican/conservative rhetoric than I would be his spending habits.

Those types are super, super dangerous. You really want to marry a man who wouldn't spend money on your health care?

 

"Sorry honey, but the blood pressure meds are just too much this month."

 

Nah, no way.

[Siquijor]

Ditch him. If he's got a problem with that, tell him the world's going to end anyway.

[CarrieT]

The bottom line is that you know who he is, the way he lives, and his methodology on spending.

 

Do you want to live like that the rest of your life? If not, he is not marriage material.

 

I'm guessing he will never change and his spending habits will continue to gnaw at you and cause a bigger rift in the future.

 

Cut the cord now and move on to someone more compatible...

[SoftViolin]

I think even beyond this particular situation (which judging by how frustrated you already are probably won't last long), you need to think about why you are finding yourself in these situations. You deserve as much as you give, and you shouldn't accept anything less. It is not about gender stereotypes, there's nothing wrong with being a dominant woman. A man's ability/desire to take you out somewhere or pay for you is not what makes him a man, or a good partner. It's the reciprocal care for one another that does. So if you are finding that you are doing more for your partners and are not feeling cared for in return, these are not people who will make you happy, and the resentment will only build.

[Tobin]

Look ahead, to when you're living together, whether you're married or not, you'll be sharing expenses.

 

How's this going to work?

 

Answer: It's not. You think you'll be happy with going out a few times per year and running around to different stores and wasting your gas and your precious time off to possibly save a few bucks?

 

Of course not. You're not going to change, and neither is he.

 

The writing is on the wall, and I think you already know this and are looking for validation.

 

You got it.

 

Find someone more compatible.

[Qboro90]

Usually I'm pretty understanding when it comes to guys in relationships wanting to save money but in your situation that doesn't look like the case at all. Your boyfriend is terrible with money, and shoes no signs of improving. Judging from his behavior it looks like he has no intentions of improving his situation by finding a more year round stable income.

 

Reasons for not moving in such as paying for a root canal, car lease expiring, etc are legitimate expenses, HOWEVER, you can bet your life that every year something will come up that will require you to spend extra money. Car accidents, insurance going up, living expenses, attending a wedding and giving gifts, health requirements... The list goes on. You can give him a dose of reality by explaining that there's always gonna be something to pay for. If he's as cynical about the economy and government as you say then I see this situation only getting worse as time goes on.

 

People like that will blame their financial situation and futures on things like the government or economy so that it appears that it's out of their control. That's bull****. Every American deals with the same government and economy and if you're motivated enough you can better your situation no matter where you live or what you do.

[vanillacupcakes]

 

** Although, I do find it funny that you slight the guy for using a bit of toilet paper, coffee creamer, or olive oil. It would be like if I kept a running tab every time my GF used my bathroom and then made her feel guilty for not replenishing toilet paper or hand soap. LOL So even though you sound like a generous woman w-the Cirque tickets and taking your BF out, that makes you sound a bit frugal yourself.

 

Example - Practical is using Groupon. He is planning things for you to do, but is smart enough not to pay full price. Recently I took my GF to the circus for a date. Tickets were $75 a piece full price. On Groupon, they were $25 piece for the same seats. Now why would I not want to save $100? If my GF was the type of woman to hold that against me, I wouldn't be dating her. So to look down on the guy for using Groupon is a bit snobbish IMO.

 

Thank you for your response. I do think I should have elaborated on this part more than I did. I agree that it does sound a little ridiculous and petty that I have become resentful when he uses a little bit of my toilet paper, but it took a LONG time to get to that point. For over two years, it didn't cross my mind because it's in my nature to give without expecting the same in return. The problem is.. After two years, the resentment began to build when i noticed that it became a routine, when it became the norm, when he expected to just use all of my things with no regard or thought of EVER replenishing them, when he went to grocery shop with me and noticed all of the items I buy constantly that he uses often. It began to make me feel used and unappreciated. I feel more like a mom than a girlfriend. And when I finally brought it up to him, his justification was that I never asked him to help. Why do I have to ask? It just makes me feel like he's inconsiderate and unthoughtful. How would you feel if your significant other stayed over 3-4 nights every week, acted like they were entitled to use your supplies constantly, fully aware that you have more bills than they do? I feel like it's a little thing that speaks volumes about someone as a person.

 

And regarding the whole groupon issue - I agree that it would be silly to pay more for something if you could find it cheaper on groupon. However, the seats he bought for Disney on Ice are going to be in the nosebleed section. He has said himself that he hates going to concerts and sitting that far up because there's basically no point - Everything looks like an ant from that far away. He disregarded that though when he purchased them.. When two weeks prior, I made sure we had decent seating for Cirque du Soleil, even if it costed me. How often are we going to go to something like that? Of course if those same seats I bought were available on groupon, then I would obviously purchase them for the cheaper price. What bothers me the most is that if there were never any good deals on groupon that he'd consider activities we could do together... Then we would stay in and never go out and do anything. It's basically groupon or nothing. It just makes me feel like I'm not worth more than a groupon date when I obviously think he is worth more than a groupon date.

 

PS: Prior to buying the Cirque du Soleil tickets, I had just gone to see the same show with my parents (they treated me for my birthday). During the entire show, I had kept wishing that my boyfriend had been with us since I knew he would love it as much as I did. Even though I had just seen it, I still bought the tickets for us to go because I wanted him to experience it too. Before he knew this, I asked him "You didn't want to go to the Cirque du Soleil show with us?" His response: "Yeah, if I didn't have to pay for it."

Edited September 2, 2015 by vanillacupcakes

[Els]

As stupid as it is to spend 3 hours to save $5 (not including gas costs) when you're living in a country with a minimum wage of more than that, and as unambitious as he is... the thing that bothers me most about what you described is the whole armageddon conspiracy theory thing. I mean, really?? He isn't interested in living life to the fullest because he thinks the world will end soon!?

 

What kind of life would you even have with a man who believes that? I'd bail ASAP. It's actually a blessing in disguise that you haven't moved in together yet.

 

(On a less serious note, my guy and I always use Groupon and entertainment card deals, though, so I'm in support of that. )

[fitnessfan365]

Thank you for your response. I do think I should have elaborated on this part more than I did. I agree that it does sound a little ridiculous and petty that I have become resentful when he uses a little bit of my toilet paper, but it took a LONG time to get to that point. For over two years, it didn't cross my mind because it's in my nature to give without expecting the same in return. The problem is.. After two years, the resentment began to build when i noticed that it became a routine, when it became the norm, when he expected to just use all of my things with no regard or thought of EVER replenishing them, when he went to grocery shop with me and noticed all of the items I buy constantly that he uses often. It began to make me feel used and unappreciated. I feel more like a mom than a girlfriend. And when I finally brought it up to him, his justification was that I never asked him to help. Why do I have to ask? It just makes me feel like he's inconsiderate and unthoughtful. How would you feel if your significant other stayed over 3-4 nights every week, acted like they were entitled to use your supplies constantly, fully aware that you have more bills than they do? I feel like it's a little thing that speaks volumes about someone as a person.

 

And regarding the whole groupon issue - I agree that it would be silly to pay more for something if you could find it cheaper on groupon. However, the seats he bought for Disney on Ice are going to be in the nosebleed section. He has said himself that he hates going to concerts and sitting that far up because there's basically no point - Everything looks like an ant from that far away. He disregarded that though when he purchased them.. When two weeks prior, I made sure we had decent seating for Cirque du Soleil, even if it costed me. How often are we going to go to something like that? Of course if those same seats I bought were available on groupon, then I would obviously purchase them for the cheaper price. What bothers me the most is that if there were never any good deals on groupon that he'd consider activities we could do together... Then we would stay in and never go out and do anything. It's basically groupon or nothing. It just makes me feel like I'm not worth more than a groupon date when I obviously think he is worth more than a groupon date.

 

PS: Prior to buying the Cirque du Soleil tickets, I had just gone to see the same show with my parents (they treated me for my birthday). During the entire show, I had kept wishing that my boyfriend had been with us since I knew he would love it as much as I did. Even though I had just seen it, I still bought the tickets for us to go because I wanted him to experience it too. Before he knew this, I asked him "You didn't want to go to the Cirque du Soleil show with us?" His response: "Yeah, if I didn't have to pay for it."

 

Thanks for expanding. I must admit that doesn't paint him in a good light. I'd also be bummed to be stuck in the OBSVIEW section. It's especially funny that he's said there's no point with bad seats, yet he gets those seats..LOL

 

His comment about going if he didn't have to pay definitely makes him cheap. I mean it's one thing to be practical and look to save money. But it's another not to use some of those savings you accumulate for special occasions. Since it was with your folks especially, he should've gone IMO.

 

I was serious before though. You should tell him that you have no desire to go on the weekend Costco trips anymore and that he needs to get his own membership card and go on his own time.

[Ami1uwant]

Why did your parents not buy you two tickets as a gift to you or why didn't they work out something with your boyfriend?? Do they not like him?

 

Why is it taking all day for shopping? It shouldn't.

 

It's smart to plan ahead and look at the store ads and see what's on sale where.

 

You don't need to do it on Saturday when you guys could do something.

[anika99]

While some of his habits sound frugal he is actually just cheap. Taking you out for dinner once every 6 months and then making snide comments like "and this is why I don't like to eat out" when the bill comes, answers the cheap or frugal question and it also makes him sound like a jerk. I would never take someone out and then bitch and whine when the bill comes. How is that going to make my dinner date feel? Pretty awful I'd say. He is cheap, and self centered - you have to spend every weekend doing his shopping - and men like this don't change except to get worse.

 

You are not a gold digger because you would like a man to occasionally treat you as special as you treat him. Letting a man get away with letting you do and pay everything isn't you proving that you're not a gold digger, it's you proving that you're a bit of a doormat. I know you are kind and giving, but once you let a man take from you without ever doing any of the giving, he will begin to see you as someone to be taken advantage of.

 

It did sound kind of funny when you spoke about him not reimbursing you for toilet paper and olive oil..lol...but I totally get why you are at that point. I also don't think you meant that if he used some of our toilet paper that he should run out to the store to buy you more tp. I think you just meant that it would be nice if he would contribute something to your household since he is there several nights a week. Like maybe he could just turn up with groceries one weekend or maybe call you before he even arrives and asks if there is anything you need or want him to pick up. You have every right to expect that and you should not feel guilty or selfish for expecting him to pay his share of things and wanting him to sometimes make it about you instead of it always being about him.

 

My kids father was a lot like this guy, maybe even worse because it seemed like there was nobody that he wouldn't try to use or take advantage of when it came to getting other people to pay his way. I was only 16 when I started dating him (he was 24) and it took me until I was 24yrs old to wise up and realize that he was using me and he was never going to change. Well that was over 20 years ago and he never did change. He has a relationship with my youngest son so that's how I know he's still the same. Cheap guys don't suddenly become generous people, they just get cheaper. I think this relationship might have run it's course and it's time for you move forward without him.

[kilgore]

He sounds frugal to me - excrutiatingly frugal. Life's too short to live it that way imo (weekend trips to Costco would make me want to die), but to each their own.

 

I think the bigger issue here is you're looking at negatives, which means you've already disassociated w/him to some degree in terms of values. Things don't usually go up from there.

 

But sometimes you need the big thing of paper towels and the huge bag of popcorn at Costco

[Popsicle]

Is he hot?

[Goodbye]

Wow. I always seem to wind up with men with money issues...either not having money or having money and being cheap/frugal. I'm all about responsible spending, but when you are spending hours each day thinking about which yogurt is cheaper...no way.

 

That being said, I know how hard it is to exit a relationship after you've put some miles into it..but my guess is that no matter how much money this guy ever makes, spending is going to be an issue. He is obsessive.

 

What is more concerning is his obsessive thinking about conspiracy theories. Yuck. He must be all hot and bothered with his new soul mate Donny Trump. This guy sounds like he has a few screws loose.

 

Why did you fall in love with him? What were you hoping would be the outcome?

[regine_phalange]

He kind of sounds like a walking misery, but I'm curious, how much toilet paper does he use up??

[Lois_Griffin]

You sound like you have your act together and this guy just wants to live off mommy at almost 30 years old. How embarrassing for him.

 

I'm not surprised that he just expects you to provide everything because for 28+ years, he's expected his parents to provide for him, so why should you be any different? I'd resent his sorry ass too if he allowed me to shop for all the things HE always uses at your place but just assumes YOU should pay for them. I'd kick his ass out the door so fast I'd have to FedEx his shadow to him the next day.

 

You need to find a guy who has more ambition and is more self sufficient and independent; not this man-child who thinks the world owes him something. You're light years ahead of this user.