I'm afraid he's CHEATING ON HIS GIRLFRIEND with me?

[LifeandPerseverance]

Backstory: I've been casually seeing this guy (and others) for 3-4 weeks now. Things are pretty good, he's met a couple of my family members, I've met his older sister (and she said nothing about him having a gf), he's never been disrespectful to me, etc etc. Last week, something really terrible happened and he actually may have saved my life. I'm thankful for these things. In the aftermath of the event, he's also been really supportive, checking on me and offering to help in any way he can.

 

And now, the BAD: I know that he had a longtime, LONG DISTANCE girlfriend up until a couple months ago. I know they met the end of college when she was here on exchange, and they subsequently spent 2.5 years in a relationship. I know he lived in Germany for 3 months with her. And I know she lived over here for a few months with him. She just got her masters in the U.K. and is living in England now. According to him, they decided to take a break a few months ago, during which he thought that meant maybe they could date others, but that neither were going to enter into new relationships OR sleep with people. He created a tinder. Meanwhile, she and he continued skyping as normal, and she was telling him she missed him and his family (I guess she was really close with his family), and he thought they were going to get back together..And then one day she announced to him she was sad that day because a guy she had been SLEEPING WITH and liked, didn't like her. And apparently had just been using her to hook up. So the guy has a meltdown. To quote him he told me: "So I wrote her a very angry message, telling her I don't want her in my life, removing her from my life."

 

That sounds great, right? Until...I looked him up on facebook. HE AND SHE ARE STILL FRIENDS. Also? Here's the part that worries me--he likes ALL HER PICTURES. She's one of those attention wh0r** people who changes her profile pic to different glam shots every day (no joke)..and he's been liking all of them..for months.

The final straw was Tuesday I looked..and he and I have been talking a lot lately, and yet, meanwhile..This week he's liked all 3 of her new profile pics. I cornered him on the phone about it, and he told me they talked on Friday. And that they're not getting back together, and that he told her about me (um, okay, what's going on between us isn't that serious, so I see that as unnecessary, but WHY are you talking to your ex if you hate her?). He said he took all of those profile pics, while she was in the U.S. last fall. That's why he's liking them. And two are old reuses that he'd already liked in January (I checked my facts and all of that was true).

 

He added me on facebook last night..I accepted...Went to his "ABOUT ME" section...Wouldn't you know it..THERE IS NO RELATIONSHIP INFO--it doesn't say single, nor in a relationship. The whole box simply isn't there--he's set his privacy settings so either just me or the whole world can't view it. Sketchy? Or me being paranoid?

 

I brought this up to him, and he sent me a screenshot of a conversation from earlier in the day on facebook messager, between HIM AND THE EX. Quote "this is proof I DON'T have a girlfriend."

The conversation:

HER: "If it was for you we would never see each other again. Because you are proving to me that your choice is to forget and you are acting like a total stranger."

HIM: Shall I remind you that it was you that hurt me? Which by the way you never apologized.

HER: Once again, you never gave me a chance and as much as I understand your point of view, maybe one day you'll realize I did not deserve the offensive ways used against me as a result."

 

That conversation to me, does not sound like someone who doesn't still have a girlfriend. It merely sounds like a couple who are fighting--AND STILL TALKING. Opinions? Please? The biggest thing that terrifies me is I'm helping a guy cheat on his long distance girlfriend without knowing it. I never want to do that. I've been the girl cheated on before. It's my duty to protect other girls.

Edited April 23, 2015 by LifeandPerseverance

[PegNosePete]

I would move on. Whether he's technically still with her or not, the fact is, he lied to your face. That is not the kind of guy who makes good boyfriend material. If he's lying after just 3-4 weeks then what do you think he will be doing after 3-4 years? Nope... NEXT.

[Michelle ma Belle]

Since you're only "casually dating" this guy, he owes you nothing. Sorry but those are the facts. Until you've had the talk about being exclusive stop stalking his every move and over analyzing every detail.

 

If you're that concerned about his relationship status with this other girl, end it or at the very least stop having sex with him. That is the only way to protect yourself and not end up being the other woman.

 

Simple.

 

Good luck.

[LifeandPerseverance]

Since you're only "casually dating" this guy, he owes you nothing. Sorry but those are the facts. Until you've had the talk about being exclusive stop stalking his every move and over analyzing every detail.

 

If you're that concerned about his relationship status with this other girl, end it or at the very least stop having sex with him. That is the only way to protect yourself and not end up being the other woman.

 

Simple.

 

Good luck.

 

 

I know and I feel like I must look like crazy stalker because of it. I'm not trying to be. It's only casual--he doesn't owe me anything. But he does owe it to her to be honest. And to be honest to me.

 

 

We're not having sex. But things are quickly heading that way. And as things heat up, NOW is when I'm starting to worry there's a girl out there he's being unfaithful to.

[Gary S]

Never date a man who has a girlfriend.

[LifeandPerseverance]

Never date a man who has a girlfriend.

 

EXACTLY, Gary. That's why I'm trying to figure out. Does he HAVE a girlfriend and is lying to me? Or am I just being paranoid, and he is actually single like he says?

[Gary S]

Well, if this woman he is skyping with is long distance, it can't be much of a relationship.. only 1 in 1,000 long distance relationships workout. How can you kiss a person who is not there?! So it's not serious and really not a real threat.

 

But I know, talking to this other woman can feel like a real threat, it can feel like cheating. I understand. If it turns you off too much, you might have to throw in the towel. People are going to do what they want to do, you can't change them.

[jen1447]

My impression is it's not (or no longer) a relationship, but my impression is also that he's fundamentally dishonest. The many details of his story are entirely plausable, but what gets people confused about this stuff is that the reality is in the big picture, not the many details individually. Added all up, imo it's extremely unlikely that it's all totally innocent and there was't any overlap, and again most importantly it sure seems like he's manipulating the data to favor him.

 

Just trust your gut - wrong guy. Not all wrong guys are total pieces of crap tho, so his being good to you in times of need doesn't mean he wasn't genuine, it just means he was good and genuine and also most likely a part-time liar/information-manipulator.

[Phoenician]

Well, if this woman he is skyping with is long distance, it can't be much of a relationship.. only 1 in 1,000 long distance relationships workout. How can you kiss a person who is not there?! So it's not serious and really not a real threat.

 

But I know, talking to this other woman can feel like a real threat, it can feel like cheating. I understand. If it turns you off too much, you might have to throw in the towel. People are going to do what they want to do, you can't change them.

 

But Gary , the issue is that even if 10k away it could still be an Emotional affair ; I have been through this and the grass looked greener on the other side ; and this EA almost led to PA .

 

 

So , it is cheating even if they don't touch each other , because give him/her a free ticket and they will rock the floor under them ....

 

 

op , follow your gut , u deserve a better guy .

[LifeandPerseverance]

I'm feeling like in my gut, that he hasn't attempted to lie to me. They stayed friends on facebook, but I don't think they were talking again until Friday. But would he have come forward with that info on his own, if I hadn't cornered him the other night? That's the question.

He's NOT my boyfriend. It's casual. I don't care--he can go sleep with however many girls he wants. He can date as many and whoever he wants. We both still are active on tinder. And I plan to remain so. Never again will I lock myself down for a selfish man so they can then screw me over later, unless I'm 2000% certain I want to. I'm seeing multiple guys at once, and talking to more than that. I'm sure he's doing the same.

 

So *I* don't feel tricked. I just want to make sure he's not tricking *some girl in England*, who's trusting him. I was cheated on. I remember that feeling so acutely and I don't feel like I can be a part of that. But I also don't want to lose a guy I otherwise enjoy, from being a paranoid crazy girl.

And seriously? If a guy I was seeing came forward and was like "I looked at your facebook. Are you still together with your ex? Don't lie to me!" I would think he was bat**** crazy and make a break for it.

 

My brother (who is a GREAT judge of character and pegs people flawlessly each time) has met him and hung out with him, and LIKES him. Quote "he's a great guy". And I've met his older sister--and we were all drunk--if the chick was still his girlfriend, I feel like someone who have let something slip. He's told his parents about me, and I don't feel like he would do that if they were still together, because SHE was close with his family.

 

I have a tendency to self sabotage. And I'm not sure if that's what I'm doing here. I'm not trusting, AT ALL.

But on the other hand, I just want to be sure. I already had one guy who assured me he wasn't going anywhere, who I really really liked and dated for a month, drop me flat when the ex came back in the pic. I can only do that once annually. I've also been cheated on. It's been a long time since a guy actually backed up what he said for me, and treated me well AND stayed interested.

Edited April 23, 2015 by LifeandPerseverance

[Gary S]

But Gary , the issue is that even if 10k away it could still be an Emotional affair ; I have been through this and the grass looked greener on the other side ; and this EA almost led to PA .

 

 

So , it is cheating even if they don't touch each other , because give him/her a free ticket and they will rock the floor under them ....

 

 

op , follow your gut , u deserve a better guy .

 

- I agree, that's what I suggested in my second paragraph.

[Michelle ma Belle]

I'm feeling like in my gut, that he hasn't attempted to lie to me. They stayed friends on facebook, but I don't think they were talking again until Friday. But would he have come forward with that info on his own, if I hadn't cornered him the other night? That's the question.

He's NOT my boyfriend. It's casual. I don't care--he can go sleep with however many girls he wants. He can date as many and whoever he wants. We both still are active on tinder. And I plan to remain so. Never again will I lock myself down for a selfish man so they can then screw me over later, unless I'm 2000% certain I want to. I'm seeing multiple guys at once, and talking to more than that. I'm sure he's doing the same.

 

So *I* don't feel tricked. I just want to make sure he's not tricking *some girl in England*, who's trusting him. I was cheated on. I remember that feeling so acutely and I don't feel like I can be a part of that. But I also don't want to lose a guy I otherwise enjoy, from being a paranoid crazy girl.

And seriously? If a guy I was seeing came forward and was like "I looked at your facebook. Are you still together with your ex? Don't lie to me!" I would think he was bat**** crazy and make a break for it.

 

My brother (who is a GREAT judge of character and pegs people flawlessly each time) has met him and hung out with him, and LIKES him. Quote "he's a great guy". And I've met his older sister--and we were all drunk--if the chick was still his girlfriend, I feel like someone who have let something slip. He's told his parents about me, and I don't feel like he would do that if they were still together, because SHE was close with his family.

 

I have a tendency to self sabotage. And I'm not sure if that's what I'm doing here. I'm not trusting, AT ALL.

But on the other hand, I just want to be sure. I already had one guy who assured me he wasn't going anywhere, who I really really liked and dated for a month, drop me flat when the ex came back in the pic. I can only do that once annually. I've also been cheated on. It's been a long time since a guy actually backed up what he said for me, and treated me well AND stayed interested.

 

As much as I respect the concern you have for the other girl (very refreshing btw), it's not your job to protect her. Your job isn't to ensure anything apart from his availability and if you want to try and build something more with this guy.

 

LDR are tricky in many ways. HE may say they're no longer together but she may think otherwise. Happens all the time and it doesn't have to be a LDR for that kind of miscommunication to exist. At the end of the day, it would be hard to really know what's going on because he's here and she's there. Lots of room for misinterpretation.

 

And just an FYI about LDR, they can and do work despite what some people say but it takes a lot of work and a really strong foundation built on trust and respect.

 

If he hasn't been hiding anything and been quite forthcoming and transparent (as best as you can tell anyways) then maybe there is nothing to worry about. No one really knows except the two of them. And as easy as it would be to just ask the girl directly that would be pretty tacky especially if it's behind his back.

 

Dunno

Edited April 23, 2015 by Michelle ma Belle

[Redhead14]

Backstory: I've been casually seeing this guy (and others) for 3-4 weeks now. Things are pretty good, he's met a couple of my family members, I've met his older sister (and she said nothing about him having a gf), he's never been disrespectful to me, etc etc. Last week, something really terrible happened and he actually may have saved my life. I'm thankful for these things. In the aftermath of the event, he's also been really supportive, checking on me and offering to help in any way he can.

 

And now, the BAD: I know that he had a longtime, LONG DISTANCE girlfriend up until a couple months ago. I know they met the end of college when she was here on exchange, and they subsequently spent 2.5 years in a relationship. I know he lived in Germany for 3 months with her. And I know she lived over here for a few months with him. She just got her masters in the U.K. and is living in England now. According to him, they decided to take a break a few months ago, during which he thought that meant maybe they could date others, but that neither were going to enter into new relationships OR sleep with people. He created a tinder. Meanwhile, she and he continued skyping as normal, and she was telling him she missed him and his family (I guess she was really close with his family), and he thought they were going to get back together..And then one day she announced to him she was sad that day because a guy she had been SLEEPING WITH and liked, didn't like her. And apparently had just been using her to hook up. So the guy has a meltdown. To quote him he told me: "So I wrote her a very angry message, telling her I don't want her in my life, removing her from my life."

 

That sounds great, right? Until...I looked him up on facebook. HE AND SHE ARE STILL FRIENDS. Also? Here's the part that worries me--he likes ALL HER PICTURES. She's one of those attention wh0r** people who changes her profile pic to different glam shots every day (no joke)..and he's been liking all of them..for months.

The final straw was Tuesday I looked..and he and I have been talking a lot lately, and yet, meanwhile..This week he's liked all 3 of her new profile pics. I cornered him on the phone about it, and he told me they talked on Friday. And that they're not getting back together, and that he told her about me (um, okay, what's going on between us isn't that serious, so I see that as unnecessary, but WHY are you talking to your ex if you hate her?). He said he took all of those profile pics, while she was in the U.S. last fall. That's why he's liking them. And two are old reuses that he'd already liked in January (I checked my facts and all of that was true).

 

He added me on facebook last night..I accepted...Went to his "ABOUT ME" section...Wouldn't you know it..THERE IS NO RELATIONSHIP INFO--it doesn't say single, nor in a relationship. The whole box simply isn't there--he's set his privacy settings so either just me or the whole world can't view it. Sketchy? Or me being paranoid?

 

I brought this up to him, and he sent me a screenshot of a conversation from earlier in the day on facebook messager, between HIM AND THE EX. Quote "this is proof I DON'T have a girlfriend."

The conversation:

HER: "If it was for you we would never see each other again. Because you are proving to me that your choice is to forget and you are acting like a total stranger."

HIM: Shall I remind you that it was you that hurt me? Which by the way you never apologized.

HER: Once again, you never gave me a chance and as much as I understand your point of view, maybe one day you'll realize I did not deserve the offensive ways used against me as a result."

 

That conversation to me, does not sound like someone who doesn't still have a girlfriend. It merely sounds like a couple who are fighting--AND STILL TALKING. Opinions? Please? The biggest thing that terrifies me is I'm helping a guy cheat on his long distance girlfriend without knowing it. I never want to do that. I've been the girl cheated on before. It's my duty to protect other girls.

 

You're this stressed out about a guy you've been seeing for 3 or 4 weeks? Paleeze. Some tough love here . . . he owes you nothing at this point. He can and should talk with anyone he wants to talk to.

 

Until he asks you for exclusivity or to be in a relationship, it doesn't matter. If he has done that already and there is this much stress, lack of trust or clarity about the "relationship", MOVE ON.

[ExpatInItaly]

Just stop seeing him. Problem solved. His drama is his drama. You're clearly not happy about this scenario, so stop the chaos and move on.

 

 

For what it's worth - I don't think he's cheating on her. To me, it sounds like they are in fact exes but that he's keeping that door very open.

[snowflakes88]

It doesn't sound like they're together, but it definitely doesn't sound like he's over her.

[melissacus]

He isn't over her yet, you can either be fine with that and keep seeing him with no talk about the "issue", or you can not be fine with it and a)discuss it with him as you're discussing it with us or b)stop talking to him.

[PogoStick]

The OP is causing the drama here. She's doing the crazy girlfriend stalker moves on a guy she doesn't even want a relationship. No drama existed until she went snooping around. She didn't find much but she's still trying to conflate it into something big.

 

Some girls just can't leave behind teenage drama.

[GoodFlora]

I don't think that is your business what they might have, since you're not his girlfriend.

LDR are very hard bc even when it's over you know that is not working only bc of the distance and it's very hard to let it go. I know how it's. So, you have the option of keep dating the guy and see where it leads... or just stop it before you get lot of feelings.

Stalking at this point is too early... can you imagine yourself in two months of dating this guy and doing the same thing all over?

 

I know it's not my business but I think that you could take a break of dating for a while. In my culture I think we do that more often and it helps to heal our bad experiences in the past.

 

Best wishes for you

[kendahke]

I've been casually seeing this guy (and others) for 3-4 weeks now.

 

it's nice that he helped you out, etc., but it doesn't sound like you two are in a place where what he likes on a facebook page warrants you having a melt down over what he says to someone he was in a relationship with and very well may still be.

 

They're not done. You two never began. Really, there is nothing here.

 

Don't conflate your gratitude for his help and concern with him considering you a girlfriend--not at the 3 - 4 week mark.

[kendahke]

EXACTLY, Gary. That's why I'm trying to figure out. Does he HAVE a girlfriend?

 

He does. Just go with that and move on.

[kendahke]

But I know, talking to this other woman can feel like a real threat, it can feel like cheating.

 

This isn't cheating because he and OP barely know one another and are casual. He owes OP nothing until he makes a declaration of commitment and exclusivity with her--and that hasn't happened.

 

Now, the cheating that is going on, clearly, is OP being in his life. It's quite clear that he's emotionally involved with this woman, despite what he's saying to OP about him being single. OP knows this woman exists now and she's snooped the correspondences between them. It's no longer as if OP doesn't know this woman exists. Integrity insists that OP end things until dude is done with his girlfriend.

[kendahke]

HER: "If it was for you we would never see each other again. Because you are proving to me that your choice is to forget and you are acting like a total stranger."

HIM: Shall I remind you that it was you that hurt me? Which by the way you never apologized.

HER: Once again, you never gave me a chance and as much as I understand your point of view, maybe one day you'll realize I did not deserve the offensive ways used against me as a result."

 

That sounds like a lot of emotionally unfinished business.

 

What I'm getting from this exchange is that once she offers up an apology that she is totally willing to give, they're back on. So while they're physically not together, emotionally they are still in this up to their eyeballs.

[PegNosePete]

I'm feeling like in my gut, that he hasn't attempted to lie to me.

What about this:

To quote him he told me: "So I wrote her a very angry message, telling her I don't want her in my life, removing her from my life."

Blatant lie.

[elaine567]

The conversation:

HER: "If it was for you we would never see each other again. Because you are proving to me that your choice is to forget and you are acting like a total stranger."

HIM: Shall I remind you that it was you that hurt me? Which by the way you never apologized.

HER: Once again, you never gave me a chance and as much as I understand your point of view, maybe one day you'll realize I did not deserve the offensive ways used against me as a result.

This probably doesn't sound like they are together at the moment, but this all sounds like unresolved business and for that reason the OP would be unwise to get into the middle of it.

People take breaks and then they get back together, then they break up again, then get back together...

Unfortunately other people get caught up in the mess and can get very hurt. I think this sounds like one of those messes. They are still involved with each other.

 

This is not

 

Him: How are you?

Her: Great, We're going to Cuba.

Him: WOW! Cuba? When?

Her: Yes, Cuba. I'm so lucky, next week, I can't wait. Tim booked it in January.

Him: You'll have to tell me all about it.

Her: I'll get in touch when we get back.

..................................................

 

This is (paraphrased)

 

Her: I'm hurting

Him: Not as much as me, I'm in agony.

Her: You really hurt me.

Him: You really hurt me.

Her: I miss you

Him: I miss you too...

..................................................

I am glad the OP has not got in too deep yet, but she is clearly on the cusp, and reading that conversation, I feel she should stay well clear.

[veggirl]

I'd stop seeing him simply for the fact that he's still SO invested in his exes life.