I can't seem to tell her I like her... Also, does she think I'm gay?

[rarerampage]

Hi everyone.

 

I'm new here. I am a 29 year old guy living in Japan (foreigner), and for some reason I just can't seem to tell this girl that I like her, and want to be more than friends. It's worth to note that I have Social Anxiety Disorder (very tame right now, but it used to be awful many years back).

 

Let me back up a bit... I met her around a month ago, give or take at an event. She was working at the event, but for some reason we just started talking when I got in. We spoke for a few minutes while I registered in, and then I went on my way since she had other people to attend to. I was talking to a bunch of people at the event, and she comes up to and strikes up a conversation. We start talking and I felt... weird. Was it love at first sight (or talk lol)? I don't know, but this has never happened to me. So we are chatting for about an hour, and her boss comes a little pissed off saying she should be attending newcomers. She excuses herself and goes back to the entrance. I keep talking at the other people but glance at her from time to time and our eyes meet sometimes. A few minutes later back she comes, and actually gets in the middle of the conversation I was having with another girl, and eventually it's just me and her talking. Along comes her boss again, angry. She goes back to work. I didn't see her until the end of the night, when she came find me before she left and gave me her contact.

 

We spoke for a few days and eventually made plans to go to dinner. We went to dinner and the night went great. She had to leave early because she wakes up very very early to go to work, but we ended up talking for hours! The restaurant staff actually had to "kick" us out... We talking for a bit more and she went back home after we made more plans for a couple weeks later (she is very busy with work, often doing overtime which is normal here in Japan, hence why a couple of weeks later). Randomly, one day, before the 2nd date, she asked me if I wanted to go to dinner with her. I went, and again, we had a lot of fun together. She is 4 years older than me, and randomly asked me if age difference in a relationship mattered to me. Which was weird. I said no. Now, this sounds completely obvious, but the thing is, we come from different cultures, so she could just be curious... (I know, it's stupid reasoning).

 

Now, a few days ago, it was our latest dinner out (we don't really use the word "date" here, so it's confusing to know if you're on a romantic date with a woman or not... as if more confusion was necessary *sigh*), and there's a lot of flirting and all of that. And I went telling myself that that day I would at least tell her that I like her. We definitely got closer to each other that night, and we made plans for the next weekend. But I ended up not saying anything. My brain just always finds a reason not to. I am confident in a lot of things, in most things really, but I ALWAYS fail at this. Also she might have jokingly called me her husband once or twice, and randomly spoke to me about her ex boyfriend.

 

Then something weird happened. We were on our way home and she asks me if I am gay. I feel very surprised and say "What? No. What would make you think that?" and she says "Because usually guys who are handsome and nice are gay". I am still a bit confused by the question, and just say "No, I am not. But are you saying I am handsome and nice?" but we were in a very loud place and I don't think she understood me very well, so that conversation ended there.

 

Now I am panicking that she might think I am gay. I am kicking myself in the face because I didn't say anything. And I am very upset and don't really know how to proceed.

 

We have roughly made plans for the weekend, she's supposed to tell me tomorrow if she can go or not, but I am really worried that I might have ruined everything for the weekend. Now it might be really hard for me to say it to her face, but I don't want to tell her I like her through a text... But I am thinking I should at least send her a text saying that I cannot be gay since I like her or something... But it sounds so cheesy.

 

I am SO lost and confused right now. I have no idea what to do! Any advice would be greatly appreciated... Either way, I need to do something fast, because I REALLY like this girl.

 

Thank you in advance...

Edited September 17, 2014 by rarerampage

[mightycpa]

Because usually guys who are handsome and nice are gay.

 

Meaning,

 

Because you should have made a move by now. Or maybe you're just a pussy.

 

I have no idea how you recover from that. The time to act was right after that comment, to prove her wrong. Well, actually, the time to act was before that comment, but the LAST time to act was immediately after that comment.

 

Better keep working on that Social Anxiety Disorder thing. Is your timidity a symptom of that? If I were you, I'd focus on that problem because it is holding you back.

[rarerampage]

Meaning,

 

 

 

I have no idea how you recover from that. The time to act was right after that comment, to prove her wrong. Well, actually, the time to act was before that comment, but the LAST time to act was immediately after that comment.

 

Better keep working on that Social Anxiety Disorder thing. Is your timidity a symptom of that? If I were you, I'd focus on that problem because it is holding you back.

 

Yes, timidity / shyness is a lot of it. And a few years ago I couldn't even talk to women (even talking to guys I barely knew was antagonizing at times). But I managed to go through it with the help of therapy.

 

And I agree with you. I actually really wanted to say "I can't be gay, since I like you", but we were on a train and japanese people don't really like public showings of affection... That and my brain sucks. I think way too much.

 

I don't know if I should text her something, or try to meet with her for a quick coffee (we live relatively close to each other).

[mightycpa]

Forget about the gay thing. Invite her to have that cup of coffee, and sit next to her (not across) and whisper something like this into her ear:

 

I've been thinking about what you said, and I like you and I want to take you out on a real date

 

before you withdraw, kiss her on the ear lightly (to help dispel the nice guy image) then sit back and look her in the eye and do not look away and do not say a word until after she speaks. Demand an answer with your countenance.

 

It is a Hail Mary, but fortune belongs to the bold.

[rarerampage]

Forget about the gay thing. Invite her to have that cup of coffee, and sit next to her (not across) and whisper something like this into her ear:

 

 

 

before you withdraw, kiss her on the ear lightly (to help dispel the nice guy image) then sit back and look her in the eye and do not look away and do not say a word until after she speaks. Demand an answer with your countenance.

 

It is a Hail Mary, but fortune belongs to the bold.

 

Yeah I think I'd need some more years of therapy to make a move like that lol. But I might try to see if she can come for a cup of coffee and, even if not using that move, at least come clean and tell her that I like her.

[mightycpa]

Yeah I think I'd need some more years of therapy to make a move like that lol. But I might try to see if she can come for a cup of coffee and, even if not using that move, at least come clean and tell her that I like her.

 

That's why she made the gay comment.

 

Don't tell girls you like them. Ask them out.

 

Action vs. feelings. Leave the feelings stuff until later, when it is appropriate. Actions speak louder than words, and if you ask a girl out, it is IMPLIED AND GENERALLY ACCEPTED that you like her.

 

Telling her sounds NEEDY, unless you're backing it up with some action.

[Mrin]

That's why she made the gay comment.

 

Don't tell girls you like them. Ask them out.

 

Action vs. feelings. Leave the feelings stuff until later, when it is appropriate. Actions speak louder than words, and if you ask a girl out, it is IMPLIED AND GENERALLY ACCEPTED that you like her.

 

Telling her sounds NEEDY, unless you're backing it up with some action.

 

There is so much truth here. Dude, she's practically clubbing you over the head. F-ing make a move. Ask her out. Kiss her. Jesus H.... "Tell her I like her???" Dude, just man up and show her you like her.

 

Best of luck man!

[rarerampage]

Yeah the thing about the "kiss her" is that doesn't really work here. That's usually the move i'd go for back in my country, just lean in and see. Also the date thing, that's how it worked in my country.

 

But here, my japanese friends always tell me not to lean in, here you come out and say you like the person. I have a japanese girl friend that told me a foreigner leaned in to her and she panicked and backed off, and she really liked the guy. Also, we have been on dates... There's not really a japanese word for date (except the loan word that is the same as english, but not often used), but she actually called our last outing a date by asking me if the guys always pay for the girls when going out in my country.

 

I am about to text her this: "Hi. How are you? I know it's a bit sudden, but can we meet for a cup of coffee later tonight? There's something I've been meaning to tell you but couldn't find a way to do it the last time."

 

Implying I have something to tell her makes it obvious, and when she asks me what I have to tell her I guess I have no way out.

[mightycpa]

I accept that cultural differences may indeed prevail. Who knows?

[rarerampage]

I know a handful of couples here (mostly foreign - japanese) and all of them said the infamous "anata ga suki desu" (a.k.a. I like you). And all of the foreign guys in those relationships had problems with the "leaning in" and doing really over the top stuff before trying that.

 

I'm not saying it won't work at times. I'm sure some girls here even fantasize about that, but it seems obvious to me that it is more often the other way around. I actually think it'd be easier to just lean in. It's a movement, it's not words. I panic with words. And as I said, that's how it worked in my country... If they back off, you have your answer and there's no need to trade words.

 

By the way, thank you for the help (forgot to say it before).

[Phoe]

I agree that it's time to make a move. My interpretation from the things that she's said, is that she does have interest in you.

 

However, I do NOT agree with you kissing her. Not only are you in a different place culturally, I think it's just plain too forward.

 

I would not like it if a man leaned in to whisper in my ear, and then kissed my ear, or my face, or kissed anything really. Don't touch me. It would be a major turn off if a man was so presumptuous to start putting his lips on me that quickly, without any confirmation that I do have interest. He'd be told off very quickly.

 

Talking to her is the best option. Letting her know you like her is best. If you get back confirmation that she likes you too, THEN you can do something like giving her a kiss, if the time is right. You know better than we do whether a kiss would be an appropriate thing or not.

[rarerampage]

@Phoe

 

My interpretation is the same... I think it's very obvious that she has interest in me (to the point of me being really stupid for not having said anything yet), but for my mind it never seems like a good time... there's always an excuse, my brain always panics, it's awful. That's why I'm trying to put myself between the sword and the wall - when she asks me what I have to tell her, I WILL have to tell her, because she knows I'm meeting with her to tell her something.

 

In my country it was normal to lean in slowly for the kiss, and see if the other person leans in as well. But usually that's after we've shown interest for each other (by going on dates, for example, something that is complicated here). So yeah, I want to do it the right way, by saying it (and probably in japanese).

 

A kiss would be appropriate if we are not in a very crowded place, people here don't really like over the top public displays of affection. A quick kiss is okay, but a first kiss might be a bit too much (as it is always intense).

 

I just hope she can make it, as she might not be able to meet me... I just want to get this over with and get my answer once and for all.

 

Thank you.

[rarerampage]

Okay, she replied to me saying she couldn't come since she had plans. That's all it said and I kind of panicked that she just didn't want to see me again after that night. Then she tells me she can't come to what we were planning for the weekend. And I panicked even more.

 

And then she invited me for lunch on sunday. Okay, for a minute there I thought I had lost my chance, and that this girl just didn't want anything else to do with me. Also, if she had said yes to meeting for a quick coffee, it could be just so we get over this and she could tell me she didn't want anything with me. But my text was obvious (it was obvious I wanted to tell her I like her), and she actually invited me for dinner.

 

I am usually negative about this stuff due to my anxiety disorder and just bad experiences in the past, but this actually sounds like it could be a good thing. A friend of mine with who I confide in told me she (my friend) thinks that with her inviting me for dinner is almost saying "I like you too".

 

Now I just gotta wait a few more days...

[mightycpa]

However, I do NOT agree with you kissing her. Not only are you in a different place culturally, I think it's just plain too forward.

 

Yeah, but you didn't just call him gay. You'd deserve an uninvited kiss for that move, whether you liked it or not.

[GemmaUK]

Rare, I absolutely love the fact that you are being so respectful of the ways things are done over there.

 

She has given you lots of signs and actions of interest...just relax and see this as your return favour for her being upfront in a way that a woman over there can be.

 

She may have (or had - past tense) lost a little interest but...well...she has arranged something else so has by no means ruled you out and she wants to know what you are going to say.

 

I would go with the 'I like you' in Japanese and then you can follow it up by just being honest and saying that normally you would have leaned in for a kiss but you are aware that it's not necessarily the correct thing to do.

Don't be overly heavy about it and make sure you smile/laugh/grin/roll your eyes at yourself....kinda make a 'fool of yourself' for wanting to get it right.

 

You sooooo have to go for it!

Sunday is your chance.

Like I said though..relax and see it as a repayment of her gestures toward you.

[preraph]

You don't have to SAY "I like you." This isn't a marriage proposal. What you do is show you like her by your actions. So far, your actions tell her you're gay. I suggest you start holding her hand at a bare minimum.

[rarerampage]

@GemmaUK

Thank you! Yeah I don't want to be disrespectful, so I did my homework by asking my oldest friends here how to proceed and how different it is. Last thing I want is to leave her uncomfortable. Leaning in for a kiss is okay if she says she feels the same. I think after that night she had started to lose interest, but my message "I want to tell you something I tried to say the last time" might have sparked it again, since it is pretty obvious what I want to say. No one would send a message like that just for talking about something completely normal. We talked for a while through text as usual, and she showed a lot of interest on my day and what I had been doing.

 

Yeah, I will tell her I like her in Japanese, and then just say anything else I need to say, I'll just be 100% honest. That's what I've always done.

 

Thank you for your encouragement! Sunday is near.

 

@preraph

Did you read the latest posts? That's not how things roll here, that would just probably scare her. There's not much touching when flirting here in Japan. It's only okay after they both say they like each other. Sure, some women are probably okay with it, especially more westernized women, but it's usually the other way around.

[GemmaUK]

Wishing you luck!

 

I hope it goes well!

 

All your research just makes me think 'he's considerate!'

Plus, in a girly way I just think it's sweet too.

 

I love learning about different cultures and customs too.

I've seen and read a fair bit about Japanese men and how many young men are into virtual girlfriends and that there is actually a worry that they will have a population crisis. Maternity units are closing down due to lack of need for them.

Not suggesting that you may have a need for a maternity unit soon ()...but it does and would encourage a woman to 'go for' a man she likes and give him signals of interest if her chances of meeting someone are bleak due to disinterest.

This in no way means you are second choice btw. She liked the look of you from the very beginning (that is a strong feeling in a woman when she acts on it - trust me - I know it is as I have done it too) and she grabbed that (those) opportunities to be at your side whenever she could.

Her actions were a huge compliment to you. This is why you should..............throw any anxiety right out of the window, be yourself and be vulnerable...and make it fun too.

She has already done that with you time and again.

 

It's your turn buddy!!

[rarerampage]

Thank you. She actually asked me if we could out to dinner today instead because she's suddenly free. I said yes, so it will be sooner than expected. I'm nervous but I also feel more confident thanks to things you said and a genuine feeling that she had shown a lot of interest in a lot of different ways. Here goes nothing!

[Snagglepuss89]

What you lack in confidence you make up for in class, I'm glad to see you're respecting Japanese cultural differences in this respect. By the sound of everything, things are going to go well.

 

If they don't- well, you're already at the right forum to vent. Best of luck today!

[GemmaUK]

Thank you. She actually asked me if we could out to dinner today instead because she's suddenly free. I said yes, so it will be sooner than expected. I'm nervous but I also feel more confident thanks to things you said and a genuine feeling that she had shown a lot of interest in a lot of different ways. Here goes nothing!

 

Whoop!

 

Good luck!

 

Let us know how it goes!

[rarerampage]

I... uh... I don't know what the hell just happened. But I don't think it's good...

 

I went with a plan: as soon as she asks me what I wanted to tell her, I will just do it. She didn't though. But I did tell her. We had dinner, I gave her a gift, we had a lot of fun just talking about ourselves and interests, which we share a lot in common. We got out of the restaurant and walked around for a long while, just talking and being touchy (remember when I said Japanese girls usually aren't touchy, according to my Japanese friends? Well, she started it) pushing each other softly while joking and "teasing" (in a fun manner) each other. During one of her teases, she held my arm, and just let her hand there after the teasing for a long while (maybe 2-3 minutes?).

 

After more walking and talking, we stop near her bus stop and she says she is a bit tired and should go (it's very late by the way), and I think "damn it, she's not gonna ask it", so I just turned her to face me and said "Okay, I need to tell you something. I like you." (in japanese) - she stared at me for a few seconds, a little surprised and just said "Thank you. I'm really sleepy now." and that left me SO CONFUSED, I wanted to press on, but she was tired and I didn't want to force the conversation on her - she knows what I just said. So I just ask "Uh... did I say it right?" and she said "Yes. Let's get together again ok?" and she said goodbye and left.

 

WHAT?

 

I was so confused I didn't even know what to say anymore. I usually send her a good night text after meeting her, but I'm not even sure if I should send one? I mean, what am I going to say? I'm not gonna ignore what just happened.

 

Did she just want to not talk about because she was sleepy? I understand, but please tell me "let's talk about this later" or something, I don't know, don't just leave me in the dark. I opened myself and this is what I got. I don't even know what to do. What is there to do? If I don't send a message she will think it's weird because I always do. Is that a good thing or a bad thing?

 

I feel like my brain is just racing now. I don't feel very good.

[GemmaUK]

Her sleepiness at that point over ruled everything.

 

Sometimes I get that sleepy that I just cannot conjure up a conversation.

 

I think maybe she was hoping you had said what you wanted to say earlier.....however..you did say it.

 

Plus she was touching, teasing and even though she was very sleepy she wants to see you again. She said so!

 

Call or text her and arrange to do something, set a time and place and do it asap.

If she is being touchy with you then you can also be touchy to the same degree with her when you see her next.

I think she may be a little more forward on the what is acceptable culturally for her personally.

Next time you meet you can actually talk about it and find out her personal feelings on it.

 

This is all good - she was just tired is all.

[rarerampage]

She actually texted me. She said she was tired but happy that I said that to her, and, well, then there's the age difference and she wasn't sure if it would work out between us because of that, so she just couldn't muster up a response and thus decided to say that.

 

I reminded her of my view on the whole age gap thing, but I think it's more of a problem on her side now. Plus, if we don't try it we never know if it can work out or not. She agreed with me on that, saying that it is true, we can't know if without trying, which made me thought she wanted to go forward with the relationship. And then right afterwards she says she's happy if she can keep going out with me like we've been doing. But that's kind of contradicting is it not?

 

I asked her what exactly bothered her with the age gap, and said that I am really happy with her and want to keep seeing her but reminded her again of how I feel and that I really meant it when I said it last night.

 

Now I'm waiting for the next reply.

 

I'm still not sure how to read the situation. Also, I was as touchy to her as she was to me.

[GemmaUK]

You're the younger one yes?

 

She wants to see how mature you are and whether you are the cultural type of younger man that she is aware of (the not great version)...she isn't 100% convinced yet but she likes you well enough to see how it goes.

 

So, keep going out and see how it goes.