warning signs that someone is a narcissist.

[whirl3daway]

I have, unfortunately, been in 2 relationships in a row with people that are probably NPDs. the relationships were difficult, and the breakups have been horrible as well.

 

I am obviously doing something to attract the same kind of man over and over. I thought my last ex was different, but he was a good actor who hid all of his flaws til later on in the relationship.

 

Are there any glaring red flags about narcs in the beginning, that I have simply missed?

 

A couple things my exes share in common:

 

- No friends.

- Spend majority of their free time playing video games.

- Social anxiety when expected to socialize with larger groups.

- Control issues about what I wore, or who I hung out with.

- Both told me they loved me very quickly.

- Both told me that they weren't attracted to me (several ways/times).

- Both watch way too much porn.

- Both subtly tried to control what I said/thought/did in the beginning.

- Both think they are the best ever in respective ways.

 

Do you have anything to add to this list? What should I look out for in my next relationship?

[Babolat]

I have, unfortunately, been in 2 relationships in a row with people that are probably NPDs. the relationships were difficult, and the breakups have been horrible as well.

 

I am obviously doing something to attract the same kind of man over and over. I thought my last ex was different, but he was a good actor who hid all of his flaws til later on in the relationship.

 

Are there any glaring red flags about narcs in the beginning, that I have simply missed?

 

A couple things my exes share in common:

 

- No friends.

- Spend majority of their free time playing video games.

- Social anxiety when expected to socialize with larger groups.

- Control issues about what I wore, or who I hung out with.

- Both told me they loved me very quickly.

- Both told me that they weren't attracted to me (several ways/times).

- Both watch way too much porn.

- Both subtly tried to control what I said/thought/did in the beginning.

- Both think they are the best ever in respective ways.

 

Do you have anything to add to this list? What should I look out for in my next relationship?

 

First 3 are examples of an Introvert personality type; not an issue for me though not having friends would be a concern.

 

I don't see this as Narcisism, rather Control. You need to establish boundaries, early, and when they cross them, they need to know what will happen. For example, if you do not want your bf to watch porn, he knows that early on, he watches porn, goodbye boyfriend. If he tries to control what you do, say, wear early on, goodbye boyfriend.

 

I struggle with this whole idea of "who I attract". I get it, I understand it, it makes sense, but I'm not so sure it's all "who we attract" versus "who we are attracted to". And then there are those who say we need to change that. I agree, though it's one of those things that is easier said, then done. I watch my best female friend go thru this. She has a history of dating emotionally and physically abusive men, and has said to me "I need to let my good friends pick my next boyfriend". As I listen to her dating history it's the same pattern over and over and over. To her credit she has not dated in over 14 months as she recognized the pattern and took a pause.

 

If I recall correctly there was sexual abuse in your childhood/past. I assume you have worked with a good therapist/counselor on this and are not trying to manage this, on your own?

Edited April 24, 2014 by Babolat

[whirl3daway]

I have been in therapy for about a year, but I had to quit this year as my insurance has gone insane (I've posted about this elsewhere too). It costs me $40 a session, and that's a lot of money. I do have a binder and exercises and such things that I do on my own. I read a lot of books. I think a lot and journal.

 

There a lot more examples of what makes me think they are NPDs. My father is one as well, so I'm familiar with the actions later on, but not how to keep away from them at the beginning.

 

It is true that I am attracted to people like this because of my past. I know why, and I know how it happens. I just don't know how to avoid them.

[Babolat]

I have been in therapy for about a year, but I had to quit this year as my insurance has gone insane (I've posted about this elsewhere too). It costs me $40 a session, and that's a lot of money. I do have a binder and exercises and such things that I do on my own. I read a lot of books. I think a lot and journal.

 

There a lot more examples of what makes me think they are NPDs. My father is one as well, so I'm familiar with the actions later on, but not how to keep away from them at the beginning.

 

It is true that I am attracted to people like this because of my past. I know why, and I know how it happens. I just don't know how to avoid them.

You seemed focused on, attached to their disorder. I personally would focus on you, continue to work on yourself, and maybe take a break from dating. You are doing a lot of good things to work on you, keep it up and, in my opinion, try not to give energy/attention to "them".

[Haydn]

Narcs feed off you. This seems like control. Maybe BPD? Lots of threads here on that.

[ThatMan]

You could spend forever trying to second-guess and categorize everyone you meet into what you believe is a personality disorder. What's practical is for you to focus on your own wants and needs. Complete lack a empathy, apologies being a power play without meaning, erhm... Introversion?... What's important is that you recognize when a need is not being met in a relationship. If you can do that, you'll be well on your way. Sometimes people get lost in the greater picture of a personality disorder to focus on their own individual welfare.

[whirl3daway]

Usually when I get into relationships, I don't try to categorize anyone. The relationships I tend to get in seem to be wrought with issues that are pretty similar. I recognize my own issues in there - I can see what I'm doing to contribute to the problems. One of the problems is that I tend to date this same kind of man over and over, even when I think they are different at first.

 

I know this forum looks down on trying to diagnose people - I'm not trying to do that. The behavior that I'm dealing with from my exes is not normal behavior. This is not a simple "he didn't like me, so he broke up with me and I'm trying to justify why he is bad." This is pervasive.

 

These are issues like me finding men who prefer using porn to having sex, who insult my body in very cruel ways (and I let them get away with it!) in order to feel better about their own insecurities. People who are lost in their lives and find me because I am independent and have my stuff together - but it ends up being something that makes them even more insecure, so they try to cut me down to make themselves feel better. These are men who feed off of me in order to feel better for themselves.

 

There is something that innately broken inside me because these are the kinds of men that I'm attracted to. I desperately need to break this habit, for my own mental well being.

[The Like Fairy]

I have, unfortunately, been in 2 relationships in a row with people that are probably NPDs. the relationships were difficult, and the breakups have been horrible as well.

 

Are there any glaring red flags about narcs in the beginning, that I have simply missed?

 

 

This is a great article that can give you some insight into warning signs and red flags regarding Narcissists:

 

Surviving a Narcissist - The Path Forward | Lisa E. Scott

 

Knowledge is power. Good luck and all the best to you!

[thecrucible]

These are issues like me finding men who prefer using porn to having sex, who insult my body in very cruel ways (and I let them get away with it!) in order to feel better about their own insecurities. People who are lost in their lives and find me because I am independent and have my stuff together - but it ends up being something that makes them even more insecure, so they try to cut me down to make themselves feel better. These are men who feed off of me in order to feel better for themselves.

 

 

 

Hey I experienced a lot of the same. It sucks but now I've realised my pattern. Sometimes I feel attraction for men who aren't like that but it doesn't go anywhere. I'm starting to find normal decent guys so soo attractive 'cause I'm done with all the crap - my heart melts when I meet a decent guy I like who's polite and treats a woman well. But then I don't know what a loving relationship feels like.

 

 

What I've been doing is realising my patterns and boundaries. I don't let a guy control me so much anymore. I read a lot of the blog 'Baggage Reclaim' as well. It took me a time to get over it and know that it was them with the problem and not me.

 

 

I get better and better at spotting the signs. I think it's just trial and error and having a good idea of what you want. Then it's easier to move on when someone isn't fulfilling your needs. It's not about thinking "Do I think this guy's amazing?". It's more about "Is he thinking I'm amazing? Is he going to treat me the way I deserve to be treated?".

[The Like Fairy]

 

What I've been doing is realising my patterns and boundaries.

 

I don't let a guy control me so much anymore.

 

I read a lot of the blog 'Baggage Reclaim' as well.

 

It took me a time to get over it and know that it was them with the problem and not me.

 

 

Good for you!

 

I find the articles at 'Baggage Reclaim' to be amazing, superb and extremely enlightening as well. Everyone should read the articles there, an absolute MUST READ.

 

It does take time, and experiences, to come to the realization that the trouble lies with them, and not with yourself.

 

Learning is a process, it takes time and experiences, many of which are kind of rough! But in the long run, enlightenment is a good thing, even if it is a rough road sometimes.

 

Great post Crucible

[whirl3daway]

Then it's easier to move on when someone isn't fulfilling your needs. It's not about thinking "Do I think this guy's amazing?". It's more about "Is he thinking I'm amazing? Is he going to treat me the way I deserve to be treated?".

 

This is something that I get wrapped up in. Thanks for your words. It's a hard habit to break.

[The Like Fairy]

This is something that I get wrapped up in. Thanks for your words. It's a hard habit to break.

 

I promise you this.

 

If you begin to educate yourself, day by day, soon you will have more control over yourself and not be as likely to get 'wrapped up' in anything that isn't good for you.

 

This requires alot of reading on your part, both here and at other informative websites that I and others here mentioned. Knowledge is power. The power to understand, and make better choices that aren't toxic and hurtful for your life and well being.

 

Knowledge of these personality types (Narcissists, and other personality disorders) will help you break your bad habits and bad choices. It's enlightenment about people in general.

 

It's like letting the horse out of the barn - once you learn something, you can't go back to being ignorant about it. For real. And thank God for that!

[KatZee]

A couple things my exes share in common:

 

- No friends.

Doesn't make someone a narcissist.

 

- Spend majority of their free time playing video games.

Doesn't make someone a narcissist.

 

- Social anxiety when expected to socialize with larger groups.

Doesn't make someone a narcissist.

 

- Control issues about what I wore, or who I hung out with.

Doesn't make someone a narcissist.

 

- Both told me they loved me very quickly.

Doesn't make someone a narcissist.

 

- Both told me that they weren't attracted to me (several ways/times).

Doesn't make someone a narcissist.

 

- Both watch way too much porn.

Doesn't make someone a narcissist.

 

- Both subtly tried to control what I said/thought/did in the beginning.

Doesn't make someone a narcissist.

 

- Both think they are the best ever in respective ways.

Indicative of narcissism.

 

Do you have anything to add to this list? What should I look out for in my next relationship?

 

Signs of narcissism are this:

 

• Expects to be recognized as superior and special, without superior accomplishments
  
• Expects constant attention, admiration and positive reinforcement from others
  
• Envies others and believes others envy him/her
  
• Is preoccupied with thoughts and fantasies of great success, enormous attractiveness, power, intelligence
  
• Lacks the ability to empathize with the feelings or desires of others
  
• Is arrogant in attitudes and behavior
  
• Has expectations of special treatment that are unrealistic
  

You attract these people because you lack boundaries, confidence, and self-esteem. Guys like that, prey on people like you. They can literally sniff people like you out, the same way flies sniff out s.hit. You're an easy target, and you're easily manipulated, molded, and controlled into being what someone else wants you to be. These people will treat you the way you teach them to treat you. You taught him it was OK to treat you like a pile of garbage. You stayed, you took it, you didn't stand up for yourself, you didn't leave. This guy has clear issues and is an abuser, but this doesn't necessarily mean he's a narcissist.

 

I dated a narcissist. He expected everyone to kiss his a.ss and he basked in the glow of anyone who thought he was the greatest person on the planet. If someone failed to see how almighty he was, that person was now nothing to him. He expected ME to kiss his a.ss even after all the things he did to me. Cheating, emotional abuse, etc.

 

He had absolutely zero empathy for me when we dated. His friends made my life miserable, crap talked, made up lies, started drama, talked badly about me right in my face... and do you know what he did when I went to him? He shrugged, one time he even laughed, and the best was when he told me I wasn't "bending over backwards enough for his friends" that they were "allowed to treat me poorly because they had been around longer than I had." He didn't care how upset they made me, he thought I needed to try even HARDER to make them like me. Um, no.

 

He also cheated on me and was emotionally abusive. He wanted me to feel like nothing while he was struggling with his own life. After he cheated and "confessed" he didn't even feel bad. He actually said, "Phew. Now I feel so much better that I'm not holding this in anymore." He had no regard for me, how he had just destroyed me. It was all about him, the "burden" HE was carrying and now he was so free and clear to just move on from it. He expected to confess and never speak of it again, as if it wouldn't bother me. When he saw me upset, crying, angry, he would get angry at ME.

 

He was SO jealous of me and what I had. I had a better paying job than he did, I had a huge savings account, no debt, was bettering my career, could pay for my own car, and was getting my own apartment. Meanwhile, he was miserable at work, had to give up his car, was living at home, had no clue what he was doing with his career, was in thousands of dollars of debt, couldn't even open a credit card in his name. He viewed me as a threat. He did everything in his power to NOT support me. He would belittle me, make me feel like I was nothing, that he was better than me in certain aspects... and he did succeed in brainwashing me for a bit. I truly did believe the things he was saying. The only way to feel better about himself was to take me down.

 

He was so clueless about his career and he would randomly talk about owning professional baseball teams... as if that was going to be a reality.

 

He was basically the most selfish, self-absorbed, egotistical and biggest a-hole I've ever met. Everything always revolved around him, what he wanted, what he needed, what he expected from people. Everyone else was just something to step on to further his agenda. And when those people didn't feed his ego, he eliminated them.

 

My ex was not socially awkward. In fact, he made it a mission to make EVERYONE like him. And I'm sorry, that's a glaring red flag. If a person claims no one dislikes them... something is wrong. They are phony as hell. He would never be honest, or speak truth, he would just say whatever the person he was talking to wanted to hear.

 

He molded himself like a chameleon, had a large social circle (while at the same time telling me that none of these people were close friends of his, they were merely drinking buddies. He didn't feel close to any of them.)

 

Narcissists don't hide from the spotlight, in fact, they love it. They WANT to be the center of attention.

Edited April 24, 2014 by KatZee

[The Like Fairy]

I have been in therapy for about a year, but I had to quit this year as my insurance has gone insane (I've posted about this elsewhere too). It costs me $40 a session, and that's a lot of money. I do have a binder and exercises and such things that I do on my own.

 

I read a lot of books. I think a lot and journal.

 

 

Keep reading all you can regarding relationships, go to many different sites on the internet, soak it all in. There are many pieces to the puzzle, but eventually the big picture will form and you will begin to see the light. Also do things to get socialization as well, volunteering in some way. Actual human interaction is important as well, in order to become more well rounded and have a variety of experiences in life.

[whirl3daway]

Signs of narcissism are this:

 

• Expects to be recognized as superior and special, without superior accomplishments
  
• Expects constant attention, admiration and positive reinforcement from others
  
• Envies others and believes others envy him/her
  
• Is preoccupied with thoughts and fantasies of great success, enormous attractiveness, power, intelligence
  
• Lacks the ability to empathize with the feelings or desires of others
  
• Is arrogant in attitudes and behavior
  
• Has expectations of special treatment that are unrealistic
  

You attract these people because you lack boundaries, confidence, and self-esteem. Guys like that, prey on people like you. They can literally sniff people like you out, the same way flies sniff out s.hit. You're an easy target, and you're easily manipulated, molded, and controlled into being what someone else wants you to be. These people will treat you the way you teach them to treat you. You taught him it was OK to treat you like a pile of garbage. You stayed, you took it, you didn't stand up for yourself, you didn't leave. This guy has clear issues and is an abuser, but this doesn't necessarily mean he's a narcissist.

 

I dated a narcissist. He expected everyone to kiss his a.ss and he basked in the glow of anyone who thought he was the greatest person on the planet. If someone failed to see how almighty he was, that person was now nothing to him. He expected ME to kiss his a.ss even after all the things he did to me. Cheating, emotional abuse, etc.

 

He had absolutely zero empathy for me when we dated. His friends made my life miserable, crap talked, made up lies, started drama, talked badly about me right in my face... and do you know what he did when I went to him? He shrugged, one time he even laughed, and the best was when he told me I wasn't "bending over backwards enough for his friends" that they were "allowed to treat me poorly because they had been around longer than I had." He didn't care how upset they made me, he thought I needed to try even HARDER to make them like me. Um, no.

 

He also cheated on me and was emotionally abusive. He wanted me to feel like nothing while he was struggling with his own life. After he cheated and "confessed" he didn't even feel bad. He actually said, "Phew. Now I feel so much better that I'm not holding this in anymore." He had no regard for me, how he had just destroyed me. It was all about him, the "burden" HE was carrying and now he was so free and clear to just move on from it. He expected to confess and never speak of it again, as if it wouldn't bother me. When he saw me upset, crying, angry, he would get angry at ME.

 

He was SO jealous of me and what I had. I had a better paying job than he did, I had a huge savings account, no debt, was bettering my career, could pay for my own car, and was getting my own apartment. Meanwhile, he was miserable at work, had to give up his car, was living at home, had no clue what he was doing with his career, was in thousands of dollars of debt, couldn't even open a credit card in his name. He viewed me as a threat. He did everything in his power to NOT support me. He would belittle me, make me feel like I was nothing, that he was better than me in certain aspects... and he did succeed in brainwashing me for a bit. I truly did believe the things he was saying. The only way to feel better about himself was to take me down.

 

He was so clueless about his career and he would randomly talk about owning professional baseball teams... as if that was going to be a reality.

 

He was basically the most selfish, self-absorbed, egotistical and biggest a-hole I've ever met. Everything always revolved around him, what he wanted, what he needed, what he expected from people. Everyone else was just something to step on to further his agenda. And when those people didn't feed his ego, he eliminated them.

 

My ex was not socially awkward. In fact, he made it a mission to make EVERYONE like him. And I'm sorry, that's a glaring red flag. If a person claims no one dislikes them... something is wrong. They are phony as hell. He would never be honest, or speak truth, he would just say whatever the person he was talking to wanted to hear.

 

He molded himself like a chameleon, had a large social circle (while at the same time telling me that none of these people were close friends of his, they were merely drinking buddies. He didn't feel close to any of them.)

 

Narcissists don't hide from the spotlight, in fact, they love it. They WANT to be the center of attention.

 

I didn't post all the reasons why I think these things, but both my exes sound JUST like this. thanks for this.

[GoreSP]

Nothing you mentionned are recognized as signs of NPD in the DSM-IV.

 

I can hardly imagine someone with NPD having social anxiety too...

 

Have they been diagnosed or is it your impression that they were?

[whirl3daway]

Nothing you mentionned are recognized as signs of NPD in the DSM-IV.

 

I can hardly imagine someone with NPD having social anxiety too...

 

Have they been diagnosed or is it your impression that they were?

 

- my ex always expected me to give him all my attention. he would turn my phone off if I was looking at it, turn the TV off if I was watching it, etc, if he wanted my attention. he would get upset with me even if I did turn it off myself.

- my ex constantly wanted me to tell him that he was my number 1, regardless of how he treated me. he needed me to tell him how wonderful he is, how much I appreciated it, and how handsome he is constantly.

- when I had an issue, or I would cry because of how he treated me, he would shut down completely. he would stare at me and be unable to provide any empathy.

- he would tell me about how all his exes want him back because he is the best boyfriend ever. he told me how he never has been broken up with and never would be because he's the most wonderful boyfriend anyone has ever had.

- he made fun of his family, my friends, random people on the street for not being more like him. he berates people for what they eat, how they look, the things they say. he made fun of his sister for gaining weight, his mother for getting gastric bypass surgery, etc.

- he told me that he liked to do nice things for me because he wanted me to think he's a good boyfriend, not because he loved me or wanted me to be happy (specific words).

- he was extremely sensitive to rejection of any form. his feelings were hurt by anything I said that was less than complementary.

- he showed me off to people: "this is my gf. she's super intelligent and an atheist. she is super hardworking". not like he was proud of me, but like it was somehow making him seem more important.

- he is very charming and funny, but when you get to know him, the inside is pretty emotionally empty.

- he talked about how my exes should envy him because he is so much better than them.

- he is obsessed with the idea of the "perfect" love. he runs away at the slightest hint of a problem in any relationship and has in every single relationship he's been in.

- he would often tell me things like: "your body doesn't arouse me. I can't get hard looking at you, so I don't love you."

- he thinks anyone that wears cologne is a douchebag, and he's better than them.

- he thinks that anyone who believes in god is an idiot, and that he's better than them.

- he would alternate between loving me and being a cold, emotional robot in a matter of hours.

- he never wanted to go be social with me because it's what I wanted him to do, and he wanted to sit and play video games instead, and blamed it on social anxiety.

- he quit doing his phD and has been floating aimlessly in the job world for the past 3 years, barely working PT, and had been living at home the whole time til we met. he still doesn't know what he wants to do.

- he's quick to anger and emotional abuse, but projects it onto other people saying it's their fault.

- he has incredibly fragile self esteem, and anything that is less than a compliment is grounds for: "f#ck you! I don't love you! you're ugly!"

- when we broke up, he gave me a BOOK about stoic philosophy and said that I need to find inner happiness through it.

- he believes that he is very, very attractive and that people should be lucky to have him (he is quite attractive, but no means the best looking man ever).

- has never had a relationship last more than 1 year at a time.

- when he gets upset about something, or anxious, he becomes an emotionless robot and plays video games for days at a time. then he becomes depressed that he did that, and does it again.

- he doesn't communicate except when he's "fed up".

- he has a hot temper and cannot see anyone else's side of the argument except for himself.

- he would tell me all the ways that I am a terrible and ugly human being.

- he is always out to "win" every argument or situation.

- we would only do what he wanted to do.

- we never went out because he hated going out to eat.

- his family bends over to please him and fawns over him and his own mother is afraid to talk to him about anything because she doesn't want to upset him and get his wrath.

- he has a tendency of: put on pedestal, devalue, discard. in every relationship.

- he chooses women that have lower self esteem (and brags about it).

- I could really go on and on.

[whirl3daway]

he believes in "brutal honesty" regardless of how people feel about it. he doesn't care about how it makes anyone feel.

 

he made me quit drinking, smoking, hanging out with people he felt were too "white-trash" or "beneath my league".

 

he has zero friends. zero.

 

he lied to me about things that he thought would upset me (like having feelings for a coworker). what happened to brutal honesty? doesn't apply here.

 

he would get upset with me if I put the dishes in the dishwasher "not the way he likes it", or used the "tablespoon measure that he uses for coffee" for something else. or buying the wrong cut of bacon.

 

he told me all the ways he preferred his ex physically and emotionally.

 

he could never remember any details from his childhood/etc. (i've read this is a big NPD thing).

 

total lack of career ambition. he was totally lost in his life and had no idea what to do, but still felt that he was the best. even when his boss told him he was first to be fired, he still felt like he was the best employee there.

 

he would always brag about how his bosses want him to take on more responsibility etc.

 

if he only wanted to watch half of a show, we were only watching half the show.

 

it was his way or the highway every argument. my side didn't ever matter.

 

if I said something incorrectly, or pronounced something incorrectly, he would correct me. even if we were fighting. i was trying to comfort him once and said "I'm sorry you're feeling so badly" and he went off on me about how badly isn't a word and how stupid I am for saying it.

[whirl3daway]

good god, I can't believe I just typed all that out.

[Zahara]

I'm not sure why the thread is going on about his issues, when the objective of moving on and healing from this is to focus on your own issues as to why you chose to be in a relationship with a laundry list of red flags.

 

He may be a narcissist or he may have narcissistic tendencies. There's a difference. Whichever category he falls in, it won't change the position you are in now. Regurgitating and reliving him only keeps you stuck on him. The thing to do now is to start internalizing your focus, rather than externalizing.

 

Listing all the things he did doesn't change the situation, doesn't change him, doesn't change you.

 

Start a thread about you. Not about him.

[whirl3daway]

I'm not sure why the thread is going on about his issues, when the objective of moving on and healing from this is to focus on your own issues as to why you chose to be in a relationship with a laundry list of red flags.

 

He may be a narcissist or he may have narcissistic tendencies. There's a difference. Whichever category he falls in, it won't change the position you are in now. Regurgitating and reliving him only keeps you stuck on him. The thing to do now is to start internalizing your focus, rather than externalizing.

 

Listing all the things he did doesn't change the situation, doesn't change him, doesn't change you.

 

Start a thread about you. Not about him.

 

Yeah, I'm not sure how it became this. I wanted it to be about something else, about how to stay away from people like this, but then people didn't believe me. I dunno.

[The Like Fairy]

good god, I can't believe I just typed all that out.

 

You typed it out because YOU NEEDED TO. You will continue to need to vent and express yourself for however long it takes.

 

I was with a Narcissist just like yours (worse) for many, many years. Recovery takes a while (sometimes years). It never really ends, in my opinion. But it does get better.

 

And YES, you will need to talk about the things he did, just as you did in the above posts.

 

You really must go to the Narcissist Recovery forum. It will be a place of healing for you, there are thousands of posters there with stories JUST LIKE YOURS.

 

It's going to help heal you and feel like home. GO!

 

All About Him Forum | Lisa E. Scott

 

(Not saying you can't or shouldn't post here too. Just saying, you will find very specific tools and interactions there, that can help your healing process).

 

Hint: after you talk about what an asshat he is for long enough, you do begin to get it out of your system and are able to move forward and grow. Others here won't understand. You have to live through it to be able to relate. God bless.

Edited April 24, 2014 by The Like Fairy

[Zahara]

Yeah, I'm not sure how it became this. I wanted it to be about something else, about how to stay away from people like this, but then people didn't believe me. I dunno.

 

I don't think people don't believe you and I am sure you were dealing with someone that was emotionally and mentally unhealthy, and we know that.

 

But diagnosing and going into who he is and what he is doesn't change anything for you. Some of these personality disorders have very similar traits and yes while he does sound narcissistic, he may just have narcissistic tendencies and not be a narcissist. We will never know what he truly has, what he truly suffers from. So it's futile to keep going over what and who he is. I understand needing to understand what you were dealing with in order to move forward but it looks like you already know and have a pretty clear interpretation of who he is and that his behaviors were toxic. So maybe your energy and focus would now be best served in putting all that behind and posting threads about your healing and journey.

 

Sometimes it's easier to focus on the flaws of the other person because that allows avoidance and delays introspection into your own self.

[tlegend]

good god, I can't believe I just typed all that out.

 

It's a list of pet peeves, not a diagnosis.

 

Everyone has their own problems they face everday.

 

Please realize that even though he may show signs of NPD, that doesn't mean he is one just because you think so. Let the people who went to school and studied for their license while spending tons of man hours diagnose this guy. So many people beeline to "Oh my SO has BPD, or NPD" and they fail to see the real issue: Incompatibility.

 

Does he have some issues? From your perspective, yes it certainly seems so. But labeling him as having NPD is just a copout. Address the real issue here: Why are you attracted to men who have little to no respect for you and your feelings?

 

Please note, I'm not attacking you in this post. I simply want you to realize that by using "he's NPD" as an excuse, you are avoiding disassembling this failed relationship and figuring out why it REALLY didn't work. If you find the answer to this question, your next relationship will actually make you happy.

 

My 2 cents.

 

EDIT: Someone should really have this as their signature. Well said Zahara, well said:

"Sometimes it's easier to focus on the flaws of the other person because that allows avoidance and delays introspection into your own self."

[whirl3daway]

I don't think people don't believe you and I am sure you were dealing with someone that was emotionally and mentally unhealthy, and we know that.

 

But diagnosing and going into who he is and what he is doesn't change anything for you. Some of these personality disorders have very similar traits and yes while he does sound narcissistic, he may just have narcissistic tendencies and not be a narcissist. We will never know what he truly has, what he truly suffers from. So it's futile to keep going over what and who he is. I understand needing to understand what you were dealing with in order to move forward but it looks like you already know and have a pretty clear interpretation of who he is and that his behaviors were toxic. So maybe your energy and focus would now be best served in putting all that behind and posting threads about your healing and journey.

 

Sometimes it's easier to focus on the flaws of the other person because that allows avoidance and delays introspection into your own self.

 

 

I agree with you. I'm just really struggling to understand my own feelings about what happened. I don't understand why he did these things to me, or why he treated me like this and blamed me for everything. It's left me feeling so unlovable and undeserving of anyone. It's left me feeling like I'll never be able to find someone who I clicked with, regardless of how he treated me. He promised me so many times that he would never do this to me, like he's done to other people, that I was the one, and it just ended up like this. I was just another notch on his list. It hurts me so much.