Fiance in Emotionally Incestuous Relationship W/Parents???

[Angelic0000]

Hey all,

 

I've been in a relationship with my fiance for three years, four months. We're both thirty, and expecting a child.

 

The problem is, he is a SERIOUSLY dependent mama/daddy's boy, always has been. He calls his parents every day, *sometimes* as often as seven or more times. Typically, it's at least 1-3 times, but often more, depending on what's going on in his life.

 

When we met, he was 27, collecting unemployment, living with his parents, and had only *not* lived with them for a total of (less than) 2 years. Every job he'd ever had, he worked alongside his dad. His dad calls him obsessively, sadly to the neglect of my fiance's other two sibs (which had been a family problem in the past). His dad will call to ask him the slightest questions (Did you get the A/C working? Did you pay your car insurance? Is your throat still sore?) To this day, whenever my fiance needs anything, his dad will drop whatever he's doing, even leave work, to come to over and help.

 

My fiance is a very talented musician, which is why, I suspect, his dad is so obsessed with him. When we met, my fiance complained that his dad called him all the time, embarrassed him by going to every one of his shows, and almost stalked him, even going so far as to say "It's like my dad is my girlfriend." Now, my fiance defends their relationship and calls his dad for EVERYTHING: every single car trouble, emotional issue, maintenance problem, EVERYTHING.

 

My guy, at 29, once called his mom at five a.m. to ask her whether he should call in for work. Before, he'd even call them in the middle of arguments to "tattle" on me. He doesn't do that now, but I suspect he's still telling them everything, just being more careful about it. His inappropriate oversharing has been an issue since the beginning, when he'd tell his parents EVERYTHING that was going on in our relationship (if his parents knew, so did his sister, her friends, their extended fam, etc).

 

He also undermines my opinions, believing instead to embrace everything they believe and suggest, no matter how ridiculous or extreme the position. I feel like I'm dating a teenager. I also feel, hey: How can I rely on this man to take care of a family, when he can't even seem to take care of himself?

 

I find this relationship very odd. Now that we're having a kid, I can only fear he'll be driven into their arms even further, with all the stress and newness of it. I feel like I'm in a relationship with three people, that there's no privacy or discretion here, that my opinion doesn't count, and that he's already married to his parents.

 

Is this kind of relationship normal? Should I deal with this, or move on? He's told me that his parents "Are his friends," that's the way he likes things, and that I need to "deal with it." I realize at this point that he is who he is, so it's accept it or move on.

 

What would you do?

[ktya]

When we met, he was 27, collecting unemployment, living with his parents, and had only *not* lived with them for a total of (less than) 2 years.

 

While the title of your thread is quite salicious (incestous?!) he is just a dead beat loser dependent on his parents. You for some reason expected this to change after you met him, but of course it wont.

 

If you want an independent man who will look after himself, you probably want to hit up Plenty of Fish or Tinder starting this morning.

 

This guy is not going to change until his parents die or go broke (which he will certainly help them do).

[mammasita]

So, those weren't MAJOR red flags 3 years ago?

 

What would I do is I would have been completely turned off 2 years and 11 months ago and not been in the position you're in. Unfortunately, I know that doesn't help you any.

 

I'm not sure there's anything you can do at this point. He's a grown child, completely coddled into this pseudo-adult by both of his parents. I can't imagine how lost he will be when one or both of them (God forbid) passes.

[KathyM]

It's too bad you decided to stay in a relationship with a dependent guy like this, and even have a child with him. It's not going to get better. My older sister married a man who was too enmeshed with his parents. He brought his mother with when they went shopping for an engagement ring together. He ran (with their child) to his parents' house whenever they argued. His parents were the decision makers in his marriage. He treated my sister like crap after they married. My sister ignored the red flags with this guy, and there were red flags before their marriage, but married him anyway on the rebound after she broke it off with her fiancé. Needless to say, that marriage was a disaster, his parents were way too involved in their marriage, and their marriage ended in divorce after a few years. It's unfortunate that you are bringing a child into this mess. It's not likely to get better.

[StanMusial]

 

If you want an independent man who will look after himself, you probably want to hit up Plenty of Fish or Tinder starting this morning.

 

LOL good advice

[Angelic0000]

Oh God, I was afraid you guys would say that. I know, I admit--I'm pretty much another female cliche when it comes to hoping her man "will change," especially a man so deeply enmeshed in his family dynamics.

 

Funny you mention that you would've run right away, Mammasita, because I'm pretty much the only woman this man has ever had a real relationship with. He's had *countless* one-nighters and flings, but all women have run screaming from him until me.

 

Gee, wonder why? Now I'm stuck, and I have no one to blame but myself.

[Chocolat]

Now I'm stuck, and I have no one to blame but myself.

 

You're only stuck if you want to be stuck.

 

You're not married, and you haven't had the baby yet. Take action now.

[Eivuwan]

I don't know what to say. These were issues from when you started dating and you have accepted it back then.

 

Edit: Are you pregnant right now? If not, I say cut your losts.

[Emilia]

 

What would you do?

I would have been more selective whom I was going to have a child with. Did you think this would miraculously change???

 

I honestly don't think there is much you can do but tolerate this. He is a grown man, not likely to change.

 

Decision making at its finest

[Angelic0000]

Oh yes, I'm very pregnant. I was stupid to get myself in this situation. Still, I have hope I can somehow create a healthy environment/existence for my child, despite he and his bizarre family dynamics.

[Angelic0000]

How much should I fear their influence as grandparents? Hopefully not enough to create another dependent human being like my fiance?

[Poppygoodwill]

They may gobble up the grandchild in this strange web of interdependency and leave you on the outside. Or you may find you hae more bargaining power because of the child. it could go either way.

[Chocolat]

Pregnancy alone is not a reason to stay with him.

 

From what you write, it seems extremely likely that the baby will have 3 parents: You, His Mom, and His Dad. Your bf doesn't sound as though he'll be part of the parenting equation.

 

So, either this is the dynamic you want or you should discuss your options with a good family lawyer. I would definitely do this before the baby arrives.

[Chocolat]

They may gobble up the grandchild in this strange web of interdependency and leave you on the outside. Or you may find you hae more bargaining power because of the child. it could go either way.

 

My guess is that the former is far more likely than the latter, particular given OP's willingness to go with the flow.

[HappyLove]

Well, you ignored a plethora of red flags. Where is your responsibility in all this OP? It's been fine for three years but now that your pregnant it's time to leave? He was good enough to say yes to when he asked your hand in marriage. Even your title calling him incestuous with parents makes me question your motives. I'd love to hear his side of things.

[KathyM]

You're going to have to learn to set boundaries with his parents, and learn fast. Regardless of what you decide to do with the fiancé, his parents will have legal rights to see the child. Learn to set boundaries with them, and if you stay with your fiancé, teach him how to set boundaries with them as well, and consider marriage counseling. If you decide to stay with him, you are going to need it.

[Angelic0000]

I didn't say 'incestuous,' I said 'Emotionally incestuous.' Read:

 

Emotional Incest, Part 1: Definitions

[FitChick]

You chose to get pregnant before marriage so now you are stuck as a pseudo-member of this family whether you like it or not.

[HappyLove]

I didn't say 'incestuous,' I said 'Emotionally incestuous.' Read:

 

Emotional Incest, Part 1: Definitions

 

Ok, but just because he confides in his family and talks to them all day doesn't mean that he is "emotionally incestuous". Sounds like he's their favorite child. He probably got A LOT of attention because of his talent. I mean emotionally incestuous would mean he is their spouse in a way. I think you are just being mean. All of a sudden after 3 years and an engagement this is a problem? I mean who would date someone that long, get engaged to them, and have a baby by them if this were true?

 

Why did you stay?

[Gaeta]

IF you cannot fight them than join them.

 

The grand-parents will be more than happy to babysit as often as you wish and shed all their attention on this new grand-child when you need sleep. You wanna go away a week? grand-parents are there! You go back to work? grand-parents are there! and you don't have to worry about those daycare horror stories.

[Ruby Slippers]

It's not going to get better.

I have to agree with everything KathyM said. I fell in love with a guy who was very enmeshed with his family, and they tried to interfere in every little decision we made and thing we did.

 

If we took a romantic weekend trip, they asked why we didn't invite them along. When they came to our house, they would prowl around and dig through our drawers as if they lived there. It was super creepy and intrusive. They offered to buy us a new car as a way of buying more time with us and control over what we did - which I declined. The longer I was with him, the worse it got, till I couldn't live with it anymore and left.

 

I agree that you're going to need some very strong boundaries and a good counselor to get through this.

[Chocolat]

I didn't say 'incestuous,' I said 'Emotionally incestuous.' Read:

 

Emotional Incest, Part 1: Definitions

 

The site defines emotional incest as when a child functions as a sort of spouse to one of the parents.

 

Emotional incest takes place when the (emotional, not sexual) relationship between a parent and a child becomes like that between two spouses, except that given the immaturity of the child the relationship is one-sided and the parent feeds off the child emotionally while the child ends up feeling responsible for the well-being of the parent.

 

That's not the dynamic you've described. Your OP relates a guy who is perpetually a child, unable to work or even make minor life decisions independently.

 

There are only two choices at this point:

1) You stay put and continue on as you've been for the last 3 years (with likely escalation once a child is on the scene)

2) You leave

 

The odds of him magically deciding to change into some other person are non-existent.

[d0nnivain]

Oh yes, I'm very pregnant. I was stupid to get myself in this situation. Still, I have hope I can somehow create a healthy environment/existence for my child, despite he and his bizarre family dynamics.

 

 

 

You can. Raise the child without him. I'm not saying keep him away from his child but maintain distance & your independence. Hopefully your child will still experience love from you both but come to realize (without you saying it) that you are the more stable parent while he is akin to peter pan.

[Angelic0000]

I know how badly I messed up by continuing this relationship and having a child with this man in spite of all the red flags. What I want to do now is to fix the situation as much as I can for the sake of my child, in order to raise the baby in the safest, most healthy environment possible.

 

I agree with several of you, boundaries do need to be set with the grandparents. My fiance is no man, thus I need to get rid of him while making a place for him in our child's life (which he doesn't seem particularly interested in).

[MissBee]

I think asking if this kind of relationship is normal is a bit absurd....of course it's not normal! I think you already know this but you're having his child and are planning to marry him so seem to be finding some justification for it now.

 

To be truthful: I wouldn't have agreed to marry or have a child with someone who exhibited this behavior. It also seems from your post that you're pretty smart, that this has been a problem since day one, and you realistically understand the consequences of this kind of behavior and know it may not be a good look when you're raising a family, yet you agreed to marry him and have been with him for some years...why?

 

I was worried about my current bf because his relationship with his mom is more than what I'm used to and as a divorced mother, she treats him in some ways like a partner and it's very odd. It isn't both his parents though and not at all to the extent you're describing. With my bf the saving grace is that he does put his foot down and he realizes she behaves absurdly sometimes and he actually tells her no and tries to set some boundaries with her. That was the main reason I decided to continue the relationship, because he is aware that it's a bit much and he actually asserts himself. He obliges her sometimes but at other times is very clear about saying no to her and being an adult and not her pseudo-man/baby.

 

He's 27 and he's purchasing a house in July so is staying with his mom as he's saving up for the down payment and I figure that also ties into the dynamic or her relying on him a lot more because he's under her roof now, but him no longer living with her will also help the boundaries. But had he been the one encouraging it too and calling her for everything, tattling on me, telling everything about our relationship and so on...I would have been DONE! It seems here that your boyfriend is fully in cahoots with this and sees nothing wrong with it though and I doubt this will change.

 

I'm curious about why you continued the relationship or waited to address it until now when it's in effect too late, as you're having his child so will be stuck with him and this behavior, even if you're no longer a couple.

 

At this point it is tough to change things...have you ever addressed your concerns with him? Maybe couple's counseling can help? But this is an entire bizarre family dynamic that the whole family has to change, which is different from just you two having issues. It doesn't sound like your bf sees the need for change though and if he doesn't that's the biggest hurdle to him deciding to change.

Edited April 22, 2014 by MissBee