Jessie32 Posted July 2, 2012 Share Posted July 2, 2012 (edited) My boyfriend and I have been together for almost 2.5 years and we have been living together for 1 year. We have a good relationship and have been through alot together. My boyfriend is the best man in a wedding in France in September and we than planned to travel to Paris for a few days after the wedding. He bought our plane tickets a few weeks ago. I went and got a passport and bought the couple a beautiful wedding gift. I have also been doing alot of research of international travel since I have not done it before. All of our friends and family also know of the trip. Then last night my bf came to me with a place to possibly lodge when we get to France. We had a plan to stay in a particular area so we could be close to the city center, but the bride wants us to stay close to the church which is in the middle of nowhere. You could say she is being a bit of a "bridezilla" which I guess is understandable. But when my bf showed me the place she sent us it looked a bit shady and not very clean, he even said this. So I told him I think we should look for a place to stay on our own, and I think he feels pressured to go where they want us to go, so I said "well maybe they are being a little bossy". My bf than flipped out, said I was being "high maintenance" and I should not talk badly about his friends. Now I realize I should have kept that to myself but he acts like I said I hated them or something. I didn't say anything even close to that. He wanted my opinion on the lodging and I gave it to him. I told him if he didn't care what I thought then why was he asking me. This then turned into an argument and proceeded to tell me I was not a good traveler and pretty much a bad girlfriend. Mind you I planned and hosted a large group of his friends at our apartment the night before and really worked hard to make alot of food and cleaned mostly doing everything by myself to host the event. But I'm not a good gf? So the argument turned into something else completely and than he threw the trip in my face and said "maybe I just won't bring you to France" and I just had enough, because that is not the first time he has used that to try to control an argument. My bf is successful and makes 4 times more money than I do and I feel he is using that to throw in my face by making that comment, because he did purchase the tickets. So when he said that, I told him I was tired of it and I walked away. He than went to the bedroom came back and said he canceled the flights and that there is a $500.00 fee for rebooking but he would just rebook on his own and he doesn't want me to come. I didn't believe he would do something so cruel and thought he was just being a baby in that moment. We both went to bed angry and he slept on the couch by his own choice. Than this morning I asked him if he really did that and I asked to "see" the cancellation but he wouldn't show me. He than left for work. I texted him that I thought it was a really cruel thing to do. He than called me at his lunch time and said that he tried to call the company which I think was expedia but they said it was too late and they couldn't undo it. He says he doesn't think he wants to bring me anyway. I don't know if I believe him or not...I think he may just be bluffing, but I could be wrong. But if he really cancelled it and doesn't plan to bring me with him I don't think I will be able to move forward in this relationship. I can't be with someone that would be so vindictive and spiteful. He will be home after work and I don't know how to proceed when he gets home. I have today off and this is consuming me. I don't know what to do ..advice? Edited July 2, 2012 by Jessie32 spelling Link to post Share on other sites
serial muse Posted July 2, 2012 Share Posted July 2, 2012 Hi Jessie. Um, let me ask you this - is this unusual behavior for your BF? Because that is indeed a really extreme reaction on his part, and it does seem very spiteful. You said you guys have been through a lot together - not sure what that means, but is there a lot of emotional upheaval in your relationship in general? Is this out of character for him, or part of a pattern? 4 Link to post Share on other sites
FitChick Posted July 2, 2012 Share Posted July 2, 2012 If he goes on his own, you should have a little surprise waiting for him when he gets back: you've moved out. 6 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Jessie32 Posted July 2, 2012 Author Share Posted July 2, 2012 Hi Jessie. Um, let me ask you this - is this unusual behavior for your BF? Because that is indeed a really extreme reaction on his part, and it does seem very spiteful. You said you guys have been through a lot together - not sure what that means, but is there a lot of emotional upheaval in your relationship in general? Is this out of character for him, or part of a pattern? No there isn't alot of upheaval. We have been through alot like most other couples. Except that we both come from different cultures and we are both different races. I'm American he isn't. If he really chooses not to bring me I feel that I need to end this..and I really don't want to. It just seems very manipulative and cruel - what he says he did. He has used a this trip in the past as a way to control an argument, and it really aggravated me. Link to post Share on other sites
LittlePrince Posted July 2, 2012 Share Posted July 2, 2012 Well some helpful advice would be appreciated rather than sarcasm. I don't think you really want to hear what you know and that you should break up with him. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Jessie32 Posted July 2, 2012 Author Share Posted July 2, 2012 I don't think you really want to hear what you know and that you should break up with him. I don't want to do that. Like I said I don't know for a fact if he did that. He wouldn't show me the cancellation. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Jessie32 Posted July 2, 2012 Author Share Posted July 2, 2012 If he goes on his own, you should have a little surprise waiting for him when he gets back: you've moved out. Its three months away. I don't think I can wait that long and I don't have the finances to leave anytime soon. Thats jumping the gun a bit anyway. Link to post Share on other sites
serial muse Posted July 2, 2012 Share Posted July 2, 2012 No there isn't alot of upheaval. We have been through alot like most other couples. Except that we both come from different cultures and we are both different races. I'm American he isn't. If he really chooses not to bring me I feel that I need to end this..and I really don't want to. It just seems very manipulative and cruel - what he says he did. He has used a this trip in the past as a way to control an argument, and it really aggravated me. Yeah, that is extremely manipulative and extremely childish, and it's a bad sign that he's held this over your head before. I guess what I was getting as is if this is a one-time thing, then it seems to be worth a discussion. You guys have been together for a while, though, and it seems odd that someone would go thermonuclear out of the blue. If he's not generally prone to manipulation of this nature, then I guess the question is why this was the thing that set him off. Sounds like he was feeling caught in the middle, as far as pleasing everyone, and this is how he reacted. Doesn't make it OK to use you as the punching bag, though, and if this is how he deals with emotionally stressful situations, then that's a major red flag. And the fact that the following day, when he should have had time to reflect and calm down, he's still telling you he doesn't want you to come is more than a red flag...I don't think this is a situation you should stay in. I don't have enough of a picture of your relationship to be able to understand whether you guys normally can deal with these kinds of conflicts. Link to post Share on other sites
LittlePrince Posted July 2, 2012 Share Posted July 2, 2012 I don't want to do that. Like I said I don't know for a fact if he did that. He wouldn't show me the cancellation. Doesn't matter. He's jerking you around. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Jessie32 Posted July 2, 2012 Author Share Posted July 2, 2012 Yeah, that is extremely manipulative and extremely childish, and it's a bad sign that he's held this over your head before. I guess what I was getting as is if this is a one-time thing, then it seems to be worth a discussion. You guys have been together for a while, though, and it seems odd that someone would go thermonuclear out of the blue. If he's not generally prone to manipulation of this nature, then I guess the question is why this was the thing that set him off. Sounds like he was feeling caught in the middle, as far as pleasing everyone, and this is how he reacted. Doesn't make it OK to use you as the punching bag, though, and if this is how he deals with emotionally stressful situations, then that's a major red flag. And the fact that the following day, when he should have had time to reflect and calm down, he's still telling you he doesn't want you to come is more than a red flag...I don't think this is a situation you should stay in. I don't have enough of a picture of your relationship to be able to understand whether you guys normally can deal with these kinds of conflicts. But it sounds, from what you've said, like he has no interest in trying, and no tools with which to do so. What really makes me even more angry is that he says he canceled my flight but he actually expects me to stay with him after doing something so awful? He knows I can't afford to move out and staying with someone else isn't an option. Should I tell him if he doesn't bring me than we are over? I don't want to be manipulative too. He has wonderful qualities and has treated me better than any other man I have ever been with. But he acted like these friends of his are the King and Queen of England ..cmon. I didn't kill anyone I just said they were being bossy. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Jessie32 Posted July 2, 2012 Author Share Posted July 2, 2012 Doesn't matter. He's jerking you around. Yeah I know that, and I want to respond to the situation calmly when he returns home later. I'm really angry and that isn't going to be easy. Link to post Share on other sites
Quiet Storm Posted July 2, 2012 Share Posted July 2, 2012 So if he is bluffing about the ticket cancellation, what are you going to do? Please don't be so relieved that you overlook a huge clue about the character of this man. He lied to control and punish you, and is an immature, manipulative game player. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
kaylan Posted July 2, 2012 Share Posted July 2, 2012 And this is another reason why I think those in couples (namely women) should seek to make something on par with their partners. And this is also why I think its great when women go out there and "made that paper". Youll never have to worry about a douche boyfriend holding his salary over your head or throwing gifts back in your face. Screw that noise OP. I just wouldnt go with him if hes going to be a jerk. I def wouldnt take someones "gift" after they threw it in my face. Im happy with having less. 6 Link to post Share on other sites
nessaaa Posted July 2, 2012 Share Posted July 2, 2012 You were being selfish. It's his BEST FRIENDS big day, that's orginally why you guys are going to France in the first place... so he could be there for his friend on one of the most important days of his life. so you didn't like the place the bride wanted you to stay at because it wasn't convient for you? you know nothing about friendship and totally selfish, I don't blame your boyfriend for wanting to go by himself. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Jessie32 Posted July 2, 2012 Author Share Posted July 2, 2012 You were being selfish. It's his BEST FRIENDS big day, that's orginally why you guys are going to France in the first place... so he could be there for his friend on one of the most important days of his life. so you didn't like the place the bride wanted you to stay at because it wasn't convient for you? you know nothing about friendship and totally selfish, I don't blame your boyfriend for wanting to go by himself.[/quote It didn't go like that at all. He didn't even like the place she sent. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Jessie32 Posted July 2, 2012 Author Share Posted July 2, 2012 So if he is bluffing about the ticket cancellation, what are you going to do? Please don't be so relieved that you overlook a huge clue about the character of this man. He lied to control and punish you, and is an immature, manipulative game player. If he is bluffing? I'm not sure. I'm not innocent in some of this I know, I just feel like its an extreme overreaction. I think I would still be upset but would try to talk through it to make sure it doesn't happen again. Link to post Share on other sites
january2011 Posted July 2, 2012 Share Posted July 2, 2012 He knows I can't afford to move out and staying with someone else isn't an option. Should I tell him if he doesn't bring me than we are over? I don't want to be manipulative too. What are you going to do, when he nips this in the bud first and tells you that it's over and he wants you to move out? Options, you need to think of them right now rather than letting your boyfriend decide where you live or don't live. Link to post Share on other sites
nessaaa Posted July 2, 2012 Share Posted July 2, 2012 What really makes me even more angry is that he says he canceled my flight but he actually expects me to stay with him after doing something so awful? He knows I can't afford to move out and staying with someone else isn't an option. Should I tell him if he doesn't bring me than we are over? I don't want to be manipulative too. He has wonderful qualities and has treated me better than any other man I have ever been with. But he acted like these friends of his are the King and Queen of England ..cmon. I didn't kill anyone I just said they were being bossy.[/quote you are so dumb. break up with him you'll be doing him a favour. Link to post Share on other sites
kaylan Posted July 2, 2012 Share Posted July 2, 2012 Let me add: Id dump him if he went on the trip alone. The way you described all this, as well as you busting you but to host for him and his friends, it sure sounds like he wnats a girlfriend whos beneath him and "knows her place". I wouldnt have my gf cook and clean all by herself when hosting in OUR apartment....shed get tons of help. And I wouldnt shove my salary or gifts in her face. He definitely sounds like he thinks he has the upper hand because of the money he has and the place he thinks you have. Dont be the typical female throwback. He needs to respect you, help out around the house, and make you feel apreciated. And since he makes more than you, he needs to know you dont act like a douche bag after you do something nice with your money. You dont throw your spending in someones face after you chose to do something nice for them, be it rent, gifts, or otherwise. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Jessie32 Posted July 2, 2012 Author Share Posted July 2, 2012 What are you going to do, when he nips this in the bud first and tells you that it's over and he wants you to move out? Options, you need to think of them right now rather than letting your boyfriend decide where you live or don't live. I'm pretty sure he won't do that. What I'm asking is - should I tell him we are over if he chooses not to bring me on this trip? Link to post Share on other sites
LittlePrince Posted July 2, 2012 Share Posted July 2, 2012 Don't have to worry about a bumpy ride. You are being prepped for the turbulence. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Jessie32 Posted July 2, 2012 Author Share Posted July 2, 2012 Let me add: Id dump him if he went on the trip alone. The way you described all this, as well as you busting you but to host for him and his friends, it sure sounds like he wnats a girlfriend whos beneath him and "knows her place". I wouldnt have my gf cook and clean all by herself when hosting in OUR apartment....shed get tons of help. And I wouldnt shove my salary or gifts in her face. He definitely sounds like he thinks he has the upper hand because of the money he has and the place he thinks you have. Dont be the typical female throwback. He needs to respect you, help out around the house, and make you feel apreciated. And since he makes more than you, he needs to know you dont act like a douche bag after you do something nice with your money. You dont throw your spending in someones face after you chose to do something nice for them, be it rent, gifts, or otherwise. He did help with the cooking on the night his friends came by but I did the running around, planning, coordinating. And I did it for him, not for me. I wanted him to know that his friends are important to me because they are to him. He has been good with my family and I wanted to show him I appreciated it. He doesn't have family here. Link to post Share on other sites
Star Gazer Posted July 2, 2012 Share Posted July 2, 2012 I don't want to do that. Like I said I don't know for a fact if he did that. He wouldn't show me the cancellation. Does it even matter if he actually went through with the cancellation? As you said, he's used another trip in the past to control an argument, and the way he behaved was cruel and vindictive - regardless of whether or not he actually cancelled your flight. As an aside, he wouldn't have to pay a rebooking fee to rebook his own ticket. He wouldn't even have to rebook his own ticket, just cancel yours. So, I think he's lying. I think he's making up a $500 rebooking fee (outrageous, by the way) to make you feel even worse, that he'd have to pay more just to go by himself. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Star Gazer Posted July 2, 2012 Share Posted July 2, 2012 I'm pretty sure he won't do that. What I'm asking is - should I tell him we are over if he chooses not to bring me on this trip? That's an ultimatum, and you'd never know the real reason why he brought you on the trip - because he doesn't want to lose you, or because he wants you there. But he should WANT you there. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Jessie32 Posted July 2, 2012 Author Share Posted July 2, 2012 Don't have to worry about a bumpy ride. You are being prepped for the turbulence. Well I can say I'm pretty sure he isn't going to be the one to end things. And I don't want to end things because of this. I want to do it right and not be manipulative Link to post Share on other sites
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