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Boyfriend wants to move out but stay together?!


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Old 10th June 2012, 1:27 AM   #1
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Unhappy Boyfriend wants to move out but stay together?!

My bf and I have been together for about 2 years and living together for about 6 months. Before he moved in I had lived by myself for 8 years so its been a bit of a learning experience for me and Ive made some mistakes (such as staying out with girlfriends until the wee hours and not letting him know where I was and taking my stress out on him as Ive just started a high pressure new job). Anyway, we have worked through these things and I am getting better at taking his feelings into account. The past few weeks, I thought, were like a dream.

But not for him. Last week he shocked me by telling me he wanted to move out but stay together. My gut reaction was to become hysterical but I kept calm and we talked it through. He used the old line 'its not you, its me'. He said he's been feeling emasculated because I earn considerably more than him and he cant keep up with me. This has been a continuing issue in our r'ship but one I thought had almost disappeared as we have both learnt to compromise. He certainly hasnt mentioned it for months now. He says if he moves out he can create a life for himself, save more and then become a more confident, autonomous person and therefore a better boyfriend. I said I totally understood this, however inside I was screaming 'WTF?" He pays me minimal rent (he lives in a house I own) and I do the majority of the household chores. If he moved out he'd essentially be going backwards, monetarily at least.

I think he's just using that as an excuse and that he is falling out of love with me (even though he denies this). I am desperately in love with this man and believe he is the love of my life. What should i do??? I am trying to love him as much as I can and continue to be affectionate and fun, hoping that this is just a phase hes going through. However on the inside i just want to put up my walls and leave him before he leaves me. I just cant keep living in limbo like this, I feel like a walking time bomb.

Is there anything I can do to make him change his mind? If he moves out, can the relationship survive?? Please help me!
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Old 10th June 2012, 2:01 AM   #2
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Just leave him, let him do what he wants because at the end of the day, he will do that anyway.
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Old 10th June 2012, 2:30 AM   #3
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Just leave him, let him do what he wants because at the end of the day, he will do that anyway.
I tend to agree, though I think you should let him move out and see if his enthusiasm for you changes in anyway, and give it a shot for a little bit. Trouble is you wont know if he is dating others. I certainly think the relationship can survive, but there are elements here that dont bode well.
A. How is the income disparity issue going to be resolved by him (it might be BS, and the truth is you are hard to live with your highness or he has fallen out of love with you..though I thought you might sense this in his passion).
B. How long does he actually consider he needs to live on his own for. The reasons given...save money, become more confident & autonomous, do come of as bit BS. Why couldn't he achieve this in the first 18 mths.
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Old 10th June 2012, 4:52 AM   #4
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You should leave him before he leaves you since there isn't a point to being in a relationship if you can't win.
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Old 10th June 2012, 4:56 AM   #5
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I would leave.

There is no point, he seems to be keeping you as a back up option until something better comes along.
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Old 10th June 2012, 5:07 AM   #6
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The moment he steps out that door, is when it will all spiral towards its natural end.
You have a kept man on your hands, and you come across as needy.
sorry, but you do.
you earn more money, he pays minimal rent, and you do most of the chores?
It might feel to him like he owes you....
Clearly, he's not comfortable with that, and to be honest, I wouldn't be either.

Let him go, find someone on equal footing who stays with you because he loves you, not because you're a cushy little number.
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Old 10th June 2012, 5:14 AM   #7
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The moment he steps out that door, is when it will all spiral towards its natural end.
You have a kept man on your hands, and you come across as needy.
sorry, but you do.
you earn more money, he pays minimal rent, and you do most of the chores?
It might feel to him like he owes you....
Clearly, he's not comfortable with that, and to be honest, I wouldn't be either.

Let him go, find someone on equal footing who stays with you because he loves you, not because you're a cushy little number.
If it is going to naturally end then she could just ride it out. It shouldn't take long according to you. There wouldn't be much point in leaving him abruptly when she's invested years so far and you act as if it will fall apart in days or a month at most. She could easily wait that out.
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Old 10th June 2012, 5:18 AM   #8
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Why should she be riding it out and wasting more time?

This loser should be dumped ASAP.
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Old 10th June 2012, 5:20 AM   #9
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Why should she be riding it out and wasting more time?

This loser should be dumped ASAP.
If you feel all the time she has been with him is a waste then compared to the 2 years wasted under a month is nothing. She should be able to do that standing on her head.
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Old 10th June 2012, 6:52 AM   #10
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Why should she be riding it out and wasting more time?

This loser should be dumped ASAP.
Why is he a loser ? because he doesnt own a house ? cause he earns less then her .

Are you still single ? thats your problem , and i can tell you that you are going to be single for a long time , even if you have lots of choices , doesnt matter if you are looking for something that doesnt exist ... keep looking and good luck .

Op , do you love him ? give him time , let him feel like a man , do what you have to do with your life and if you see that he isnt interested , just end the relationship and move on .
2 years is a long time , give him one month and see how everything goes .
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Old 10th June 2012, 6:56 AM   #11
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Judging by the opening post, the relationship has been quite one-sided. Her boyfriend was not at ease with that, nor was he willing to make more of an effort (eg. with the household chores).

OP can try whatever she likes, but she cannot fix her boyfriend's unhappiness with himself. I'd say breaking up with him would be the best thing for him.
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Old 10th June 2012, 7:00 AM   #12
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Originally Posted by Highness View Post
My bf and I have been together for about 2 years and living together for about 6 months. Before he moved in I had lived by myself for 8 years so its been a bit of a learning experience for me and Ive made some mistakes (such as staying out with girlfriends until the wee hours and not letting him know where I was and taking my stress out on him as Ive just started a high pressure new job). Anyway, we have worked through these things and I am getting better at taking his feelings into account. The past few weeks, I thought, were like a dream.

But not for him. Last week he shocked me by telling me he wanted to move out but stay together. My gut reaction was to become hysterical but I kept calm and we talked it through. He used the old line 'its not you, its me'. He said he's been feeling emasculated because I earn considerably more than him and he cant keep up with me. This has been a continuing issue in our r'ship but one I thought had almost disappeared as we have both learnt to compromise. He certainly hasnt mentioned it for months now. He says if he moves out he can create a life for himself, save more and then become a more confident, autonomous person and therefore a better boyfriend. I said I totally understood this, however inside I was screaming 'WTF?" He pays me minimal rent (he lives in a house I own) and I do the majority of the household chores. If he moved out he'd essentially be going backwards, monetarily at least.

I think he's just using that as an excuse and that he is falling out of love with me (even though he denies this). I am desperately in love with this man and believe he is the love of my life. What should i do??? I am trying to love him as much as I can and continue to be affectionate and fun, hoping that this is just a phase hes going through. However on the inside i just want to put up my walls and leave him before he leaves me. I just cant keep living in limbo like this, I feel like a walking time bomb.

Is there anything I can do to make him change his mind? If he moves out, can the relationship survive?? Please help me!
I don't think you should see it as negative, be positive. If he wanted to break up with you, he would've done that.

Maybe you should just believe him when he tells you his reasons and not start panicking. Sometimes relationships become uneven and people want to back out for a while.

The thing you should do is show him you are still the person he fell in love with and you support him in his own life decisions. Try to live your life to the fullest and show him he's an addition to your happiness and not your definition of happiness.

This way you will learn to be happy with yourself AND you will show him you don't need him, just want him.

If he loses his feelings then there's nothing you can do anyway, and you must've sensed that already before he mentioned moving out.

By breaking up with him and go into the negative thinking spiral you will miss out on a chance to be still happy together and look back on this and understand in a couple of years.
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Old 10th June 2012, 7:05 AM   #13
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And whats the diference between , she giving him 1 month and breaking the relationship with him today ?
Is she going to feel better ?
Im not saying that its normal for him to leave the house , but i think that i understand whats going on with him , he just doesnt feel like a man , maybe he needs time for himself ?
She can even let him go after her when he moves out , and if he doesnt , she knows what she have to do.
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Old 10th June 2012, 7:15 AM   #14
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Staying together merely delays the inevitable and prolongs the agony.
why draw out the death of something?
If you know it's going to happen, it's going to happen.

Make it happen.
Have done with it.
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Old 10th June 2012, 7:40 AM   #15
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Originally Posted by TaraMaiden View Post
Staying together merely delays the inevitable and prolongs the agony.
why draw out the death of something?
If you know it's going to happen, it's going to happen.

Make it happen.
Have done with it.
except you can't know the future.
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