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Should my long term boyfriend always pay?


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Old 5th October 2011, 6:59 PM   #1
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Should my long term boyfriend always pay?

I know that this is a HIGHLY common and probably frequent concern/topic. I have been dating my boyfriend for almost two years now. All of my relationships before him, the men were always very generous and would take me out to dinners, lunches, movies, and pay. I would always offer to step in and take the bill now and then because I didn't want to seem greedy or feel like I was taking advantage of the situation and they would accept, but only here and there. The guy I'm with now, has thrown many complaints saying that it should never be expected for a guy to pay. Sure, in the first couple of months it's appropriate, but he feels that once a relationship has had it's go for a while, that the "burden" shouldn't always be on the guy. (SIGH) He had one serious relationship before me of 4 years, and supposedly money wasn't an issue with them. So we came up with a happy medium of trading off treating eachother and every now and then if one of us were feeling more generous, then we would take over for that place in time. I ended up trying to see an understanding and I've been going with it for a while. I still live at home, and he is on his own. So yes, he has higher bills than me, but he works full time and I do not. He gets benefits, paid holidays even, and not to mention, my mom found him this job.... I am also going to school and he is not. So... since he makes more than me.... (don't know exact numbers... but I know that he seems to be able to spend $1,600 in bills monthly comfortably....) should this be a red flag that he is just stingy? He says he wants to save money for a down payment on a house...etc (right now he is renting) but my parents are the ones who have brought all of this two my attention atleast twice, and it's very aggravating. Personally, I will tell you I make about $830 a month, (going a little low) and my monthly bills are about $300, so I do have extra left over, but I'm trying to build my savings up also, and he has a considerable amount more than I do. I'm just confused, because my parents input has screwed up my mind, and when I tell my boyfriend about this, he gets defensive and they are both completely different people. My parents feel like the guy should be paying for mostly everything, and I don't even come from wealth!!!! My boyfriend was NOT raised with a mother at ALL and just a dad who didn't seem to do much in the way of teaching the roles of a gentleman. Other things he does are nice, but he can be self-centered. Please help me......
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Old 5th October 2011, 7:31 PM   #2
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I think you should be paying about a third of the total costs.
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Old 5th October 2011, 7:43 PM   #3
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At the onset the man should pay 100% of the time.

In a long term relationship anyone can pay the check. However, if the guy makes much more money he should pay the check at least 90%.

A man that complains about paying for a date is not a real man and this is a huge red flag. By now you know there is something wrong with this guy and your parents can smell a rat a mile away.
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Old 5th October 2011, 9:12 PM   #4
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At the onset the man should pay 100% of the time.

In a long term relationship anyone can pay the check. However, if the guy makes much more money he should pay the check at least 90%.

A man that complains about paying for a date is not a real man and this is a huge red flag. By now you know there is something wrong with this guy and your parents can smell a rat a mile away.
I agree with all of this....if both make about the same, it should eventually get to about 50-50

Based on your info, I dont think it would be unreasonable to suggest you pay once a month or so
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Old 5th October 2011, 9:52 PM   #5
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My boyfriend makes 10x what I make. I still offer to pay every other time. And about every fourth time, I insist upon it. As in, he turns me down, and I say "No. Really. Please let me pay for this."

I don't want to feel valued by him only for my superficial qualities (i.e. looks), and I don't want him to feel that he is valued by me only for his superficial qualities (i.e. money).

I think it maintains an important mutual respect within the relationship. I don't spend time with him because I need him to support me or entertain me...I spend time with him because I care about him and enjoy his company.

In your case, it sounds as though you and your boyfriend's views are simply incompatible.
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Old 5th October 2011, 10:13 PM   #6
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I usually split my dating costs down the middle regardless of income. If you have cash to spare, treat your SO. If you are both trying to save, stay in. Cook together or grab cheap take out and watch tv/a movie. If you are both struggling with these costs, I think you may both be trying to live beyond your means.
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Old 5th October 2011, 10:13 PM   #7
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Originally Posted by kiss_andmakeup View Post
My boyfriend makes 10x what I make. I still offer to pay every other time. And about every fourth time, I insist upon it. As in, he turns me down, and I say "No. Really. Please let me pay for this."

I don't want to feel valued by him only for my superficial qualities (i.e. looks), and I don't want him to feel that he is valued by me only for his superficial qualities (i.e. money).

I think it maintains an important mutual respect within the relationship. I don't spend time with him because I need him to support me or entertain me...I spend time with him because I care about him and enjoy his company.

In your case, it sounds as though you and your boyfriend's views are simply incompatible.
You are doing quite well.

I would also allow her to pay if she really insists and if it makes her feel better about herself.

What I don't like about the BF of OP is that he seems rude and lacks empathy. I am certain he knows she is only a student with a part time job and yet demands payment despite making much more than her. Smells like a cheap jerk. On top of that he got the great job throuh her parents.
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Old 5th October 2011, 10:17 PM   #8
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You are doing quite well.

I would also allow her to pay if she really insists and if it makes her feel better about herself.

What I don't like about the BF of OP is that he seems rude and lacks empathy. I am certain he knows she is only a student with a part time job and yet demands payment despite making much more than her. Smells like a cheap jerk. On top of that he got the great job throuh her parents.
I agree with you Pierre. His approach to the situation is callous and unsympathetic.
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Old 5th October 2011, 10:20 PM   #9
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It's definitely not fair for him to expect you to pay half of the time when you have a lot less disposable income than he does. And the fact that he's concerned about things being "fair" and "50/50" is a red flag, in my opinion. Relationships, finances, chores, etc are NEVER going to be 50/50 and I don't understand when people get hung up on the tit-for-tat stuff. I do agree with Sanman that maybe you guys should try to do some free/cheap dates more often, but I also think that your boyfriend's attitude is extremely problematic. The guy doesn't have to pay all of the time, but he shouldn't be hung up on everything being "even," particularly when he has so much more money than you do. That just screams cheap.
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Old 5th October 2011, 10:24 PM   #10
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You are doing quite well.

I would also allow her to pay if she really insists and if it makes her feel better about herself.

What I don't like about the BF of OP is that he seems rude and lacks empathy. I am certain he knows she is only a student with a part time job and yet demands payment despite making much more than her. Smells like a cheap jerk. On top of that he got the great job throuh her parents.

Being an early career person myself, what seems like a good job to a student is not always when you are paying living costs, school loans, car notes,etc. and trying to save money. I know that getting set up in this economy is not as easy as it seems.
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Old 5th October 2011, 11:06 PM   #11
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I don't think it should be expected for a guy to always pay. When you guys are first dating, and still not exclusive then I guess I could see the guy always paying. After you guys are serious and have been together for awhile there really is no reason for a girl to always expect a guy to pay.

I wouldn't view your boyfriend as stingy myself, but then again I agree with his viewpoint.
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Old 5th October 2011, 11:07 PM   #12
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Women are so obsessed with money. I wish women would just tell me their price upfront and let me know how much the salary they want each month for the time and the sex they will give me.
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Old 5th October 2011, 11:21 PM   #13
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Originally Posted by Sanman View Post
Being an early career person myself, what seems like a good job to a student is not always when you are paying living costs, school loans, car notes,etc. and trying to save money. I know that getting set up in this economy is not as easy as it seems.
The issue is not money.

If the BF is concerned with money because the expenses are high he could discuss the issue in a calm manner and plan dates where there is little money involved. However, he chooses to act like a jerk with zero empathy for his GF.

In most cases the issue is men that somehow forgot to be a gentlemen. The issue is poor manners, selfishness, and the cheap man syndrome of splitting hairs down the middle each time. I am almost certain the guy is also anal and controlling.
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Old 5th October 2011, 11:28 PM   #14
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The issue is not money.

If the BF is concerned with money because the expenses are high he could discuss the issue in a calm manner and plan dates where there is little money involved. However, he chooses to act like a jerk with zero empathy for his GF.

In most cases the issue is men that somehow forgot to be a gentlemen. The issue is poor manners, selfishness, and the cheap man syndrome of splitting hairs down the middle each time. I am almost certain the guy is also anal and controlling.
The OP's boyfriend is probably a young man in his early or mid 20s. Men around that age arent yet that wise and articulate in communicating their situation and intent.
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Old 5th October 2011, 11:35 PM   #15
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I really can't understand why your desire to save money should be viewed as more important then your bf's. Yes, you did say he makes more then you, but he is also paying 5times as much as you in bills. I really just can't see how it is fair for you to always expect him to pay.

My boyfriend makes more then me. I am going to school still and he isn't. However, we still split the housebills 50/50. He does pay for more when we go out to dinner, but I never expect him to pay for it everytime. I at least try to offer to pay occasionally. I don't think I would want to be with a guy who paid for everything for me. I would feel like a spoiled little brat.
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