USMCHokie Posted March 24, 2011 Share Posted March 24, 2011 As the topic says, when you're just starting to date someone, do you ever find that your interest begins to wane because they never initiate any sort of contact with you between dates...? So I started dating this girl I met online about 4 weeks ago. We've been on 2 great dates, with a third planned for Saturday night. Our primary means of non-essential communication is through IM and text. However, except for the initial message she sent to me through OKC, I have had to initiate every contact with her every few days. Otherwise, I would never hear from her. Some people when faced with someone who appears to be a "challenge" will become more interested and actually try harder, but all it does for me is make me less interested because it shows that she makes no effort to show interest in me or just plain doesn't care... What are your thoughts? Have we not been dating long enough to warrant any sort of contact from her? Do gender roles play a part in any of this...? And how would you react if someone you started seeing never talked unless you talked first? Link to post Share on other sites
Star Gazer Posted March 24, 2011 Share Posted March 24, 2011 It would annoy me and I probably would start to lose interest. Link to post Share on other sites
Pyro Posted March 24, 2011 Share Posted March 24, 2011 I would lose interest because I would take it as a sign that she is not that interested in me, but that is interesting that she agreed to a third date. Maybe she really is interested in an odd way, or she is afraid to turn you down and hopes you get the hint by her not initiating contact. Link to post Share on other sites
xpaperxcutx Posted March 24, 2011 Share Posted March 24, 2011 I'm not a small talk kind of gal, however, I do partake in the occasional how are yous in text. If a guy did this to me, I would take it that his interest in me is particularly low and I would drop him. In fact, just recently I had to tell a guy whom I had met online that we should stop talking since our only form of contact had revolved around him texting me once a week and only when he had " free" time. I wasn't a priority and hardly a friend, and it was disrespectful of him to use me as timefiller. Link to post Share on other sites
brainygirl Posted March 24, 2011 Share Posted March 24, 2011 I'd say it depends on her personality as to what it actually means. I tend to be a planner, so I want to know the details of something and then will double check with the other party to make sure. If she's a go with the flow type, she may not feel the need to be in such regular contact. I also tend to avoid too many long im chats before a date so that I'll have something to talk about. Link to post Share on other sites
Author USMCHokie Posted March 24, 2011 Author Share Posted March 24, 2011 It would annoy me and I probably would start to lose interest. Well, it hasn't reached the point of annoying yet...but it has affected my interest level a little bit... I would lose interest because I would take it as a sign that she is not that interested in me, but that is interesting that she agreed to a third date. Maybe she really is interested in an odd way, or she is afraid to turn you down and hopes you get the hint by her not initiating contact. Well, she responds to texts literally within minutes, actually calls back if I left a voicemail, and is chatty Cathy if I IM her first...and she sounded excited about the third date...so I don't know if it's her interest or just the way she is...but if this is something I have to deal with long term, I honestly don't know if I want to deal with it... Link to post Share on other sites
mogul Posted March 24, 2011 Share Posted March 24, 2011 I am actually in a similar position myself. I am starting to lose interest. I have other options. The fact that I am trying with her, and she is not reciprocating is frustrating. However, they have a way with responses and answers that let me know she is somewhat interested so I don't feel too bad initiating. A simple, "how are you" or "miss you" would be nice though. Link to post Share on other sites
Pyro Posted March 24, 2011 Share Posted March 24, 2011 Well, she responds to texts literally within minutes, actually calls back if I left a voicemail, and is chatty Cathy if I IM her first...and she sounded excited about the third date...so I don't know if it's her interest or just the way she is...but if this is something I have to deal with long term, I honestly don't know if I want to deal with it... hmm maybe she is shy and is afraid of initiating contact? Maybe as she gets to know you more and more she will open up. Link to post Share on other sites
fishtaco Posted March 24, 2011 Share Posted March 24, 2011 Yup, absolutely. This is happening with the girl I'm seeing. I'm still waiting to talk to her to clear up what's been going on. But the longer she waits, the more likely that when the conversation does happen, I'll try to steer it toward backing off to multidating as opposed to working out the problems. But, it's her choice. I'm available to talk, it's up to her. And if she waits too long, I'll just leave her a voicemail and be done with it. Link to post Share on other sites
Author USMCHokie Posted March 24, 2011 Author Share Posted March 24, 2011 I'm not a small talk kind of gal, however, I do partake in the occasional how are yous in text. If a guy did this to me, I would take it that his interest in me is particularly low and I would drop him. I used to not be a big small talk or text person too, and this probably wouldn't have bothered me that much before, but recently I came to appreciate those little "how are you" texts...they seem to be trivial at face value, but it shows that they're thinking of you...so it's kinda nice... In fact, just recently I had to tell a guy whom I had met online that we should stop talking since our only form of contact had revolved around him texting me once a week and only when he had " free" time. I wasn't a priority and hardly a friend, and it was disrespectful of him to use me as timefiller. Yea, f that. Link to post Share on other sites
Author USMCHokie Posted March 24, 2011 Author Share Posted March 24, 2011 I'd say it depends on her personality as to what it actually means. I tend to be a planner, so I want to know the details of something and then will double check with the other party to make sure. If she's a go with the flow type, she may not feel the need to be in such regular contact. I agree with this, but I was referring more to the non-important communication...like papercut said, the "how-are-you's"... I also tend to avoid too many long im chats before a date so that I'll have something to talk about. I absolutely 100% agree with this. I try to avoid long phone calls or IM chats. We might talk about our day or discuss plans for the next date, but I try to make it a point to cut it short at some point. This was a problem I had with my ex...we'd spend hours IM'ing to each other whenever we were at our own places... Link to post Share on other sites
Imajerk17 Posted March 24, 2011 Share Posted March 24, 2011 Many women have been taught to play it cool early on and let the guy pursue. It's too soon to expect all the stuff after only 2 dates. On the other hand, that you have only been on 2 dates in 4 weeks (or even 3 dates in 4 weeks) is the bigger issue IMO. How come the dates are so spread out? Link to post Share on other sites
Star Gazer Posted March 24, 2011 Share Posted March 24, 2011 I always take the lack of initiation though I'm not on their mind other than when I reach out. It's easy to respond and be chatty. But initiation means, "I WANT to talk to you." And I don't want to continue with someone who doesn't want to talk to me. Link to post Share on other sites
HeartOnSleeve Posted March 24, 2011 Share Posted March 24, 2011 (edited) I think a lot of girls have been conditioned latley to "leave it up to the guy" or "let the guy pursue you", but for me...if I like a guy, I say screw it and will ask to do something, call him, text him, or hang out. I hate games. I think if I was a guy I would lose interest quickly if I had to do all the "planning" or communicating. Give it a few more times as maybe she's like some girls and it might take a little bit longer before she is comfortable with initiating anything:) If she seems like she will never then time to move on Edited March 24, 2011 by HeartOnSleeve re-read question! Link to post Share on other sites
Star Gazer Posted March 24, 2011 Share Posted March 24, 2011 They already have another date planned. Reaching out to him to say hi or ask how his day is going wouldn't be chasing at all. Link to post Share on other sites
mogul Posted March 24, 2011 Share Posted March 24, 2011 This is a good topic actually. Does their lack of initiating contact mean they aren't interested? It gets me because I have to always be the one initiating and making contact, but she is always responsive and enthusiastic. Flirty even. Their whole non-chalance demeanor is starting to annoy me and make me question their feelings, interest. Link to post Share on other sites
Author USMCHokie Posted March 24, 2011 Author Share Posted March 24, 2011 I always take the lack of initiation though I'm not on their mind other than when I reach out. It's easy to respond and be chatty. But initiation means, "I WANT to talk to you." And I don't want to continue with someone who doesn't want to talk to me. Absolutely agreed, which is why I find that my interest is beginning to wane... Many women have been taught to play it cool early on and let the guy pursue. It's too soon to expect all the stuff after only 2 dates. This is true, but still...nothing in 4 weeks...? On the other hand, that you have only been on 2 dates in 4 weeks (or even 3 dates in 4 weeks) is the bigger issue IMO. How come the dates are so spread out? I have to live on a training base about 50 miles away during the week and it's a huge pain in the ass to try and see her then...and besides, by the end of the day, I'm completely drained and generally irritable... Link to post Share on other sites
brainygirl Posted March 24, 2011 Share Posted March 24, 2011 I agree with this, but I was referring more to the non-important communication...like papercut said, the "how-are-you's"... I absolutely 100% agree with this. I try to avoid long phone calls or IM chats. We might talk about our day or discuss plans for the next date, but I try to make it a point to cut it short at some point. This was a problem I had with my ex...we'd spend hours IM'ing to each other whenever we were at our own places... And see, I tend to avoid those texts because I know I have a habit of over doing it, and it can seem like I'm clingy. So I purposely don't contact as often as I'd like. In a way it works too. If I keep myself from contacting the guy I like, he eventually contacts me. If I text too often, he just stops replying. Link to post Share on other sites
zengirl Posted March 24, 2011 Share Posted March 24, 2011 Well, she responds to texts literally within minutes, actually calls back if I left a voicemail, and is chatty Cathy if I IM her first...and she sounded excited about the third date...so I don't know if it's her interest or just the way she is...but if this is something I have to deal with long term, I honestly don't know if I want to deal with it... Oh, sounds like she's just being a girl. A silly girl. She sounds interested, but just a bit wary of initiating much in the beginning. They say a man controls the direction of a relationship and a woman the depth. I imagine after a few more dates, she'll be more proactive if she is interested (which I think she is). A lot of girls are taught to lean back and just watch at the first stages of the relationship (not my style, but pretty common). I'd give her a few more dates, and see if the swing happens, and your interest rebounds. Link to post Share on other sites
Author USMCHokie Posted March 24, 2011 Author Share Posted March 24, 2011 However, they have a way with responses and answers that let me know she is somewhat interested so I don't feel too bad initiating. A simple, "how are you" or "miss you" would be nice though. And this is what I'm getting from her. She is clearly interested from everything she has said and done up to this point; it's just that she doesn't initiate contact with me. Ever. And to be honest, even if she is 100% interested in a relationship but just doesn't like to initiate contact, I don't think I'd want to be in what would feel like a one-way relationship. I think a lot of girls have been conditioned latley to "leave it up to the guy" or "let the guy pursue you", but for me...if I like a guy, I say screw it and will ask to do something, call him, text him, or hang out. I hate games. I think if I was a guy I would lose interest quickly if I had to do all the "planning" or communicating. Give it a few more times as maybe she's like some girls and it might take a little bit longer before she is comfortable with initiating anything:) If she seems like she will never then time to move on Exactly! If you want to talk to someone, then you talk to them! If you want to play games, then get the hell away from me! Link to post Share on other sites
Imajerk17 Posted March 24, 2011 Share Posted March 24, 2011 You're seeing her Saturday night, talk to her about that then. Link to post Share on other sites
Author USMCHokie Posted March 24, 2011 Author Share Posted March 24, 2011 And see, I tend to avoid those texts because I know I have a habit of over doing it, and it can seem like I'm clingy. So I purposely don't contact as often as I'd like. In a way it works too. If I keep myself from contacting the guy I like, he eventually contacts me. If I text too often, he just stops replying. I know this may sound like a "game," but I like to keep somewhat of a 1-to-1 balance with those trivial texts/IMs. That way, I prevent exactly what you're talking about. I haven't been inundating her with these kinds of texts by any stretch of the imagination (maybe two in the entire 4 weeks), but after receiving nothing in return, I've stopped with them... Oh, sounds like she's just being a girl. A silly girl. She sounds interested, but just a bit wary of initiating much in the beginning. They say a man controls the direction of a relationship and a woman the depth. I imagine after a few more dates, she'll be more proactive if she is interested (which I think she is). A lot of girls are taught to lean back and just watch at the first stages of the relationship (not my style, but pretty common). I'd give her a few more dates, and see if the swing happens, and your interest rebounds. Yea, you may be right. But as Star said, logic would certainly dictate that if she wanted to talk to me, she'd contact me. Holding the contrapositive to be true, if she didn't contact me, then she doesn't want to talk to me... Link to post Share on other sites
zengirl Posted March 24, 2011 Share Posted March 24, 2011 Yea, you may be right. But as Star said, logic would certainly dictate that if she wanted to talk to me, she'd contact me. Holding the contrapositive to be true, if she didn't contact me, then she doesn't want to talk to me... Well, Star is a very assertive woman. So am I. But most women struggle with how to be assertive. I'd say that's good yang (male energy) logic: If you want to talk, you call. But it's terrible yin (female energy) logic. Most people are a mix of both, but in the beginning many relationships are highly polarized with the fellow being the yang partner and the gal being the yin partner, and this seems to work better, on average. Now, if it was continually that way after a little while, or especially after commitment (though I'm not suggesting commitment in THIS stage at all), I'd say she wasn't into you. Link to post Share on other sites
Author USMCHokie Posted March 24, 2011 Author Share Posted March 24, 2011 This is a good topic actually. Does their lack of initiating contact mean they aren't interested? It gets me because I have to always be the one initiating and making contact, but she is always responsive and enthusiastic. Flirty even. Their whole non-chalance demeanor is starting to annoy me and make me question their feelings, interest. Yet they are "taught" to do just that and drive us men batsh*t crazy...hell, even men are "taught" to do that with all that "challenge" nonsense... I just find it to be exhausting and not worth the effort... Link to post Share on other sites
Author USMCHokie Posted March 24, 2011 Author Share Posted March 24, 2011 You're seeing her Saturday night, talk to her about that then. Normally, I'd be all about communicating issues...but is something as fundamental as this something that should even have to be communicated...? - "Hey you... [look lovingly into her eyes ]. I've noticed you never talk to me..." - "Oh, was I supposed to...? I guess I can do that... [look lovingly into my eyes ] Awkward...? But seriously though, you would think it'd be something you'd expect from someone you're dating, right...? Link to post Share on other sites
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